Friday, October 21, 2016
It’s Friday again and time for some humour. Today it’s lawyers in the firing line.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. “That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant.
As the defendant left the court house, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."
Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody anytime, anywhere, any place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked them.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," said the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered.
"Bring them as well."
They all climbed into the limousine - no easy task - and one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"No problem," said the lawyer, "The grass in my yard is about two feet tall."
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."
So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow.
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Yesterday I posted Einstein's list of conditions to his wife to resume living in the matrimonial home. I mentioned that the marriage didn't last and that he then married his cousin.
A reader, who wishes to remain anonymous, sent em an email the following morning:
As you have pointed out his second wife was his cousin. But did you know that she was very big busted? She indeed did have, as we say these days, a nice rack!
And it was through this relationship that he developed his theory of Relative Titty!
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Albert Einstein’s marriage to his first wife Mileva Maric, was a turbulent one but one that was intellectually rich. Numerous letters passing between them, discovered in 1987, record their love, relationship and discussions. It is even suggested by some that Mileva, also trained in physics, contributed to his work. Their marriage, however, deteriorated and they separated. Wishing to stay together for the children, Eintsein wrote a letter to his wife in which he set out the conditions for his return. It did no good, they separated again in 1914 and divorced in 1919. Einstein then married his cousin Elsa but that marriage too was troubled.
Einstein’s list of conditions for his return to the matrimonial home, from his letter to Mileva:
A. You will make sure:
1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.
B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, You will forego:
1. my sitting at home with you;
2. my going out or travelling with you.
C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:
1. you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;
2. you will stop talking to me if I request it;
3. you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.
D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.
Einstein with Mileva
MIleva with their children
Einstein with cousin Elsa
Whilst on the topic of Einstein and women, move your face close to the screen and study the following pic. Then move your face back from your computer, still staring at the pic, until you see the image clarify once again . . .
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
And you shall eat it as a barley cake, baking it in their sight on human dung.”
And the LORD said, “Thus shall the people of Israel eat their bread unclean, among the nations where I will drive them.”
Then I said, “Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, I have never defiled myself. From my youth up till now I have never eaten what died of itself or was torn by beasts, nor has tainted meat come into my mouth.”
Then he said to me, “See, I assign to you cow’s dung instead of human dung, on which you may prepare your bread.”
- Bible, English Standard Version, Ezekiel 4:12-15
God gives Ezekiel a Masterchef cooking class and tells him, and the people of Israel, to use human excrement as fuel to bake bread instead of the traditional animal dung mixed with straw. Ezekiel isn’t too happy about this, not on behalf of the people of Israel but for himself, protesting that nothing unclean has gone through his mouth. Gpd relents and lets him stay with the animal dung.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Always be careful in giving instructions for cake messages or in asking for a cake to be copied from a picture . . .
My office has a tradition whereby birthdays are celebrated with a cake and a monetary gift voucher to which each person has contributed. We suspend work for a short period to celebrate the birthday, eat cake and chat. Some years ago a senior member of our office, Roz, who has been with me many, many years, told everyone that she did not want a cake for her birthday because she was on a diet. I protested that it was tradition to have a cake but she remained adamant, saying that if we got a cake she would be very annoyed. Son Thomas was sent to buy a cake anyway from the local small cake shop, with a note as to the message to be put on the top. The person he spoke to was a little old lady who dutifully did her best, but the calligraphy left a lot to be desired and the spelling was incorrect. Still, the message was there. We gathered in my office, called Roz in and wished her happy birthday with a cake . . .