Friday, August 17, 2018

Thought for the Day



Funny Friday

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It’s Friday again and time for some funnies. As usual Mr Phelps, should you decide there is a warning that there is risque humour ahead. Also some non-PC items.

I will be away for a few days so there won’t be a weekend Bytes but back on Monday. 

Enjoy the weekend readers. 
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Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of $2.80 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a $20 note. She said "Haven’t you got anything smaller, that will take all my change." I said "No, sorry, but I can pay on card if that helps" She sarcastically said "Of course that will help." So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?" I said "Yes please." "How much?" she asked. I said "$17.20." 

------oOo------

An oldie . . . 

After Adam was created, there he was in the Garden of Eden all alone. 

Of course it wasn't good for him to be all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit. 

"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make you much, much happier. 

I'm going to give you a companion, a help mate for you -- someone who will fulfill your every need and desire. Someone who will be faithful, loving, and obedient. Someone who will make you feel wonderful every day of your life." 

Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!" 

"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But it doesn't come for free. In fact, this is someone so special that it's going to cost you an arm and a leg." 

"That's a pretty high price to pay," said Adam. "What can I get for a rib?" 

------oOo------

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." 

------oOo------

A woman said to her cheating husband "Do you want to see a crumpled up $50" And he said "yes" So she reached into her pocket pulled it out and gave it to him. Then she said "do you want to see a crumpled up $100" And he said "yes" So she reached into her pocket pulled it out and gave it to him. Then she said " Do you want to see a crumpled up $50,000 and he said "yes" So she said go look for your car in the garage then. 

------oOo------

A classic . . . 

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. 

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. 

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." 

------oOo------

Supposedly a true story . . .

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. 

Dear Lions Bay School, 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. 

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off. 

Thank you for that opportunity. 

Sincerely, 

Edna 
------oOo------

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag." 
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Corn Corner: 

------oOo------

A man goes to a fancy dress party giving his girlfriend a piggyback. The doorman says "What have you come as?” The man replies "A Ninja turtle.” The doorman says "Who is she?” The man replies "That's Michelle.” 

------oOo------

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen." 

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee. 

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." 

------oOo------

An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The Jewish man thought a second and responded " Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". The Jewish man quickly answered " I to am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

------oOo------


------oOo------



Thursday, August 16, 2018

Thought for the Day



Word Origins

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Clue: 


The meaning of clue is anything which guides or directs. The word originates from the Germanic word “clew”, meaning a ball of thread or yarn. This is in turn comes from the Greek myth of the Minotaur, a creature with the head and tail of a bull and the body of a man, who lived at the centre of a maze constructed by Daedalus and Icarus (who disregarded his father, flew too close to the sun and melted the glue in the wings they had constructed for escape – the young bull and the old bull illustration!). The Minotaur is slain by Theseus, who was helped in navigating his way out of the maze by Ariadne who gave Theseus a ball of yarn. He unravelled the yarn as he worked his way into the maze and was therefore able to find his way out. The sense of clew meaning something which points the way is from the 1620s. Spelling was more fluid then and the change in spelling comes from the same period.’ So there you have it: it was Theseus in the maze with a sword. 

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Labyrinth: 


The meaning is a complicated irregular network of passages or paths in which it is difficult to find one's way; a maze. The maze that was constructed in Crete to hold the Minotaur was known as the Labyrinth. The word comes from a pre-Greek language where it is traditionally connected to the word labrys, meaning "double-edged axe," a symbol of royal power, which fits with the theory that the original labyrinth was the royal Minoan palace on Crete. It thus would mean "palace of the double-axe." Its use in English for "maze" dates from the early 15th century. And by the way, it’s a damn good David Bowie movie . . . 

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Disaster: 


Disaster comes from the Greek "dis" meaning bad, and "aster", meaning star. The ancient Greeks used to blame calamities on unfavourable planetary positions. 


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Muscle: 


Muscle comes from a Roman word meaning "little mouse". The Romans used the word “mus” to refer to rodents and would distinguish between mice and rats only by “big” and “little” - “Mus Maximus”, big mouse, and “Mus Minimus”, little mouse. Romans used to think muscles looked like little mice under their skin. 

The word “mouse” eventually was adopted to refer to a computer pointing device in the 1960s, with the first documented instance of this being in Bill English’s 1965 “Computer-Aided Display Control” publication. Two years previous to this publication, English had assisted Douglas Engelbart in creating a computer pointing device invented by Engelbart. Engelbart and English named this pointing device a “mouse” because the original device had the cord coming out of the back of the mouse, which they thought resembled a tail. In addition to naming the device a mouse, they also named the cursor a “bug”, but this latter name for a cursor never caught on like “mouse” did for the device itself. 


Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Thought(s) for the Day


Or is this more you? . . .


(Admit it, you just closed one eye and read that again, didn't you.)


Books


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I  was wondering what to post today when an email arrived from Byter Vince C with a collection of cartoons about books, an insightful commentary on our modern world.  Here are Vince’s cartoons, plus one that I have posted before and, to finish off, a repost of a Roald Dhal poem.  

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Vince C’s contribution . . .







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In the same vein . . .

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Roald Dahl’s comment, even more apt in the age of social media, Facebook, Twitter, Skype. . . the list goes on:

Television

By Roald Dahl

The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set --
Or better still, just don't install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we've been,
We've watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone's place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they're hypnotised by it,
Until they're absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don't climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink --
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
IT ROTS THE SENSE IN THE HEAD!
IT KILLS IMAGINATION DEAD!
IT CLOGS AND CLUTTERS UP THE MIND!
IT MAKES A CHILD SO DULL AND BLIND
HE CAN NO LONGER UNDERSTAND
A FANTASY, A FAIRYLAND!
HIS BRAIN BECOMES AS SOFT AS CHEESE!
HIS POWERS OF THINKING RUST AND FREEZE!
HE CANNOT THINK -- HE ONLY SEES!
'All right!' you'll cry. 'All right!' you'll say,
'But if we take the set away,
What shall we do to entertain
Our darling children? Please explain!'
We'll answer this by asking you,
'What used the darling ones to do?
'How used they keep themselves contented
Before this monster was invented?'
Have you forgotten? Don't you know?
We'll say it very loud and slow:
THEY ... USED ... TO ... READ! They'd READ and READ,
AND READ and READ, and then proceed
To READ some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!
One half their lives was reading books!
The nursery shelves held books galore!
Books cluttered up the nursery floor!
And in the bedroom, by the bed,
More books were waiting to be read!
Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales
Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales
And treasure isles, and distant shores
Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,
And pirates wearing purple pants,
And sailing ships and elephants,
And cannibals crouching 'round the pot,
Stirring away at something hot.
(It smells so good, what can it be?
Good gracious, it's Penelope.)
The younger ones had Beatrix Potter
With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,
And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,
And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and-
Just How The Camel Got His Hump,
And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,
And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,
There's Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole-
Oh, books, what books they used to know,
Those children living long ago!
So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books,
Ignoring all the dirty looks,
The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,
And children hitting you with sticks-
Fear not, because we promise you
That, in about a week or two
Of having nothing else to do,
They'll now begin to feel the need
Of having something to read.
And once they start -- oh boy, oh boy!
You watch the slowly growing joy
That fills their hearts. They'll grow so keen
They'll wonder what they'd ever seen
In that ridiculous machine,
That nauseating, foul, unclean,
Repulsive television screen!
And later, each and every kid
Will love you more for what you did.



Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Thought for the Day



2018 National Geographic Travel Photographer of the Year – Those who didn’t win . . .

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On 5 August 2018 I posted images, details and captions for the 2018 National Geographic Travel Photographer of the Year competition.  Here are some for the non-winners . . .
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Photographer:
Hidetoshi Ogata
Photograph Title:
The Highly Tolerant Society
Category:
Nature
Location:
Awaji Island, Japan
Caption:
On a cold winter day, I captured the moment when mother monkeys formed a huddle after social grooming in Awaji Island. Japanese monkeys are generally considered to be despotic and aggressive, but they are building a social relationships with mutual benefits.

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Photographer:
Jeffry Arguedas
Photograph Title:
The Doors of Mordor are Open
Category:
Nature
Location:
Acatenago, Chimaltenango, Gutemala
Caption:
Never before had I seen such a majestic eruption of a volcano and at the same time feel secure. Camping one night in the Acatenango Volcano and having a volcano as active as the Fire a few kilometres away, it was an incomparable experience, I felt trapped in the book "The Lord of the Rings" walking through Mordor. Walking for more than 5 hours with cold clothes near 3900 meters, food, 5 litres of water and a tripod, was exhausting, but each step made it worthwhile.

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Photographer:
E Erencibia
Photograph Title:
Wild Iceland
Category:
Nature
Location:
Eyvindarholar, South, Iceland
Caption:
If already one of the most beautiful landscape ever seen, imagine to get there and find this wild and majestic Icelandic horse posing for me. That morning I was wondering if it would be worth it to go...bad weather, cold, not good light conditions...but you never know what you are going to find.

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Photographer:
Ray Tom
Photograph Title:
Future of 2022 Reveal in Fog
Category:
Cities
Location:
Muraykh, Ar Rayyan, Qatar
Caption:
The first 2022 World Cup stadium to be built ahead of the tournament in Qatar.

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Photographer:
M.Raccichni
Photograph Title:

Category:
Cities
Location:
Rio De Janiero, Brazil
Caption:
Maresia or sea spray are generic names used to refer to aerosol deriving from the wind that causes a nebulized cloud that forms on the crest of the waves. On some days a thick blanket accumulates on the beach and there is a strong smell of the sea. For several days i was fascinated and so i went back to this beach to take this picture.

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Photographer:
Paul Tsui
Photograph Title:
The Invasion
Category:
Cities
Location:
Macau, Macao
Caption:
A quiet street in Macau. Modernization around is quickly changing the city.

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Photographer:
Rob Weisman
Photograph Title:
The Balloon Wrestler
Category:
People
Location:
Africa
Caption:
A worker tugs at the edge of an inflating balloon as it is readied for a sunrise trip over the Serengeti.

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Photographer:
Chelsea Nix
Photograph Title:
Haircut
Category:
People
Location:
Mexico
Caption:
Visiting a old barbershop in a small town in Mexico. The owner has been cutting hair and collecting unique objects for over 40 years.

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Photographer:
Barolomiej Jurecki
Photograph Title:
Nacreous Clouds
Category:
Nature
Location:
Norway
Caption:
Nacreous clouds or polar stratospheric clouds. On the last day of the year those clouds could be seen on the Lofoten islands in northern Norway. These clouds are characterized by a strong iridescence. Clouds are formed with a small amount of water vapor that leaked to the upper parts of the atmosphere. They scatter the light differently, that is why the color of the clouds reminds rainbow. Those clouds occur very rarely.

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Photographer:
Yatwai So
Photograph Title:
Ribbon
Category:
Nature
Location:
Anilao, Mimaropa, Philiippines
Caption:
Glass eel is one of the biggest target for fishermen because of its high value and make glass eel trafficking become a multimillion dollar business. Owning to overconsumption, some eel species like Anguilla japonica (Japanese eel) is highly endangered species and the situation is even getting worst now.

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Photographer:
Clara Davies
Photograph Title:
Skirtberg
Category:
Nature
Location:
Snow Hill, Antartica
Caption:
Found in the Errera Channel on the Antarctic Peninsula this immense iceberg showed obvious signs of being sculptured and worn by the icy Antarctic waters.

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Photographer:
Ajith Mathew
Photograph Title:
Castle of Nature
Category:
Nature
Location:
Sigiriya, Sri Lanka
Caption:
An ancient rock fortress listed under UNESCO world heritage site. Located at Sigiriya, Sri Lanka, lion rock is an amazing destination, with ruins of old gardens and fountains. A breathtaking climb of almost 2000 stairs to the top of the rock, surrounded by forest will be truly a lifetime achievement. The view from the top will literally make you feel the art of nature sleeping under your feet.

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Photographer:
Jordan Robins
Photograph Title:
Mountains Meets the Sea
Category:
Nature
Location:
Lord Howe Island, New South Wales, Australia
Caption:
An 'over under' image of the healty coral and marine life in the lagoon below Mount Gower and Mount Lidgbird on Lord Howe Island.

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Photographer:
Rishi Gunasinghe
Photograph Title:
The Back Flip of Death
Category:
Nature
Location:
Palatupana, Sri Lanka
Caption:
A very rare and epic encounter between a mugger crocodile and a gigantic Rusell’s Viper in Yala National Park, Sri Lanka,  The crocodile  “ stands up" with the sheer strength of its tail, and in what seems to be a death roll in the air, flips the Viper and thrashes it onto the bank, in a breathtaking and captivating display of power. 

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Photographer:
Kaan Yuan Chiam
Photograph Title:
Ijtima Praying
Category:
People
Location:
Dhaka, Bangladesh
Caption:
On the annual pilgrimage festival in Bangladesh, the collective worship of believers can be described as grand and spectacular. At the time of worship, everyone on the street will stop their actions and pray in the direction of the Holy Land, Saudi Arabia's Mecca. The entire world was quiet, people line up, sit together on the ground, pray in the most pious form, and people are seen and infected with such solemn atmosphere.

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Photographer:
Jalan Sabha
Photograph Title:
Under Mama’s Arm
Category:
Ethiopia, Africa
Location:

Caption:
Tribal disputes are a perpetual menace in the region and women and children are the most affected. This stark reality is accentuated by the fragile reality of innocence

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Photographer:
Mauro Di Bettio
Photograph Title:
Sweet Gold
Category:
People
Location:
Nepal
Caption:
There are rare tribes in Nepal that have been haunting honey from Himalayan cliffs for centuries. A tradition that's carried on for generations. Wrapped in a tornado of angry giant bees, hanging with bare hands to a bamboo rope hundreds of meters high, these people risk their lives to collect the precious spring ‘red honey’, famous for its medicinal, aphrodisiac and hallucinogenic properties.

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Photographer:
Kajan Madrasmal
Photograph Title:
Sewing - Fishnet
Category:
People
Location:
Vietnam
Caption:
I have recently visited the fishing village of Nha Trang, Vietnam and documented their daily life in two-morning sessions. It was the highlight to witness the women sewing the fishnets. I have tried many compositions to extract the scene by excluding the distracting elements to show the colors, patterns and the main subjects within a frame. This picture was captured for a candid moment of the scene, not staged as arranged by some photography tours nowadays.

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Photographer:
Lucy Mohr
Photograph Title:
The Sacrifice
Category:
People
Location:
West Mongolia
Caption:
A nomadic Kazakh family in West Mongolia sacrifice one of their goats as a gift to their foreign guests (us!). The whole family gathered to pray and give thanks for its life, then left and went about their chores. Only the children stayed with their father and looked on... Their father- who happens to also be so kind and compassionate to his children-turns and gives his youngest son a tender kiss,

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Photographer:
Togo Takamura
Photograph Title:
Moving Living Space
Category:
Cities
Location:
Delhi, India
Caption:
They live on the street as a living space.

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Photographer:
Susan Portnoy
Photograph Title:
Nap Time
Category:
Nature
Location:
Manitoba, Canada
Caption:
I was on a polar bear walking safari in northern Manitoba with Churchill Wild. Each day we'd walk for miles searching for wildlife. We came across this young lady a few moments before this photo was taken when she had just laid down. Her head was up and she was looking around, but when she curled up in this foetal position, my heart just melted. She looked so sweet, more slumbering housecat than meat-eating predator.