Saturday, May 8, 2021





Hello Byters.

My apologies that Funny Friday did not go out yesterday, there was an internet outage in my area that prevented me posting it and thereby having the blog send it out to subscribers.  

Still, better late than not at all . . .



A cautionary warning that there is a fair bit of risquรฉ content ahead, so venture forward at your own risk of being offended, dear readers . . .


Also, last week I told the story in Funny Friday of son Thomas being sent 2 lucky rabbit's feet in 2008 by a client (now deceased), one for Thomas himself and one for a friend, as it said in the letter which enclosed them.  They were in the mail box over the Christmas holidays whilst the office was closed, when temperatures are very high at that time of the year.

One problem: the rabbit's feet were real.

He was serious.

I posted the pic of the feet but overlooked including the pic of son Thomas, so here are both pics . . .



This one’s for Joe and Grace . . .

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker, "you'd like a Guinness?"

"No thank you," comes the reply. "I'll just have some water."

"Water?" The bartender is taken aback. "Why not Guinness?"

"Because," says the Guinness worker, "if the other two aren't gonna have beer, I'm not gonna have it either."

A salesman rings the doorbell on a house and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.

The salesman is a bit stunned but plows forward and asks, "Is your Dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

Bill Gates sends Melinda an email after the divorce.

"Let’s get married again” he writes.

“What do you mean?” she replies on MSN. “We just got divorced! You said the marriage wasn’t working! Why would you want to start everything up again?”

“That’s always worked before” he says.

I walked by the house I grew up in and when an elderly couple answered my knock, I told them I grew up in this house and asked if I could have a look around for old time sake.

They told me to, 'Fuck off' and slammed the door in my face.”

My parents can be so rude.



Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.



There was a young lady of Michigan,
Who said, "Damn it! I've got the itch again."
Said her mother, "That's strange,
I'm surprised it ain't mange,
If you've slept with that son-of-a-bitch again."



Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, it wants to cluck defiance.





I was on a date with a girl who called me shallow.

I was like “Yeah, but only on the surface.”

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.”

Tonight we’re having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner.

We found himalayan in the road.

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."

"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.

"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"

"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.

"That would be best," said the teacher.

"One-second," said the boy.

"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.

This one's for you, Noel . . .

Bad news: An undelivered letter in German sent 110 years ago has just been found.

Worse news: It was an acceptance letter by an art school in Vienna.


Wednesday, May 5, 2021



Brief Lives is a collection of short biographies written by John Aubrey (1626–1697) in the last decades of the 17th century. Aubrey was a modest man, a self-styled antiquarian and the man who invented modern biography. His 'lives' of the prominent figures of his generation and the Elizabethan era, including Shakespeare, Milton and Sir Walter Raleigh, have been plundered by historians for centuries for their frankness and fascinating detail.

John Aubrey

From John Aubrey's “Brief Lives”:

Queen Elizabeth 1

Edward de Veere, the Earl of Oxford


During the Austro-Prussian War of 1866, Liechtenstein sent an army of 80 strong to guard the Brenner Pass between Austria and Italy while a reserve of 20 men stayed behind. While the deployed force was there to defend the territory against any attack from the Prussian-allied Italians, according to War History Online, “there was really nothing to do but sit in the beautiful mountains, drink wine and beer, smoke a pipe and take it easy.”

In the main theatre of the war, the Battle of Kรถniggrรคtz earned Prussia a victory, decisively ending the war.

The Battle of Kรถniggrรคtz by Georg Bleibtreu

So the men of Liechtenstein marched home. When they returned, however, their numbers had grown to 81. According to The World at War, an Austrian liaison officer joined them. Other versions are that he was either an “Italian friend” or a defector.

Today Liechtenstein remains a thriving and successful country, one that still has no army.


Haydn and Mozart were friends who made a bet that they could write a piece of music that the other couldn't play. 

On the day of the competition, Mozart played Haydn's piece without incident. 

When it was Haydn's turn to play, he started strong but stopped halfway though and claimed that no one could play this piece of music because it called for middle C when one hand was on the lowest octave, and the other on the highest. 

Mozart said that he could do it. 

When the "impossible" part came, Mozart leaned in and repeatedly hit middle C with his nose, finishing the song and winning the bet. 

Haydn retorted “With a nose like yours it becomes easier.”




Mozart had an extreme dislike for the soprano Adriana Ferrarese del Bene, for whom the role of Fiordiligi on Cosi Fan Tutte was first created. She had a strange tendency to drop her chin whilst singing low notes and to throw back her head when singing high notes. 

Knowing this, Mozart filled her showpiece aria (“Come scoglio”) with constant harmonic leaps from low to high and back. He took great pleasure in watching her bob her head “like a chicken” on stage.

Adriana Ferrarese del Bene


In the Baltic town of Vilnius, through which Napoleon’s troops marched to their doom in the summer of 1812, there stood a simple monument bearing two plaques. 

On the side with its back to Moscow was written: “Napoleon Bonaparte passed this way in 1812 with 400,000 men.” 

On the other side were the words: “Napoleon Bonaparte passed this way in 1812 with 9,000 men.”

Apparently the monument no longer exists.





Beginning a new series . . .


Did anyone watch the Oscars? Did anyone apart from myself feel that the Oscars have become a non-event? There are a number of reasons for this, if what I am feeling is correct:
- changes to the nomination procedures;
- films made by distributors such as Netflix;
- more people watching on subscription;
- COVID-19 effects

There is less hype and less interest now, I feel, reflected in the lowest number of persons watching in the recent history of the Academy Awards.

What are your thoughts?


Some facts and trivia about the Golden Years of Hollywood . . .


The Golden Age of Hollywood, sometimes referred to as the period of classical Hollywood cinema, started with the silent movie era and the first major feature-length silent movie called the 'Birth of a Nation' (1915). The Golden Age of Hollywood ended with the demise of the studio system, the emergence of television, the rising costs and subsequent losses notably 'Cleopatra' (1963).


Milestones of the Golden Age of Hollywood:

The Golden Age of Hollywood witnessed important milestones in the history of the movie industry such as:
  • the establishment of Hollywood as the American home of movies;
  • the establishment of the Studio System;
  • the first color movie;
  • the first talking movie;
  • the Oscars;
  • animated cartoon movies;
  • the liberal movies of the 1920s and early 1930s;
  • the rise of movie idols;
  • the scandals that involved famous actors and actresses that rocked America;
  • important events during the Golden Age of Hollywood that moved on to the regulations and censorship imposed by the Hays Code in movies such as 'Gone with the Wind' and 'The Maltese Falcon' and even the 'Betty Boop' series of cartoons;
  • the fabulous musicals produced by the studios;
  • the escapism that Hollywood movies offered during hard times.

The American movie industry was centred in Hollywood, Los Angeles in California. The climate and location of Hollywood was ideal place for outdoor filming and, by the 1920s, 85% of American movie production was made in or around Hollywood.


The Hollywood Sign overlooks Hollywood, Los Angeles, California. It is situated on Mount Lee, in the Hollywood Hills area of the Santa Monica Mountains and is 13.7m / 45 ft tall. It was originally created in 1923 as a temporary advertisement for a local real estate development, Hollywoodland, but due to increasing recognition, the sign was left up. When it was decided that the sign would be a permanent fixture in LA, the "land" at the end was was dropped to make the sign cheaper to maintain.



The Golden Age of Hollywood began when the first major feature-length silent movie, The Birth of a Nation, was made in 1915. The movie was based on the novel 'The Clansman' by Thomas Dixon and was directed by D. W. Griffith who co-wrote the screenplay. The feature-length silent movie lasted for 133 minutes and made massive profits of $10,000,000. The movie caused huge controversy in glorifying the original Ku Klux Klan which resulted in the rebirth of the 1920 KKK and brought protests by the NAACP with riots in Boston and Philadelphia.

The film, about the Civil War and Reconstruction, depicted the Ku Klux Klan as valiant saviours of a post-war South ravaged by Northern carpetbaggers and freed Black people. The Birth of a Nation’s racially charged Jim Crow narrative, coupled with America’s heightened anti-immigrant climate, led the Klan to align itself with the movie’s success and use it as a recruiting tool. President Wilson reportedly said of the film, “It is like writing history with lightning. And my only regret is that it is all so terribly true.”

“People were taken to another planet,” says Dick Lehr, author of The Birth of a Nation: How a Legendary Filmmaker and Crusading Editor Reignited America’s Civil War. “The galloping Klan riding to the rescue. The pure spectacle of it all,” says Lehr, romanticized the KKK. The film bolstered the idea that the Klan was there to save the South from savage Black men raping white women, a racist myth that would be propagated for years, Lehr adds.

On opening night, Klansmen dressed in white sheets and Confederate uniforms paraded down Peachtree Street with hooded horses, firing rifle salutes in front of the theatre. The effect was powerful and screenings in more cities echoed the display, including movie ushers donning white sheets. Klansmen also handed out KKK literature before and after screenings.

As the film continued to be screened and re-screened well into the 1920s, Lehr says more Klan chapters formed and membership reportedly reached into the millions. New Klansmen were shown The Birth of Nation and the film continued to be a recruiting tool for decades to come.



The 'Big Five' studios were MGM, Paramount, Warner Bros., RKO and Fox. Universal, Columbia Pictures, and United Artists were Known as the "Little Three" studios that, unlike the "Big Five", did not own their own theatre chains.

By the way:

United Artists Corporation (UA), currently doing business as United Artists Digital Studios, is an American digital production company. Founded in 1919 by D. W. Griffith, Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford, and Douglas Fairbanks, the studio was premised on allowing actors to control their own interests, rather than being dependent upon commercial studios. UA was repeatedly bought, sold, and restructured over the ensuing century. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer acquired the studio in 1981 for a reported $350 million ($1 billion today).

United Artists was revived in 2018 as United Artists Digital Studios. Mirror, the joint distribution venture between MGM and Annapurna Pictures, was renamed as United Artists Releasing in early February 2019 just in time for UA's 100th anniversary.

D W Griffith, Mary Pickford, Charlie Chaplin (seated), and Douglas Fairbanks at the signing of the contract establishing the United Artists motion-picture studio in 1919. Lawyers Albert Banzhaf (left) and Dennis F. O'Brien (right) stand in the background.

Douglas Fairbanks, Mary Pickford, Charlie Chaplin, and D. W. Griffith in 1919


The studio system evolved in Hollywood and was essentially about long-term contracts for movie stars, that prevented them being poached by rival studios. The films were made on lots owned by the studios and were released in theatres owned by them.

The studio system was challenged under the antitrust laws in a 1948 Supreme Court ruling which sought to separate production from the distribution and exhibition and ended such practices, thereby hastening the end of the studio system. By 1954, with television competing for audience and the last of the operational links between a major production studio and theater chain broken, the historic era of the studio system was over.

Some regard the Golden Years of Hollywood as being the period stretching from the introduction of sound to the beginning of the demise of the studio system, 1927–1948.


Tuesday, May 4, 2021


May 4th is, of course International Star Wars Day (May the 4th be with you).

Here is an item for that day:

Bonus jury item . . . 



Something brought to mind the novel/musical/film Les Miserables a few days ago which, in turn, had me thinking about teeth. 'Why?' you may ask. Hence a repost of a Bytes item from February 16, 2013.

It's a bit queasy inducing but quite informative.


Saturday, February 16, 2013

Les Mis and Teeth

Illustration from the original novel Les Miserables

Those who have seen the Tom Hooper musical film production of Les Miserables will recall Fantine, destitute and desperate, selling first her locket to support her infant daughter, then her hair, then her teeth, then finally herself.

Why, I wondered, would someone in those days have sold their teeth, that being in the novel and thence to the movie but not being a part of the stage musical.

There are other references to extractions and teeth in the music of Les Mis. The rogue Thernardier is described by the drinkers at his inn as having been at Waterloo after the fighting was done to pick the pockets of the dead. Later, as the fleeing Valjean carries the wounded Marius through the sewers., Thenardier is also present, picking the pockets of the corpses and extracting their gold fillings with pliers.

Some comments:
  • The novel Les Miserables by Victor Hugo dates from 1862. It is set in the period 1815-1832.
  • During the 19th century the sale of hair by persons who were poor or in need of funds, such as by Fantine, was a common practice. Human hair was used in wigmaking and as hair for dolls, where it was inserted into doll heads a few tufts at a time, much like hair transplants today. Hair was also used for making hair jewellery by being braided into ropes and bracelets. It will be readily apparent that the sale of hair was by the desperate lower classes to provide fashion items and playthings for the richer, upper classes.
  • Those even more desperate could resort to selling their teeth. Dentistry in those days was not a matter of veneers and fillings. Extractions were a commonplace resolution of dental problems and were carried out by the dentist, the barber, the doctor, and even the village blacksmith.
  • If a person could afford it, missing teeth were replaced with dentures made variously from metal (gold if you could afford it), wood, bone, and ivory. Sometimes even animal teeth were used.
  • The problem with bone and ivory was that these substances reacted with saliva in the mouth, decayed and caused an unpleasant taste and odour. Porcelain came to be used in the late 18th century and, whilst they didn’t rot, they appeared unnatural because of their stark white colour.
  • It was found that the best replacement for missing human teeth was... human teeth.
  • At the time of Les Miserables, replacement healthy teeth were prized and were a saleable commodity if one was prepared to have them removed without anaesthetic, to suffer disfigurement and take the risk of infection.
  • The supply by sale and purchase was unable to meet demand, so where to obtain replacements? There was a plentiful supply of teeth in the mouths of corpses; graverobbers frequently attended at the graves after burial for this purpose. Unfortunately such deceased often had lower quality, decayed teeth, having died of old age or disease. Better quality teeth were available from the mouths of healthy, young deceased soldiers. With the great number of dead on the battlefields of Waterloo in 1815, over 50,000, the pickings were good. Scavengers, including surgeons, barbers and rogues, pulled the teeth of the young dead soldiers and placed them in jars, subsequently selling them to dentists and denture manufacturers, who placed them in ivory bases. These were also only available to the rich.
  • So many teeth were pulled at Waterloo that it gave rise to the term Waterloo Teeth for human teeth used in making dentures.

Carved ivory base with human teeth.

String of human teeth for use in dentures.

One of George Washington's dentures.
Washington had various dentures made, fashioned of lead, 
wire, ivory, bone, and human and animal teeth.

  • Thenardier, in the musical Les Mis, justifies his robbing from the corpses and the taking of gold from their mouths:
Well someone's got to clean 'em up, my friends
Bodies on the highway
Law and order upside down
Someone's got to collect their odds and ends
As a service to the town!
Well, someone's got to clean them up, my friends
Before the little harvest
Disappears into the mud
Someone's got to collect their odds and ends
When the gutters run with blood.
  • Waterloo Teeth were at their most popular in the early nineteenth century. Teeth from soldiers of the American Civil War appeared in catalogues in the late 1860s. Barrels of teeth from dead soldiers from the American Civil War were sent to England.
  • New technologies and techniques that made artificial teeth appear more realistic saw the decline of the use of Waterloo Teeth.


Following is an extract from Victor Hugo’s novel Les Miserables:


Fantine has received a letter from the Thenardiers advising that Cossette has contracted a condition called military fever and that without forty francs for medicine, Cossette will surely die. Fantine is asked by a quack dentist to sell her teeth and offers her two gold napoleon coins, the equivalent of forty francs. She consults her friend, marguerite, and is told that there is such a condition as military fever that does prove fatal to many, especially to children.)


That evening she went out, and was seen to turn her steps in the direction of the Rue de Paris, where the inns are situated.

The next morning, when Marguerite entered Fantine's room before daylight,—for they always worked together, and in this manner used only one candle for the two,—she found Fantine seated on her bed, pale and frozen. She had not lain down. Her cap had fallen on her knees. Her candle had burned all night, and was almost entirely consumed. Marguerite halted on the threshold, petrified at this tremendous wastefulness, and exclaimed:—

"Lord! the candle is all burned out! Something has happened."

Then she looked at Fantine, who turned toward her, her head bereft of its hair.

Fantine had grown ten years older since the preceding night.

"Jesus!" said Marguerite, "what is the matter with you, Fantine?"

"Nothing," replied Fantine. "Quite the contrary. My child will not die of that frightful malady, for lack of succor. I am content."

So saying, she pointed out to the spinster two napoleons which were glittering on the table.

"Ah! Jesus God!" cried Marguerite. "Why, it is a fortune! Where did you get those louis d'or?"

"I got them," replied Fantine.

At the same time she smiled. The candle illuminated her countenance. It was a bloody smile. A reddish saliva soiled the corners of her lips, and she had a black hole in her mouth.

The two teeth had been extracted.

She sent the forty francs to Montfermeil.

After all it was a ruse of the Thenardiers to obtain money. Cosette was not ill.

Monday, May 3, 2021




Working From Home

Phil J. Johnson
June 2017

The grass needs cutting,
I must mend the gate.
I'm expecting a parcel,
I hope it's not late.
I must get a wash on.
There's the ironing too.
The gas bill needs paying.
There's so much to do.
I must send that email.
I can't really moan,
This is the life,
When you're working from home.

I'm due a long lie in
I must feed the cat.
There's the dishes to do,
I'll get round to that.
I'll de-frost the freezer
If I've got time,
But I'm watching the cricket.
Sky Sports is just fine!
I'll look at that spreadsheet,
Use my mobile phone,
So everyone knows
That I'm working from home.

Sunday, May 2, 2021


Last week I attended upon a hale and hearty 97 year old man who wanted to change his Will now that his wife is in a nursing home and suffering from dementia and Alzheimers.

Myself: How old is your wife?

Client: She is 86.

Myself: (jokingly) So you married a younger woman.

Client: Yes, I thought if I marry a younger one, she will be able to look after me when I am old.  But instead, I am looking after her.



A revisit to Rate My Plate.

Rate My is an online community of members that like to share, via photographs and comments. whatever is on their dinner plate. The group has over 500,000 members.

Below are selected pics and comments from the Facebook page at:

The fun is in the comments.


Full English to start the weekend by Damien C

Reader comments:

Maybe with the rest of your weekend you can go out and buy yourself a toaster!

I see you're eating it outside, in the dog house are we?? After telling the missus that you were only having 1 or 2 with your mates at the local but it turned into 11 or 12, you ignored her 18 texts got back at 2 in the morning and ended up sleeping in a bush in the garden.

It all looks good but you really need some tomatoes or beans or something to keep it from being dry. Also that should be toast and not dry sliced white bread. This isn’t soup.

Sorry but I instantly saw two penises that may have seen a bit too much sun for the past little while. On the left.

Is this breakfast or high tea? Lose the bread and butter! Looks drier than a nun’s gusset. Needs baked beans and brown sauce. Your egg looks like an amoeba from my biology class. Some of the right ingredients are there but on the whole you could do much better. 4/10

Good enough to eat is that๐Ÿ˜‹ I too like plain, crusty, unbuttered bread but just for the egg, and talking of eggs, that's pretty darned good too with its crispy bottom and runny yoke๐Ÿ‘

Good choice not to have beans. They don’t belong there.

I’m hoping that’s pepper on the egg and not charcoal. Could be improved by the bread being fried.Oh, and Get rid of that red muck bottom left.

Mushrooms are the devil's ear buds, white bread I'm sorry to say is just pulped paper. Anyone who thinks congealed blood is appetising is sick.

Almost full. May want to use the toaster. And for the love of god, you need something moist on that plate. Bean it up Damian

Oh that looks good. A proper full English. NO BEANS! This is instantly a massive improvement on most offerings on this site, but the addition of a couple of well grilled tomatoes would raise this to another level. 9/10

Add beans and grilled tomato, change red sauce for brown, toast that bread then bob’s yer uncle and Fanny’s yer aunt Damien

Few beans wouldn't go amiss, drier than a witch’s tit and maybe another rasher of bacon and I'm in, Apart from that, not bad


Crispy Bacun Booty by Becci W

Perfectly cooked bacon

Nice. Cooked properly, and placed in the bread properly ๐Ÿ‘

I’m confused... is this a deconstructed bacon sandwich, or simply bacon on bread?

Now that is how bacon should be , slap some sauce on it, i would go for HP on this occasion.

Just how I like it, and straight out of the pan, not kept warm so it turns into leather, so will be soft to eat yet crispy, and kinder to my teef. You get a good 10 from me for this, now gimme๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜Š

Bacon butty not booty. Looks delicious, though. Perfectly cooked bacon.

Bread needs to be buttered with smooth peanut butter. Don't knock it unless you have tried it. Delicious it is ๐Ÿ˜‹!

It’s bacon but it’s been laid out in the shape of a chicken... I can’t un-see this!

Looks like grilled roadkill

Loving the bacon to bread ratio, now do the right thing and put some pepper and brown sauce on that bad boy

How can you not like a bacon sarnie just the smell on its own of the bacon cooking ๐Ÿคค๐Ÿคค๐Ÿคค you should make an air freshener of that bacon aroma ๐Ÿคฉ

Sweet Mary and Jesus and the wee donkey it’s a bloody butty , it’s not a pirate treasure

Crispy?!!! More like CREMATED ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ. Also streaky bacon is the only acceptable crispy bacon. Back and middle bacon should be cooked just enough but not too much ๐Ÿ–๐Ÿคค

Butter on a bacon sandwich!! I thought there was a law against that?! Don't tell me, you suffer from gout?

Aaargh! You disgust me for putting that on here because it is too good for this page! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now drop it on the floor and roll it in some dirt or something and come back! Honestly!!

Bacon looks like the sole of a leper’s foot.


Chicken Dinner by Stace R

It looks like my cat with the dodgy guts just used your plate as a litter tray!

That gravy looks like chocolate sauce. Judging by the rest of the plate I wouldn't be surprised.

Profiteroles, mushy peas, and roadkill - must try harder

I’ve never put melted chocolate on my dinner - I suppose it hides the dried up chicken

Dinner and dessert in one, chicken, spuds & peas, with chocolate sauce dressing, not for me but whatever tickles your fancy.

Geez...I thought you had poured chocolate sauce on it...not gravy...boiled spuds too ...cudda roasted them ...mushy peas are for chips...utter shite...well done proper ๐Ÿ‘Œ

That's the worst plate of food (if it is food) I have ever clapped my eyes on. Mushy peas are to eat with fish and chips ffs. What the hell are you playing at? Better stay by the toilet tomorrow!!!

Firstly, potatos do better when actually cooked. Secondly, that chicken is about as dry as a corpses fanny after being cremated. Thirdly, it was so nice of you to regurgitate your peas for our entertainment.

Dry chicken, tinned mushy peas and boiled spuds finished off with chocolate sauce, absolutely no redeeming elements to this car crash ๐Ÿคข

Apart from the fact that mushy peas have come straight out of the devils backside that gravy looks more like ice cream topping , you have ruined a chicken there matey

Well that’s the dog’s dinner, so what are you having?

Is that gravy, or does your dog need a vet?

There's no winner winner with this chicken dinner AT ALL

Genuinely thought I was looking at some kind of organ autopsy. Don’t think this would taste much better!

Sometimes you see something that utterly stops you in your tracks. I looked at this photo for three minutes and it still hasn't made sense to me. Why would a person do this? If these ingredients were humans, we'd be putting them in care. ☹️

I'm guessing you're still single Stace ?
Don’t know where to start with your amazing offerings.. looks like you farted and followed through.

Hopefully you’ve got Stevie Wonder round for dinner.

Sweet mother of divine jayzas what in the name of God is that, quails eggs chocolate sauce, peas and something that's supposed to be chicken ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ


Cheese on Toast by Zornitsa G

I’m impressed by the way you managed to make the cheese look burnt and uncooked at the same time, great skills!!

Far too much cheese used!! ๐Ÿง€๐Ÿคข๐Ÿ˜ต But absolutely love the finishing touches showing off your fantastic art skills ๐Ÿ˜

It's quite impressive to fit a whole kg of cheese on one slice of bread

It's just far too happy for my liking, how can you bring yourself to eat him?

I can’t say anything bad ๐Ÿคฃ its a happy cheese on toast , I think you’re evil if you eat it ๐Ÿ˜œ

Even if it does look like something you'd serve at a kids birthday party, it's still miles ahead of some of the dishes on this page 5/10

I swear that's the nurse that administered my Covid jab last Tuesday.

Putting the exemplary culinary skills to one side, artistically, van Gogh would have been proud of this masterpiece.

He looks very happy considering he's going to be eaten, digested and shat out into a toilet pan

FFS Zornista, what is that? Sigmund Freud would have a field day analysing this monstrosity.

You've spent far too long making your cheese on toast Happy when in reality you're crying out for A McDonald's

See you’ve went for the “ cheap cheese that don’t melt”, just grows a skin like Freddy Kruger’s face.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I’ve never wanted to punch food before. New feeling.

Looks like a child's drawing of a minion ๐Ÿ˜‚

It’s a skill to turn cheese into a tired old pair of tits Zornitsa...

Looks like Sponge Bob Square Pants

Did you name it “scarface” ?

WTF did you do to Spongebob?


Corned Beef with Mash & Beens by Justen B

Just rest this plate precariously on the side of the couch. Why not? Also, that fork on the couch is exempt from all germs probably.

beautifully cut beef, mmmmmmm. Justin this looks just soooooo good why wouldn’t you show it off on the arm of the sofa? The cup holder I love to. Get your feet up pal enjoy your dinner and watch Ready Steady Cook

It’s so frustrating when professionals use this page to show off their creations to massage their own ego’s !! ‘Yes yes, you’re amazing, well done you’ ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Only a true gastronome would have the foresight to marry those delicately balanced flavours on the same plate. I salute you!

Your bean to mash ratio is ridiculous and that corned beef looks like it’s been frisbeed across the room and by luck landed on your plate. It’s like you’ve just given up. I can only hope the rim of your plate manages to hold back the bean overboard situation that is imminent.

Quality meal, bit overboard with the beans but other than that, restaurant quality stuff right there

Only one Charlotte potato was harmed in this meal. I feel sad that it gave it’s life for this.

The fact that you don’t know when the beans will tumble off the side gives this dinner an edgey vibe!

The thought of those beans going over the edge of the plate is giving me anxiety.

You know when you get that feeling after being on holiday and eating out every night... especially in America where portions are big and everything comes with cheese sauce ... and you're desperate to go home for some simple no frills food... well this isn't that...

I’m concerned, there is no barrier between that tsunami of beans and your cream sofa ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

The amount of respect I have for you is about as thin as the gap between those beans and the edge of that plate

I honestly thought I was on the MasterChef page. The juxtaposition of that corned beef carved to perfection against the random, one might say, landscaped mash is clever enough. Then bringing it together with haricot beans suspended in a tomato coulis coulis makes it a work of genius.

You take the word 'Basic' to another level. Three great ingredients, so little imagination.

Big wide world out there, go out and meet people.

I'm wondering if all three of these items could be used to retile my bathroom

An absolute pauper’s dinner. Rotten.

1939 called, it wants it rations back.

I’d rather eat your cheap carpet

With that many beans on the plate I'm sure your living room ended up resembling that scene from Blazing Saddles when Mongo and his crew shared a bucket of beans by the camp fire. It became a legendary fartfest. .

This meal looks so bad...even the potatoes are trying to hide from it.

Don't let mum see you resting your plate on the arm of the settee like that.

I’ve seen more appetising plates of dog food.

If I’d had all my teeth knocked out in a freak shower slipping incident, that would probably be my go to meal choice.

Looks amazing, you are so imaginative with your food.

I’m not sure you’ve got enough beans there! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Your corned beef looks like offcuts of the living room carpet my parents had in the 80s. ๐Ÿ˜

I wasn’t aware that you could make corned beef hash look any less appetising but you’ve gone and done it ๐Ÿคฎ

This my friends is a culinary masterpiece we see the e deconstructed corned beef hash.....all the best restaurants do a ‘deconstructed dish’ well down Chef Justen oh by the way - who in earth spells Justin with a bloody E????


Homemade Cabbage Soop by Margaret H

The Polish people love cabbage soup especially with some sliced Kabanos in it. Gorgeous.

Looks like the dog puked on your plate Maggie love

This is genuinely one of the worst things I've ever seen and I've seen my fiancรฉe give birth twice now

I think even the cabbage walked away from whatever slop that is ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Margaret if the definition of soup is grey mess you re winning! Stick to the cats and knitting!

Have to admit I’ve eaten many places but never have I been served soup on a plate! ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

Ah... as prepared by Linda Blair when she spewed it out in the Exorcist. Knew I'd seen it before! Complete with meaty chunks by the looks of it too. Lovely.

Nothing quite like a meal, that blends in with the rest of the table ๐Ÿ‘Œ

Oh dear Margaret. Should have left that in the 1970’s along with rest of your decor. Looks like it may have come off the back of your wallpaper

Dear Margaret, I am sure you are a beautiful human but this really has ruined my Sunday๐Ÿคข. It looks like it’s been left on a doormat and hopefully somebody can wipe their poop stained shoes on it to make it more appetising๐Ÿ˜œ

Soup is meant to be eaten with a spoon and not a knife and fork. All I see is a plate of work house gruel.

I'm not sure what's worse, the placemat, the plate or the cat vomit !

With the tray and cutlery maybe we should start a ‘Rate my Plate, Antiques Edition’.

If that's not a good reason not to go vegan I don't know what is..Eating soup with a knife and’re a wrongun..๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

Looks like you scraped grease off your oven and poured it onto a plate. Disgusting!

Looks like something that fell out of my shnoz when I had a heavy cold

Looks like dog puke after it's ate dog puke

FFS Margaret, let's start with the placemat hideous, plate horrendous, cutlery is manky and that plate of lizard pus you've put on that plate is the worst I've seen on here.

You know when your dishwasher stops working? It’s normally because Margaret’s been cooking soup in the overflow pipe ๐Ÿคข

Margaret, really sorry that your Dog threw up on it just as you posted! ๐Ÿคฎ

I have never, eaten soup with a knife and fork. That reminds me, I need to clean the fish pond out๐Ÿฅด๐Ÿคฎ

Margaret I’d rather eat out of bins than this

You're supposed to use a litter tray, not a plate.

Soup served on a plate ๐Ÿค”. To be eaten with a knife and fork...... I don’t think you’ve picked the right cookery book up Margaret.

In the future if my husband ever has a bad comment about my cooking I shall show him this picture as a reminder things can always be worse.

Can we have a picture of it before you ate it and shat it out.

Honestly, I think I’d rather eat the placemat.

The carpet table mat looks more appealing than this abomination ๐Ÿคข

Look like the warnings in the back of a cigarette packet๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคข


Classic Mince & Beens by Paul N

Beautiful presentation but overly fussy for me

Oh my what an amazing platter, perfectly presented. You are on your way to Masterchef

Stunning work. I love the contrast between the braised beans and the slow cooked tender pulled beef

Classic, nothing classic about this. If you think this is acceptable and appropriate then I dread to think what your house looks like. Mind you, you must have done some hoovering as it looks like you have emptied out the contents of the bag, mixed it with sludge out of your drain pipe and pushed it through a mincer, added some cheap cost-cutter beans and chucked a rock cake on the plate! 1/10, outstanding, a masterpiece,

Presentation is amazing beans slightly underdone for my liking but love the way you kept them away from the mince in a way only experts appreciate ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป

Never before have I seen a 5 tone colour picture of food, of which 2 colours include the plate and table, fail so miserably not only as an evening meal, but also as a piece of modern art.

Classic - adjective: "judged over a period of time to be of the highest quality and outstanding of its kind"

I think we can all agree that the word "classic" has been catastrophically misused in this instance.

I love the lighting, looks like you've just slid this through the slat of a dungeon door in the basement where you keep your victims

You sir have restored my faith in “classic dishes” ๐Ÿง

I cannot even find the words..... what on earth is this? I'm thinking you've been living in a cave and have never seen a restaurant, cook book, cookery show!!!!

This looks like a sheep has been hung, drawn and quartered and slopped onto an old camping plate during a rain storm on a camp site in Aberystwyth.

At least the tins you opened have been freed of their burden.

Brilliant ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป
There's been too much edible stuff on here lately!

Classic?? In what sense ? I have seen divorced couples look better together than this “ beans and mince” combo .

Do you get your inspiration from the menu in your local care home? ๐Ÿคท‍♂️

Whilst farming I once found a lamb in a ditch that died some time previous. I had to fork it out from the mud and dump it in a slurry pit. It looked more appetising than this.

Nice one Paul, pretty sure that’s gonna come out faster than it went in and probably look much the same.

I didn't know Chernobyl was supplying the UK with jacket potatoes, but a little radiation will make that skin deliciously crispy. And the potatoes too come to think of it

You might as well just scrape that down the toilet, cutting out the middleman, which will also save you a few blood vessels and bog rolls!!

Unfair that we now have offerings from what is obviously a professional chef posted on here!๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผ‍♂️

Paul N..... you are welcome to the group but your parole isn’t up till 2045. Stay strong brother

As a Glaswegian, where mince n tatties is part of our cultural food heritage, this photo offends me.

I'm sending Oor Wullie doon tae kick ye in the plumbs wi his tackity boots!

The delicate way that you have barfed ๐Ÿคฎ onto the plate is a projectile masterpiece ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿป๐Ÿ˜ณ Top Marks for not getting it over the table...


Pesto Pasta with Tempeh and Black Been Noodles by Adam S

Congratulations on you dog crap and vomit concoction you must be very proud. Thought most people would leave this outside where the dog did it not plate it up.

It's a good job you told us what it is, because it looks like a huge dollop of dog poo with chunks of undigested sosig roll in it. And this is why we love Rate my Plate! Well done ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ…๐Ÿ‘

Fantastic, it looks like you've ate the food, shat it out, ate it again then vomited it up onto the plate, exactly what we expect.

Omg I literally had a bit of sick come up when I looked at this

That looks like the results of 15 pints of lager, a doner kebab, then it aggravates the stomach ulcer and i vomit on the pavement.

All in all a good night out ๐Ÿ™„

Adam I’d imagine this is what it looks like when a bird has eaten a belly full of worms and then burped it down it’s babies throat.

That’s more like it, to be honest I was getting a bit fed up with all the gastro pub shite on a square plate malarkey. Excellent effort ๐Ÿ‘

Looks like you’ve scraped the contents of a few nappies to create this masterpiece ๐Ÿคฎ

That reminds me, the dog has some sort of bacterial gut infection. Must ring the vet.

My dog did something similar to this on the walk this morning, I gotta admit I did my best but couldn't pick all of it up due to the wetness. I imagine this to smell the same ๐Ÿคข

Good grief. It looks like garden slugs & cheese.

If you’re going to feed your dog vegetables then you should probably chop them up first. That must have hurt on the way out.

That reminds me, must go and unblock my sink!!!

I’m guessing that plate comes with a biohazard warning.

Some one pass me the bleach so I can soak my eyes in it!

This took me right back to 2008 when I had gastric flu

A month or so ago my cat ate a load of caterpillars and puked them up. His vomited caterpillars looked more appetising than this.

I remember when we were kids at school and we used to scrape our plates into a big drum to go for pig swill. This is the contents of that drum.....

Jaysus you need to get that dog to the vet straight away. He needs a few bob Martin's. Serious dose of worms. Bob Martin's will sort him out in a few days.

And the best plate of regurgitated dog food goes to........... drum roll please
yes! its
Adam S ๐Ÿ‘

You win for the worst thing I have yet seen on here. I’m on a diet, well done for helping me lose my appetite ๐Ÿคข

Imagine being on the very cusp of death from starvation, your stomach eating itself from the inside. Imagine if this was your proposed savior. To quote Jud from Pet Sematary, "sometimes, dead is better".

Sorry Adam, I'm struggling with this one. Are you sure it's a meal and not the physical manifestation of your empty miserable and unhappy existence?

I’ve seen better looking food on the pavement at 4am on a Saturday morning

Do you always have a plate handy when you can't make it to the toilet

That's the worst thing I've ever seen and I've watched my grandparents sex tape!!!!

I’m trying to work out if you cooked it, threw it up or shat it out.... I don’t think I want to know the answer ๐Ÿ˜‚