Sunday, April 21, 2019
A happy Easter Sunday to all Byters.
Some Jesus-themed humour follows. Although not disrespectful, those who may be offended should not read further.
A little boy and his mother, shopping for Easter candies and decorations, ran into their minister in the store. Mom and reverend exchanged a little chit-chat. Then the reverend looked at little Johnny and asked, “So, what are you up to today?” “Oh,” Johnny said, “We’re getting ready for Easter!” Seeing a pedagogical opportunity, the reverend replied “Oh really? Hey, just what exactly is Easter anyway? Do you know what happened on Easter?” Little Johnny looked at the reverend a little offended. “Of course I know what Easter is. It’s when Jesus went to Jerusalem, and he rode a donkey, and they waved palms at him.” “That’s right, go on” said the reverend.” “And he got in trouble and he was beat up and yelled at and then they nailed him on a cross and then he died.” “Very good Johnny! What happened next?” “Well then they put him in a tomb and they put a big rock in front of it. But three days later he got raised and got out of there.” “Johnny, that’s great!” said the reverend, pleased to know his Sunday School program worked so well. “But that’s not all” said Johnny. “Oh, said reverend, what else?” “Well, the rock got rolled back, and he stepped out, and he looked around, and if he sees his shadow there’s six more weeks of winter.”
Jesus: What do people call the day I was crucified?
Me: Good Friday. We call it "Good Friday."
Jesus: What the fuck??
Jesus: Well, how do you celebrate my resurrection?
Me: We eat chocolate bunnies.
Jesus: Am I being punk'd?
[In Heaven, after the crucifixion]
Jesus: They were horrible Dad, I’m pleased I’m not going back there.
God: [rubbing his neck] See, the thing is . . .
Okay, so we know about Jesus when he’s a baby, and Jesus when he’s an adult, but does the Bible ever mention his rebellious teenage years?
“Jesus, go feed the donkey.”
“YOU’RE NOT MY REAL FATHER.”
The ground shakes a little and a voice comes down from the sky.
“Do what your stepfather says, you little shit.”
More a visual one but worth including, from the 2009 road movie Charlie and Boots, Paul Hogan as Charlie talking to his son, nicknamed Boots:
So one day God was sitting around in Heaven on his Lay-Z-Boy recliner. Well, he can if he wants to - he's God.
And he saw his son come in and he said, "Jesus, lad, over here." He said, "I've been looking down at Earth and it's a terrible mess. I'm gonna have to send you down there to straighten them out."
And Jesus said, "My pleasure, Dad."
"There's a bit of a drawback, though, " he said. "I'm gonna have to send you as a human being. You'll be mortal and I'm afraid you're gonna have to die for their sins."
Jesus says, "Ohhh, you know, OK, your wish is my command, " etc.
He said, "Look, son, the best thing I can do, though, is I can give you a choice in how you're gonna die. You can either be crucified or you can be stung to death by killer bees”
And that's the reason that all over the world today, Christians make the sign of the cross (makes the sign of the cross). and not...
(gesticulates with both arms and hands as though wildly trying to wave away bees).
Old man Cohen is getting along in years. He decides to retire and let his 3 sons run the company, which manufactures a wide variety of nails. The sons think that they can increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
A week later the old man is taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he sees a huge billboard ad with a picture of Christ on the Cross. The caption reads "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Cohen’s Nails."
The old man immediately meets with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He tells themn that the backlash could be horrendous and that he wants to see noi further ads showing Christ crucified. The sons agree to do so.
A week later the old man is again taking his usual Sunday drive when he sees a billboard with a picture of the same cross, empty. The caption reads “If they had used Cohen’s Nails, He would still be there.”
In the same vein . . .
Saturday, April 20, 2019
The world has gone mad watching the final season of Game of Thrones. Dan Fogelman, the creator of US show This Is Us, recently described a celebrity encounter with GoT writer George R Martin. Fogelman and his friend Alex Hanan, a big GoT fan, met Martin after a Broadway show.
Here is Fogelman’s story . . .
George R Martin
Dan Fogelman’s account:
Anyone want a quick personal story about George R. Martin?
Over a year ago a close buddy and I get to see Springsteen’s Broadway show. It’s a big deal for us. My buddy, Alex, gets there super early, because he’s excited, and calls me as I’m in a cab heading there.
He’s talking a mile a minute. While waiting outside the theatre, he has spotted George R. Martin. He says he’s going to go talk to him. I beg him not to. He hangs up on me.
Now, a bit about Alex. He is larger than life. Handsome and charming as hell, with the best head of hair you’ve ever seen. He’s also obsessed w Game of Thrones like no one you’ve ever known. And he never listens to anyone so I just KNOW he’s going to go accost George R. Martin.
I arrive at the theatre. Alex is waiting, bursting with energy as always. He tells me he approached George. Got a picture. And, somehow - miraculously - got George R Martin’s cell phone number. George was with his wife and told Alex they usually go for pizza after a show.
Alex says to him: “maybe we will join you.” Alex and I chuckle at his chutzpah.
We see Springsteen. The entire show Alex is debating when to text George. I beg him to let it go. I know George will never reply and Alex will he disappointed
The Springsteen show ends. It’s amazing. Alex, as I knew he would, immediately texts George. And to my absolute shock... George R Martin writes Alex back! He tells us to meet them at a local pizza joint.
Alex and I go. I’m convinced it’s going to end badly. A weird miscommunication. We are going to get ghosted. At least it will be a funny story. And then...
George and his lovely wife arrive.
We eat pizza for an hour or two. George and I talk shop. Alex tries to play it cool, only makes a few nerdy Thrones references. At meal’s end, George gives Alex a Westeros coin. Alex reacts stronger than is appropriate for a 40-something man.
We all part ways. Alex is giddy.
Here’s what George R Martin didn’t know that night. My handsome, well-haired, larger than life pal Alex is battling a random case of stage 4 lung cancer. He will pass away a year later. I will dedicate the S3 premiere of This Is Us to him.
But for that entire year, Alex never stops talking about his night with his hero. And, in turn, I will never stop telling that story. Or, bigger picture: Alex’s story.
For our friends, watching this season’s GOT will be bittersweet without Alex texting us annoying spoilers.
But it will also be a reminder of our friend, who we miss terribly. And for me; not just a reminder of the power of storytelling. But also a reminder of the importance of kindness (for no other reason than being kind) these days.
Alex Hanan with George R Martin
Friday, April 19, 2019
Welcome to Funny Friday which today happens to be Good Friday. That's not a corruption of God’s Friday, by the way, it comes from the word “good” in the past having meant "pious, holy".
So have a fun holiday break and enjoy today’s humour.
Caution though: religious themed humour and risque language follows. Do not go further if you may ne offended.
The mention of God sets the scene for a Funny Friday item, which needs some background.
In the last few days Australian footballer Israel Folau has been in the news for expressing anti-gay religious views. Folau, a member of the Assemblies of God church and who had grown up as Mormon, declared that gays will burn in Hell After standing by his views and comments, Rugby Australia announced their intention to void Folau's contract and remove him permanently from the Australian national team. That same day the chairman of the Australian Rugby League, Peter Beattie, announced that Folau would be banned from any NRL team in the future. The decision and vilification of Folau has not been universal. Other sportspersons have stood by Folau on the basis of free speech and the right to express opinion.
Dr Laura Schlessinger (1947 - ) is an American talk radio host whose radio program consists mainly of her responses to callers' requests for personal advice. She has said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
In an open letter to Dr. Laura, Professor James M. Kauffman, Professor Emeritus at the University of Virginia responded to her Biblical justification for her views:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual "uncleanliness" - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education, University of Virginia.
From the vault:
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
"I've got a problem, boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.
"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."
Limerick of the week:
A mortician who practised in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, dinna budge --
Just the same as she acted in life."
I know the next one is for Christmas, rather than Easter, but I liked it so ignore the discrepancy . . .
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero
Why does Edward Woodward have four D's in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar