Friday, January 28, 2022





Time again for some laughs, apparently the best medicine, according to the Readers Digest.

But be warned, risque content ahead (and don't think I don't realise that some of you smile at that and think "Oh, good. . . ")




A poem that’s not a limerick:

Fly like a butterfly,
Sting like a bee,
I slept with yo mama,
Now it burns when I pee.


A man walks into the pharmacy with his 9-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

-----oOo----- is a fake, rip-off scam website –

The results of my ancestry came back 85% German and 10% Bavarian/Eastern European, but I know FOR A FACT that my grandparents came to Australia from Argentina!


When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walked off.

5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walked off.

I eventually found it myself.

It was in Aisle C.


Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the direction of General Xi Jinping]


A burglar breaks into an apartment. He's sure that nobody is home, but just in case he keeps all of the lights off. As he is moving around with a torch, a voice says "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar freezes on the spot, shines his torch around but doesn’t see anyone.

A few minutes pass and the voice comes again, "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar again pauses and shines his torch around. This time he spots a parrot in the corner. "I can see you and so can Jesus.”

"What would you know," says the burglar, "You're just a fucking parrot!"

"Yeah, I may be a fucking parrot," replies the bird, "but Jesus is a fucking Doberman."


And one not from the vault on a similar theme . . . 


A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house. Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the parrot: "Hey, arsehole!"

The handyman does not react.

Again, "Hey, arsehole, yes, you, useless mf."

The handyman gets angry and answers "Shut up, you fucking nasty bird."

The parrot: "Max, attack!"





There was an old man of Calcutta
Who spied through a chink in the shutter,
But all he could see
Was his wife's bare knee,
And the back of the bloke who was up her.






I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d slept with.

She said “Yeah, I was awake with the other ones.”


I told my wife that I would buy her a diamond necklace for her birthday.

She said nothing would please her more.

So I gave her nothing instead.


I asked my wife if I'm the only one she has ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.


Out of respect for Meat Loaf passing I went to the record shop.

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

(By way of explanation, there were 3 Meatloaf Bat Out of Hell albums:
Bat Out of Hell
Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell
Bat Out of Hell III: The Monster Is Loose)


I got my Covid test results back today.

It said "50"... What does that even mean?!

Also, my IQ test came back positive.

I'm so confused.


I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman." He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me." I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."


Thursday, January 27, 2022



Yesterday being Australia Day, I posted some facts and trivia about Australia, which many (myself included) regard as “the best country in the world, no risk.”

I mentioned in that post that I did not propose to enter into the debate about the day being regarded as Invasion Day by many, both indigenous and non-indigenous, or about shifting the date.

These aspects were however discussed with some family members on Oz Day, during which I raised the concept of the black armband view of history.

It occurred to me that some brief comments on the black armband view of history might be worth sharing.

“The black armband view of our past reflects a belief that most Australian history since 1788 has been little more than a disgraceful story of imperialism, exploitation, racism, sexism and other forms of discrimination.”

- John Howard, 1996

In Western culture, a black armband signifies that the wearer is in mourning or wishes to identify with the commemoration of a family friend, comrade or team member who has died.

The phrase "black armband view of history" was first used by conservative historian Geoffrey Blainey in 1993 in his Sir John Latham Memorial Lecture, which was later published in the magazine Quadrant.

Blainey used the expression o describe views of history which, he believed, posited that "much of [pre-multicultural] Australian history had been a disgrace" and which focused mainly on the treatment of minority groups (especially Aboriginal people).

Blainey contrasted the above with the Three Cheers view, according to which: "nearly everything that came after [the convict era] was believed to be pretty good".

Blainey argued that both such accounts of Australian history were inaccurate: "The Black Armband view of history might well represent the swing of the pendulum from a position that had been too favourable, too self-congratulatory, to an opposite extreme that is even more unreal and decidedly jaundiced."

The phrase was used by some in describing historians considered to be writing excessively critical Australian history "while wearing a black armband" of "mourning and grieving, or shame".

In the 1996 Sir Robert Menzies Lecture, Prim\e Minister John Howard stated:
The 'black armband' view of our history reflects a belief that most Australian history since 1788 has been little more than a disgraceful story of imperialism, exploitation, racism, sexism and other forms of discrimination. ... I believe that the balance sheet of our history is one of heroic achievement and that we have achieved much more as a nation of which we can be proud than of which we should be ashamed. In saying that I do not exclude or ignore specific aspects of our past where we are rightly held to account. Injustices were done in Australia and no-one should obscure or minimise them. ... But ... our priority should ... [be] to commit to a practical program of action that will remove the enduring legacies of disadvantage.

In 2009, Howard's successor Kevin Rudd also called for moving away from a black-arm view:
Time to leave behind us the polarisation that began to infect our every discussion of our nation's past. To go beyond the so-called "black arm" view that refused to confront some hard truths about our past, as if our forebears were all men and women of absolute nobility, without spot or blemish. But time, too, to go beyond the view that we should only celebrate the reformers, the renegades and revolutionaries, thus neglecting or even deriding the great stories of our explorers, of our pioneers, and of our entrepreneurs. Any truthful reflection of our nation's past is that these are all part of the rich fabric of our remarkable story ...

In opposition to the concept of the black armband view of history, there has developed the counter proposition of the white blindfold view of history, a view of Australian history that emphasizes the achievements of white society and ignores issues such as the dispossession and ill-treatment of Aboriginal people.

“ . . . in designing the Australian curriculum. . . it is neither black armband nor white blindfold.”

Education Minister (later Deputy PM and then PM) Julia Gillard, announcing a new national schools curriculum, 2010

So what is the answer?

Up to you to make up your own mind and come to your own conclusions.

Or maybe just be aware.




Bonus item:

The same theme in joke format . . . 

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

Wednesday, January 26, 2022





 Today is Australia Day. 

We won’t  enter into the debate on whether it should be regarded as Invasion Day or whether the date should be shifted to a day other than the anniversary of the proclamation of British sovereignty over Australia.

What we will do is have a look at some facts and trivia about this great country . . .

Australia is the world's largest inhabited island and the smallest continent.

Australia is the largest continent occupied by one nation and is the least populated.

Australia is the only English-speaking country to have made voting compulsory in federal and state elections. It results in a voter turnout of 95 per cent.

Many polling stations have barbecues and sell sausage sandwiches, dubbed “democracy sausages”.

The world's largest electorate (2,255,278 km2) is Kalgoorlie, Western Australia.

The secret ballot box, the most prized symbol of democracy, was pioneered in Victoria in 1856.

Between the towns of Ooldia and Nurina in Western Australia, is the world's longest straight stretch of railway, 478.4 kilometres in length.

From 1897 to 1905, Kings Cross, Sydney, was called Queen's Cross.

The Great Barrier Reef is the longest coral reef in the world, extending over 2,012.5 kilometres.

Tully, in Queensland, is the wettest town in Australia with an average annual rainfall of 355.6 centimetres (11 ft, 10 inches).

Western Australia is three and a half times as big as Texas.

Lake Eyre, 16 metres below sea level, has the lowest elevation. It is also the driest area.

The oldest daily newspaper in the southern hemisphere is the Sydney Morning Herald (1831).

The Australian coastline totals 36,735 kilometres.

Marble Bar, Western Australia, recorded the longest period of extreme heat of above 37.7 C. for 160 days from October 1923 to April 1924.

The average Australian can expect to eat during his or her lifetime: 17 beef cattle, 92 sheep, 406 loaves of bread, 165,000 eggs 8 tons of fruit, half a ton of cheese and ten tons of veggies.

Australia's record 24-hour rainfall of 907 mm (36.28 inches) occurred at Crohamhurst, Queensland, in 1893.

No part of Australia is further than 1000 kilometres from the sea.

Between 1788 and 1856, 157,000 convicts were sent to Australia. This is only one-third of the total sent to the United States.

Fifty percent of the continent has less than 300 millimetres annual rainfall.

Granny Smith apples were originally cultivated by Maria Smith of Eastwood, New South Wales, in the 1860s.

The first radio station in Australia was built near Pennant Hills, Sydney, in 1912.

The first television station in Australia opened in 1956 as TCN Channel 9, Sydney.

Sydney's Opera House was designed by Danish architect Jorn Utzon in 1957. Construction began in 1959 and it was officially opened by Queen Elizabeth II in 1973

Sydney Tower, at Centrepoint, is the highest building in the southern hemisphere, 324.8 metres above sea level.

Ayers Rock is a red granite monolith, 859.53 metres above sea level. It is 8.85 kilometres in circumference, and is 347.3 metres above the plain.

Wolf Creek, Western Australia, has the largest meteorite crater in Australia, measuring 853.44 metres in diameter and 61 metres deep.

In 1854 a large meteorite was found at Cranbourne, Victoria, weighing more than 5 tons.

The last tram ran in Sydney on 26 February 1961. Trams still run in Melbourne.

The highest recorded temperature of 53.1 C was at Cloncurry, Queensland, on 16 January 1889.

The world's largest cattle station, 30,028.3 km2, is almost the same size as Belgium.

The oldest skeleton found in Australia was at Lake Mungo in New South Wales. It is believed to be 38,000 years old and is the skeleton of a female.

Sydney hosted the Olympic Games in the year 2000!


Tuesday, January 25, 2022





A revisit to the popular site Rate My Plate where people post pics of the meals they have prepared and others comment. The site can be viewed at:

I have posted a selection of the most recent, with some of the comments from the public, but there are many that have achieved iconic status z(perhaps the subject of a future Bytes), for example:


So, bon appetit . . . 


Spag & Toast by Paul M


Suppose that’s what happens when you cook spaghetti in the same pan your making wax melts to sell on marketplace ๐Ÿง‘๐Ÿผ‍๐Ÿณ

Think I saw the same meal in beetlejuice, it came alive and grabbed their faces

You’re supposed to butter the toast, not the spaghetti

Looks like hands pulling this meal into the depths of hell where it belongs.

Some dudes in a jacuzzi admiring their spaghetti.

Looks like an oil slick on the top of the spaghetti.

Something is very off with that spaghetti.. it looks like it has been mixed with epoxy resin..

You’re supposed to butter the toast….

Still, at least you have a nice clear image of your arteries.

Looks like you’ve vommed into a baseball glove

Looks like Stonehenge in tinned spaghetti

I feel like there is something missing from this dish... ah yes, the bin!

Why you using your dustbin to serve food in? You can get plates and bowls very reasonably priced in many good high street outlets and online

Did you toast your bread with an LED light?

Looks like what my washing up water looks like after washing up greasy pans ๐Ÿคฃ


Homemade Cottage Pie by Peter O

That looks too good for this page hope you step on the cat's tail and drop it

Peter, why have you topped mince with Mr Kiplings Country Slice ? Surely if cake and mince was a good combo Mary Berry would have rinsed it years ago with a book or two

Are you a John Lennon fan?
I know he said give peas a chance, but I’d have ignored him and put more mince in

Didn’t need the peas, but otherwise it looks far too good for this group ๐Ÿ˜‚

A couple of slices of gravy and you’re good … that’s got solid foundations

That looks absolutely divine Peter,

Is the roof made of rice pudding ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Looks nice but needs gravy and chips. ๐Ÿ™‚

Looks like the thatch is too thick on your cottage.

Even better its been correctly named. People calling cottage pie shepherd's pie is a pet peeve of mine lol. Its only shepherd if it's made with LAMB xx

Dry as a nuns…[Wine glass?]

Definitely could do with a moat of gravy running around that bad boy! Good effort though ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

Is this a shepherd's pie, as it contains carrots and pies, a shepherd's pie is lamb mince, carrotts and peas, a cottage pie is beef mince and onions no other vegetables apart from the mashed potatoes on the top which is the same for both dishes x

Peter. Very innovative my friend. You've served your main and a pud in one go. Savoury mince, topped with sponge cake. Lovely.

Looks like you've taken something from your cat litter, baked on 180c for 30 mins and served!


The correct amount of butter by Josh N

Looks like you all like your butter like you like your Covid.
Not spread around.

I can feel my acid reflux coming on just by looking at this!

No! Needs to be right to the edges & fully melted. It’s either too much or poor spreading!

Nothing better than a bit of toast with your Butter!

But it's cold!!! you've spent so long fannying on with getting so much on that your toast has gone cold and the butter mountain hasn't melted. total failure. go away and have a word with yourself

You could plaster a ceiling with the contents of Josh's arteries...

If I'm not mopping my plate with the toast/crumpets, it's not enough butter.

Your cutting skills are really letting this plate down. Why would you not cut corner to corner?

It has to be real butter, spread lots and lots onto toast while really hot and all the way to the edges. Dripping is best. Mmmmm ๐Ÿคค

You would make a rubbish window cleaner.

Needs more butter.

Definitely looks like nasty margarine and not proper salted butter or Lurpak - so…

Couldn’t be arsed to wash a butter knife so just used a trowel instead?? I bet your a dab hand with a tub of polyfilla


Jellied Lamb Roast by Dani D

Cat food mate !

I'm guessing you're gastric band has been fitted

My cat would even turn her nose up at that ๐Ÿคฎ

Don't think I'll be going to your house for jelly and ice cream

Ahh, I wondered where my Petri dish had gone...

Is this for your cat? Please say this is for your cat....

I always wondered where Katie Price’s removed implants went?

Looks like cat food jelly with contents of an ashtray in it.

This is brilliant ๐Ÿ˜‚ lamb pannacotta, get at least £80 for this in London

Wow, that looks like it was dropped on my Nan’s floor back in 1969.

Looks like something was causing a blockage in your drain, lucky you pulled it out with a plunger ๐Ÿ˜ƒ๐Ÿ‘

Ahh, the old 'throw a bucket of gelatine in the toilet trick'. Classic.

Thank you Dani you’ve restored my faith in Rate My Plate, too many good meals been on here lately, I bet you are a mortician and made this dish with the leftovers ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿคฃ

There once was a woman called dani d
She thought hmm what can I eat for tea
Whilst feeding her cat
She thought yes I'll try that
And sat down to eat cat food with glee!


Mince & Spuds by Ste V

I've just used 2 lbs of mince to make Feetloaf for the mother in law:

This is another that’s too good for this page! Just one thing, buy some slightly bigger plates man!

What kind of animal doesn't have the mince in their puddings!

Would look better with gravy ๐Ÿ˜ X

Yummy love mince and tatties. Reminds me of my childhood.

Best looking dish on this page thus far. I’d eat that in a flash. Well done ๐Ÿ‘

An avalanche of revolting - except for the broccoli which looks good

Missed a trick there……. Should have filled the Yorkies with mince, topped with spud and had individual Yorkie Cottage Pies!

I see what you did Ste, take photo under a million watt flood light and edit photo color setting to max

Looks like a Sesame Street character

That reminds me the garden needs some tree surgery

Looks like Johnny 5 out of short circuit

Mince, spuds and hedge trimmings.

Is that Dolly Parton's bra up the back there?

This looks like a picture the Hubble telescope has sent back. If I was NASA I’d be very concerned.


Homemade Pasta with Gravy by Jazmin P

Everytime Jazmin makes this, somewhere an Italian grandma dies.

An abomination

I’ve never seen a plate of food that incorporates none of the food groups. There is more nutrition in sawdust

Pasta swirls in Creosote. Lovely, absolute winner.

Looks like you’ve been soaking the rust off a bag of screws lolx

I wonder if you swallow pasta whole, don't chew it and wait for 8 hours, this is the result?

Looks like your pasta needs an oil change.

Just like mama used to make… once the dementia set in

Fantastic dish, just a few tiny little things I’d add to make it a touch better...
a few onions, some chopped garlic, chopped tomatoes, tomato purรฉe, a little salt, some mince, mixed Italian herbs, Parmesan cheese....and just take away the gravy , with a side of garlic bread...and that would be spot on

Never homemade, surely you're in a Michelin starred Italian restaurant?

This looks absolutely amazing...said no one ever

Very occasionally my dog has diarrhoea with worms too…I’d never put it in a bowl though.

Wow homemade!? You usually only find this kind of thing in high end establishments


Cheesy Garlic Fries, Smoked Pancetta, Bread and Butter by Ste V

What did you spread the butter with a flip flop ๐Ÿ˜ณ

Bet that tastes amazing i could eat that i don't care what it looks like!

This is what I like to call the 2 days before payday special, throw bits and pieces together and hope for the best ๐Ÿคฃ

Butter and bread*

As much as it looks like the left overs from last Thursdays Pizza Hut buffet on bread, I still fancy it. You’re getting good at this Ste

Does this come with a defib for when your arteries clog with all that butter on yer bread ๐Ÿž

That’s where all the panic buying butter went.

Was the bread buttered by an out of work brickie


Breakfast by Daithi P

Jonas from Dagenham had a family tradition of combining food with everyday household items, Today it’s the the turn of scrambled eggs, peanut butter and a bath matt

Mmm, scrambled egg and chunky peanut butter scrapings served on a bed of recycled plastic microbeads.

You do know eating plastic doesn’t count as recycling right?

I like peanut butter atop my sea anemone too, don't let these heathens say otherwise Daithi.

I’d rather eat the lithograph on that god awful plate!

This takes me back to the toilet roll shortage of 2020...

Which is the healthy lung and which is the diseased lung, and how on earth did you take the picture after coughing them both up?

I have no idea what any of that is

Looks like what I got when I lived in Thailand and asked for a ‘full English breakfast’

Daithi you need to come and tell us exactly what that salt and Styrofoam clump is and why have you put peanut butter on it

Good to see you’re practising splendid hygiene standards - eat with the left, wipe with the right..

Gotta love peanut butter on a sea sponge


Classic Corned Beef with Mash & Beens by Barry R

I can only assume Barry's in his eighties, and learned to cook from his mum during the blitz....

Barry, it’s lovely to see you letting the kids make tea with you. I can taste how cold that entire meal is

"Corned beef" is definitely something else in the US. It's a brisket that's boiled with spices and stuff. We eat it with spicy mustard. It does NOT look like cheap cat food!

Barry, one of your beeens is making a break for it... im not sure it agrees that your food is a classic love....

The word classic is doing some very heavy lifting in that sentence.

This is why the rest of the world hates us.

Tonight’s special is Salt-cured brisket medallions served on a bed of pomme purรฉe, with a side of oven-baked white beans in a tomato jus. Michelin star quality food, Barry you are so talented.

Great presentation Barry, like how you've tried to A la carte a tin of dog food over yesterday's leftover spuds and beans scrapped out the bottom of the food caddy!! You my son, are going places!! (probably the loo after eating that)

Can't beat a bit of "war food" as my mate calls it..๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„

Who sliced the corned beef lad, Stevie Wonder๐Ÿคท‍♂️๐Ÿคท‍♂️๐Ÿคท‍♂️

Gordon Ramsay must be shitting himself

Barry refreshing to see someone express themselves the way you do! Imagination, creativity your personality on a plate! Very well done! X

You know what REALLY upsets me about this?! That stray frigging bean in the middle of the mash!! Dafuq you doing man??

And on tomorrow's episode of "Cooking with Wartime Rations" it's powdered egg and tripe!

I’d rather eat a Big Issue seller’s earwax

Throw that in the bin, season the plate and I’ll eat that instead.

I'm assuming you're single Barry

How long is your sentence?


Monday, January 24, 2022


“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.”

- Dave Barry


Monday smile . . . 
Stick on googly eyes can be purchased and stuck on a multitude of inanimate objects, with very funny results . . .