Bytes

Friday, November 16, 2018

Funny Friday

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The countdown to Christmas continues, the remaining Fridays lessen in number but the laughs (hopefully) continue . . .

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Quickies:

Got pulled up by the police, the cop said "That sign clearly says ‘No u turns’, and that applies to you, mate.”

I said "Sorry, I didn't do a u turn.”

He said "I saw you do it!”

I said "No, you saw me do an n turn. I would have to be in reverse to do a u turn.”

Went round to see my mate "Eternal Flame” Steve last night.

We call him that because he has agoraphobia and never goes out .

My wife left me, leaving me a note:

“I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted.”

Well, I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic.

And I can’t help having big toes.

To the person who came up with the concept of zero.

Thanks for nothing.

I went to the doctor’s today and he said I was paranoid...

...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew what he was thinking!

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Some longer ones:

A different version of an old Sherlock Holmes/Dr Watson joke:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."

And whilst on the topic of the Lone Ranger and Tonto . . .

The Lone Ranger happens upon Tonto with his ear pressed to the ground.

"Wagon train, ten maybe twelve horses" says Tonto.

"Come from east / south east, heading west.”

The Lone Range joins Tonto on the ground to listen for himself.

Tonto continues - "One rider has red shirt and blue bandana..."

The Lone Ranger asks "How in the heck do you know that?"

"Run over me ten minutes ago," says Tonto.

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie.

Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"

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Gallery:

The first two are friom Leo. Thanks, Leo . . .

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Corn Corner:

When old age caught right up close to me

(Diddla ah dah dah dah dah da dum)

That's when I got the aches all over me

(Diddla ah dah dah dah dah da dum)

(Dah!)

Shingles down my backbone.

Sciatica in my knee bone.

Fractures down my thigh bone.

(Dah!)

Achin' all over.

I’ve got my first kick boxing class tonight.

Hopefully I’ll be able to quit boxing for good this time.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

A noble aristocrat was captured during the French Revolution. The captors said “Tell us the names of the people you are hiding!” “I won’t say a word” says the aristocrat. They place his head in the guillotine. “Talk to me or die!” “I will not!” he replies. They then draw the blade to the top of the guillotine. “Last chance to talk!” “Never!” cries the Count. Then, just as they release the blade, the Count screams “Wait! Wait! I’ll talk!.” But alas, it was too late.

Moral of the story: Never hatchet your Counts before they chicken.”

Thursday, November 15, 2018

Thought for the Day

A Presidential Moment

Back on 31 January this year I posted the following story about Abraham Lincoln:

In 1984 author Gore Vidal published Lincoln: A Novel, a historical novel that is part of the Narratives of Empire series. Set during the American Civil War, the novel describes the presidency of Abraham Lincoln through the eyes of several historical figures, including presidential secretary John Hay, First Lady Mary Todd Lincoln, Secretary of State William H. Seward, Secretary of the Treasury Salmon Chase, his daughter Kate Chase, U.S. Representative Elihu B. Washburne, and conspirators John Wilkes Booth and David Herold. The novel's emphasis is on the president's political and personal struggles, and not the battles of the Civil War. Though Lincoln is the focus, the book is never narrated from his point of view (with the exception of several paragraphs describing a dream Lincoln had shortly before his death). Vidal's portrait is drawn from contemporary diaries, memoirs, letters, newspaper accounts, and the biographical writings of Hay and John Nicolay, Lincoln's secretaries; and is buttressed by the work of both 19th- and 20th-century historians. Although written as a novel, historians acknowledge that the novel has been exceptionally researched.

The novel contains a passage that is poignant, moving and a suitable inclusion in this continuing series of greatest replies and responses.

Scene:

Before the battle of Gettysburg Lincoln went to the front and passed a large tent that was a facility for Confederate wounded. Over the protests of security, Lincoln insisted on entering the tent of unpleasant sights, smells and sounds to see the young wounded Southern soldiers, any one of whom would no doubt have liked the opportunity to kill him.

Extract:

When the colonel started to call the men to attention, the President stopped him with a gesture. Then Lincoln walked the length of the room, very slowly, looking to left and right, with his dreamy smile. At the end of the room, he turned and faced the wounded men; then, slowly, he removed his hat. All eyes that could see now saw him, and recognised him.

When Lincoln spoke, the famous trumpet-voice was muted; even intimate. ‘I am Abraham Lincoln.’ There was a long collective sigh of wonder and of tension and of…..? Washburne [a Congressman and friend] had never heard a sound quite like it. ‘I know that you have fought gallantly for what you believe in, and for that I honour you, and for your wounds so honourably gained. I feel no anger in my heart toward you; and trust you feel none for me. That is why I am here. That is why I am willing to take the hand, in friendship, of any man among you.’

The same long sigh, like a rising wind, began, and still no one spoke. Then a man on crutches approached the President and, in perfect silence, shook his hand. Others came forward, one by one; and each took Lincoln’s hand; and to each he murmured something that the man alone could hear.

At the end, as Lincoln made his way between the beds, stopping to talk to those who could not move, half of the men were in tears, as was Washburne himself.

In the last bed by the door, a young officer turned his back on the President, who touched his shoulder and murmured, ‘My son, we shall all be the same at the end.’ Then the President was gone.

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A few days ago I came across a related item, a newspaper account of Lincoln’s visit to the confederate hospital. I admit to feeling moved . . .

Source:

https://civilwarbookofdays.org/2012/09/28/lincolns-poignant-visit-to-confederate-wounded/

Lincoln’s Poignant Visit to Confederate Wounded

October 4, 1862. Lincoln spent most of the first week of October with the Army of the Potomac in Maryland. In the morning of October 4, he visited wounded soldiers near Antietam. A Baltimore newspaper reported on his visit to wounded Confederate soldiers:

Passing through one of the hospitals devoted exclusively to Confederate sick and wounded, President Lincoln’s attention was drawn to a young Georgian — a fine noble looking youth — stretched upon a humble cot. He was pale, emaciated and anxious, far from kindred and home, vibrating, as it were, between life and death. Every stranger that entered [was] caught in his restless eyes, in hope of their being some relative or friend. President Lincoln observed this youthful soldier, approached and spoke, asking him if he suffered much pain. ‘I do,’ was the reply. ‘I have lost a leg, and feel I am sinking from exhaustion.’ ‘Would you,’ said Mr. Lincoln, ‘shake hands with me if I were to tell you who I am?’ The response was affirmative. ‘There should,’ remarked the young Georgian, ‘be no enemies in this place.’ Then said the distinguished visitor, ‘I am Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States.’ The young sufferer raised his head, looking amazed, and freely extended his hand, which Mr. Lincoln took and pressed tenderly for some time.