Friday, June 22, 2018
Something different for today’s Funny Friday . . . a couple of longer items, the first being a short story that I recall I posted some years ago and that I came across again yesterday.
One of the items has risqué language so proceed at yown risk.
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!
I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number
still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in
my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his
voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro, completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the
phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely, saying "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now , jerk!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front.
Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked o be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"
In the jungle, a group of explorers hear distant drumming. Their native bearers suddenly seem very afraid. The expedition's leader asks them, "What's going on?" A native bearer replies, "Very bad when drumming stops." So the leader asks, "Why, what happens then?" The bearer explains, "Bass solo starts."
The Lone Ranger and his mate Tonto were being chased by Indians when they just managed to get in to the Alamo. Custer came out of his office and shouted to the Lone Ranger " How many Indians are there?” "I don't know, I wasn't counting," he replies.
"Tonto, how many Indians were there, mate?” Tonto puts his ear to the ground and says "100, kemosabe.” “There's a hundred," shouts the Lone Ranger to Custer.
"Are they all on horseback?" replies Custer. Fuck me, thinks the Lone Ranger to himself. "Tonto, mate" say's the Lone Ranger... "Are they all on horseback?” Tonto rolls his eyes but gets his ear to the ground again and says "There's 70 on horseback and rest are on foot kemosabe." "There's 70 on horseback and the rest are on foot" shouts the Lone Ranger to Custer.
"Have they all got guns?" say's Custer. Jesus fucking wept, curses the Lone Ranger under his breath, "Tonto... Have they all got guns, pal?” Tonto is pissed off by this time but once again places an ear to the ground and replies “There's sixty with guns and the rest have bows and arrows." The Lone Ranger shouts over to Custer "There's sixty with guns, the rest have bows and arrows."
Custer takes a moment’s reflection, then shouts down to the Lone Ranger “He's a clever fucker, your mate, ain't he?” "Fuck off you dopey twat," replies The Lone Ranger.... "He's looking under the gate."
Farted on the bus and 14 people turned around.
I felt like I was on The Voice.
You Know It's Going to Be A Bad Day When:
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a "60 Minutes News Team" waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6 Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
7. You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
8. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
9. You woke up to discover that your waterbed broke and then you realise that you don’t have a waterbed.
10. Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.
My Dad said you should always be up front with everyone.
Great bloke, shit goalkeeper!
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
So I’m at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
A fellow from Barnsley suffering from piles goes to the local chemist and says " 'ere lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
The chemist says "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
William Shatner from a Just for Laughs appearance in a parody of the popular Molson "I Am Canadian" commercials (21 July 2007):
I'm not a Starfleet commander, or T. J. Hooker. I don't live on Starship NCC-170, or own a phaser. I don't know anybody named Bones, Sulu, or Spock , and no, I've never had green alien sex, but I'm sure it'd be quite an evening. I speak English and French, not Klingon! I drink Labatt's, not Romulan Ale! And when someone says to me 'Live long and prosper', I seriously mean it when I say, 'Get a life'. My doctor's name is not McCoy, it's Ginsberg. And tribbles were puppets, not real animals. PUPPETS! And when I speak, I never, ever talk like Every. Word. Is. Its. Own. Sentence. I live in California, but I was raised in Montreal. And I believe in Priceline.com, where you never have to pay full price for airline tickets, hotels, and car rentals! I've appeared on stage at Stratford, at Carnegie Hall, Albert Hall, and the Monkland Theatre in NDG. And, yes, I've gone where no man has gone before, but... I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission! My name is William Shatner, and I am Canadian!
Words that have different meanings to men and women:
Communication -- n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
Vulnerable -- adj.
Female: Fully opening one's self emotionally to another person.
Male: Playing football without adequate protection.
Commitment -- n.
Female: A desire to marry and raise a family.
Male: Not hitting on other women while out with this one.
Entertainment -- n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
Thingy -- n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
Remote control -- n.
Female: A device for changing one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every five minutes.
Flatulence -- n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
From John P:
TEXT MESSAGE TO NEIGHBOUR:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.
I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this.
The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse.
The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out and noticed that the Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh?
It’ll be the death of us all.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
When the magic wears off #1. . .
Sue Goss divorced her billionaire husband Bill Goss in October last year after 21 years of marriage. As part of the divorce settlement hubby had to hand over the keys to the $20m former matrimonial home in Laguna Beach, California, but he was not a happy chappy. Last week Mrs Goss went to court seeking a restraining order against the ex, alleging that he had handed over the house in less than pristine condition. In particular she alleged that:
- her ex sprayed noxious scents around the house, saying she found 'fart' and 'puke' sprays in the garbage;
- the houseplants smelled foul and had to be replaced;
- the carpets were stained;
- a one of a kind art installation piece had been dismantled and removed;
- the remote controls for the televisions, drapes and other technology were all missing;
- there was water damage throughout the house;
- there were balls of human hair in the drawers;
- she found dead fish and dirt stuffed into the air vents.
She was granted her restraining order.
When the magic wears off #2 . . .
The above news item reminds me of the following story, which snopes.com categorises as an urban legend, see:
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......including the curtain rods.
Javier and the Road Trip:
As readers will be aware from yesterday’s post, there is a soccer comp on at the moment called the World Cup. Over in Mexico, after the 2014 World Cup finished, 5 mates came up with an idea usually seen as a movie plot: they decided they would make a road trip in 2018 to watch the World Cup being played in Russia. But 5 had to be reduced to 4 when one of the group, Javier, was prevented from going by his spouse. His mates didn’t forget him though, they took along a life size cardboard cutout of Javier, with his T shirt bearing the words “My wife didn’t let me go.” (Some readers have pointed out that the shirt reads “My old lady wouldn’t let me go” and that the lady in question is Javier’s girlfriend). It is going everywhere with them and is generously displayed.
I received an email from Steve M yesterday:
You are busy I know, Otto, but the World Cup football finals are on in Russia. If you can find time, can you please do a bytes sometime in the next week or so?
Now personally the World Cup is of only passing interest to me, unlike for instance the Tour de France which starts on 7 July and keeps me up for the next 3 weeks, although I admit that part of that fascination is looking at the gorgeous countryside and the behaviour of the spectators.
Nonetheless I appreciate that for many, the World Cup is a high point every 4 years so here are some facts and trivia . . .
The World Cup in 2018 marks the first time Russia has ever hosted this event.
The 2018 World Cup will be Russia’s 11th World Cup appearance. Their highest ever finish was 4th place in 1966.
3.2 billion people (almost half of the world’s population) tuned in to watch the 2014 World Cup.
The World Cup has been played 20 times, Brazil holds the most titles with five.
Italy and Germany are close behind with four each.
For the first time in the history of soccer, the 2002 World Cup was held in two different countries: South Korea and Japan.
The oldest goal scorer in the World Cup was Roger Milla, who was 42 in 1994 when he scored a goal for Cameroon against Russia.
It is rumoured that India withdrew from the 1950 tournament as they were not allowed to play barefoot. The Indian national team did play barefoot and FIFA did ask that shoes be worn to maintain the dignity of the World Cup but there may be an additional reason. According to India’s ‘Sports Illustrated’ magazine, the All India Football Federation (AIFF) announced that the team would not attend the World Cup, citing “disagreements over team selection, and insufficient practice time.”
One of the venues for the 2018 World Cup, Fisht Stadium in Sochi, is the same stadium that hosted the opening and closing ceremonies at the 2014 Winter Games.
The first World Cup was played in 1930. Uruguay was both the tournament host and winner that year.
I have to admit that I can't read or hear this country's name without thinking of Homer Simpson's misidentification:
The World Cup trophy went missing for 7 days in 1966, when it was stolen just prior to the tournament.
Dave Corbett at the National Football Museum with the Jules Rimet Trophy, which his dog Pickles found behind a bush whilst out on a walk.
Dave Corbett with his family and Pickles in the 1960s
The distance between the easternmost host city (Ekaterinburg) and the westernmost host city (Kaliningrad) at the 2018 World Cup is over 1500 miles. For comparison, that’s about the same distance as Moscow to London.
The average attendance per game at the 2014 World Cup was over 53,000 fans.
Belgium vs Korea Republic - Group H - 2014 FIFA World Cup, Brazil.
The highest scoring game in World Cup history was in 1954, when Austria defeated Switzerland 7-5.
24 June 1954 Austria Switzerland
The Italians have had the most number of draws in World Cup history with 21.
Of all countries that have appeared in the World Cup, Indonesia has played the least number of matches – just one in 1938.
Mexico has the most World Cup losses (25), though they do also have 14 wins and 14 draws.
While 32 teams will qualify for the 2018 tournament, the number will jump to 48 in 2026.
The most goals ever scored by one player in a World Cup match is an impressive five, by Oleg Salenko of Russia.
The World Cup winning country is rumoured to see a baby boom 9 months after the World Cup. In fact, Hyundai even created a commercial based on this fact.
The winner of the World Cup takes home a $35 million dollars. FIFA awards the runner-up $25 million. Every team that participates takes home a multi-million dollar check. Just competing in group play secures your team $8 million dollars.
In the 2002 World Cup, Turkey’s Hakan Sukur scored a goal in just 11 seconds. The goal helped the Turks defeat South Korea 3:2 and finish the tournament in 3rd place. At an unbelievable 11 seconds, Sukur holds the record for fastest goal scored in a World Cup match.
Hakan Sukur of Galatasaray celebrates with the trophy after beating Arsenal in the UEFA Cup Final
Uruguayan defender Jose Batista holds the record of the fastest red card in World Cup History. He was sent off just 56 seconds into the 1986 match after he committed a high studded slide tackle to the back of the legs of Scottish midfielder Gordon Strachan. Even with over 89 minutes of playing a man down, Uruguay was able to hold on and tie the match at 0:0.
So there you are, Steve.
Now for the Tour de France.
Monday, June 18, 2018
From the website for the Silo Art Trail at:
The Silo Art Trail is Australia’s largest outdoor gallery. The trail stretches over 200 kilometres, linking Brim with neighbouring towns Lascelles, Patchewollock, Rosebery, Rupanyup and Sheep Hills.Providing an insight into the true spirit of the Wimmera Mallee, the trail recognises and celebrates the region’s people through a series of large-scale mural portraits painted onto grain silos, many of which date back to the 1930s.The project saw a team of renowned artists from Australia and across the world visit the region, meet the locals and transform each grain silo into an epic work of art; each one telling a unique story about the host town.The Silo Art Trail was conceived in 2016 after the success of the first silo artwork in Brim. What started as a small community project by the Brim Active Community Group, GrainCorp, Juddy Roller and artist, Guido van Helten resulted in widespread international media attention and an influx of visitors to the region and the idea for a trail was born.The Silo Art Trail was created as a partnership between Yarriambiack Shire Council, international street art agency Juddy Roller, Victorian Government, Australian Government and GrainCorp, who donated the silos as canvases for the artists’ work.
Located in the small rural town of Brim located on bthe Henty Highway, Guido van Helten’s famous ‘Farmer Quartet’ mural stretches out across all four of the Brim silos. It was painted in 2015 as a tribute to the drought-stricken farming community. Created in van Helten’s famous monochromatic photo-realistic style, the mural instantly became a regional landmark and provided the inspiration for The Silo Art Trail project.
Sheep Hills Silos:
Completed in December 2016 by internationally renowned artist Adnate, famous for his work with Aboriginal communities across Australia, the mural is spread across all six silos. It consists of four indigenous faces watching over the tiny community of Sheep Hills; with a starry background that has a symbolic significance to the local people.
The monochrome mural created by Russian artist Julia Volchkova on the huge metal grain storage bins at Rupanyup was inspired by the local Rupanyup Panthers Football & Netball Club. Known the world over for her moving portraits, Volchkova is actively involved in the global street art movement, and her work can be found in Russia, Indonesia, Malaysia and now Australia.
The giant silver-painted steel bin grain silos feature two local residents, both members of the local Rupanyup Football and Netball Club. Jordan Weidemann, a 16-year-old football player, was at training one night "kicking around with the boys" when he was selected by the artist. The student said although some people joked that he was the "face of the silo", his family and friends were very pleased, especially his nanna. "She is loving it, which is good," Jordan said. The other face is of 25-year-old naturopath Ebony Baker, who was selected as she was about to jump onto the netball court during training. With a long family history in the farming area, she said she was extremely proud to represent her community.
The mural on the silos at Patchewollock – population 250 – and marvel at the work of Brisbane-based street artist Fintan Magee, sometimes referred to as ‘Australia’s Banksy’. Painted over a couple of weeks in October 2016, the giant mural depicts local sheep and grain farmer, Nick ‘Noodle’ Hulland, chosen for his ‘classic farmer looks’ and his strong connection to the farming community.
The tiny town of Lascelles in the Silo Art Trail displays the artwork of celebrated Melbourne artist Tyrone 'Rone' Wright. Rone turns his intimate portraiture to giant grain silos, depicting local wheat farmers Geoff and Merrilyn Horman looking out over the rural landscape. An influential figure in the Melbourne street art scene, Rone has works in major Australian galleries and murals in cities all over the world.
Before commencing work in Rosebery, Melbourne artist, Kaff-eine spent time in the Mallee assisting fellow artist Rone on his Lascelles silo project. During this time, Kaff-eine travelled to neighbouring towns, discovering the natural environment and acquainting herself with local business owners, families, farmers and children – all with the view to developing a concept for these GrainCorp silos which date back to 1939.
Completed in late 2017, Kaff-eine’s artwork depicts themes that she says embody the region’s past, present and future.
The silo on the left captures the grit, tenacity and character of the region’s young female farmers, who regularly face drought, fires and other hardships living and working in the Mallee. In her work shirt, jeans and turned-down cowboy boots, the strong young female sheep farmer symbolises the future.
The silo on the right portrays a quiet moment between dear friends. The contemporary horseman appears in Akubra hat, Bogs boots and oilskin vest – common attire for Mallee farmers. Both man and horse are relaxed and facing downward, indicating their mutual trust, love and genuine connection.
The new 30-metre high artwork at Kimba in South Australia was done by Melbourne artist Cam Scale and features a colourful depiction of a Kimba sunset, its wheat fields and a young girl.
Not part of the Silo Art Trail but worth looking at anyway.
Australia's largest and arguably most complex mural has recently been finished by artist Guido van Helten at Coonalpyn in South Australia, who painted five Coonalpyn Primary School children. "In a lot of small towns, people really want to focus on the past and history of the town or the industry," van Helten said. "All those themes I really wanted to avoid." He said the children represented the future of the town, and he hoped the giant art work might inspire those children and others "to a path through creative industries". It was the first time he had painted on silos that were still operable.
An increased number of the cars passing through the are town stopping and spending their money there. "The stopping rate is 40 per hour and we're getting lots of great feedback from the businesses because everyone is benefitting," Ms Traeger, the project manager, said. In a main street peppered with closed shops, two new businesses have opened on the back of the increased trade — a cafe and a grocery store. National company Oliver's Real Food is scheduled to open a store in August.