Saturday, April 18, 2015

Quote for the Day


“The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.”
-Oscar Wilde (author, playwright, 1854-1900)

Also:

“I am not young enough to know everything.” 
Oscar Wilde


Variations:

Old enough to know better, too young to care
- Whitley Streiber 




 

Johnson and his Johnson

 Caution: risque content



“Lyndon Johnson was indeed …. a being of Shakespearean dimensions—a hulking, bush-country colossus, gargantuan of ego and energy, of self-delusions and glooms and paranoias, crass cruelties and rampant vulgarities, but gargantuan also in his benevolent ambitions. 
He early became fabled for a Rabelaisian earthiness, urinating in the parking lot of the House Office Building as the urge took him; if a colleague came into a Capitol bathroom as he was finishing at the urinal there, he would sometimes swing around still holding his member, which he liked to call “Jumbo,” hooting once, “Have you ever seen anything as big as this?,” and shaking it in almost a brandishing manner as he began discoursing about some pending legislation. At the same time, he would oblige aides to take dictation standing in the door of his office bathroom while he went about emptying his bowels, as if in some alpha-male ritual assertion of his primacy. Even on the floors of the House and Senate, he would extravagantly rummage away at his groin, sometimes reaching his hand through a pocket and leaning with half-lifted leg for more thorough access.”  
- From Marshall Farady’s review of Robert Caro’s 2002 political biography, Master Of The Senate: The Years of Lyndon Johnson.

The above extract is by way of introduction to a recording of President Lyndon Baines Johnson ordering pants by telephone in 1964 from Joe Haggar of the Haggar Clothing Company. Whether it be Johnson belching during the conversation, asking for more room in the crotch area “where the nuts hang” or referring to his “bunghole”, it is all classic Johnson.

I can relate to Johnson’s grievance about needing more room where the nuts hang, I have had a similar problem since my teens. Nahhh, just joking.

Listen to it by clicking on the following link:


Here is a transcript: 

President Johnson orders pants from Joe Haggar. 
Aug. 9, 1964

Operator: Go ahead sir 

LBJ: Mr. Haggar? 

JH: Yes this is Joe Haggar 

LBJ: Joe, is your father the one that makes clothes? 

JH: Yes sir - we're all together 

LBJ: Uh huh. You all made me some real lightweight slacks, uh, that he just made up on his own and sent to me 3 or 4 months ago. There's a light brown and a light green, a rather soft green, a soft brown. 

JH: Yes sir 

LBJ: and they're real lightweight now and I need about six pairs for summer wear. 

JH: yes sir 

LBJ: I want a couple, maybe three of the light brown kind of a almost powder color like a powder on a ladies face. Then they were some green and some light pair, if you had a blue in that or a black, then I'd have one blue and one black. I need about six pairs to wear around in the evening when I come in from work 

JH: yes sir 

LBJ: I need...they're about a half a inch too tight in the waist. 

JH: Do you recall sir the exact size, I just want to make sure we get them right for you 

LBJ: No, I don't know - you all just guessed at 'em I think, some - wouldn't you the measurement there? 

JH: we can find it for you 

LBJ: well I can send you a pair. I want them half a inch larger in the waist than they were before except I want two or three inches of stuff left back in there so I can take them up. I vary ten or 15 pounds a month. 

JH: alright sir 

LBJ: So leave me at least two and a half, three inches in the back where I can let them out or take them up. And make these a half an inch bigger in the waist. And make the pockets at least an inch longer, my money, my knife, everything falls out - wait just a minute. 

Operator: Would you hold on a minute please? 

[conversation on hold for two minutes] 

LBJ: Now the pockets, when you sit down, everything falls out, your money, your knife, everything, so I need at least another inch in the pockets. And another thing - the crotch, down where your nuts hang - is always a little too tight, so when you make them up, give me an inch that I can let out there, uh because they cut me, it's just like riding a wire fence. These are almost, these are the best I've had anywhere in the United States, 

JH: Fine 

LBJ: But, uh when I gain a little weight they cut me under there. So, leave me , you never do have much of margin there. See if you can't leave me an inch from where the zipper (burps) ends, round, under my, back to my bunghole, so I can let it out there if I need to. 

JH: Right 

LBJ: Now be sure you have the best zippers in them. These are good that I have. If you get those to me I would sure be grateful 

JH: Fine, Now where would you like them sent please? 

LBJ: White House. 

JH: Fine 

LBJ: Now, uh, I don't guess there is any chance of getting a very lightweight shirt, sport shirt to go with that slack, is there? That same color? 

JH: We don't make them, but we can have them made up for you. 

LBJ: If you might look around, I wear about a 17, extra long. 

JH: Would you like in the same fabric? 

LBJ: Yeah I sure would, I don't know whether that's too heavy for a shirt. 

JH: I think it'd be too heavy for a shirt. 

LBJ: I sure want the lightest I can, in the same color or matching it. If you don't mind, find me somebody up there who makes good shirts and make a shirt to match each one of them and if they're good, we'll order some more. 

JH: Fine 

LBJ: I just sure will appreciate this, I need it more than anything. And uh, now that's a..about it. I guess I could get a jacket made outta that if I wanted to, couldn't I? 

JH: I think that - didn't Sam Haggar have some jackets made? 

LBJ: Yeah you sent me some jackets some earlier, but they were way too short. They hit me about halfway down my belly. I have a much longer waist. But I thought if they had material like that and somebody could make me a jacket, I'd sent them a sample to copy from. 

JH: Well I tell you what, you send us this, we'll find someone to make it 

LBJ: - ok 

JH: We'll supply the material to match it 

LBJ: Ok, I'll do that. Uh now, how do I - can you give this boy the address because I'm running to a funeral and give this boy the address to where we can send the trousers - don't worry, you'll get the measurements out of them and add a half an inch to the back and an give us couple of an inch to the pockets and a inch underneath to we can let them out. 

JH: What you 'd like is a little more stride in the crotch 

LBJ: Yeah that's right. What I'd like is to give me a half a inch more then leave me some more. Ok here he is.

JH: Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the others

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President Johnson shows his scar after gall bladder surgery, 1965

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Next week: Why do men's privates have names such as Johnson?


Friday, April 17, 2015

Quote for the Day



Funny Friday


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How to speak New Zealand

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast 

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For son Thomas, who will be leaving my office next week to commence life as a barrister (not saying that I agree with the comments expressed) . . . 

What’s the difference between God and a Barrister? God doesn’t think He’s a barrister.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a broken watch? Neither of them work – but the watch is right twice a day.

How many barristers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

What happens to a barrister when he takes viagra? He gets taller.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a duck? Once in a while the duck will stick its bill up its arse.

Barrister chat up line? ‘I’m a barrister. I’m trained to get you off’.

Why did the barrister cross the road? To sue the chicken.

How do you get 100 barristers in a Mini? You make 1 a High Court Judge and the other 99 will crawl up his arse.

What do you get when you cross a barrister with a demon from hell? A barrister.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What’s the difference between a cat and a barrister? One is an arrogant creature which will utterly ignore you unless you can do something for it. The other is a pet.

On holiday with their respective families Joe meets Max who he hasn’t seen for years. ‘What are you doing with yourself these days’ he asks. ‘I’m a barrister’ whispers Max, ‘but don’t tell my wife. She thinks I’m still a pimp’.

A pupil was sent to a far-away town to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After 3 days he won the case and the client was acquitted. Excited about his success, the pupil texted his pupilmaster “Justice prevailed.” The pupilmaster replied in haste: “Lodge an appeal immediately.”

A London silk goes shooting in Yorkshire and kills a pheasant, which falls into a field on the other side of a fence. As he climbs the fence, an elderly gentleman asks him what he’s doing. The silk responds, “I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.” The old farmer replies, “This is my property, and tha’s not coming in.” The indignant silk says, “I am in Chamber’s Guide and the Legal 500. If you don’t let me get the pheasant, I’ll sue you!” The farmer smiles and says, “Tha’ don’t know how we do things ‘ere in Yorkshire. We settle disagreements like this wit’ Three-Kick Rule.” The silk asks, “What’s that?” The farmer replies “Fust I kick thee three times, then tha kicks me three times, and so on, back and forth, until one of us gives up.” The silk quickly decides that he can easily take the old farmer and agrees. The farmer slowly walks up to the silk. His first kick plants his heavy work boot into the silk’s groin and drops him to his knees. His second kick nearly wipes the man’s nose off his face. The silk is flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly causes him to give up. But he summons every bit of his will power and manages to get to his feet and say, “Okay, you old bastard, now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiles and says, “Nay lad, I give up. Tha can have pheasant.”

* * * * * * * *
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Corn Corner:


Okay, one more, a repost . . .

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


Thursday, April 16, 2015

Quote for the Day

When a jockey retires he becomes just another little man.

- Eddy Arcaro, former champion US jockey


It has been noted that most countries today have female jockeys and that many have had considerable success. Julie Krone (below), for instance, rode over 3,700 winners in the US before retiring in 1999. 



 Accordingly the "little man" tag above would have been better as 

When a jockey retires they become just another little person.


Love Thy Neighbour

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The following report is from online news source news.com, today:


HOME owners who were denied permission to knock down their townhouse in an exclusive London suburb have given a very British middle finger to their critics.  
The two-storey Kensington townhouse was painted in “garish” red-and-white candy stripes after an application to demolish and rebuild was turned down by the local council, Sky News reported. 
Neighbours were infuriated by the move — which does not require permission from the council — describing the paint job as “garish”, “horrendous” and a “tacky monstrosity”. 
Refusing to accept the stripy stain on the local landscape, a group of homeowners are now appealing to the High Court to have the property repainted. 
18-year-old Saskia Moyle, who lives opposite the house with her father, told Sky News she interrupted the painters in the middle of the act, who left with one stripe unfinished. 
“I don’t think it belongs here. It kind of glows in the evening. It’s fluorescent. And the half-finished stripe is driving me mad. It drives me insane,” she said. 
“It’s very fluorescent and very garish. Without sounding very pretentious it isn’t very Kensington. It’s more Camden or something like that.” 
Another neighbour described it as “horrendous”. “It’s between unbelievably hideous and very funny. I think it’s horrendous,” she said. 
“It’s funny but it’s probably not the nicest gesture. It’s kind of a ‘piss off’ I think. Architecturally it doesn’t belong here. It is pretty hideous. Clearly we don’t have enough billionaires in the area — we need more.”

Some more pics:

The house prior to painting, centre.

The unfinished stripe is behind the lampost on the right.

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Some more of giving the neighbours the finger:

Mark Easton protested to the Council in Utah that the new house next door was 30 cm higher than permitted and was interfering with his views of the desert. Owner builder Darren Wood, annoyed at what he felt was part of continual complaints and harassment installed what he called a cactus scene on the vent in the roof:

Mark Easton looks at the cactii


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Alan Markovitz moved in to a home in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, next door to his ex-wife. She was living in the house with the man with whom she had had an affair whilst married to Markovitz. After Markovitz bought the next door house he erected a bronze statue in her -- and her new boyfriend's -- honour:


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Warwickshire Police told creator Richard Jackson his cheeky garden humour must be altered as it is considered a public offence.


In response, neighbours in Tamworth, Staffordshire, have started a Save the Bush campaign.

According to Jackson:

‘I carved the bush into a middle finger eight years ago and there has only ever been one complaint about it, made recently. I was contacted by the police and they said the council had been in touch because somebody had complained to them about it. Apparently, one person was offended by it and the police said it was a public order offence. I don’t intend to change it though – I’m not a trouble maker and I don’t want to offend anyone but at the same time, it’s been here for eight years and I don’t see why I should have anybody telling me what to change in my garden. If everybody else likes it and there’s only one complaint in eight years then I don’t think it is a public offence, as the majority aren’t offended. I don’t think the policeman wanted to be here as much as I wanted him here, but he did ask me if I could make alterations to it – but I won’t.’

Warwickshire Police said if they receive a direct complaint about the hedge they would deal with it proportionately.

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After a decade of being friendly neighbours, Anne Downing, 47, and John Corcoran, 81, fell out. Tit for tat descended into signs and other expressions of iopinion. Downing says she was feeling fed up and “hopeless” about the ongoing feud when she decided to erect a sign with three arrows in her yard. “The Fockers” one said, the ‘O’ not entirely closed. “Nosy Twats” said another. Both arrows pointed to Corcoran’s property. A third arrow, pointing to Downing’s place, read “5 Star Neighbours.” “This is total harassment,” Corcoran said of the sign. Police referred them to mediators.

John Corcoran next to Downing's signs



Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Quote for the Day: Albert Einstein



Hillary: Words and Pics

_______________

"Ending two years of speculation and coy denials, Hillary Rodham Clinton announced on Sunday that she would seek the presidency for a second time, immediately establishing herself as the likely 2016 Democratic nominee."

- N Y Times news report

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Young Hillary:









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Some Hillary quotes:









Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Quote for the Day: Anonymous


"It's useless. It's too late. They're in the Fuhrerbunker now, with the Alsatians. There's no talking to them." 

Anonymous Labor parliamentarian in the last days of the Gillard Government.
Quoted by Annabel Crabb at 



Trivia Tuesday

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Starbucks was originally to be called Pequod by cofounder Gordon Bowker, after the whaling ship in the Herman Melville novel Moby-Dick. The name was rejected after one of Bowker’s partners complained “No one’s going to drink a cup of Pee-Quod!” The new name was Starbucks, after the first mate aboard the Pequod.

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Moby-Dick (the book has a hyphen in the name) is based on an albino sperm whale that lived in the waters off the Chilean island of Mocha. Known as Mocha Dick, he reportedly survived over 100 attempts to kill him and had more than 20 harpoons in his back. He was finally killed in 1838 after coming to the aid of a distraught cow whose calf had been killed by whalers.

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Since 11991 there have been regular sightings in Australian waters of an albino whale named Migalo (pictured above), the only known all-white humpback whale. The word “Migaloo” means “white fella” in indigenous Australian.

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Australia’s language contains around 400 words in common usage which come from 80 different Aboriginal languages. Most of these words are used to describe flora and fauna, with a survey of newspapers in July 2007 finding that the most common Aboriginal word is ‘kangaroo’, followed by ‘wallaby’ (which might be influenced by the rugby team of the same name), ‘waratah’ (also a rugby team), ‘koala’, ‘billabong’, ‘kookaburra’, ‘dingo’ and ‘wombat’. All of these words come from a language spoken in the area of Sydney and surrounds where they were adopted early on in Australia’s history. The uniform spelling was established in the 1830s.