Friday, December 13, 2019
Oops, wrong holly . . .
. . . still the wrong one . . .
. . . that's the one!
Everyone is aware that . . .
No doubt things are becoming more hectic and stressful so take a moment to have a coffee and read the items in Funny Friday, guaranteed to raise a smile or your money back.
A Christmas theme to some of the items but be warned, there is also risque content ahead.
SOME HUMOUR . . .
When I was six, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my Dad.
Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"
"No you sicko - I was thinking in front of the window in the den."
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!"
The Frenchmen responds "No, no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!"
The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs." The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"
A blind man went to a restaurant. "Menu, sir?" asked the owner.
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order." The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath.
"Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables"
"Unbelievable!" thought the owner. The blind man ate and left.
Two weeks later, the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to see how good his sense of smell was, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking. He said, "Do me a favour and rub this fork over your privates”, which she does. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork.
The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says, "Oh interesting, I never knew Brenda worked here."
FROM THE VAULT . . .
A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he's ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high. So, he sits down next to him and asks, "How is that you have such a small head?" The man replies, "Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes. My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home." The man continues, "A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home." The man goes on, "After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, 'How about a little head?'"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
There was a young girl of La Plata
Who was widely renowned as a farter.
Her deafening reports
At the Argentine sports
Made her much in demand as a starter.
My Christmas advice:
Forget the past, you can't change it.
Forget the present, because I didn't get you one.
So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Why was the smoker disappointed on Christmas?
Because he got clothes but no cigar.
Tampax have announced they will be removing the string from the tampon and replacing it with tinsel!
This will be for the Christmas period only.
Thursday, December 12, 2019
A contribution from Leo M . . . thanks Leo.
It snowed last night, so...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from the media showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
“What a morning...”
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...
If you think this is extreme, it would never happen in real life, I came across a news item from 2018 that there are moves in the UK to get rid of the term “snowman” and replace it with “snowperson”. Apparently the thinking is that 'snowmen' should be called 'snowpeople' to promote gender equality. See:
In November 2018 the BBC was accused of 'indoctrinating' children with politically-correct language after a new show used the term 'snowpeople' instead of snowmen. Parents complained to the BBC after the gender-neutral term was used in children's programme Catie's Amazing Machines, where front person Catie Munnings said 'Snow is amazing. You get to build snowpeople and go sledging.'
It reminds me that someone once commented (tongue in cheek) that the word “person” is not gender-neutral because it finishes on the word “son”. It was suggested that “peroffspring” might be a better alternative.
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
A contribution from Peter B, thanks Peter . . .
They really do exist . . .
NUMBER ONE IDIOT, SO FAR IN 2019
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
NUMBER TWO IDIOT, SO FAR IN 2019
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
NUMBER THREE IDIOT, SO FAR IN 2019
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ...
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland.
Happened in Noosa!
NUMBER FOUR IDIOT, SO FAR IN 2019
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
NUMBER FIVE IDIOT, SO FAR IN 2019
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
NUMBER SIX IDIOT, SO FAR IN 2019
Seems this bloke wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.
The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass...
The whole event was caught on videotape..
Perth WA ...
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne ...
JUST AN IDIOT:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Chatswood is a major business and residential district in the Lower North Shore of Sydney, located 10 kilometres north of the Sydney central business district. It is the administrative centre of the local government area of the City of Willoughby.
Chatswood was named after Charlotte Harnett, wife of then Mayor of Willoughby and a pioneer of the district, Richard Harnett, who subdivided an estate and named it after his wife. His pet names for her were “Chattie” and “Chat”. The bushland areas of the estate was named “Chat’s Wood” so that when the post office was established in 1879 the council named the area “Chatswood” after Harnett’s estate, which was nearby.
In 1805 Governor King granted 200 acres to Isaac Nichols, who had been transported in 1791 for theft. Eventually he increased his holdings 900 acres. Nichols was the first postmaster in the colony and, despite his own convict background (or perhaps because of it) he was the principal superintendent of convicts from 1810 to 1814.
The railway station stands on the site of Nichols’ original land grant.
Residential settlement of Chatswood began in 1876 and grew with the installation of the North Shore railway line in 1890 and also increased with the opening of the Harbour Bridge in 1932.
Windsor Gardens, a heritage listed building at Chatswood, a former residence, reception venue and now retirement village. Windsor Gardens was built in 1888 by American journalist Frank Coffee, who arrived in Sydney in 1882 as a reporter for the New York Herald. It was originally named Iroquois after an American battleship visiting Sydney at the time.
4Hilton is a heritage-listed residence in Chatswood. It was constructed in 1903 and known as Broxbourne, later referred to as Hilton which was apparently named after the son of a more recent owner.
Wyckliffe, a heritage listed house built in c1903 in a mix of the Edwardian and Federation styles
The Great Northern Hotel, Chatswood, early 1900s.
The arrival of the first tram at Chatswood railway station on 24 July 1908.
Hill Brothers’ shop, Chatswood, 1904
Victoria Avenue West from the railway station looking towards the Pacific Highway on 14 July 1938.
The 1903 town hall decorated for the Royal Visit in 1954.
Chatswood post office in Victoria Avenue, circa 1900.
The official opening of the Chatswood fire station in 1900.
The first Catholic school was operating in the Our Lady of Dolours church when this photograph was taken in the early 1900s.
The Boer War Memorial at its original location adjacent to Chatswood Oval, circa 1910.
Tram in Victoria Avenue, Chatswood 1950s
Chatswood Railway Station, 1916
Chatswood Public School cadet, 1904
Monday, December 9, 2019
From the website Bright Side at:
The claw of a juvenile Crowned Eagle
These are fully inflated horse lungs.
In 1974, the mummy of Pharaoh Ramesses II was issued a valid Egyptian passport (nearly 3 millennia after his death), so that he could fly to Paris.
This is what noodles look like when it’s −60°C outside.
Yes, these are separately packed grapes.
You can find these types of sinks in Germany. They are for people who drank too much.
When the plane won’t fit
“Sink/stove/fridge combo in the tiny house I’m renting”
It’s the largest pumpkin grown in North America!
This carrot weighs 22 lbs.
Someone decided to throw away hundreds of buttons.
This bathroom sink is made of igneous rock from volcanic lava
47 years ago, the crew of Apollo 15 took this photo of the Earth from the moon.
This yogurt provides a list of all the cows whose milk was used to make it.
A globe for blind people
Street Art in Lancashire, UK
You can plant this pencil’s cap after you’ve used it and watch it grow into either tomato, coriander, or chili.
This self-checkout machine totals up your purchase, and you don’t even need to take your items out of the basket. Just put the entire basket in the bottom, pay, and then bag your stuff.