Friday, March 22, 2019
Funny Friday
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Fortunately my replacement laptop arrived, and was made operational, in time for Funny Friday. So have some laughs on the leadup to the weekend . . . and if you live in New South Wales, don't forget to vote this Saturday.
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ME: What’s the Wifi password?
BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first.
ME: I'll have a coke.
BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok?
ME: Sure...how much is that?
BARTENDER: $8.
ME: There you go, now what's the Wifi password?
BARMAN: You need to buy a drink first.no spaces and all lowercase.
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My mate’s wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open. Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.
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A guy gets a new dog and he can't wait to show him off to his neighbour. So when the neighbour comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart the critter is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open in classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!" Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his master, and says in a whiney voice, "Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so much. And that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible. And I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..."
The neighbour looks puzzled. "Oh", explains the dog owner, "he thought I said 'Kvetch!'"
(Kvetch: Yiddish, to whine or complain, often needlessly and incessantly.)
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Limerick of the week:
There was a young fellow named Boise
Who at times was exceedingly noisy;
So his friends’ joy increased
When he moved way back east
To what people in Brooklyn call Joisy.
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From the vault:
God decided he needed a vacation.
One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."
Another aide suggested Jupiter.
"No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."
A third adviser suggested Earth. "That's the worst of all," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."
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Gallery:
For the benefit of overseas readers, 17 year old Will Connolly broke an egg on the head of independent Fraser Anning after Anning said Muslim immigration contributed to the 50 deaths in the Christchurch massacres. Connolly has been dubbed Egg Boy and is a local hero.
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Corn Corner:
I went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Control freak. Now you say Control Freak Who?
Thursday, March 21, 2019
Dead Computers and Parrots
Good morning, readers, unless you are overseas, in which
case it may be good afternoon, I suppose.
I have been without a computer since Sunday night when my HP
laptop, less than 3 months old, refused to charge or hold a charge and ended up
as dead as the Monty Python parrot. It has ceased to be, expired and gone to
meet its maker. It is a laptop no more. It has rung down the curtain and joined
the choir invisible.
Fortunately HP replaced it but that left me with getting our
computer geek chappie to transfer all the data and restoring settings.
The above reference to Monty Python inspires me to revisit a
2013 post about the dead parrot sketch and Margaret Thatcher . . .
________________________
Dead Parrot and
Deceased Prime Minister
For those not familiar with Monty Python, this was a British
surreal comedy troupe consisting of Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gillam,
Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin. Their TV show, Monty Python's Flying
Circus, aired between 1969 and 1974, 45 episodes, four series.
The Dead Parrot Sketch, from the first season, is one of
their best known and most famous sketches. In it John Cleese plays Mr Praline,
a dissatisfied customer who has purchased a Norwegian Blue parrot from a
shopkeeper, played by Michael Palin. The owner of the store refuses to
acknowledge that the parrot is dead and offers a variety of explanations and
alternatives, causing Mr Praline to become more and more exasperated.
(The sketch was inspired by a used car salesman who wouldn't
acknowledge gross defects in a car sold by him).
See the sketch at:
The cast:
MR. PRALINE
John Cleese
SHOP OWNER
Michael Palin
The sketch:
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: (pause)I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make
a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain
about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very
boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian
Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad.
'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see
one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable
bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone
dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him
up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh
cuttle fish for you if you show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO
POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm
call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the
counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!
Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely
'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it
not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to
it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the
fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk
is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back!
Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that
parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been
sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't
nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart
with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't
"voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin'
demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is
no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a
stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch
'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's
off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN
EX-PARROT!!
Fast forward 21 years to 1990. Margaret Thatcher is Prime
Minister (her last year of office as PM) and she is addressing the Conservative
Party Conference.
One of her targets was the new logo of the Liberal
Democratic Party, adopted in 1989. The logo of a yellow bird in full flight is
called the Bird of Liberty:
For those not inclined to view, the text is as follows:
“..Now, that brings me to the Liberal Party.
I gather that during the last few days there have been some
ill-natured jokes about their new symbol, a bird of some kind, adopted by the
Liberal Democrats at Blackpool.
Politics is a serious business, and one should not lower the
tone unduly. So I will say only this of the Liberal Democrat symbol and of the
party it symbolises.
This is an ex-parrot.
It is not merely stunned. It has ceased to be, expired and
gone to meet its maker. It is a parrot no more. It has rung down the curtain
and joined the choir invisible. This is a late parrot.
And now for something completely different…”
Margaret Thatcher had to be persuaded by her advisor to use
the reference to the dead parrot, that the lines were funny and that they would
be recognised by the audience.
She famously pondered it for a long time backstage and was
shown the parrot sketch, repeatedly, until she could mimic John Cleese
perfectly.
Still undecided, she asked her advisor: “This Monty Python.
Is he one of us?”
In true deadpan British style, the advisor simply replied:
“Yes, Prime Minister.”
______________________________________
Sunday, March 17, 2019
Quote for the Day
So heart-wrenching to see what has just happened in Christchurch. May God bless the souls who came to the mosque to worship Him in peace. What madness is now spreading? May God's Garden be their next stop.
Saturday, March 16, 2019
St Patrick's Day
It’s that day again when even people who have no connection with Ireland start talking in Irish accents, keep repeating “To be sure! To be sure!” and get blotto on Irish whiskey and Guinness.
Here are some trivia items about the day and the saint. with some vintage cards and funnies thrown in . . .
1. We Should Really Wear Blue
Saint Patrick himself would have to deal with pinching on his feast day. His color was “Saint Patrick’s blue,” a light shade. The color green only became associated with the big day after it was linked to the Irish independence movement in the late 18th century.
2. Saint Patrick Was British
Although he made his mark by introducing Christianity to Ireland in the year 432, Patrick wasn’t Irish himself. He was born to Roman parents in Scotland or Wales in the late fourth century.
3. The Irish Take Saint Patrick’s Day Seriously
As you might expect, Saint Patrick’s Day is a huge deal in his old stomping grounds. It’s a national holiday in both Ireland and Northern Ireland.
4. So Do New Yorkers
New York City’s Saint Patrick’s Day Parade is one of the world’s largest parades. Since 1762, 250,000 marchers have traipsed up Fifth Avenue on foot – the parade still doesn’t allow floats, cars, or other modern trappings.
5. Chicago Feels Lucky, Too
New York may have more manpower, but Chicago has a spectacle all its own. The city has been celebrating Saint Patrick by dumping green dye into the Chicago River since 1962. It takes 40 tons of dye to get the river to a suitably festive shade!
6. It Used to Be a Dry Holiday
For most of the 20th century, Saint Patrick’s Day was considered a strictly religious holiday in Ireland, which meant that the nation’s pubs were closed for business on March 17. (The one exception went to beer vendors at the big national dog show, which was always held on Saint Patrick’s Day.) In 1970, the day was converted to a national holiday, and the stout resumed flowing.
7. It’s the Thought That Counts
Not every city goes all-out in its celebratory efforts. From 1999 to 2007, the Irish village of Dripsey proudly touted that it hosted the Shortest Saint Patrick’s Day Parade in the World. The route ran for 26 yards between two pubs. Today, Hot Springs, Arkansas claims the title for brevity – its brief parade runs for 98 feet.
8. There’s a Reason for The Shamrocks
How did the shamrock become associated with Saint Patrick? According to Irish legend, the saint used the three-leafed plant as a metaphor for the Holy Trinity when he was first introducing Christianity to Ireland.
9. Cold Weather Helped Saint Patrick’s Legend
In Irish lore, Saint Patrick gets credit for driving all the snakes out of Ireland. Modern scientists suggest that the job might not have been too hard – according to the fossil record, Ireland has never been home to any snakes. Through the Ice Age, Ireland was too cold to host any reptiles, and the surrounding seas have staved off serpentine invaders ever since. Modern scholars think the “snakes” Saint Patrick drove away were likely metaphorical.
10. There’s No Corn in that Beef
Corned beef and cabbage, a traditional Saint Patrick’s Day staple, doesn’t have anything to do with the grain corn. Instead, it’s a nod to the large grains of salt that were historically used to cure meats, which were also known as “corns.”
11. The World Runs Up Quite a Bar Tab
All of the Saint Patrick’s Day revelry around the globe is great news for brewers. A 2012 estimate pegged the total amount spent on beer for Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations at $245 million. And that’s before tips to pubs’ bartenders.
12. It Could have Been Saint Maewyn’s Day
According to Irish legend, Saint Patrick wasn’t originally called Patrick. His birth name was Maewyn Succat, but he changed his name to Patricius after becoming a priest.
13. There Are No Female Leprechauns
Don’t be fooled by any holiday decorations showing lady leprechauns. In traditional Irish folk tales, there are no female leprechauns, only nattily attired little guys.
14. But the Leprechaun Economy Is Thriving
Another little-known fact from Irish lore: Leprechauns earned that gold they’re guarding. According to legend, leprechauns spend their days making and mending shoes. It’s hard work, so you can’t blame them for being territorial about their pots of gold.
15. The Lingo Makes Sense
You can’t attend a Saint Patrick’s Day event without hearing a cry of “Erin go Bragh.” What’s the phrase mean? It’s a corruption of the Irish Éirinn go Brách, which means roughly “Ireland Forever.”
Quote for the Day
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
- Groucho Marx,
to a clergyman who thanked him for all the enjoyment
he had given to the world.
Bonus Groucho quote:
Internet Purchase Fails
The morals of
the following items will be obvious, if you buy online:
- be alert to scams and scammers;
- check the fine print;
- check that you understand what you are buying;
- check the images carefully;
- know that getting a refund, replacement or service may be difficult, if not impossible;
- resign to the fact that despite it all, you may still end up ripped off:
as the
person who ordered this commemorative plate of Harry and Meghan discovered:
The above
plate was ordered from Brazil. I like a
comment posted by a reader that obviously the plate was painted by the same
woman who “repaired” the 19th century Spanish church mural:
Here are
other fails from Bored Panda at:
The captions
and some of the reader comments are also from the post.
___________________
This Patch
I Ordered Off Amazon...
Reader
comments:
I like the
new patch better tbh. I mean, it's not what you ordered, but it's still funny
in a way.
You didn't
believe strongly enough. ;)
___________________
My
Grandpa's Neighbor Ordered An Inflatable Santa Online... They Sent Him The
Wrong Size
"Bow
down, bow down before the power of Santa or be crushed, be crushed by his jolly
boots of doom!"
I think
it's perfect
___________________
My Wife
Ordered A Backpack From Amazon To Use As A Carry On. Cat For Scale
Would make
a good toiletries bag though.
...thought
it said cat for sale
10/10 that
cat is going to do unpleasant things to you.
Thanks,
Mom. I'm the first cat in the neighborhood to have one of these. Now they all
want one.
___________________
Might Be
Wrong Though
Why would
he return it? It fits well and looks great on him.
You need
more stylish shoes with that. And smile.
___________________
Photo
Evidence Of Earrings That Never Arrived
___________________
Never Buy A
Cat Tree From Amazon
Leaning
Tower of Pawsa!
___________________
Love My New
Yeezys
I mean, let’s
be honest here. The originals are pretty ugly, I think this was an upgrade.
Why the
fuck would you order those hideous shoes to begin with?? People are crazy.
Kanye West
designed them, and people just want to get crap made by celebrities. It's kind
of like buying ugly Balenciaga platform crocs just because they're Balenciaga.
But, yeah. People are crazy.
___________________
From A
French Airbnb Alternative
AT least
it's got a pool :')
At least he
has his beers!
___________________
When Your
Dress You Ordered Looks Exactly Like The Pic Online
The real
one looks so much better. The "original" is hideous.
___________________
I've
Actually Been Trolled By China. I Ordered The One On The Left From AliExpress
And The One On The Right Turned Up
Why in God’s
green earth did you order the first one to begin with?
If you
bought the one on the left, you deserve the one on the right!
___________________
Wife
Thought The Skillet Would Be A Little Bigger
To be fair,
if that was full size, that'd be one big arse tomato.
Great for
when you just want to eat something small after work, like a bean or half of an
egg.
Cherry
tomato and quail egg is what everybody eats for breakfast.
___________________
Amazon
Misunderstanding
This one is
on the buyer. It clearly says "boys" armchair.
This guy
must not have looked at any of the reviews, I just Googled Kinfine boys arm
chair, 2 Amazon reviews showed up on Google's list, they both mentioned boys
& little chair. This is the 2nd review: We bought this for our son when he
was about a year old. He's almost three now, and it still looks great. It's the
perfect size for kids, and he loves having a chair ...
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