Saturday, April 4, 2020

A preliminary note about delays



I am aware that people are receiving Bytes later than usual, in some cases much later.

Regrettably that is not my doing.

I post the items online and thereafter it is out of my control, the blog itself sends out the posts and it chooses when they go out - I assume that the jump in online activity and internet usage, resulting from people isolating and working from home, has created congestion, slower activity and delays.

A late Byte is better than no Byte so stay with it, dear readers.

Thought for the Day


Staying Home with Chris Franklin and Bob E Kelly

Australian YouTuber Chris Franklin wrote a poem of advice for the Covid-19 pandemic. If offended by the f word, don’t venture further. Franklin gave some sage, but salty, advice on how best to combat the spread of COVID-19. In the poem he finishes by saying that it could be a song and he sings the last two verses. 



The next day muso Bob E Kelly did put it music, acknowledging that the lyrics came from Franklin. Kelly, who looks like The Great Randi, is also a magician  but a musical one who hails from New Hampshire. 


Both the original poem and the musical adaptation appear below. 
_________________________________ 

The poem: 

Click on this link to hear and see Chris Franklin recite it:


Stay the Fuck at Home 

The world has caught a virus 
So I’ve written you a poem,
We’ll need your help to cure it 
So stay the fuck at home. 

Whether you’ve got twelve kids 
Or you’re living on your own, 
Lock it down and isolate 
And stay the fuck at home. 

If you think you’re not at risk here 
You’re living in a dome, 
It spreads faster than a hooker’s legs 
So stay the fuck at home. 

But I need the gym, I need the beach, 
I hear you bitch and moan. 
You need to grow a brain cell 
And stay the fuck at home. 

But I feel fine, I don’t feel sick,
I’ll go out on my own. 
How thick are you, you selfish prick, 
Just stay the fuck at home. 

From LA through to Berlin 
From Wuhan through to Rome, 
There’s people dying every day 
So stay the fuck at home. 

If you need to contact family 
Use Facebook, Skype or phone, 
We’ve got the fucking internet 
So stay the fuck at home. 

This could even be a song . . . 

(Sings)

The only way to slow it down 
Is isolate, not roam. 
Please help the world get back on track 
And stay the fuck at home. 

Oh, stay the fuck at home, please, 
Stay the fuck at home, 
Don’t you be a fucking dick 
And stay the fuck at home. 
_________________________________ 

The song: 

Hear and watch Bob E Kelly perform his version by clicking on the following link: 

Friday, April 3, 2020

Thought for the Day


Funny Friday


----------😊😊😊----------

As the pandemic continues to worsen and the restrictions become more pronounced, it seems long ago that we could arrange to meet friends at a restaurant, go for a walk, to see clients or go to the supermarket to buy toilet paper.

The theme for Funny Friday today is isolation.

Stay well, Byters.

----------😊😊😊----------

SOME HUMOUR . . .

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.  "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.  As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.  She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"  "Ten years," replies the stunned man.  With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.  He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.  Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years."  She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.  He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?"

-----oOo-----

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on this beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere...
The first Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

-----oOo-----

If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?

-----oOo-----

A Pacific cruise was battered by storms for days, the ship’s radio was wrecked, as was its geopositioning equipment.  When the ship sank there were only 2 survivors, Jack and Elle McPherson.  Shipwrecked.  On a South Pacific island with no one knowing they were there. 

After three weeks Elle said to Jack “How come you haven’t tried it on, Jack?”  “I’m shy,” he replied, “and you’re famous . . .”  “What’s there to be shy about? We’re two people alone on a tropical island and no one knows we’re here.  Let’s get it on.”

After another three weeks Elle tells him “Jack, I have to tell you, you’re the best lover I’ve ever had.  Whatever you want, just tell me.”

“Well  . . .” he starts, then pauses.

“Tell me, Jack.  It’s like I said before, there’s nothing to be shy about here.”

“In that case,” he says, “could you put on these men’s clothes, hat and moustache?”

Mystified, she does what he asks.  He then asks her to wait at a nearby tree,

While she’s waiting, Jack comes up, puts a hand on “his” shoulder and says “Mate, you’re not gonna believe this . . . “

-----oOo-----

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

----------😊😊😊----------

FROM THE VAULT . . .

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

----------😊😊😊----------

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .

By moi . . .


Staying home and watching TV,
No whingeing, just letting it be,
Endure twenty twenty,
In Rookwood there’s plenty
Would gladly swap places with me.

For the benefit of non-local readers, Rookwood Cemetery (located 17 km west of the Sydney CBD) is the largest cemetery in the Southern hemisphere.
  
----------😊😊😊----------

GALLERY . . .
  








----------😊😊😊----------


CORN CORNER:

A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”

-----oOo-----

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?
Annoying

-----oOo-----

What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram

-----oOo-----

A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “I rounded them up.”

-----oOo-----

I went outside and wondered why it was so dark and then it dawned on me

-----oOo-----

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary."
Me: "No, it doesn't.”

Thursday, April 2, 2020

Thought for the Day


Dr Suess and more in the age of COVID-19

Following on from the lockdown One Day More . . .


-----oOo-----

If Dr. Seuss wrote a poem about Covid-19 . . .

(Anonymous)

The buildings were big
And people would smile
Travel they would
Mile by each mile

But sick they’d become
And numbers, they grew,
Businesses worried,
Communities too

Things stop for a bit
The world slowed its roll
The virus had certainly
Taken its toll

But what they then saw
From slowing things down
They now had a lot
Less reason to frown

Families now gathered
'What games shall we play?'
'Pass me the blue crayon'
'Give mummy the grey.'

'Daddy is home guys!
He'll read us a book.'
Then all of us together
We all might just cook

The lungs of the planet
Caught a small break
Less travel meant less
Pollution to make

People did realise
That it will be okay
They don't need so much
To get through the day

Maybe this virus
That caused so much stress
Showed the whole world
That more may mean less.



-----oOo-----

The following link is to a revised version of Julie Andrews singing Do-Re-Mi in Sound of Music, well worth clicking on:

-----oOo-----

If you happen to be a Neil Dimond fan (just remember that some days are Dimond, some days are stone), click on this link to hear him sing "Washing Hands":

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Thought for the Day


Brett’s Monthly and One Day More


_________________________________


In these times of worldwide ill health, fears and social isolation, what better than a musical item from the appropriately titled Les Miserables – “The Miserable Ones.” 

The Marsh family of Faversahm, Kent in the UK used their lockdown time to recreate the “One More Day” number from Les Mis with changed lyrics.  The video has gone viral and been seen 3.5 million times.  Dad Dr Ben Marsh, a history lecturer at the University of Kent in Canterbury,  said his children -  Alfie, 13, Thomas, 12, Ella, 10, and Tess, eight – have starred in a few school productions but otherwise have no musical theatre training. He and his wife Danielle Marsh, he added, have no background in music.  “There have been messages from people who are self-isolating, or even people with cancer on hospital wards, saying it has made them smile or cry,” Dr Marsh said of the reaction to the video.  “We really weren’t expecting it and we are really touched by the way it has resonated with people. Hopefully it will give parents an idea of how to keep the kids occupied – besides doing Joe Wicks or watching Netflix.”

The vid is well worth the watching, see it by clicking on the following link:


_________________________________



As he does each month, Brett B has emailed me his list of Daily Bizarre and Unique Calendar Holidays, this time for April, come she will when streams are ripe and swelled with rain.  Thanks Brett.

His list appears below.  You can click on the daily ones to expand.

It seems somewhat ironic that today is April Fool’s Day and International Fun at Work Day, and that April is National Humour Month.

By the way . . .

The Name of the month April is derived from the Latin word aperit, which means to open. It is thought  that April is the month of the growing season(Northern hemisphere) and when trees and flowers begin to “open”. It is also believed that the month’s name is named after the Greek goddess, Aphrodite (Aphros).

Month:

  • National Humor Month
  • International Guitar Month
  • Keep America Beautiful Month
  • Lawn and Garden Month
  • National Kite Month
  • National Poetry Month
  • National Pecan Month
  • National Welding Month
  • Records and Information Management Month
  • Stress Awareness Month
  • Sexual Assault Awareness Month
Weekly Celebrations:
  • Week 1 Library Week
  • Week 1 Read a Road Map Week.
  • Week 2 Garden Week
  • Week 3 Organize Your Files Week
  • Week 3 Medical Labs Week
  • Week 4 Administrative Assistants Week
  • Week 4 National Karaoke Week
April, 2020 Daily Holidays, Special and Wacky Days:
April 1
National Walking Day - first Wednesday in month
April 2
April 3
Don't Go to Work Unless it's Fun Day - we know your decision
National Walk to Work Day - first Friday of month
April 4
April 5
Palm Sunday - date varies
April 6
Plan Your Epitaph Day - a little morbid if you ask me
April 7
Caramel Popcorn Day - Most likely created by a popcorn maker, or an Ecard company.
April 8
April 9
April 10
Good Friday - date varies
April 11
Eight Track Tape Day - do you remember those?
April 12
Big Wind Day - this day blows me away!
Easter Sunday - date varies
April 13
Dyngus Day always the Monday after Easter
April 14
Look up at the Sky Day - don't you have anything better to do?
April 15
Income Taxes Due (most years, it's on the 15th)
April 16
National High Five Day third Thursday
April 17
April 18
Husband Appreciation Day - third Saturday in April
International Juggler's Day - also applies to multi tasking office workers
April 19
April 20
Patriot's Day - third Monday of the month 
April 21
April 22
April 23
National Zucchini Bread Day - they hold this at a time when you are not sick of all that zucchini.
Ramadan - begins at sundown, date varies
April 24
Arbor Day  -last Friday of month
April 25
April 26
April 27
April 28
Kiss Your Mate Day - guys, do not forget this one. Kiss her, then read her some poetry.
April 29
April 30

Tuesday, March 31, 2020