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Son Thomas, a barrister in the field of criminal law, sent me a list of what is said in court by barristers and what those words really mean, but set out in a light hearted way. It comes from a website called Legal Cheek and is by an anonymous manor woman of the wig and gown fraternity. It is set out later in today’s Funny Friday collection. It also sets the theme of some more legal humour.

Enjoy the Funny Friday and enjoy the weekend.

I will be away from my computer for a few days so Bytes will return on Monday.

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I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walked over to me and asked, “What brings you in today?” I looked at her, and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond.

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I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

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When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”

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Did you ever notice: Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

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Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘ The’ and ‘ IRS ‘ together it spells ‘Theirs…’

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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

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A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

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Barristerspeak: A Guide for Students

Source:

https://www.legalcheek.com/2015/10/barristerspeak-a-guide-for-students/

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Another item from Legal Cheek, by a barrister who goes by the handle Wigapedia:

A case can be won or lost on a brief. Essentially a summary of facts and legal points pertaining to a particular case, if any good it allows a barrister to quickly get up to speed and formulate arguments to be put forward in court.

Taking inspiration from English poet Pam Ayres’ ‘Oh, I wish I’d looked after my teeth,’ the revered Wigapedia returns to the pages of Legal Cheek with his legally-themed version, ‘Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brief!’

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brief!

And spotted the perils beneath

that ribbon of pink,

It concealed quite a stink.

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me brief!

I wish I’d been that much more willin’

To spend some more time on me billin’

If I’d stayed up and awake,

I’d have submissions to make,

Instead of being here, trying to fill-in.

The judge sits up there in his chair,

And I gaze up his nose in despair.

He’s in a foul mood,

And really quite rude.

He knows I’m not really prepared.

The thing about examination (which is cross),

Is that it’s easy to get really quite lost.

When you ain’t done the prep,

And don’t know the next step.,

As I’m about to find out to my cost.

So I just took a bit of a flyer,

And shouted at “that witness is a liar”

The judge was in shock

‘Cos the man in the box.

It was my client: I think I’ve been fired!

“So that’s your submission, Mr Snooks?”,

As the judge gives me one of those looks.

He knows I’m not prepped,

‘Cos my brief, I’ve not kept.

It’s at home, with both my White Books.

The judge, ain’t impressed with my skelly.

After all, there was ‘Strictly’ on telly.

It was done in a rush,

The submissions were just mush.

Now my insides have all turned to jelly.

The judge, in his judgement, is rough.

Said my whole case was just ‘nonsense and fluff’.

The absence of precedent,

Was really quite evident,

And I’d just not prepared half enough.

But how I laughed at my old pupil-master,

Thinking I just could do it much faster.

But here comes the reckoning,

The Bar Council is now beckoning,

This brief’s been a total disaster!

Wigapedia (aka Colm Nugent) is a barrister at Hardwicke in Lincoln’s Inn in London.

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Sent to me by Tim B as a follow up to the memes about President Trump’s meeting with Her Maj:

This is the picture of the Queen and the Donald I like best . . .

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From Graham E about the same post:

Hi Mr O,

Re your byte about the Queen and Trump,

I looked at the footage of the arrival at Windsor on YouTube and the very next video offered was the Queen opening parliament in 2017.

She was wearing the same outfit on both occasions, the only difference was the flowers on the hat in 2017 were replace with a bow.

Throwing shade by wearing an old dress ????

Cheers

Mr G

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Corn Corner:

News report:

Singer Sir Cliff Richard has been awarded more than $AU370,000 in damages after winning a privacy case against the British Broadcasting Corporation. London's High Court ruled the BBC had breached the 77-year-old's privacy when it broadcast a raid on his property in Berkshire, south-west of the capital, in August 2014. The singer was out of the country when eight plain-clothed officers in five unmarked cars conducted the search, which related to historical child sex allegations.

Asked how the case had become so acrimonious as to end up in court, a BBC spokesperson responded “It’s so funny, how we don’t talk anymore.”

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Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?"

Defendant: "No Your Honour, my lawyer took every penny."

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A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution counsel then asked the woman: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a Union Jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution counsel and calmly said: "What was the date again?"

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Did Her Maj troll POTUS?

We all know that her Maj is strictly neutral in political matters, but one twitter user has suggested that she was sending out a subtle message via her choice of brooches during President Trump’s visit to the UK. I’m not a conspiracy theorist but given that she must have thousands of brooches to chose from and an army of dressers and advisers, it makes sense to me . . .

Brooch 1:

On the day of the arrival of POTUS and FLOTUS, Her Maj had an audience at Windsor Castle with the Archbishop of Canterbury and Sheikh Ahmad Al-Tayeb. The brooch worn was one gifted to the Queen by Barack and Michelle Obama, purchased out-of-pocket by therm and given to Her Maj as a personal gift.

Brooch 2:

On Day 2 Her Maj met with the President and First Lady and posed for photographs. The brooch worn on that occasion was famously worn by the Queen Mother at Her Maj’s father's funeral.

Brooch 3:

On Day 3 of the UK visit by the Trumps, the Queen met with King Philippe and Queen Mathilde of Belgium at Windsor Castle. The brooch worn was the Sapphire Jubilee Snowflake Brooch, a gift from the Canadian people.