Friday, May 24, 2019
Some religious humour this week plus a Trump - Putin item that is too good not to post.
Some smiles and laughs to set you on the course for the weekend.
Timmy didn’t want to put his money in the offering plate Sunday morning, so his mother decided to use some hurried creative reasoning with him.
“You don’t want that money, honey,” she whispered in his ear. “Quick! Drop it in the plate. It’s tainted!”
Horrified, the little boy obeyed.
After a few seconds he whispered, “But, mommy, why was the money tainted? Was it dirty?"
“Oh, no dear,” she replied. “It’s not really dirty. It just ‘taint yours, and it ‘taint mine,” she replied. “It’s God’s.”
Mrs. Smith was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.
The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
A little girl from Alabama went to church for the first time ever when she was visiting her grandparents in Michigan. When the pastor announced it was time for Holy Communion, she was excited–and hungry. The congregation filed up to the altar rail, and the child watched in confusion as her grandparents received a wafer and small plastic cup of wine. She could hardly wait to get back to the pew to tell her grandma that Jesus wasn’t from Alabama.
“How do you know that, dear?” asked her grandma.
“Because that was the poorest meal I’ve ever seen,” she said. “Mama would’ve at least given everybody some corn bread and sweet tea.”
Mr. Green peered over his fence and noticed that the neighbour’s little boy was in his backyard filling in a hole. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Green asked, “What are you doing, Jimmy?”
Tearfully, little Jimmy replied, “My goldfish died, and I’ve just buried him.”
“That’s an awfully large hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Mr. Green said.
Patting down the last bit of earth, little Joey replied, “That’s because he’s in your cat!”
Trump and Putin arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.
Trump went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:
"Private Jones! Front and center."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."
Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Private Jones! Jump!"
Jones just stood there, unmoving.
"Private Jones! I said jump!"
The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.
"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"
The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Trump backed off in disgrace. It was now Putin’s turn.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."
Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."
Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.
"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"
Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.
By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.
As Dmitrivich is carried past Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:
"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"
Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"
From the vault:
A man was out playing his weekly round of golf when he hit a shot into the trap off the 11th green. So he pulls out his sand wedge and takes a swing at the ball only to hit something metallic underneath. Being curious, he digs away the sand only to find what looks like Aladdin's Lamp. It's kind of dirty, so he takes out his golf towel to clean it off. All of a sudden... POOF! ... a genie appears from the lamp and says,
"Sir, you have freed me from the lamp! For this I will grant you 3 wishes!"
The man thinks for a moment and says, "You know, I have everything I could possibly want. Give the wishes to someone else." He quickly putts out and leaves for the 12th tee.
The genie is flabbergasted. "To think that someone in this world could feel so fulfilled that he could pass up not just 1 but 3 wishes! I know what I'll do. To reward him, I'll grant him 3 things without him knowing. Now let’s see. What does every man want? Money! He will have all the money he can use. Power! Every man wants that. And what else? ... Sex! All that he wants."
A couple of weeks later the man is coming toward the 11th green and there is the genie - sunning himself in the trap.
Genie: (feeling smug) "Hey. How's it going?"
Man: "Couldn't be better. Last week I raised over $1,000,000 and gave the most spellbinding and effective talk of my life. It looks like I'm gaining more influence among my peers and superiors. Things are great."
Genie: "If you don't mind me asking, how's your sex life?"
Man: "It's great. I've had two women in the last two weeks."
Genie: (looking puzzled) "TWO women? That's not very good!"
Man: "It is if you're a priest in a small parish!"
Limerick of the week:
Was uncommonly large in the chest.
Any man’s close attention
To her outside dimension
Brought his own measurement to its best.
Only one today:
God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?”
The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”
God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”
There will be a meeting of the Church Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor.
After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the sanctuary for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst — a visitor who had never attended their church before.
“My friend,” said the pastor, “Didn’t you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?”
“Yes,” said the visitor, “and after today’s sermon, I suppose I’m just about as bored as anyone else who came to this meeting.”
Thursday, May 23, 2019
1. Pick a number between 1 and 10, not 1 or 10.
2. Multiply that number by 9.
3. You now have a 2 digit number. Add those 2 digits together.
4. Subtract 5.
1 = A
2 = B
3 = C etc,
find the letter that corresponds to your number.
6. Think of a country beginning with that letter.
7. Take the second letter of that country and think of an animal beginning with that letter.
8. Think of the colour of that animal.
9. I will now predict what you have selected . . .
Wait, there must be something wrong . . .
There are no gray elephants in Denmark.
Okay . . .
. . . here is the answer . . .
. . . . turn the pic upside down:
Here is another version . . .
Stare at the dots in the centre of the image for 30 seconds, then either close your eyes until an image appears or stare at a white wall until the same thing happens.
Solving a conundrum:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens.’
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
#MeTo having raised awareness of sexual harassment and the need for consent, will it also spread to the world of fairy tales? Will such stories in future be altered or removed altogether. Here is one such item from the vault, from November 25, 2012 . . .
Once upon a time in a land far away there was a fairy story that involved rape, children born of rape, adultery, murder and cannibalism, and they all lived happily ever after. And the name of the story was Sleeping Beauty. Actually it was the original version of the story that contained those elements.
This came up in a discussion in our office as to consent and lack thereof in sexual assault cases. It was mentioned that the prince’s kiss of the unconscious Sleeping Beauty, and also of Snow White, would today be an assault and probably an indecent assault. I said that in the original Sleeping Beauty the prince did more than just plant a kiss on the lips of Sleeping Beauty but others were skeptical. Having grown up on Disney, such a scenario would make it difficult to accept. Nonetheless it is true.
Although few of the tales actually incorporate fairies, the term has come to refer to the style of short story that typically features fantasy characters from folklore. These include witches, fairies, goblins, elves, trolls, giants, mermaids, gnomes and so on. Often they include magic and enchantment. As with most forms of storytelling, these stories were originally passed and handed down orally from person to person. Anyone who remembers the Jim Henson The Storyteller series (I loved that!) will also recall the opening words to each episode: “When people told themselves their past with stories, explained their present with stories, foretold the future with stories, the best place by the fire was kept for... The Storyteller.” Renaissance writers such as Straparola and Basile first put these into written form, later collectors such as Charles Perrault and the Brothers Grimm putting them into collected works, amending and revising them in the process. The term “fairy story” came to be applied to such stories in the late 17th century.
Sleeping Beauty was originally an oral story, put into written form by Basile, then revised by Perrault. The Brothers Grimm published a further version, that being the basis for the Disney version, the latter two being the best known.
The Basile version:
Giambattista Basile (1575-1632) was an Italian poet, courtier, soldier and fairy tale collector. Today he is best known for his collection of fairy tales known, as Pentamerone, published posthumously by his sister in 1634 and 1636, which contains the earliest known versions of Rapunzel, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.
In Basile’s 1636 version The Sleeping Beauty tale was called Sun, Moon and Talia.
In that story a king was forewarned by astrologers that his newborn daughter, Talia, was in great danger from a poisoned splinter of flax within the palace walls. The king immediately ordered a ban on flax inside the palace walls. When she was grown Talia discovered an old woman spinning flax at a spinning wheel. She asked to try and was poisoned by the splinter entering her finger, falling down as though dead. The sorrowful King had his daughter’s body placed on a velvet cloth, locked the castle tight and left. One day a king was hunting near the castle. His falcon flew into the castle through as window and he was forced to enter also, to look for it when it did not come back. Inside the castle he saw Talia, her body preserved and who seemed to be asleep. He was struck by her beauty, so much so that he had his way with her. Not needing to engage in post coital conversation, he then left. Nine months later, still comatose, she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, who were cared for by fairies and who had also acted as midwives for the birth. The fairies also assisted Talia breastfeeding the babies but one day the boy baby has trouble finding his mother’s breast and instead sucks her finger, thereby sucking out the poisonous splinter and enabling Talia to awaken. No doubt she was surprised to find that having fallen asleep at the spinning wheel, she had awakened as a single mother with two children. She named the children Sun and Moon (Zappa would have been pleased) and loved them. The fairies continued to provide food and drink.
Some time later the king returned on another booty call, unaware that he had knocked up the unconscious Talia and that he was now the proud father of two children. He was also surprised to find Talia alive and well. He told her all that had happened, that he loved her and that he would bring her to his kingdom. He then returned to his wife. In his sleep he calls out their names, enabling his wife to find out about his new bff and two exnuptial children. She sent a message to Talia in his name that he missed his children and should send them, which she did. The king’s wife ordered the cook to cut their throats and to present them as dishes to the king. That night he enjoyed the array of dishes presented. The wife then summoned Talia in the king’s name, saying that he loved her and missed her. She rushed to him, only to be confronted by the wife who was set to burn her in a great fire. When the king arrived and intervened, his wife told him that he had eaten his children and that Talia would now be burned. The king orders that his wife be burned instead and summons the cook to have him also burnt. He confesses that he hid the children with his wife and instead slaughtered some goats that were then presented in the meal. The king is overjoyed. He promotes the cook and gives him a rich reward, marries Talia and they live happily ever after.
The moral of the story, its last line, is stated to be that
"Lucky people, so 'tis said,
He who has luck may go to bed,
And bliss will rain upon his head."
An alternative version: "The person who is favoured by fortune has good luck even while sleeping."
Read this version at:
The Perrault version:
Charles Perrault (1628-1703) was a French author who is today best remembered for having published in 1695, at the age of 67, a collection of children’s stories which marked the advent of a new literary genre, the fairy story. His Tales and Stories of the Past with Morals, subtitled Tales of Mother Goose, included works from pre-existing folk tales. The best known are Cinderella, Puss in Boots and Little Red Riding Hood, as well as a reworked version of Basile’s Sun, Moon and Talia, now called The Beauty Sleeping in the Wood.
Significant differences in the Perrault version are that:
· Instead of the coma being prophesied, it comes about from a curse placed on the child by a wicked fairy not invited to the christening. She says that the child will prick her finger on a spindle and die. The curse is ameliorated by a fairy who had not yet given a gift. Not strong enough to remove it altogether, she changes it to a sleep of 100 years, to be awoken by a prince.
· When she falls into the sleep at the age of 15, the good fairy also makes everyone else in the castle (the king and queen are away) fall asleep and covers the castle with briars.
· The princess is awakened by the prince falling to his knees in front of the beautiful, sleeping princess (who is never named in the story).
· They are married by the castle chaplain, everyone else having also awoken.
In Part 2 of the story the prince keeps the marriage secret from his stepmother, an ogre. The princess, his wife, has two children, Dawn and Day. She likewise orders the children to be killed and cooked but they are spared by the cook. When the princess is to be thrown into a pit of poisonous vipers, the prince intervenes and the ogress throws herself into the pit.
Then they all lived happily ever after.
The Grimm Version:
The Brothers Grimm, Jacob (1785-1863) and Wilhelm (1786-1859) are best known as storytellers of European folk tales. Their works popularised stories such as Cinderella, The Frog Prince, Hansel and Gretel, Rapunzel, Rumpelstiltskin and Snow White.
The Grimm version of Sleeping Beauty, called Little Briar Rose, retains the Perrault storyline except that the prince awakens the princess with a kiss and omits Part 2. It is also a lot shorter.
So there you have it. And now here is my prediction: that every time you see or hear of Prince Charming kissing Snow White or the prince kissing Sleeping Beauty whilst they are both in suspended animation, you will recall this article.
Monday, May 20, 2019
Sunday, May 19, 2019
Just as I was wondering what to post, an email arrived from Byter Leo M with a collection of photos under the above title, reproduced below. I know it’s a little trite to profile men collectively as being stupid but some of these pics make me shudder. Maybe George Carlin was right: “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” See what you think when you view the pics. And thanks, Leo.