Funny Friday

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Is there anything more creepy than a ventriloquist's doll?  Well, okay, clowns are creepy.  So the ultimate creepo thing would be a clown ventriloquist dummy:

Here are some ventriloquist items to round off the week . . . 

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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The Kiwi's expression of disbelief doesn't change.

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

The Kiwi gets even more shocked.

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar."

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A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the bill. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did. 

The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: 

"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN ALLEY."

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Sometimes there’s not much work around. In times like these, this is often especially true for ventriloquists. One day, two out-of-work ventriloquists are talking on the phone to each other and lamenting their condition. The older one says, “Just between you and me, I’ve been moonlighting lately as a medium.”

The young ventriloquist is quite impressed. “Really?” he says. “I didn’t know that you were psychic!”

“Well, to tell you the truth, I’m not,” confesses the older man. “But what I did was rent a storefront and bought a small round table, a crystal ball, and a turban. Then, when people come in, I throw my voice and they think that they’re talking to their dead relatives.”

“What a great idea!” says the young ventriloquist.

“You should try it too,” suggests the first man. “You’ll see, it works great.”

The next day, the young man goes out, rents a little storefront, and buys a table, a crystal ball, and a turban. He opens up for business, and an hour later a middle-aged woman walks in. She sits down at the table across from the ventriloquist and asks him, “Can you put me in touch with my long-lost husband?”

“I sure can!” he answers. “Why, for just a hundred pounds, you can hear your husband speak to you from behind that curtain over there. Now I must warn you that his voice might sound a little different, but that’s because he’s talking to you from the spirit world.”

“That’s wonderful,” says the woman eagerly.

“For a hundred and fifty pounds,” the ventriloquist says, “you could have a two-way conversation with your husband, and talk back and forth with him.”

The woman’s voice rises in anticipation as she asks, “You mean, I could communicate directly with my dear departed Hubert?”

“Not only that,” says the ventriloquist, getting just as excited as the woman, “but for two hundred pounds, you could actually carry on a two-way conversation with your husband while I’m drinking a glass of water!”

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, arsehole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community."  Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise.  The blond says, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" 

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I've just been to a ventriloquist's funeral - they sang the hymn "All Things Gright And Geautikal!"

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Corn Corner:

I had to quit hanging out with my buddy who's a ventriloquist because he was constantly putting words in my mouth.

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Some thoughts and tips on writing

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Doors

Doors are fascinating items. They conceal and at the same time invite, inspiring imagination at what lies behind. They are symbolic of both closure and of new experiences. Here are some fascinating doors from around the world.

Jaffa, Israel

Paris

Bali, Indonesia

Beijing, China

Burano, Italy

Burano, Italy

Fes, Morocco

Madeira, Portugal

Jaipur, India

Swindon, Wiltshire, England

Just messing with you, that's Diana Dors (1931-1984), who was born Diana Mary Fluck in Swindon and who became a 1950's English movie sex symbol in the Monroe mould.

Noithumberland, UK

Rabat, Morocco

Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA

Shanghai, China

Sardinia, Sicily

Lisbon, Portugal

Cotswolds, United Kingdom

Toronto, Canada

Valloria, Italy

Pollença, Balearic Islands, Spain

Soho, New York, USA

The Doors

Wanker.

Diagon Alley. No, not so. Old King's School Shop in Canterbury, England, 1647 

The building has suffered damage and near destruction in the past and is still suffering from deterioration, although attempts have been made to stabilise and protect it.  Considerable maintenance and refurbishment is required.  The lean is arrested by an internal metal cage and the door is a recent addition to emphasise the lean.  Here is a photo of the whole structure:

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Trivia Tuesday

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Marie Curie's notebooks:

Marie Curie, the first famous woman scientist in the modern world, was the first person to win a Nobel prize and the first person to win a Nobel prize in 2 disciplines (physics and chemistry). Her research, however, uncovered radioactive elements that ultimately took her life. She and her daughter contracted leukemia due to the radioactive exposure, her research notebooks being exposed to so much radiation that they still cannot be safely handled. Her writings had commented on how pretty she had found the blue-green colours given off by the radioactive isotopes she frequently carried around in her pockets. When they were not in her pockets, she simply kept them in desk drawers. 

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Military blunders:

In 1857, Indian troops known as “sepoys” in the employ of the British East Indian Company mutinied. The mutiny turned into a rebellion against British colonisation that took nearly 2 years to quash and it has been referred to by some as the First War of Indian Independence. The insurrection resulted in the dissolution of the East India Company, the end of the Mughal Empire after the British exiled Emperor Bahadur Shah to Burma and the beginning of the Raj, a British governor general (or "Viceroy" as he was known when representing the British crown) who ruled India. He in turn reported to the secretary of state for India, a member of Prime Minister's cabinet. 

What touched off the rebellion by the sepoys is fascinating.

The sepoys had been issued with new 1857 Enfield rifles that were superior to the Brown Bess rifles with which they had been previously armed. Nonetheless, the loading process remained the same, not changing until the introduction of metallic, one piece cartridges decades later. The procedure for loading the Enfield was to bite open a cartridge, pour the gunpowder from that cartridge down the barrel, then stuff the cartridge down as wadding, wrapped around the ball. 

An Enfield cartridge

Cartridges were made from paper coated with grease to make them waterproof. The introduction of the new rifles gave rise to a belief amongst the sepoys that the issued cartridges for the new rifles were treated with lard and tallow, cow and/or pig fat. The great bulk of the sepoys were either Hindus, for whom cows were sacred, or Mohammedans, to whom pigs were unclean, hence an unwillingness to handle, much less bite, the cartridges. Opinion as to whether the cartridges were actually covered in cow and/or pig fact is divided but the belief by the sepoys was that they were, fostered (perhaps even started) by the Indian princes. The British military denied the rumours, told the sepoys that they could make their own greased cartridges and that they could open them in ways other than biting them.  All such proposals were unacceptable to the sepoys.  When the British dealt harshly with some of the recalcitrant sepoys, the rest mutinied, touching of a rebellion that involved the civilian population and Indian royalty as well. Although there were atrocities on both sides, stories and images such as sepoys being tied to the front of cannon which were then fired remained in Indian consciousness. The rebellion led to the Indian independence movement that ultimately gave rise to Gandhi. 

http://www.executedtoday.com/2011/06/13/1857-blown-from-cannons-sepoy-rebellion/

One final comment: the sepoys had no reluctance during the rebellion in biting the cartridges for use against the British.

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Monday Miscellany - Some Odds, Ends and Personals

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From Daniel as regards last Funny Friday's cartoons:

Otto 

Best Friday funny to date I had to pick myself off the floor. 

Daniel

Thanks Daniel.

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From David as regards the post on Tour de France Information and Trivia:

Your piece on le Tour de France was very interesting. However one interesting fact that you overlooked is how le Tour was spawned by the Dreyfus Affair of 1894 

Alfred Dreyfus, a French Jewish army captain, was sentenced to life imprisonment for selling military secrets to the Germans. In fact he was innocent, but evidence of that was suppressed by the army. Inevitably it leaked and the Dreyfus Affair became a major controversy. Le Velo, a leading daily newspaper, was pro-Dreyfus but many of its major advertisers were anti-Dreyfus. Matters came to a head with a brawl at Aiteuil race track in 1899 involving Pierre Giffard - editor of Le Velo - and Comte Jules-Albert de Dion - a leading industrialist and advertiser in Le Velo. 

Led by the Compte many of the industrialists pulled their advertisibg and forned their own newspaper, originally called L'Auto-Velo and changed to L'Auto in 1903. As sales were not good they decided to sponsor a new type of bicycle race, a multi day tour, and thus was born Le Tour de France. Both the Tour and L'Auto went from strength to strength, the paper now being called L'Equipe. 

But it is rather depressing to think that the world's greatest sporting event is a result of early twentieth century anti Semitism 

Thanks David.

Alfred Dreyfus

Maurice Garin enters Paris as the winner of the inaugural Tour de France

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The following item is by Luminita D Saviuc.  A more detailed version with extra commentary appears on her blog at:

http://www.purposefairy.com/3308/15-things-you-should-give-up-in-order-to-be-happy/

Makes sense to me.

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Mattresses, Fishes and Offers

Kate and I watched The Godfather trilogy again in one sitting yesterday.

The Godfather is one of my Top Ten Plus Two list when I once posted about my top ten movies. I had to add the two because I couldn’t work out which two to delete.  Numbers 2 and 3 didn't make it to the list, my view is that TG 1 is good, 2 is less so, 3 is worst.

For those interested, the list, with comments about each film, is at:

http://bytesdaily.blogspot.com.au/2010/03/movies-my-top-10-plus-2.html

Also for those interested, the list (not in any order) is:

1. The Godfather

2. Rat Race

3. Runaway Train

4. Blues Brothers

5. Chicago

6. 12 Angry Men

7. Zulu

8. Blade Runner

9. Groundhog Day

10. Full Metal Jacket

11. Pleasantville

12. Sin City

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Clemenza:

That Sonny's runnin' wild. He's thinking of going to the mattresses already.

Sonny:

No, no, no! No more! Not this time, consiglieri. No more meetings, no more discussions, no more Sollozzo tricks. You give 'em one message: I want Sollozzo. If not, it's all-out war: we go to the mattresses.

I was aware that “go to the mattresses” had also been quoted in another fav pic, You’ve Got Mail  –

KATHLEEN: 

My business is in trouble. My mother would have something wise to say.

JOE: 

I'm a brilliant businessman. It's what I do best. What's your business?

KATHLEEN: 

No specifics, remember?

JOE: 

Minus specifics, it's hard to help. Except to say, go to the mattresses.

KATHLEEN: 

What?

JOE: 

It's from The Godfather. It means you have to go to war.

KATHLEEN: 

The Godfather? What is it with men and The Godfather?

JOE: 

The Godfather is the I Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation? "Leave the gun, take the cannoli." What day of the week is it? "Maunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday." And the answer to your question is "Go to the mattresses."

You're at war. "It's not personal, it's business. It's not personal it's business." Recite that to yourself every time you feel you're losing your nerve. I know you worry about being brave, this is your chance. Fight. Fight to the death. 

That started me wondering as to the meaning and the origin. Although the meaning is clear – to prepare for war or battle – there is no definitive, verified origin. The Phrase Finder, an authoritative UK website, offers this commentary:

In 1530 the combined troops of Charles V and Medici Pope Clement VII lay siege to Florence. The bell tower of San Miniato al Monte was part of the defences. Michelangelo Buonarroti, as he was good at most things, was put in charge of defending the city. He used the ploy of hanging mattresses on the outside of the tower to minimise damage from cannon fire. 

In times of war or siege, Italian families would vacate their homes and rent apartments in safer areas. In order to protect themselves they would hire soldiers to sleep on the floor in shifts. 

Ordinarily we would want to verify such stories before publishing them here as part of a phrase derivation. In this case though it isn't really important. The meaning of the phrase turns on the association in Italian folk-memory of mattresses with safety in wartime. The phrase wasn't well known outside of the USA and Italy prior to the Godfather movies. It was used there, and later in The Sopranos television series, to mean 'preparing for battle'. Whether or not the stories that originated it are true doesn't alter the fact that the screenwriters of those films used them in that context. 

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/159900.html

San Miniato al Monte

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Which raises some other phrases from the Godfather . . .

When a package is delivered that contains a dead fish wrapped in the bulletproof vest of one of Don Corleone’s most loyal lieutenants, someone asks what it means. Clemenza states “It's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.”

Is it a Sicilian message or was in invented by Mario Puzo for the book The Godfather?

From the Phrase Finder:

Cassell's Dictionary of Slang dates "sleep with the fishes" from the 1950s, but The Godfather was only published in 1969; so although it undoubtedly gained circulation from the book, it didn't originate there. There's also a closely related phrase, "feed the fishes" which has been in circulation since the 19th century. 

http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/59/messages/113.html

From Wiktionary:

A similar reference can be found in Herman Melville's Moby Dick, wherein the second mate Stubb soliloquizes: "when Aquarius, or the Water-bearer, pours out his whole deluge and drowns us; and to wind up with Pisces, or the Fishes, we sleep. (Melville, Moby Dick, ch. 94).

Earliest known reference for this phrase can be found in the epic Greek poem, The Iliad, by Homer. During Book 21, Achilles slays Lykaon, a son of Priam, and throws him in a river. Achilles taunts him as he dies, saying "Lie there now among the fish..." (Lattimore translation) or, "Make your bed with the fishes now..." (Fagles translation). In other words, sleep with the fishes.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sleep_with_the_fishes

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Don Corleone:
“I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

Again from Phrase Finder:

This is the best-known line from The Godfather book (1969) and film (1972), both written by Mario Puzo. In fact, it is one of the best-known lines in any film and ranks second only to 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn' as the most celebrated quotation from an American film. The 'offer he can't refuse' line is used in all three films of the Godfather trilogy but varies slightly throughout and isn't always easy to hear through all that cotton wool. 

The expression 'make an offer he can't refuse' does occur in literature and film prior to 1972, but not with the meaning that it has now taken on because of its use in The Godfather. For example, Jason Robards' character in the 1934 film Burn Em Up Barnes uses "I'll make her an offer she can't refuse". The meaning there is quite different. The character is suggesting making a large and tempting offer of cash - it is meant to be taken as generosity rather than as a threat. 

Puzo appears to have been making an reference to an existing phrase so that the Godfather character could ironically pretend that his 'offer' was benevolent. 

In the first occurrence in the first Godfather film, it is 'I'll make him an offer he can't refuse'. In one of the film's best-known scenes Don Vito Corleone (Marlon Brando) is visited by his godson, the famous singer Johnny Fontane (Al Martino) - a characterization that is widely believed to be based on Frank Sinatra, although many people associated with Sinatra and the film have denied this. Fontane asks for Vito's help to secure a film role that will boost his fading career. The head of the film studio, has previously refused to give Fontane the part, but Don Corleone tells Johnny "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse."  The studio head later wakes to find the severed head of his expensive racehorse in his bed. Unsurprisingly, Fontane is subsequently given the part.

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/an-offer-he-cant-refuse.html

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