Friday, March 4, 2016

Funny Friday

It's



so that means it's time for a bit of

Today, some more items about different countries.

Caution: risque humour included.
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France:


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In a French restaurant, a tourist notices the waiter has his thumb in his plate:
Man: “Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup?”
Waiter: “So sorry sir, but I have a boil and the doctor told me to keep it warm.”
Man: “Well why don’t you just stick it up your ass?”
Waiter: “I do sir, but I’ve got to serve customers occasionally…”
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Australia:

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 

'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' 

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

* * * * * * * * * *
Noprm decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight.

The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'

Norm replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.'

* * * * * * * * * *
Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.

'You'll get your chance in court,' Desk Sergeant Kelly told him.

'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'
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Canada:


* * * * * * * * * *


A Canadian couple was strolling through Hyde Park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton.

The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said, 'Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians.'

'Indeed we are,' replied the Canadian gentleman. 
'I hope you won't mind my asking,' said the Brit, 'but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?'

'Well,' replied the Canadian gentleman, 'one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known.'

The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, 'And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?'

'Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto,' the Canadian lady piped up.

The Brit then asked, 'And what are those six words?' 

The Canadian smiled and replied, 'They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'
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Ireland:

The following is not a joke, it is a humorous true story, from the BBC News website 19 February 2009 at:


The Mystery of Ireland’s Worst Driver

Details of how police in the Irish Republic finally caught up with the country's most reckless driver have emerged, the Irish Times reports.

He had been wanted from counties Cork to Cavan after racking up scores of speeding tickets and parking fines.

However, each time the serial offender was stopped he managed to evade justice by giving a different address.

But then his cover was blown.

It was discovered that the man every member of the Irish police's rank and file had been looking for - a Mr Prawo Jazdy - wasn't exactly the sort of prized villain whose apprehension leads to an officer winning an award.

In fact he wasn't even human.

"Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence and not the first and surname on the licence," read a letter from June 2007 from an officer working within the Garda's traffic division.

"Having noticed this, I decided to check and see how many times officers have made this mistake.

"It is quite embarrassing to see that the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities."

The officer added that the "mistake" needed to be rectified immediately and asked that a memo be circulated throughout the force.

In a bid to avoid similar mistakes being made in future relevant guidelines were also amended.

And if nothing else is learnt from this driving-related debacle, Irish police officers should now know at least two words of Polish.

As for the seemingly elusive Mr Prawo Jazdy, he has presumably become a cult hero among Ireland's second largest immigrant population

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A Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman were chatting about their children.

The Scotsman says' meet my son Andrew, we called him Andrew because he was born on 30th of November'.

The Welshman says' That's a coincidence, meet my son David. He was born on St David's day'.

The Irishman said, fancy that, would you believe that's amazing. Paddy calls over to his son:

'Oi Pancake! come over here..'
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Scotland:

Angus, talking to his friend Jock in a bar:

"See this bar here lad? I built this bar with me bare hands. I planed the wood, sanded, stained it, nailed it, put me sweat and blood into it. But do they call be Angus the bar-builder? No... See that fence outside? Aye, I built that too. I shaped the wood, dug the holes, measured and planted the posts meself. But do they call be Angus the fence-builder? NO! That boat outside lad, aye, built that meself too! I chopped down the trees, dried and warped the wood, nailed it and tarred it with me bare hands! But do they call me Angus the boat-builder? No! But you fuck one sheep laddie....




Corn Corner:


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A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.

Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them.

One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'



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