Friday, April 15, 2016

Funny Friday

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Yes, it’s Friday and therefore time for some fun.

Some more international jokes and stereotypes, but be warned, risqué humour is included.
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Germany:

Q: What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley? 
A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own. 

Q: What is the difference between Christianity and National Socialism? 
A: In Christianity, one guy died for all the others. 

Q: What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"? 
A: Vee haf vays to make you tock.

A German national was asked: ‘What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference?’ 
He answered: ‘I don’t know and I don’t care!’”


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France:

The next one is a bit difficult in written form because it relies partly on a French accent. Nonetheless let’s have a go at it . . .

Raoul was talking to his friend: “I take out zum of zer most beautiful vimmin in zer vorld, but you zink zey call me ‘Raoul zer ladies’ man’? No! Zer vimmin give me gurld, money . . you zink zey call me ‘Raoul, zer gigolo?’ No! But zurk one curk . . . “

(Translation, if required:

“I take out some of the most beautiful women in the world, but you think they call me ‘Raoul, the gigolo?’ No! The women give me gold, money . . .you think they call me ‘Raoul, the gigolo?’ No! But suck one cock . . .”




I believe that ufortunately this joke only works for English speaking countries in that in French, Seine rhymes with ‘pen’.
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Switzerland:

Q: What is the difference between the Swiss and the Germans?
A: The Swiss are just like the Germans but without their sense of humour!!



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Russia:

Q: What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome? 
A: Yukanol Fukov. 

Q: What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles? 
A: Electricity. 

I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves. 

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian." 

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Scotland:

Hamish McHarg, a Scottish minister, was making his rounds to parish homes to receive their tithes and offerings. 

One of his parishioners gave, but had a distinctly stingy attitude when parting with his money without receiving something in return. 

As he put the gift away, Hamish commented dryly, 'Tha Good Book says tha Lord loves a cheerful giver, but the Church o' Scotland canna be so choosy.'
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Alisdair Biggar, a Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force. 

The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?'

'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.'
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Celts are unique in that they can take the two instruments that annoy the most people in the world and place them in the "same band". Drums and bagpipes.


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Corn Corner:

A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road. 

Cop: "Sir, do you realise that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?" 

The German: "Yahh, zey are my vinscreen vipers!" 


Somebody asked Roger Federer what was good about being Swiss. He replied, "Well, the flag is a big plus!"


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