Honourable No 1 son gets married this Sunday so the theme for today is weddings and marriages.
Here are some funnies to set them on the road to wedded bliss . . .
I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle.
But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life."
"But the wedding is not until tomorrow, dad"
"I know, son"
The best wedding speech goof up, ever.
The best man was to include the Bible verse 1 John 4:18 in his speech.
1 John 4:18- "Fear is not in charity: but perfect charity casteth out fear, because fear hath pain. And he that feareth, is not perfected in charity. "
On the big day he accidentally read out John 4:18.
John 4:18 - "For thou hast had five husbands: and he whom thou now hast, is not thy husband. This thou hast said truly. "
I texted my wife this afternoon: “Darling, I had a bad accident at work this morning and fell from a great height. Sarah kindly rushed me to the hospital, the doctors have examined me and tested me, they have x-rayed the damage in my legs and say I may never walk again, and will possibly stay in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.”
She texted back “Who’s Sarah?”
I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
She replied 'No, we have a problem, we’re a couple, we’re married, we’re a unit. Your problem is my problem, we’re in this together.'
Overwhelmed with relief I said 'It’s hardly worth mentioning now.'
But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
I then had to explain to her that 'We have got your sister pregnant!.'
I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
And a couple not relating to marriage, which have been previously posted and are worth another airing . . .
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. “Is yours raisin too?” the clerk yells testily.
“No,” croaks the feeble old man... “But it’s startin’ to twitch.”
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it . Would you like some?"
He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me."
Best wishes to Thomas and Jess for Sunday, may you have long and happy lives together, may your first child be a masculine child.