Some smiles and giggles to finish the week but, a caution, there is some risque humour included. Happy trails, campers.
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and 50,000 pounds.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins!"
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.’
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes, 'Blimey man, you've left the "e" out.'
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason, 'There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you.'
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud, 'E, she were thin.'
An Essex girl is involved in a car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It’s okay, I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions, okay?"
Medic: "What’s your name?"
Medic: "Okay Sharon, is this your car?"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
If I had 50 cents for every maths test I’ve failed, I'd now have $7.30.
Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump? Thanks.
Breaking news: Caitlyn Jenner claims Bruce Jenner sexually assaulted her over 30 years ago.
What do we want?...
When do we want em?...
If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary. If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Knicker Stitcher… I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..”
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied “Diesel Fitter.”
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained “Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.”
“What skill?” yelled Paddy.
“I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says ‘Yep, diesel fitter.’ “