Saturday, February 26, 2022
A Mathematical Formula for Life and Living
Sent to me by friend and Byter Steve M . . .
Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
This
comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs.
experience.
It has an indisputable
mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh
Out Loud.
This is a strictly .....
mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to
give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those
people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in
life?
Here's a little mathematical
formula that might help you answer these questions:If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L
M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude
with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get
you there.
Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
Friday, February 25, 2022
FUNNY FRIDAY
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As the world gets gloomier and Covid continues to make its presence felt, there is an even greater need for some lightness and levity.
A lengthy Bytes today and some lengthy items that hopefully you will enjoy.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a factory in Moscow to have a chat with the workers. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Dimitry puts his hand up and says, "I have two questions:
Why did the Russians take Crimea? and
Why have we invaded the Ukraine?"
Putin says, "Good questions".
But just as he is about to answer the bell goes and the workers go to lunch.
When they come back, there is room for some more questions. Another worker, Misha, says "I have four questions:
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why have we invaded the Ukraine?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early? and
Where is Dimitry?”
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The manager of a ladies' dress shop realised that it was time to give one of her sales staff a pep talk. "Paula," she said, "your figures are the lowest in the department by a long way. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," said a humbled Paula. "Can you offer me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well," said the manager, "there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you find a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Paula's sales figures shot up, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again, this time to congratulate her.
"Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Paula nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did in the end."
"And what is it?"
"Fantastic."
"Yes, that's an excellent word," said the manager encouragingly. "And how have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in class. I said, "Fantastic", and she bought $500 worth of clothing."
"My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was organizing. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and that her husband makes the most money. "Fantastic", I said, and she not only bought a $2,000 designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of accessories. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying, "Fantastic", and they keep buying!"
"Excellent work, Paula," said the manager. "You're a credit to the department. Just as a matter of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Paula shrugged. "It was usually, 'Who cares?' “
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A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete.
Honestly, I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.
The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
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A man sets down three pieces of luggage at a very famous International Airlines (that shall not be named) check-in counter and says, "I want the brown bag to go to London, the black one to go to Paris," he said. "And keep the third bag here till my return from Australia next week for pick up."
The check-in clerk blinked. A supervisor standing behind him overheard the request and came up. "I am sorry sir, but we are not the post office," he said, "we can't do that."
"Why not?" the irate passenger said, raising his voice, "That's what you did the last time!"
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In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
“Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three.”
“Test of Three?”
“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No…actually I just heard about it.”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”
“No, on the contrary…”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. “You may still pass though, because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?”
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
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LAW & LAWYERS
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
You probably know the limerick that uses a rhyme for Australia:
An artistic young man from Australia
Painted his arse like a dahlia.
The likeness was fine
And the color sublime
But the aroma, now that was a falia
Alternative version #1:
There was a young man from Australia
Who tattooed his bum like a dahlia
The likeness was fine
And the colour sublime
But the aroma, now that was a failure.
Alternative version #2:
There was a young girl of Australia,
Who went to a dance as a dahlia,
When the petals uncurled,
It revealed to the world,
That as clothing the dress was a failure.
Which is a segue to another limerick I came across with a rhyme for Australia:
A young bride and groom of Australia
Remarked as they joined genitalia:
"Though the system seems odd,
We are thankful that God
Developed the genus Mammalia."
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.
But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd
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If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
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A lesbian couple asked me to help them conceive a baby
So I told them, "Well, imagine an adult, but smaller, mostly hairless, and it shits itself a lot."
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Thursday, February 24, 2022
SONG SPOT
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Caution: risqué content
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I happened to recall this from the days when I was a uni student, although the version I remember concerned a policeman and Waterloo Bridge. No matter.
So I present for your listening pleasure . . .
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Blinded by Turds
The origins of this musical work may be lost in time or it may have been written by Oscar Brand.
Here is the link to the version sung by Oscar Brand, Canadian singer who made a specialty of singing naughty ditties in the sixties:
Video:
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The lyrics:
There was an old lady who lived on Lick Street
Her passage was blocked up from too much to eat
She took stomach pills without reading the box
Before she could strip, turds were flying like rocks.
Toorala, tooralay
A rolling stone gathers no moss, so they say
Sing along, with the birds
It's a wonderful song but it's all about turds.
She ran to the window, stuck out her ass
Just at that moment a cowhand did pass
He heard the strange noise, so he gazed up on high
A mighty big turd hit him right in the eye.
Toorala, tooralay
A rolling stone gathers no moss, so they say
Sing along, with the birds
It's a wonderful song but it's all about turds.
Oh he ran to the east and the west
When a further consignment arrived on his chest
He fled to the north and he fled to the south
When a bloody big turd hit him right in the mouth.
Toorala, tooralay
A rolling stone gathers no moss, so they say
Sing along, with the birds
It's a wonderful song but it's all about turds.
The next time you walk over Flatriver Bridge
Look out for a cowhand asleep on the ridge
His chest bears a placard, whereon are these words:
"Be kind to a cowboy who's blinded by turds."
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Oscar Brand bio:
Oscar Brand (1920 – 2016) was a Canadian-born American folk singer-songwriter and author. In his career, spanning 70 years, he composed at least 300 songs and released nearly 100 albums, among them Canadian and American patriotic songs. Brand's music ran the gamut from novelty songs to serious social commentary and spanned a number of genres.
Brand also wrote a number of short stories. For 70 years, he was the host of a weekly folk music show on WNYC Radio in New York City, which is credited as the longest running radio show with only one host in broadcasting history.
While Brand was not as well-known or radical an activist as some of his contemporaries, he was a long-standing supporter of civil rights. He told stories of buying food for Lead Belly when the two traveled together in segregated areas, and participated in the 1965 Selma to Montgomery marches.
Brand was one of the original organizers of the Newport Folk Festival which began in 1959.
In the early 1960s, Brand brought his substantial connections in the worldwide folk music community home to his native Canada with his CTV and then CBC television program Let's Sing Out. The program was staged at and broadcast from university campuses across Canada and both revived the careers of long-forgotten pioneers of the folk music movement such as Malvina Reynolds, the Womenfolk, The Weavers and others and introduced then-unknown Canadian singers such as Joni Mitchell and Gordon Lightfoot.
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Wednesday, February 23, 2022
RARE HISTORIC PHOTOS
__________
Concluding the list of Rare Historic Photos from:
The remaining photos have a US focus but are of interest from a historical perspective nonetheless . . .
__________
The Wounded Knee Massacre
Among the countless clashes between U.S. settlers and Native Americans, the Wounded Knee Massacre stands apart to this day.
On December 29, 1890, U.S. troops followed orders to disarm Native Americans they'd forcibly relocated to a camp near Wounded Knee Creek, South Dakota. Accounts vary, but most say a scuffle started after one Lakota refused to give up his rifle. In the end, more than 400 troops killed as many as 300 Lakota men, women, and children, and wounded another 50. The regiment then buried the Lakota in a mass grave (pictured).
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The Battle Of Little Bighorn
Like Wounded Knee, the Battle of Little Bighorn retains a special place in the history of settlers and Native Americans. Fought near the Little Bighorn River in southern Montana on June 25 and 26, 1876, this U.S. defeat at the hands of the Lakota and accompanying tribes became famous for Custer's Last Stand, the ill-fated charge of troops led by George Custer, resulting in his death and the death of most of his men.
Pictured: Bones at the site of Custer's Last Stand in the aftermath of the battle.
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The Klondike Gold Rush
The Klondike Gold Rush is such a rough-and-tumble chapter in U.S. history that it's strange to think that cameras actually documented it. Yet of the approximately 300,000 people who flocked to northwestern Canada in search of gold between 1896 and 1899, a few owned and brought cameras.
However scarce, these images provide a glimpse into a period when dysentery and malaria were the norm and food was so scarce that salt was worth its weight in gold.
Pictured: Miners at work, circa 1899.
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The California Gold Rush
Even more remarkable than the images from the Klondike Gold Rush are those of the famed California Gold Rush 50 years before.
This mass migration likewise saw about 300,000 settlers head to California in a move that would shape American history far more than you'd think. Indeed, if not for the influx of people, the accompanying development of San Francisco, the Transcontinental Railroad, and the state of California itself might very well look a lot different.
Pictured: A prospector pans for gold in the American River of California's Sacramento Valley, circa 1850.
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Completion Of The Transcontinental Railroad
In today's world of interstate highways, instant communication, and drone delivery, it's almost impossible to understand the earth-shaking significance of the day workers completed America's first transcontinental railroad at Promontory Summit, Utah on May 10, 1869 (pictured).
It's likewise hard to believe that a moment so antiquated was actually captured — with terrific clarity, no less — on film.
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Some additional amazing historical photographs and text
from the same website . . .
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The Bomb, From The Ground
Popular photos of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings often capture the event from an aerial perspective.
While this perspective makes for a powerful image, it obviously doesn't capture the blasts' terrifying scope to those on the ground at the time. This is what makes this photo of the atomic cloud rising over Nagasaki on August 9, 1945 so devastating. The blast pictured here would soon kill at least 75,000 people.
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The Last Lifeboat Off The Titanic
A handful of surviving images depict the Titanic on the water, just days before the ship's tragic accident on April 15, 1912. Images of survivors' rescue — like the one here, depicting the last lifeboat evacuating the ship — are less common.
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Unboxing The Statue Of Liberty
Much like the Eiffel Tower, it's hard to think of the Statue of Liberty as anything other than a timeless colossus. It was of course a statue built by human hands, and one which France shipped to the States in 214 crates and had an assembly cost of about $10 million (adjusted for inflation).
On June 17, 1885, those crates reached the U.S. and the great unboxing began.
Pictured: The statue's face not long after removal from its crate.
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The San Francisco Earthquake Of 1906
With at least hundreds more deaths than Pearl Harbor, the San Francisco earthquake of 1906 remains the second deadliest disaster in U.S. history. The quake began on the morning of April 18, and by the time it ended, the quake had levelled about 90 percent of the city, left 225,000 homeless, and at least 3,000 dead.
Yet amid that pandemonium, at least one photographer managed to capture a stark, evocative image that reveals the $10 billion destruction.
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Tuesday, February 22, 2022
POETRY SPOT
I have previously posted poems by Edgar A Guest, of whom wit Dorothy Parker said:
“I would rather fail my Wasserman test
Then read the poetry of Edgar A Guest.”
The Wasserman test was an antibody test for syphilis.
(Once asked to put the word “horticulture” into a sentence and make it humorous, she said “You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.”)
Edgar Guest (1881-1959) was a prolific American poet – publishing a poem every day in the Detroit Free Press for 30 years. Known as the People’s Poet, Edgar Guest wrote easy-to-read poems about many relatable topics. He wrote encouraging life messages about topics such as family and work.
This following poem encourages people not to give up when they are faced with challenges, apt in these Covid days.
Even when things are not going well, keep pushing on. You never know how close you are to success and making it to the other side.
Keep Going
By Edgar Guest
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must—but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow—
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.
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Here is a pictorial version of the same message . . .
Monday, February 21, 2022
BENCHES
There is a story that when a rooster found a white soccer ball in the fowl yard, he lined up all the hens and said “I’m not complaining, but I do want to point out what is being done elsewhere.”
I was put in mind of this when I received an email from Byter David G:
Hi Otto
Thought this might tweak your interest for some future Bytes article?
David
ps love your works.
Public Benches Around the World... FANTASTIC .
TOO MANY OH&S ISSUES FOR SILLY OLD AUSSIE TO ENJOY THEM ...
Before posting David’s pics, let me show you our local benches and the reason for the rooster story, the first pic being of a bench in Ashfield Park . . .
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David's pics . . .
Love this one
This is brilliant.
Thanks, David.
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Some bonus pics . . .
A final comment:
Some years ago the local Council in my area removed benches from a pedestrian mall. The use of pedestrian malls as a planning tool has fallen into disfavour, primarily in the disadvantage it causes to shopkeepers by keeping shoppers away. Many malls have been reconverted to parking and traffic. The shopkeepers on this occasion had asked the Council to remove benches in that they were attracting what were considered undesirable elements, including homeless people, drunks, men congregating, after school teenagers etc, which in turn was keeping customers away.
Thoughts?
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