Friday, November 25, 2022
FUNNY FRIDAY
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this yob.
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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Last winter I was at work and my wife text me saying "Windows frozen".
I sent one back saying "Pour lukewarm water on it".
A few minutes later she text back saying "The computer's completely fucked now."
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About 45 pounds.
What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
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A local charity realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer thought about it for a minute and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken volunteer began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a horrific traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give them any goddamn money, so why should I give any to you?!?"
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Up the street sex is sold by the piece
And I wish that foul traffic would cease;
It’s a shame and improper,
And I’d phone for a copper
But that’s where you’ll find the police.
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
A friend told me my thinking is too one-dimensional.
I can't imagine y.
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2 guys walk into a bar.
The first guys says I'll get H2O.
The second guys says I'll get H2O too.
He died.
(H2O2 = Hydrogen Peroxide).
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It doesn't matter how kind you are
German children are always Kinder.
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Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"
Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"
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Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman?
She wrote him a John Deere letter.
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Thursday, November 24, 2022
GRRR
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I am still having problems getting Bytes posts out to subscribers. . . the dove has not yet returned with an olive leaf. But, dear Byters, I am still trying and one lives in hope. Hang in there with me.
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Here are some computer stories from a help desk blog . . .
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Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?
Caller: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.
Operator: What sort of trouble?
Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Operator: Went away?
Caller: They disappeared.
Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Caller: Nothing.
Operator: Nothing?
Caller: It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.
Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Caller: What’s a sea-prompt?
Operator: Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?
Caller: There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Caller: What’s a monitor?
Operator: It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
Caller: I don’t know.
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Caller: Yes, I think so.
Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: Yes, it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Caller: No.
Operator: Well, there you are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Caller: Okay, here it is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can’t reach.
Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Caller: No.
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Caller: Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.
Operator: Dark?
Caller: Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
Caller: I can’t.
Operator: No? Why not?
Caller: Because there’s a power failure.
Operator: A power… a power failure? Aha, okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them and unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I’m afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.
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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one
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Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can’t get my CD out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….
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Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you like to click on ‘start’ for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t find it..
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Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah…thank you.
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Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woollies.
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Customer: My keyboard’s not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk ten paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter ‘V’ as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: Okay, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
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Tech support: Okay Colin, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don’t have a ‘P’.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’…on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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Tuesday, November 22, 2022
WHOLESOME VANDALISM SHARED
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The following pics and headings are from a Bored Panda post and too good not to share. They are from:
The article is called Wholesome Cases Of Vandalism People Have Documented In The Streets.
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By the way: still working on the computer emails glitch.
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Dog Waste Bin In Britain This Morning
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Awesome Find In Durham
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I Found This Gem Somewhere In Hartford, Cn Last Week
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Tough Choice!
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This Is A Great Idea
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No Signs Were Posted
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Thwaites
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Result!
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A Tribute To Bruce Wills Found In My Office Area
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No Playing Dice With Squirrels
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Who You Gonna Call?
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I Certainly Would
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Fun!
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Glasgow City Centre
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It's true, they are!
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As Long As It's Pure
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FROM THE VAULT
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Because someone is still working on the computer glitch that is preventing Bytes posts being sent by email to subscribers, I am re-posting another item from the vault, in the hope that this one gets out (much like Noah releasing doves and having one return with an olive leaf).
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This post is from Thursday, August 26, 2010 and is on the background to the expression Sweet Fanny Adams . . .
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On 24 August, 1867 eight year old Fanny Adams was murdered by Frederick Baker, a 24 year old solicitor’s clerk, in the rural village of Alton in England.
A portrait of Fanny Adams by Illustrated Police News in 1867
Having been seen in the vicinity of the crime at the relevant time, having admitted that he gave Fanny’s companions, her friend Minnie Warner and Fanny's 7 year old sister Lizzie Adams, money to go away and buy lollies, and having admitted that he then spent time with Fanny, his defence had little chance of success. This was all the more so in that when arrested he had bloodstains on his clothes, he had two bloodstained knives on him, and that he had told an acquaintance he was going to leave town and might obtain employment as a butcher. Having obviously learnt little from working in a solicitor’s office, he had also written in his diary “24th August, Saturday — killed a young girl. It was fine and hot.” Both the defence of innocence and alternatively insanity were rejected by the jury, which convicted him in 15 minutes. He was executed on Christmas Eve outside Winchester Gaol with 5,000 attending.
Baker had killed Fanny Adams by a blow to the head with a rock. He had then savagely mutilated the body and scattered the parts, to such an extent that it took days to find the various bits and pieces. There was not a person in England who did not know of Fanny Adams at the time.
There the matter might have rested and passed into obscurity but for the British Navy introducing new rations of tinned mutton in 1869. Dissatisfied sailors jokingly referred to the rations as “Sweet Fanny Adams”, possibly because of the small pieces of meat contained in the rations. From there the term came to be applied to anything small or nothing. Often this was abbreviated to “Sweet F A” or just “SFA”.
The expression “Fuck all” already existed at that time, it did not descend from Sweet Fanny Adams. However, the similarity of the initials, FA, is believed to have resulted in the phrase “Sweet Fuck All”.
As a final note, the large tins the mutton was delivered in to make the rations were reused as mess tins. Mess tins or cooking pots are today still known as Fannys.
Monday, November 21, 2022
FROM THE VAULT
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I am still attempting to have rectified the glitch that is preventing Bytes being emailed to subscribers. My apologies, Byters.
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For that reason, today’s post is an item from the vault, from December 9, 2010, actually:
The Ferrari Logo
Ferrari S p A, the Italian car manufacturer, was founded in 1929 by Enzo Ferrari as Scuderia Ferrari.
The famous Cavallino Rampante ("prancing horse") emblem came about when Ferrari won an Italian motor race in 1923 and met Countess Paolina, mother of WW1 ace and national hero Count Francesco Baracca. Baracca used to paint a horse on the side of his planes (see below) and it was suggested by the Countess that Ferrari should do likewise with his racing cars, to bring him luck
Ferrari did so but with variations:
- Whereas Baracca’s horse had been red on a white cloud, Ferrari made his horse black, just as Baracca’s squadron had done after Baracca was killed in action.
- He also made the background canary yellow, the colour of the city of Modena, his birthplace.
- The horse design is also quite different in style, with the tail noticeably up instead of down.
- He also added the colours red, green and white, the Italian national colours, and the letters S F for Scuderia Ferrari
The prancing horse predates both Baracca and Ferrari.
The motif has been found on ancient coins
The black prancing horse on a yellow shield is the coat of arms of Stuttgart in Germany, the home of Mercedes Benz, It is also the home of the design bureau of Porsche, which incorporates the Stuttgart sign in its corporate logo,
Ducati motorbikes used the prancing horse motif but abandoned it as Ferrari fame grew,
Avanti service stations still use the emblem in Europe. Look similar?...
Sunday, November 20, 2022
WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE continued
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Continuing a look at the events and people in Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire.
Each two lines represent a year.
Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, "Bridge on the River Kwai"
Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball
Starkweather, homicide, children of thalidomide
Buddy Holly, "Ben Hur", space monkey, Mafia
Hula hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go
U-2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, "Psycho", Belgians in the Congo
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1958:
Charles de Gaulle:
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A WWII photo portrait of General Charles de Gaulle of the Free French Forces and first president of the Fifth Republic serving from 1959 to 1969.
- Charles de Gaulle (1890 – 1970) was a French army officer and statesman who led Free France against Nazi Germany in World War II and chaired the Provisional Government of the French Republic from 1944 to 1946 in order to restore democracy in France.
- The French Fourth Republic was the republican government of France from 27 October 1946 to 4 October 1958, governed by the fourth republican constitution. It was in many ways a revival of the Third Republic that was in place from 1870 during the Franco-Prussian War to 1940 during World War II, and suffered many of the same problems. France adopted the constitution of the Fourth Republic on 13 October 1946.
- Despite the political dysfunction, the Fourth Republic saw an era of great economic growth in France and the rebuilding of the nation's social institutions and industry after World War II, with assistance from the United States provided through the Marshall Plan.
- The Fourth Republic saw frequent changes in government – there were 21 administrations in its 12-year history. Moreover, the government proved unable to make effective decisions regarding decolonization of the numerous remaining French colonies. After a series of crises, most importantly the Algerian crisis of 1958 and Algeria’s war of independence, the Fourth Republic collapsed.
- Frustrated by the return of petty partisanship in the new Fourth Republic, de Gaulle had resigned in early 1946 but continued to be politically active as founder of the Rassemblement du Peuple Français (RPF; "Rally of the French People"). He retired in the early 1950s and wrote his War Memoirs, which quickly became a staple of modern French literature.
- De Gaulle returned from retirement to preside over a transitional administration that was empowered to design a new French constitution. The Fourth Republic was dissolved on 5 October 1958 following a public referendum which established the modern-day Fifth Republic with a strengthened presidency.
- He managed to keep France together while taking steps to end the Algerian war, much to the anger of the Pieds-Noirs (ethnic French born in Algeria) and the armed forces; both previously had supported his return to power to maintain colonial rule. He granted independence to Algeria and acted progressively towards other French colonies.
- In the context of the Cold War, de Gaulle initiated his "politics of grandeur", asserting that France as a major power should not rely on other countries, such as the United States, for its national security and prosperity. To this end, he pursued a policy of "national independence" which led him to withdraw from NATO's integrated military command and to launch an independent nuclear strike force that made France the world's fourth nuclear power.
- He restored cordial Franco-German relations to create a European counterweight between the Anglo-American and Soviet spheres of influence.
- De Gaulle opposed any development of a supranational Europe, favouring Europe as a continent of sovereign nations.
- De Gaulle openly criticised the United States intervention in Vietnam and the "exorbitant privilege" of the United States dollar.
- In his later years, his support for the slogan "Vive le Québec libre" and his two vetoes of Britain's entry into the European Economic Community generated considerable controversy in both North America and Europe.
- Although reelected to the presidency in 1965, he faced widespread protests by students and workers in May 1968, but had the Army's support and won an election with an increased majority in the National Assembly.
- De Gaulle resigned in 1969 after losing a referendum in which he proposed more decentralisation.
- He died a year later at his residence in Colombey-les-Deux-Églises, leaving his presidential memoirs unfinished.
- In his lifetime, de Gaulle survived 31 documented assassination attempts. He is the target in the book and film Day of the Jackal.
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Gallery:
De Gaulle in 1897, aged 7
Captain De Gaulle with another French POW in Poland, 1916
Charles de Gaulle (far right) with Andrew McNaughton, Władysław Sikorski, and Winston Churchill
1958 Time Man of the Year
The first meeting between David Ben-Gurion and de Gaulle at Élysée Palace, 1960
Charles de Gaulle's motorcade passes through Isles-sur-Suippe (Marne), the president salutes the crowd from his famous Citroën DS
President John F. Kennedy and de Gaulle at the conclusion of their talks at Elysee Palace, 1961
De Gaulle and Lyndon B. Johnson meeting at Konrad Adenauer's funeral in 1967, with President of West Germany Heinrich Lübke (center)
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Following is an anecdote, previously posted in Bytes, and of uncertain origin. It has been widely quoted and may be an urban myth, Snopes.com does not verify whether it is truth or fiction.
The exchange is frequently said to have taken place between Madame de Gaulle and British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan or his wife, Lady Dorothy Macmillan. One variant has Harold Macmillan, not understanding what Madame de Gaulle meant to say, "Well, yes, not much time for that now."
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle."Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?""A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer . . . and no one knew what to say next.Finally, Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word 'appiness.'"
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