Funny Friday

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. 

. 

What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

45 minutes.

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly. 

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore! ... He is!" 

Bill and Ted were chatting in the pub. 

Bill said "Ted, have you any idea what I did before I married Eileen?" 

"No, what?" 

"Whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted" sighed Bill. 

Cakes and Buds

Driving home I was wondering what to post on Bytes. Contrary to what you might think, I don’t have a giant stockpile of items, although there are some longer items for future posting as a result of brief items having kept growing during writing. 

It was then that I received a text message from Byter Gabrielle: 

“I have a question I hope you can answer. I have heard many people use the term “he wants his cake and eat it too”. Of course I would want to eat the cake, who wouldn’t? Nip it in the bud is another one." 

Good point, Gabrielle – what is wrong with wanting to eat your cake once you have it. What else are you going to do with it? But to understand the proverb, you must go back in time and see how it has changed in the present. 

Some comments: 

• The proverb was first recorded in 1546 by John Heywood in his “A Dialogue Containing the Number in Effect of All the Proverbs in the English Tongue.” Heywood (no relation to Heywood Jablome, the subject of previous Bytes items) recorded the proverb as “Would you both eat your cake and eat your cake?” 

• John Davies in 1611 wrote “A man cannot eat his cake and have it still.” 

• The phrase, as above, means “Do you both want to eat your cake and still have it afterwards? You can’t have both.” 

• The clauses "eating one’s cake" and "having it too" became reversed in 1749, so that the proverb commonly became “have one’s cake and eat it too.” 

• The meaning today remains the same, a modern equivalent being “you can’t have it both ways”. 

• The pic above is of a birthday cake made by Byter Jess for my No 2 son Elliot. Jess does it as a sideline nad has made amazingly decorated cakes that are works of art. When it comes to Jess’s cakes, I do want to have them and eat them too. Anyone in Sydney who wants to engage Jess to make a cake that will be a unique centrepiece, drop me a line or post a comment. I will then get back to you. 

• By the way moment: 

One Theodore J. Kaczynski (1942 - ) learned from his mother at an early age that the original proverb was eat/have, not have/eat. He used the eat/have terminology in an anarchist manifesto, which assisted the FBI to identify him as the Unabomber who, between 1978 and 1995 engaged in a US nation-wide bombing campaign that killed 3 and injured 23. 

As far as “nip in the bud” is concerned: 

• The phrase comes from horticulture, referring to removal of buds from plants so as to stop further growth whilst the plant is still young. This then causes the plant to grow in other ways eg to become bushy. It has been extended to stopping or restricting development at an early or young state. 

• The early use of the phrase used the word “bloom” rather than “bud”. 

• In 1595 Henry Chettle's romance Piers Plainnes Seaven Yeres Prentiship contained the sentence "Extinguish these fond loues with minds labour, and nip thy affections in the bloome, that they may neuer bee of power to budde." 

• The bud version first appears in 1607, in Beaumont and Fletcher's comedy of manners Woman Hater: "Yet I can frowne and nip a passion Euen in the bud." 

• By the way moment: 

US author, poet, humorist and wit Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) was once challenged to use “horticulture” in a sentence. 

She replied “You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.”

Graffito

 

__________________________

Tuesday Quote: Philip Roth

  

Last weekend my wife, Kate, was suffering the effects of the latest bug that has been going around. All of us in the family have had it and, in some cases, re-had it. I suggested that she take some of the Codral I had left but she declined, saying “I tried it once and it gave me palpitations.” 

Kate’s comment brought to mind Alexander Portnoy’s mother, Sophie, in Philip Roth’s novel Portnoy’s Complaint. 

That passage from the work comprises the Bytes Tuesday quote.

In the interest of domestic harmony I will draw no further comparisons between Kate and Sophie Portnoy and will simply present the extract . . .

Even in the Chinese restaurant, where the Lord has lifted the ban on pork dishes for the obedient children of Israel, the eating of lobster Cantonese is considered by God (Whose mouthpiece on earth, in matters pertaining to food, is my Morn) to be totally out of the question. Why we can eat pig on Pell Street and not at home is because . . . frankly I still haven't got the whole thing figured out, but at the time I believe it has largely to do with the fact that the elderly man who owns the place, and whom amongst ourselves we call Shmendrick, isn't somebody whose opinion of us we have cause to worry about. Yes, the only people in the world whom it seems to me the Jews are not afraid of are the Chinese. Because, one, the way they speak English makes my father sound like Lord Chesterfield; two, the insides of their heads are just so much fried rice anyway; and three, to them we are not Jews but white-and maybe even Anglo-Saxon. Imagine! No wonder the waiters can't intimidate us. To them we're just some big-nosed variety of WASP! Boy, do we eat! Suddenly even the pig is no threat-though, to be sure, it comes to us so chopped and shredded, and is then set afloat on our plates in such oceans of soy sauce, as to bear no resemblance at all to a pork chop, or a hambone, or, most disgusting of all, a sausage (ucchh! ). .. But why then can't we eat a lobster, too, disguised as something else? Allow my mother a logical explanation. The syllogism, Doctor, as used by Sophie Portnoy. Ready? Why we can't eat lobster. Because it can kill you! Because I ate it once, and I nearly died!

- Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

Mea Culpa

  

Okay, I screwed up. I admit it. Byter Kara queried the pic that I used as the image of the Abbey Road cover and she was right. Having a number of images on my computer, I used the one that showed the pedestrian crossing in the shape of piano keys. As one Mr H Simpson would say, “Dohh!” 

Here is the wrong one: 

and here is the right one: 

I have now fixed it on the blog.

As a matter of interest, Paul Cole, the bystander who was incorporated in the photograph and who can be seen behind John Lennon’s head, near the police car, died in 2008. 

He had achieved his 15 minutes of fame by simply standing on a footpath whilst on vacation from from the US after having declined to look at yet another museum with his wife. It was worthy enough for his passing, at age 96, to be reported: 

http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2008/feb/15/30gtpaul-cole-man-on-beatles-abbey-road-cover/

According to Cole "I just happened to look up, and I saw those guys walking across the street like a line of ducks. A bunch of kooks, I called them, because they were rather radical-looking at that time. You didn't walk around in London barefoot." 

In an interview four years earlier he had stated that he didn't like the Beatles' music, preferring classical:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/melismashable/man-on-abbey-road-cover-doesnt-like-the-beatles

Those who want to have a more detailed look at the Paul is Dead conspiracy theory and the alleged clues on the album cover, click on: 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1205310/Pictured-The-Beatles-album-cover-started-decades-long-conspiracy-theory.html

Monday Pic

A little bit of toilet humour to start the week. 

I saw the following graffito on the toilet wall in Bunnings at Ashfield but a check on the net showed that that it was not original. It had me chuckling, though, both for what I would have thought was Captain Kirk’s state of mind as he was beamed up and secondly for the looks on the faces of Scotty, Spock and whoever else was in the teleporter room as Kirk arrived, still in the sitting position with his pants around his ankles. Priceless.

The pic is of the one on the net, not the one at Bunnings. . .

Abbey Road - Cover

 

The sleeve photograph for the Beatles’ Abbey Road album is one of the most widely known photographs in the world. 

Some facts and trivia: 

• Abbey Road is the eleventh studio album released by the Beatles and their last recorded, though Let It Be was the last album release before the band split up in 1970. Abbey Road was recorded and released in 1969. 

• Although the album is regarded as one of the Beatles’ most tightly constructed albums, the group was barely operating as a functioning unit at the time. Members had fallen out and some were not speaking to others. Producer George Martin had prevailed upon them to do a further album after work on the proposed Get Back album, later released as Let It Be, had not gone well. Speaking on the Beatles’ Anthology, the survivors of the Beatles said that they felt this was going to be their last album, hence they set aside their differences and determined to “go out on a high note”. 

• The cover shows the group walking over a zebra crossing, single file, Lennon in the lead. Only McCartney is barefoot and he is holding a cigarette. 

• The design is taken from a sketch prepared by McCartney, to which the photographer, Iain MacMillan, had added a detailed illustration: 

• The zebra crossing is outside the EMI Studios in Abbey Road. In 2010 the zebra crossing and the studios were granted heritage status for “cultural and historical importance”. 

The zebra crossing with EMI studios in the background in 1969 

• Iain MacMillan, the photographer and a friend of John and Yoko, was given ten minutes to take the photo whilst he stood on a step-ladder and a policeman held up the traffic. 

• The white VW, also called a Beetle, belonged to one of the people living in the block of flats across the road from the EMI studios. The number plate of the vehicle was repeatedly stolen after the album was released. The vehicle is now on display at a museum in Germany. 

• In 1969 an urban legend was started by American college students that Paul McCartney had died in 1966 and had been replaced by a look alike. The belief was that the Beatles’ music and photographs gave clues to the “Paul is Dead” phenomenon, so that people started looking closely for such clues and indicators. One such indicator that people found was the cover photo of Abbey Road, which was argued to be symbolic of a funeral procession: 

John, dressed in pure white, symbolises the preacher and heavenly body; 

Ringo, dressed in full black, symbolises the mourner; 

George, in scruffy denim jeans and shirt, symbolises the gravedigger; 

Paul, barefoot and out of step with the others, symbolises the corpse. 

Further, McCartney is holding a cigarette, often dubbed “coffin nails”, and he is holding it in his right hand when he was known to be left handed. The registration number of the VW – LMW28IF – was interpreted to mean that McCartney would have been 28 “if” he had lived, plus the letters LMW meant “Linda McCartney weeps”, a reference to Paul’s wife. 

• Some other photos taken at the shoot, both by McMillan and Linda McCartney, show that Paul was wearing sandals at the time, discarded for the photograph selected for the sleeve: 

• McCartney was the person responsible for selecting the final cover photograph. One of the reasons that he selected this image was that it showed all four walking away from the Abbey Road studio, where they had spent so much of the last seven years. 

• This was the first time that a cover contained neither the group’s name, nor the album title, just the photograph. 

• There have been numerous parodies. Some favourites:

Dear John

Elwood: “What types of music do you usually have here?” 

Claire: “Oh, we got both kinds, we got country and western.” 

- Claire at Bob's Country Bunker, Blues Brothers 

Whilst doing something recently I had a CD playing in the background. It was one of those compilation discs, the best of something or other, or Country Classics, something like that. As regular readers of Bytes will know, I am not a fan of country music but I am fascinated by it, a style of music where each song tells a story with a beginning, middle and end, and usually a life message, all in 3 minutes. 

Old joke: 

Q: What do you get when you play country music backwards? 

A: Your wife comes back, your dog comes back to life and you get out of jail. 

The disc I was listening had a C & W song I had not heard before that was so maudlin and soppy that it actually caused me to stop and pay attention to the lyrics. It was a song by Jean Shepard and Ferlin Husky called “Dear John”. More of that later.

It started me thinking about the origin of the term “Dear John letter”, when someone tells their hubby, boyfriend or significant other that the relationship is over. 

Some comments: 

The origins of the phrase are not known with certainty but it is believed to have originated from American servicemen during World War 2. With so many service personnel serving overseas at that time and being away from home for protracted periods, it was inevitable that some of the wives and sweethearts at home would form new attachments and relationships. The letter informing the husband or significant other that the relationship was over became known as a Dear John letter. The name “John” was a common generic name, even unknown bodies and victims are referred to as “John Doe”. Whereas loving letters would often commence “Dearest John” or “My darling John”; in contrast the opening words “Dear John” are cold in comparison. 

In August 1945 a writer wrote in a letter to the Democrat and Chronicle of Rochester, New York: 

“Dear John,” the letter began. “I have found someone else whom I think the world of. I think the only way out is for us to get a divorce,” it said. They usually began like that, those letters that told of infidelity on the part of the wives of servicemen... The men called them “Dear Johns”. 

Today, such a message would more likely be a Dear John email, SMS or tweet. 

Which brings us to the Jean Shepard (1933- ) / Ferlin Husky (1925-2011) song. 

Hear Jean Shepard and Ferlin Husky sing their 1953 hit, Dear John, by clicking on the following link: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMueKWzG0WE

See and hear them singing it many, many years later at: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0d60FS93-zs&feature=related

Hear the Loretta Lynn and Ernest Tubb cover at: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM9dXQ6T2eI

The song was released whilst the Korean War was in progress and was a No 1 hit on the Hot Country Songs chart, as well as reaching No 4 on the popular music chart. Shepard was a pioneer for women in country music, releasing a total of 73 singles and 24 albums between 1953 and 1981. 

I will say no more about the song, the lyrics speak for themselves: 

(Her:)

Dear John oh how I hate to write 

Dear John I must let you know tonight

That my love for you has died away 

Like grass upon the lawn

And tonight I wed another dear John

(Him:)

I was overseas in battle when the postman came to me

And he handed me a letter and I was just as happy as I could be

For the fighting was all over and the battle had been won

Then I opened up the letter and it started 'Dear John'

(Her:) 

Dear John oh how I hate to write...

Will you please send back my picture 

My husband wants it now

When I tell you who I'm wedding 

You won't care dear anyhow

Now the ceremony has started 

And I wed your brother Don

Would you wish us happiness forever dear John 

By the way, the follow up, “Forgive Me John”, was also a hit for Jean Shepard and Ferlin Husky, reaching No 10 on the Country chart and No 25 on the pop chart. It can be heard at: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n70TXCrGtdM

The lyrics to that song are: 

(Her:) 

Forgive me John but I don't love your brother 

I realise now that you're the only one

Write and tell me dear that you'll still have me 

If I undo the awful wrong I've done

(Him:)

I've tried to answer your letter 

The best that I know how

The way I feel about you honey 

Really doesn't matter now

As you know the boys 

Will be coming home soon

To be with their wives and their ma's and pa's 

I'd like to come home

I'd like to see you, as a wife, but not as a sister in law

(Him:)

You're asking me to do somethin' I can't do

It's hard to explain 

But can't you see my brother loves you

I reckon as much as I do and he married you

And I could never do him like he done me

But I wish you happiness forever 

May you make him a truly lovin' wife

There's nothing for me to come home for now

So I'll re-enlist and live my lonely soldier's life 

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those 

who do. 

And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 

'put down.' " 

- Bob Newhart

Funny Friday

  

Part #2 of some humour about Catholics...

A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy because while they were morosely eating only fish, the Jewish man was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics worked on him to convert him. 

Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took him to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and intoned, "Born a Jew... Raised a Jew... Now a Catholic." 

The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious but maddening smells every Friday evening! 

But come the following Friday, the scent of barbecue wafted through the neighbourhood. 

The Catholics all rushed to the Jewish man’s house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipping in water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow... Raised a cow... Now a fish!" 

Jesus intervenes as the crowd is about to stone a woman caught in the act of adultery. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone," says Jesus, offering a stone as he says this. 

Everyone falls silent. Then, one by one, they drop their stones and shuffle off, ashamed. 

Then a stone is thrown from the crowd and hits the woman on the head. 

Jesus looks around and spies the person who had thrown the stone. 

He lets out a sigh and says, "I love you, Mom, but sometimes you really piss me off." 

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. 

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." 

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?" 

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd; no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again. 

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest, I’m not even a Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.” The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .” 

Corn Corner

A priest was about to retire. When his replacement showed up he warned him that the Church’s buildings had a rat problem that they had tried for years to eradicate. Some time later the retired priest asked the new priest how the rat problem was. He answered “Oh, I fixed that long ago.” The retired priest asked “How?” The new priest said “I baptised them and never saw them again.”

Bureaucracy

  

How To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures 

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. 

2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water. 

3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. 

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. 

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. 

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. 

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. 

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? 

"BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here." 

If the above item seems a bit extreme, note the following comments by someone responding online to the above:

Heard a story about a woman who always cut the end off the leg of lamb before putting it in to roast, it was because her mother did.  When the mother was asked, it was for the same reason.  When the grandmother was asked, her answer was "because my pan is too small". The younger generations had the right size pans but continued to trim!