Funny Friday

This coming weekend will be the Australia Day weekend, the celebration of the founding of Oz in 1788, a day now categorised by indigenous Australians as Invasion Day.

Here is some Oz humour as the theme for today' Funny Friday, which includes some funnies that I've posted before . . .

* * * * * * * *

A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race and buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones - no company.

He has read everything he can and, after a few weeks, is getting a bit bored. 

One afternoon he sees the dust coming up way in the distance. A crusty old bushie gets out of a battered Holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, I live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area."

"Sounds great" says the ad-man.

"I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."

"Sounds awesome" says the ad-man.

"We tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs and drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"

"I go alright" say the ad-man.

"This all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"

"Doesn't really matter" says the bushie, "It’s only going to be you and me."

* * * * * * * *

An example of how hot it gets here:

* * * * * * * *

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?" 

"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" 

Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow." 

She said, "No, I'm not a widow." 

And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"

* * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *

Col and Frank were drovers who had come to town for a beer. At the bar, Col got into conversation with another man and said “So what do you do for a living?” The man replied “I’m a taxidermist. I stuff animals.”

“Do you stuff sheep?” Col asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you stuff kangaroos?”

“All the time.”

“What about dogs?”

“Yes, often.”

Later, Frank asked Col “What is he then?”

Col replied “He says he’s a taxi bloke but I reckon he’s a drover like us.”

* * * * * * * *

Btw: The Mr Whippy ice cream van hadn't really melted, it was a 2006 Sculpture By the Sea exhibit.

* * * * * * * *

Limerick Spot

There was a young man of Australia

Who went on a wild bacchanalia.

He buggered a frog,

Two mice and a dog,

And a bishop in fullest regalia.

Funny Photos

* * * * * * * * *

5 Bits of Trivia

* * * * * * * *

The word “mare” in “nightmare” has nothing to do with a female horse. The word comes from the Old English “more”, a mythological demon or goblin who torments human beings with frightening dreams and feelings of suffocation. The prefix "night-" was added to stress the dream-aspect. 

The Nightmare by Henry Fussell, 1781

* * * * * * * *

What is unusual about the following words:

SWIMS

NOON

MOW

Answer: They read the same upside down as right way up.

Such words are known as ambigrams and they can also be created by using manipulated fonts, as in Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.  Here are some

* * * * * * * *

Honey doesn’t spoil. It is the only known food source that keeps indefinitely in its raw form, so much so that it has been found in archaeological digs thousands of years old and still edible.

* * * * * * * 

In 2012 a man by the name of Kaboom (he had changed it from Krosner to bring attention to his pest control business) left his walking stick outside the Council chamber in Akron, Ohio. The walking stick was an aluminium converted shower rod with duct tape at the ends. More importantly it had his name written on it. When it was discovered there was an immediate evacuation of the building, notwithstanding that the stick with “KABOOM” written on it also had the words “This is not a weapon.”

* * * * * * * *

Jack Nicholson was brought up believing that his maternal grandparents were his parents. Nicholson only discovered that his "parents" were actually his grandparents and his "sister" was his mother in 1974, after a journalist for Time magazine informed him of the fact. By this time, both his mother and grandmother had died.   Nicholson's mother had gotten pregnant at age 16.

Jack Nicholson, his mother June, father uncertain

Likewise singer Bobby Darin discovered at age 32 that his sister was really his mother, who had given birth to him at age 16.  

Eric Clapton discovered at age 9 that his sister was mother and that she had given birth to him at ... age 16.

Eric Clapton with his mother.

* * * * * * * * *

Wave at the Bus

“To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”

- Dave Barry

* * * * * * * * *

Meet Dale Price, the Father from Hell. Dale lives in American Fork, about 50k from Salt Lake City. Dale is married to Rochelle and they have a son named Rain. Dale is a stay at home dad who has a prosthetic leg as a a result of a motorcycle accident.

Back in 2011 16 year old Rain began his sophomore year at high school, that is, Year 10. Mum and Dad thought it would be a bit of fun to wave at their son from the front porch as he was collected by his school bus. Rain was not amused and said to his mother “Mom, don't let Dad go out there again.” Dad overheard his son’s complaint but rather than heeding it, he did the opposite. For the next 179 days he waved goodbye to his son every morning. dressed in a different costume: Elvis Presley, Batgirl, the Little Mermaid, Princess Leia, Little Red Riding Hood . . . 

Rain was initially humiliated but eventually he and his friends began to look forward to what the next costume would be.

Dale has spent only $50 on the costumes, most having been improvised, collected from neighbours and utilised from previous dressups and from their costume box.

Once the 180 days and the school term was at an end, so was the dress up and the wave goodbye.

According to Dale, he was going to have a sleep in.

Dale has created his own site – Wave at the Bus – which records all the costumes and subsequent events:

http://waveatthebus.blogspot.com.au/p/the-170-costumes.html

Btw, Rain is now an 18 year old missionary serving in Liberia, West Africa.

* * * * * * * * *

Some pics:

* * * * * * * * *

Remembering Leslie Nielsen

Recently, in connection with a hospital humour post,  I inluded the hospital quote from Flying High (in the US Airplane!), Leslie Nielsen’s funny flick. It started me thinking about some of the best quotes from Leslie Nielsen’s films and chuckling to myself as I remembered them.

Here are some of the best to start off the week . . . . 

* * * * * * * *

From Flying High / Airplane:

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?

Rjumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?

Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious.

Rumack: I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.

Old lady: Nervous?

Ted Striker: Yes.

Old lady: First time?

Ted Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times.

Operator: [Captain Oveur is on the phone with the Mayo Clinic] Excuse me, Captain Oveur, but I have an emergency call on line five from a Mr. Hamm.

Captain Oveur: Alright, give me a Hamm on five, hold the Mayo.

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?

Captain Oveur: I can’t tell.

Rumack: You can tell me. I’m a doctor.

Captain Oveur: No. I mean I’m just not sure.

Rumack: Well, can’t you take a guess?

Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.

Rumack: You can’t take a guess for another two hours?

Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking... We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

* * * * * * * *

From The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!:

Frank: It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day.

Jane: Goodyear?

Frank: No, the worst.

Frank: It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

Mayor: Now Drebin, I don’t want any trouble like you had on the South Side last year, that’s my policy.

Frank: Well, when I see five weirdos, dressed in togas, stabbing a man in the middle of the park in full view of a hundred people, I shoot the bastards, that’s “my” policy!

Mayor: That was a Shakespeare-In-The-Park production of ‘Julius Caesar,’ you moron! You killed five actors! Good ones!

Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat.

[Jane climbs a ladder]

Frank: Nice beaver!

Jane [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.

[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force]

Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent!

Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.

Frank: Well, uh...

[Frank Drebin quickly shoves the evidence back into the file cabinet]

Mrs Nordberg: Oh, my poor Nordberg! He was such a good man, Frank. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Who would do such a thing?

Frank: It's hard to tell. A gang of thugs, a blackmailer, an angry husband, a gay lover...

Frank: I’d known her for years. We used to go to all the police functions together. Ah, how I loved her, but she had her music. I think she had her music. She’d hang out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony. I don’t recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune. Yet she was on the road 300 days of the year. In fact, I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.

* * * * * * * *

From The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear:

Frank: That’s the red-light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging around down there.

Ed: Sex, Frank?

Frank: Uh, no, not right now, Ed.

Dr Mainheimer: It's a terrible thing that's happened here, Lieutenant. I do hope you will find the people responsible.

Frank: I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.

Frank: Miss, I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, and this is Captain Ed Hocken, Police Squad.

Busty Female Shop Assistant: Is this some kind of bust?

Frank: Well... it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.

Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a most special American. Tonight, he is being honoured for his 1000th drug-dealer killed.

Frank: [to applause] Thank you. But, in all honesty, the last three I backed over with my car. Luckily, they turned out to be drug-dealers.

Frank: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?

Jane: He’s Caucasian.

Ed: Caucasian?

Jane: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.

Frank: Awfully big moustache.

Frank: I’m single! I love being single! I haven’t had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!

(Music Stops. People stare.)

Frank: I mean at the time I was dating a lot.

* * * * * * * *

From Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult:

Tanya: What are you doing?

Frank: Oh! I was, uh, just conjugating my next move.

Tanya: Your bishop’s exposed.

Frank: It’s these pants.

Frank: Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out.

Frank: Well… We shot a lot of people together. It’s been great. But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, it’ll have to be within the confines of my own home. Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party

Frank: Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Ed: You might end up dead!

Frank: “You might end up dead” is my middle name.

Ed: What about Jane?

Frank: I don’t know her middle name.

* * * * * * * *

And his last fart joke. . .

Leslie Nielsen’s gravestone

* * * * * * * * *

Reader Comment: Kara and Olga

Byter Kara sent me an email about yesterday’s post on Princess Olga of Kiev. 

You will recall that Princess Olga of Kiev was the Viking female equivalent of Genghis Khan/.

Kara writes:

Otto! 

You have ended this post with a huge question - WHY on earth is there a statue of Olga anywhere in the US? Sure I could look it up but you do this so well . . . 

Kara 

So what is the answer?

Here’s a clue: 

Olga + First Conversion to Christianity in Russia + Sainthood = Statue in Ukrainian church in New Jersey

In addition to being a medieval female Chuck Norris, Olga has the distinction of being the first ruler in Rus to become a born again Christian.  She was also declared a Saint by Mother Church for her efforts in spreading the faith and was the grandmother of Prince Volodymyr—Vladimir—who proclaimed Orthodox Christianity to be the official religion of Rus-Ukraine.

The sculpture is by Petro Kapshutschenko and depicts Olga sitting on her throne with a crown, draping headdress and flowing robes. She has her right hand on the armrest and her left hand is clenched in the middle of her chest. 

It is located on the grounds of St. Andrew's Ukrainian Orthodox Memorial Church, 135 Davidson Avenue, South Bound Brook, NJ. 

Behind the statue of Olga is a memorial church for the victims of Stalin’s famines. The area is part of the headquarters of the larger Ukarainian Orthodox Church of the USA, otherwise known as the Ecumenical Patriarchate of Constantinople.

And upon what does the stony stare of Olga fall in front? Unfortunately only a run down repair shop.

* * * * * * * * *