Enjoy Friday and the weekend, people.
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Quickies:
My psychologist offered some advice...
“The key to happiness and inner peace is to finish what you’ve started”.
So I’m nearly at the bottom of this bottle of Vodka and I’ve taken all my antidepressants.
I think she’s right, I feel amazing!
Yippee! I'm the winner of that Mega Millions $1.6 billion jackpot. I've just had an e-mail to confirm it. All I've got to do is send my bank account details to this agent of theirs based in Nigeria, and they'll transfer it in.
The strangest thing is, I don't even remember buying a Mega Millions ticket.
My wife just dumped me because of my "stupid comparisons."
I feel like a china shop in a cow field.
I’d give my right arm to be able to compete in the Invictus Games.
Around my area there’s quite a few people putting decorations up for Halloween: plastic gravestones, banners saying step no further and beware etc.
Personally I think my sign saying "FUCK OFF" will do the trick nicely.
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Finest of Funny Friday:
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
A priest and a rabbi, by coincidence, were sitting next to each other on a long flight.
About an hour passes and not a single word was exchanged by the two men. Finally, the priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Rabbi, do you mind if I ask you a personal question"? The rabbi said, "Of course, you may."
"I understand that many of you Jewish people, especially rabbis, keep kosher and, as such, don't eat things like bacon or ham". The rabbi acknowledged that. "Haven't you ever even tasted bacon or ham?", asked the priest.
The rabbi explained, "Many years ago, I was a visiting rabbi in a small town in the middle of nowhere and found myself in a diner one Sunday morning. There was no one around so I ordered bacon and eggs. It was quite good but that was the only time that ever happened."
After some time, the rabbi turned to the priest and said, "Father, do you mind if you ask you a very personal question"? The priest said OK.
"You priests take an oath of celibacy, right"?, asked the rabbi. "Why, yes", answered the priest, wondering where this was going.
"Well, haven't you ever had sex since you've become as priest"?, asked the rabbi. The priest looked about nervous, leaned toward the rabbi and answered very softly, "As a young parishioner I was approached by a troubled woman who was looking for my guidance. She was a beautiful, young woman and one thing led to another. So, yes, just once I had sex with a woman".
A few moments pass and the rabbi leans over to the priest and says, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"
At dawn the telephone rings:
"Hello, Senor Rod? This issa Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Umm, I just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he issa dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Senor, this issa the one."
Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"He issa eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He issa eat the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he issa die from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we issa use to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle issa fall and the curtains issa caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a bloody candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She issa showed up very late one night and I issa thinking she issa a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE..
"Ernesto, if you broke that bloody driver, you're in deep shit!"
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Corn Corner:
I couldn't believe it today when my son came home with two armchairs and a settee.
I've told him a million times, never accept suites from strangers.
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so i tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.
I'm in Emergency now waiting to see a cardyologist.
I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water.
Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.
