Friday, July 31, 2020
Stay safe readers and enjoy the Funny Friday fix.
Caution though, some risque items.
The waitress asked for my order and I said, "How about a quickie?"
Without hesitation she slapped me and stormed off.
The old lady next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
Jack, a renowned atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.
Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Well, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"
Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"
He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live.
As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.
Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.
At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.
As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?"
Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind"
Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.
That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.
After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.
Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.
Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.
On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.
Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.
The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.
Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to Hell, I'll do anything, just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!"
Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday"
Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!"
Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian Hell"
Jack: "The Christian Hell? Why would the Christian Hell be like that?"
Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way."____________________
Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window
The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Mary. I just wish I could afford it."
The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."
The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first gets the ring at my expense. Deal?"
The men are thrilled at the offer and both agree. The third man counts down from 3 and they both set off down the street.
The third man then smashes the shop window and grabs the ring.
The shop owner comes out and says, "What the hell happened?!"
The man points to the two men running down the street and says, "Them two bastards running down the road just robbed you!"
Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet. Ethan agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game.
After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces.
“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”
“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”
“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”
FROM THE VAULT:
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20.
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Written by Mark Twain and apparently his only limerick. You will have to work out the play on words . . .
A man hired by John Smith and Co.
Loudly declared that he'd tho.
Men that he saw
Dumping dirt near his door
The drivers, therefore, didn't do.
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."
"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."
"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.
"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said "DUCK, EGGS".
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Thursday, July 30, 2020
Nobody loves you when you're down and out
Nobody sees you when you're on cloud nine
Everybody's hustlin' for a buck and a dime
I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine
- John Lennon (1940-1980)
Song lyric, from "Nobody Loves You (when you're down and out)"
Just as one Herr Shicklegruber caused the name Adolf (and the toothbrush moustache) to become verboten in our modern age, so recent protests, publicity and instant dissemination via social media have caused the name “Karen” to become a pejorative term for white, entitled females, making its future as a baby name dubious.
We’ve all seen these Karens on the news: middle-aged women berating shop assistants and demanding to speak with the manager; calling the police for nonsense reasons, often with a racial bias; complaining at having to be quarantined free of charge in 5 star hotels or for having to wear masks.
Recent local Karens include:
- Bunnings Karen and Bunnings Karen 2.0, who refused to wear masks at Bunnings whilst shopping, complaining of violations of their rights when asked to do so and berating the shop assistants who politely requested that they comply with store policy.
- K Mart Karen in Victoria, who also refused to wear a mask because it was against her religion
- Brighton Karen (Victoria), who declared she was walking 10kms from her home because she was bored with walking in her own area, Brighton
The use of a female name as a derogatory terms is not new. In the US before Karen the name Becky was used to denote privileged and entitled white females, before that in the days of Jim Crow the epithet used by slaves to denote the privileged white women was “Miss Ann”.
One local Karen has lightheartedly, but seriously, said “Enough.” Her name is Karen Hayes and she is the CEO of Guide Dogs Victoria. This Karen, whose home city Melbourne remains in lockdown, made a Facebook video to proclaim that she is one of the 'good Karens'.
Her words are worthy of being more widely disseminated.
You can watch and hear her by clicking on:
Here is a transcript of what she said:
Hi, I’m the CEO of Guide Dogs Victoria and my name is . . . Karen.
But I’m one of the good Karens.
I wear my mask to protect others and help Australia get back to work sooner.
I don’t pet guide dogs when they’re working. I don’t throw my groceries out of my trolley like a toddler when I’m asked to sanitise my hands.
I respect the rights of indigenous Australians, and Live not yet “done all of Brighton”.
And no, I don’t want to speak to the manager, unlessI want to commend them, of course, on their fabulous frontline staff.
I’m here today to reclaim the name on behalf of the Karens who do the right thing during this pandemic/ The ones who self-isolate at the first sniffle or throat tickle, and the ones who don’t carry on down at Bunnings. Well, unless they don’t have any snags.
I know there are good Karens out there and it’s time we come together and show the world that it’s #NotAllKarens.
So I call on you, the Karens and Kazzas of the world, to unite as one and stand up as bright shining examples of the Karens you want to see in the world.
Be a good Karen.
Wear your masks.
Together we can stop the spread of CoronaKarens.
Don’t be a “Karen”, Karen
The Onya For the Day goes to Kazza “I’m not one of those Karens” Hayes . . .
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
For those not aware, New South Wales has a divided legal profession, Barristers and Solicitors. Some of the other Australian States have a fused profession where a person can be both at the same time. Not so in NSW where one has to be one or the other.
So what is the difference? Solicitors also appear in courts and tribunals but the higher the level of the court the more likely the appearances will be by barristers. Think GP's and specialists in the medical profession. Barristers mostly do court work (unkindly called "rent a mouth" by some) and give advice, both in conferences and by written opinions. Solicitors do the same but also carry out general office work, filing and service of documents, preparation of cases with the barrister and practice in fields that barristers don't: conveyancing, leasing, Wills and so on.
Barristers usually specialise in certain fields so that they become knowledgeable and expert in those areas. A solicitor engaging a barrister, whether for advice or for representation, is termed "briefing counsel".
In the higher courts barristers like to set themselves apart from the hoi polloi by wearing wigs and gowns, such that a day in the Supreme Court on mention and directions listing days (wall to wall barristers in the [pre-covid days) can often feel like one has been transported hundreds of years back in time.
I should not be too impolite since some barristers subscribe to Bytes and in that son Thomas is a member of the horsehair wig fraternity, specialising in criminal law.
Here is the tale of a less than successful barrister who ends up having to face a final judge . . .
The Briefless Barrister
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
Graham E has sent me a number of emails with some fascinating snippets of information and trivia.
Here are Graham’s unedited contributions.
Thanks, Mr G.
Hi Mr O,
Spotted a mention of this story and thought of you,
Australian artist and screenwriter Peter Rush, who moved to the coast from Sydney six months ago, set to work on his guerrilla sculptures under the cover of darkness.
Hi Mr O,
Watching the arrival of the secret police, naval conflict with China and now Air Force interference with Iran, reminded me of the expression “Wag the Dog“:
Wag the dog is, in politics, the act of creating a diversion from a damaging issue. It stems from the generic use of the term to mean a small and seemingly unimportant entity (the tail) controls a bigger, more important one (the dog). The phrase originates in the saying "a dog is smarter than its tail, but if the tail were smarter, then it would wag the dog”.
This was the premise of the 1997 American political satire black comedy film produced and directed by Barry Levinson and starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert De Nero.
The screenplay concerns a Spin doctor and a Hollywood producer who fabricate a war in Albania to distract voters from a presidential sex scandal. The screenplay by hHilary Henkin and David Mamet was loosely adapted from Larry Beinhart’s 1993 novel American Hero.
Wag the Dog was released one month before the outbreak of the Lewinsky scandal and the subsequent bombing of the Al-Shifa pharmaceutical factory in Sudan by the Clinton administration in August 1998, which prompted the media to draw comparisons between the film and reality. The comparison was also made in December 1998 when the administration initiated a bombing campaign of Iraq during Clinton's impeachment trial over the Lewinsky scandal. It was made again in the spring of 1999 when the administration intervened in the Kosovo War and initiated a bombing campaign against Yugoslavia, which coincidentally bordered Albania.
In January 2020, after the U.S. airstrike assassination of Iran's Gen. Soleimani, various references to Wag the Dog made the news. Many referred to Donald Trump's tweets from 2011-2012 suggesting then-President Barack Obama would essentially "wag the dog" to get re-elected, noting the hypocrisy of the current situation.
Now with the naval standoff in the South China Sea, the buzzing of civilian planes in Iraq and the impossible election playing against a pandemic and civil rights protests, could a fabricated war be far away ?
Hi Mr O,
Wondering if you have crossed paths with this cartoonist?
South Korean illustrator Hung Rae has a unique approach to his creative outlet. In his comics, this artist twists human roles with unexpected objects and animals. Have you ever imagined what would happen if karma really existed and we got treated the same as we treat non-human things in our lives?
(Can someone explain the above to me? Otto)
(Does this remind anyone else of The Fly? Otto)
Monday, July 27, 2020
Sunday, July 26, 2020
I have previously written about the annual European Tree of the Year. If you want to have a look at those past posts, click on the following links:
Nominees 2019, Part 1:
Nominees 2019, Part 2:
The winners of the 2020 Tree of the Year were announced in May, This was the tenth anniversary of the sear5ch for trees with the most interesting stories. According to Tree Hunter Rob McBride: “Old trees are the last traces of a vanished landscape. They are thus often the only living witnesses of our common European history.”
Here are the 16 finalists, counting down to 3rd, 2nd and 1st places, text and photos from the TOTY website at:
Name of tree: Oak Vallonea of Tricase
Species: Vallanea Oak
Age: 700 years
Region: Tricase, Puglia, Italy
Age: 700 years
Region: Tricase, Puglia, Italy
A place of dreamingThe Vallonea Oak of Tricase is the oldest tree of its species in Salento, with an age of 700 years and a crown of 700 square metres. Candidate to become an UNESCO site, in 2000 the WWF elected it the Apulian symbol tree. In many legends, it is thought to be the "Oak of the hundred knights" because it is said that Frederick II met his army under it. For centuries it has contributed to the development of the local economy and is still a very important point of reference for its people, under the thoughtful care of its owner and local community.
Name of tree: The Tree of Freedom
Age: 223 years
Region: Waret-La-Chaussee, Wallonia, Belgium
The Tree of Freedom of the Waret citizens, a symbol of the defence of our rural characterA tree is a true symbol of liberty. Liberty is rooted in the heart of the people like a tree thrusts its roots into the heart of the earth. The horse chestnut tree of the Waret citizens symbolises the defence of their rural character. It was planted in 1796 as ordered by the executive Directory of the Canton of Eghezée to celebrate the fall of the "tyrant" Louis XVI. In 1807 a stone niche was erected at its foot endowing it with a sacred character and an aura of tranquility.
Name of tree: The Venerable Oak in Novo Selo Village
Species: Common Oak
Age: About 500 years
Region: Village of Novo Selo, Veliko Tarnovo Municipality, Bulgaria
The Venerable Oak - a memory and symbol of Novo Selo village
The five-century-old oak, which is nowadays in the centre of the village, has been a silent witness to the building of the new settlement on the Balkans mountainside. The village of Novo selo appeared at the site of a former thick oak forest and swamps. The oak’s bark has kept and carried through the centuries the story of this village, built in 1750. In 2010, for the celebrations of its 260th anniversary, the local people planted a small oak near the old tree. They wanted to ensure that the “old man” - while still alive – will hand down the story of Novo selo to its younger heir. Oh, if only the oak could tell its story today…
Name of tree: Witch’s Yew Tree
Age: 600 years
Region: Blarney, Cork, Ireland
An ancient tree with a legendary story
The ancient Witch’s Yew Tree, situated in the Mythical Rock Close on the grounds of Blarney Castle Estate in Southern Ireland, has been estimated by experts to be in excess of 600 years old. This majestic and awe-inspiring specimen sits atop a natural outcrop of limestone rock, that houses the Witch's Kitchen, an 18th century folly that's said to be home of the Blarney Witch who first told mortals of the Blarney Stone’s magic powers and its ability to grant the gift of eloquence.
Name of tree: Elderberry Tree
Age: 200 years
Region: Rzeszow. Podkarpackie Province, Poland
Magic of nature
Sometimes there are peculiar things in our world. One of them is the 200-year-old elderberry tree growing in the center of Rzeszów. Usually elder is a shrub, so its tree-like form is a unique phenomenon. Centuries ago elderberry was considered by the Slavonic and Germanic nations as a sacred gift of nature. Even though our relationship with nature is no longer as strong as it used to be, residents spent a long time fighting to protect and preserve the beauty of this unusual tree.
Name of tree: The Multisecular Beech of Saint-Jammes
Species: European Beech
Age: 450 years
Region: Soreze, Occitania Region, South of France
The heritage tree of the Black Mountain
I am a colossal beech with a sculptural trunk, watching the ruins of the pre-Romanesque chapel of St-Jammes. At 450 years old I am the oldest tree in the Black Mountain having survived strong local winds and the French Revolution. I have seen many animals, pilgrims and hikers stopping by, and still am the place of an ancestral fertility rite. Leaning on my cane and facing the local History of this mountain, I have fascinated people locally and nationally by my presence, my aura of legends, my resilience and my vitality.
Name of tree: Precious Sorb Tree
Species: Sorb Tree
Age: 250 years
Region: Uzovska Panica, District Rimavska Sobota, Slovakia
This precious Sorb Tree was planted during the reign of Maria Theresia. Because of its robustness people used it as a boundary tree between the villages. The tree still bears large pink-yellow pear-shaped fruits. Sorbs are mysterious and rare in this region of Slovakia. Nowadays, a lone tree is just a memory of the former prosperous period of fruit growing in the region. Therefore it is a challenge for future generations to save existing precious trees and discover more that have been almost forgotten.
Name of tree: The Three-Legged Spanish Oak
Species: Holm Oak
Age: 1200 years
Region: Mendoza, Navarra, Spain
The oldest three-legged oak in the world
This oak is estimated at an approximate age of 1,200 years, which almost certainly makes it one of the oldest oaks in all of the Iberian Peninsula. It is also an emblem for Mendaza's neighbours. Its spectacular shape with a trunk that is completely hollow on the inside and supported only on three large legs, makes it very popular and the greatest landmark for all of the town's inhabitants. Many treat the tree much like a neighbour, making weekly trips up the mountain to “greet” him and ask questions as he is the oldest living thing in the town.
Name of tree: The Jerusalem Tree
Age: 2000 years
Region: Glastonbury, England
William Blake’s poem “Jerusalem”, later turned into a hymn, is based on the apocryphal story that Jesus travelled to England and visited Glastonbury during the unknown years. This is the tree upon which Blake based the first draft of the first stanza of his poem:
And did those feet in ancient time,
Walk upon England’s mountains green:
And did the holy Lamb of God,
Against a very big tree lean!
This was later changed to:
And did those feet in ancient time,
Walk upon England’s mountains green:
And was the holy Lamb of God,
On England’s pleasant pastures seen!
Nahh, just messing with you, that’s the tree at the front of my house.
Sorry about the quality of the pic, I had to take a pic off the screen from Google street view.
Trees 8 - 1 still to come.