FUNNY FRIDAY

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Good morning, Byters.

Son Elliot is marrying his sweetheart Helen next week, a lovely lass of Scottish origin, and people have been arriving from overseas for that event. So today’s theme is . . .  travel.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A traveler enters a pub.

The barkeep says, "Welcome! What are you drinking?" The traveler, weary from her long journey, responds simply, "Your finest ale, please." The barkeep tells her, "Brilliant." As he pours her a pint of his finest ale, he makes her an offer.

"Since you are a first time customer, I will offer you a gift I offer all of my first time customers." The traveler blushed and nodded at the bartender, who was easy on her eyes.

"You may choose either this first pint of ale is free or instead you may pay for the beer and I will give you a piece of valuable advice." The traveler pondered this for a moment, knowing her coin purse is light.

"Though my purse is light, barkeep, I am intrigued by your offer. I will pay for my ale, now please share the valuable advice." The barkeep grinned, counting the coins she had given him, looked her in the eye and said, "You should've taken the free pint."

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I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

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An overweight time traveler goes back in time to ancient Rome. He realizes he needs clothes to blend in to he goes to the nearest shop and asks the owner, "Do you have XL togas?" The owner relies "Yes but why so many?"

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A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.

He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.

Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

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A man is traveling in Scotland...

He stops one night in a small village and goes into the pub for a drink. He notices that one of the patrons is looking at him and is clearly drunk, after a few minutes he gets up and walk over to the traveler and in an angry voice says...

"Do you see the furniture in this pub? I crafted it all by hand, shaped and finished it to perfection but do they call me Colin the furniture maker? NO!" and he wanders back to his table and resumes drinking.

A few minutes later he walks up to the traveler again and in an even angrier voice says...

"Do you see that boat at the dock on the lake? I built that boat using planks from trees I cut down myself, I sawed and planed them with my own hands and used them to build a beautiful boat that has sailed this lake for years but, do they call me Colin the boatwright? NO!" and again he wanders back to his table.

Again, after few more minutes he walks over to the traveler and in a voice filled with rage he yells "Do you see that painting on the wall, I spent months getting all the colours and lighting just right so it's the most beautiful painting of our lake ever created by man, but do they call me Colin the artist? NO!... but you fuck just one sheep..."

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A traveling salesman is driving past a farmhouse when he sees a pig with a wooden leg.

This piques his curiosity, so he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.

"What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman.

"Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "That is no ordinary pig."

"One night about six months ago my house caught on fire. That pig came into the house, nudged me awake, and led me through the smoke to safety. That pig saved my life!"

"That really is some pig," the salesman agrees. "But why does he have a wooden leg?"

"Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A crossword compiler named Moss

Who found himself quite at a loss

When asked, 'Why so blue?'

Said, 'I haven't a clue

I'm 2 Down to put 1 Across.'

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GALLERY:

 

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RELIGION SPOT:

God decides to take a vacation...

So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."

God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."

So the agents says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."

God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."

The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"

God thinks about it again before saying, "No... I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they've been talking about it ever since."

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CORN CORNER:

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In the Old West, cowboys travelling home in the dark used to tie a lantern to their horse's saddle to help them find their way.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.

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Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

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I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

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A Jewish Optimist and a Jewish Pessimist read a newspaper.

The Jewish Pessimist says “things can’t possibly get worse.” The Jewish Optimist responds: “of course they can!”

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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

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I’ve told my friend that I’ve spent only $98 at IKEA

He complimented me for my great self-restraint.

To be honest, I couldn’t have eaten another hot dog.

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