Friday, July 11, 2025
FUNNY FRIDAY
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Today’s theme: Animals
Enjoy.
Caution: risqué content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
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In America, dogs are K9...
In China, dogs are E10.
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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they.... lactose.....
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A blonde sees a cow with no horns so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"
The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and too dangerous to handle and be around. Yet another reason is because sometimes when they are calves we put a type of acid where the horns are growing and this stops the horns from forming."
The blonde then points and asks, "OK, but what about that cow, why doesn't it have any horns?"
The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, the reason why THAT particular cow has no horns is because it's a horse."
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
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London Zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her.
The zoo administrators remember that one of their zoo-keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred pounds?
O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions: "First, dere's to be no kissin’. Second, if dere’s any children, dey have to be raised Roman Cat'lic."
The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "You've got to give me some time to come up wit' de five hundred quid...."
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A scorpion wants to cross a river, but he can't swim. He goes to a frog, who can, and asks for a ride. The frog says, "If I give you a ride on my back, you'll go and sting me." The scorpion replies, "It would not be in my interest to sting you since as I'll be on your back we both would drown." The frog thinks about this logic for a while and accepts the deal.
He takes the scorpion on his back, braves the waters nut halfway over feels a burning spear in his side and realizes the scorpion has stung him after all. And as they both sink beneath the waves the frog cries out, "Why did you sting me, Mr. Scorpion, for now we both will drown?" The ccorpion replies, "I can't help it, it's in my nature."
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The meaning of the story is clear: creatures (including people) will remain true to their natures, irrespective of external influences. The frog takes the scorpion at its word and agrees to transport the scorpion, notwithstanding that there is nothing in it for the frog. The scorpion on the other hand will remain true to its dangerous innate nature, even though it is treated with trust and kindness.
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Alternative version . . .
A scorpion on the bank of the Nile asked a frog to ferry him to the other side. “Oh no,” the frog said. “You would sting me.” “That’s ridiculous,” the scorpion replied. “I won’t sting you, because I can’t swim, and I would drown as well as you.” Convinced, the frog took the scorpion on his back and began to swim the river. In midstream the scorpion’s lethal urge became too strong and he plunged his stinger into the frog’s neck. The stricken frog groaned and asked, “Why, why did you do that? Now we’re both going to die.”
As they both sank under the water the scorpion gave his final shrug and replied “This is the Middle East.”
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was a young fellow called Bliss
Whose sex life was sadly amiss.
On night flights with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis.
Would seldom do better than
t
h
i
s
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CORN CORNER:
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When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
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My wife just dumped me because of my "stupid comparisons."
I feel like a china shop in a cow field.
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I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike. She gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
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What is the difference between a raven and a crow?
A raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
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ON THIS DAY
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July 11, 1405
Zheng starts first major mission
The Ming treasure voyages, under the command of Zheng, were maritime expeditions undertaken by Ming China's treasure fleet between 1405 and 1433. Seven far-reaching ocean voyages were undertaken to the coastal territories and islands of the South China Sea and Indian Ocean, the first starting on this day in 1405.
Zheng first voyage in 1405 involved a massive fleet of 317 ships, including 62 "treasure ships". This fleet, carrying nearly 28,000 crew members, embarked from Liujiagang and set sail for Southeast Asia, the Indian Ocean, and East Africa, showcasing China's naval power and fostering trade.
A more detailed breakdown:
Size of the Fleet: The fleet consisted of 317 ships, including 62 large "treasure ships".
Crew: Approximately 27,800 men served on the fleet.
Purpose: The voyages were intended to display China's power, culture, and to establish trade relations with foreign nations.
Destinations: The fleet visited Brunei, Java, Siam (Thailand), Southeast Asia, India, the Horn of Africa, and Arabia.
Treasure Ships: These were the largest vessels in the fleet, used by Zheng He and his deputies, and were equipped to carry gifts for foreign rulers and valuable goods.
Other Ships: The fleet also included equine ships carrying horses, supply ships, troop transports, warships, and patrol boats.
Significance: Zheng He's voyages were the largest and most advanced of their time, demonstrating China's maritime capabilities and influence.
Scale model of Zheng's ship compared to Columbus's vessel.
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Thursday, July 10, 2025
MANDELA EFFECT
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What is it?
The phenomenon of the Mandela Effect is when specific false memories can sometimes be shared by a large group of people.
The term "Mandela Effect" was first coined in 2009 by Fiona Broome when she created a website to detail her observance of the phenomenon. Broome was at a conference talking with other people about how she remembered the tragedy of former South African president Nelson Mandela's death in a South African prison in the 1980s.
However, Nelson Mandela did not die in the 1980s in a prison—he passed away in 2013. As Broome began to talk to other people about her memories, she learned that she was not alone. Others remembered seeing news coverage of his death as well as a speech by his widow.
However, false memories of Mandela's death could be explained as the subject conflating him with Steve Biko, another prominent South African anti-apartheid activist, who died in prison in 1977.
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What are some examples?
One well-documented example of shared false memories comes from a 2010 study that examined people familiar with the clock at Bologna Centrale railway station, which was damaged in a bombing in August 1980. In the study, 92% of respondents falsely remembered the clock had remained stopped since the bombing, when, in fact, the clock was repaired shortly after the attack. Years later, the clock was again stopped and set to the time of the explosion, in observance and commemoration of the bombing.
The Bologna station clock in Italy, subject of a collective false memory
Other examples include:
Memories of the respective title component of the Berenstain Bears children's books being spelled "Berenstein".
The logo of clothing brand Fruit of the Loom featuring a cornucopia:
Darth Vader telling Luke Skywalker, "Luke, I am your father" in the climax of The Empire Strikes Back (he actually says, "No, I am your father" in response to Skywalker's assertion that Vader killed his father).
Mr. Monopoly wearing a monocle.
When Sally Field won an Oscar in 1985, her acceptance speech included the oft-repeated, oft-parodied line "You like me, you really like me!" Except, what she actually said was "I can't deny the fact that you like me, right now, you like me."
Children of the '90s probably owe their false memory to Jim Carrey's parody of the line in his film The Mask, when his character utters the line "You love me, you really love me" in clear homage to Field's speech.
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What is the explanation?
From:
Confabulation
Confabulation involves your brain filling in gaps that are missing in your memories to make more sense of them. This isn't lying, but rather remembering details that never happened. Confabulation tends to increase with age.
Misleading Post-Event Information
Information that you learn after an event can change your memory of an event. This includes event subtle information and helps to explain why eyewitness testimony can be unreliable.
Priming
Priming describes the factors leading up to an event that affects our perception of it. Also called suggestibility and presupposition, priming is the difference between asking how short a person is, versus how tall a person is. Saying, "Did you see the black car?" instead of "...a black car?" makes a subtle suggestion that influences response and memory.
In essence, memories are vulnerable bits of information stored in the brain that can be changed over time. While we assume that our memories are accurate, this is not necessarily the case.
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Has the internet had a role?
From the above site:
The role of the internet in influencing the memories of the masses should not be underestimated. It's probably no coincidence that consideration of the Mandela effect has grown in this digital age.
The internet is a powerful way to spread information, and with this spreading of information comes the potential for misconceptions and falsehoods to gain traction. People then begin to create communities based around these falsehoods and what was once in the imagination starts to seem factual.5
In fact, in a large study of over 100,000 news stories discussed across Twitter, conducted over a period of 10 years, showed that hoaxes and rumors won out over the truth every time by about 70%.
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“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
- Incorrectly attributed to Winston Churchill, numerous similar statements from various authors, beginning with Jonathon Swift
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ON THIS DAY
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July 10, 1925
Scopes Monkey Trial begins
The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes, commonly known as the Scopes trial or Scopes Monkey Trial, was an American legal case from July 10 to July 21, 1925, in which a high school teacher, John T. Scopes, was accused of violating the Butler Act, a Tennessee state law which outlawed the teaching of human evolution in public schools.
The trial was deliberately staged in order to attract publicity to the small town of Dayton, Tennessee, where it was held. Scopes was unsure whether he had ever actually taught evolution, but he incriminated himself deliberately so the case could have a defendant.
Scopes was represented by the American Civil Liberties Union, which had offered to defend anyone accused of violating the Butler Act in an effort to challenge the constitutionality of the law.
Scopes was found guilty and was fined $100 (equivalent to $1,800 in 2024), but the verdict was overturned on a technicality.
William Jennings Bryan, a three-time presidential candidate and former secretary of state, argued for the prosecution, while famed labor and criminal lawyer Clarence Darrow served as the principal defense attorney for Scopes.
The trial became a nationally publicized clash between religious fundamentalism and modern science, highlighting the conflict between traditional and modern values in America.
It also served its purpose of drawing intense national publicity and highlighted the growing influence of mass media, having been covered by news outlets around the country and being the first trial in American history to be nationally broadcast by radio.
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Wednesday, July 9, 2025
WEIRD WEDNESDAY
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Donkey Kong is a video game series and media franchise created by the Japanese game designer Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. It follows the adventures of Donkey Kong, a large, powerful gorilla, and other members of the Kong family of apes.
So why is a gorilla named Donkey Kong?
The ‘Kong’ is an obvious reference to King Kong.
It is said that the ‘Donkey’ came about because of a mistranslation of ‘Monkey Kong’ but this is at odds with what Miyamoto has repeatedly stated, that he used the word "donkey" to convey a sense of stubbornness. He believed “donkey” meant “stupid” in English and wanted to convey the impression that the character was a “Stupid Ape.”
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When George W Bush took office, aides found that the Clinton administration had removed the “W” keys from the computer keyboards, a critical problem given their boss' name is George W. Bush, and he is often referred to simply as "W," to distinguish him from his presidential dad. Some keyboards did have W keys, but they lacked a working spring beneath them or were otherwise broken. In what was clearly a prank, some W keys were located atop extremely high door frames.
When asked his reaction, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer replied, "It would have been 'Wow.' But the W was removed, so now it's just, 'Oh.'"
Source:
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Christina O is a private motor yacht that once belonged to billionaire Greek shipowner Aristotle Onassis. At 99.13 metres long, she was the 59th largest yacht in the world as of 2022.
Although remodelled, the yacht retains Onassis’s bar stools upholstered in whale foreskins and whales’ teeth carved into pornographic scenes from the Odyssey.
Source:
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Speaking of whales, Moby Dick was based on a real life sperm whale called Mocha Dick.
Mocha Dick (died 1838) was a rogue albino male sperm whale that lived in the southeastern Pacific Ocean in the early 19th century, usually encountered in the waters near Mocha Island, off the central coast of Chile. American explorer and author J. N. Reynolds published an account of the whale in Mocha Dick, Or The White Whale of the Pacific: A Leaf from a Manuscript Journal.
Mocha Dick survived many skirmishes (by Reynolds' account at least 100) with whalers before he was eventually killed.
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Lulach (1032 – 1058) was the stepson of Macbeth, the son of Lady Macbeth’s first marriage, who became King of Scotland after the death of Macbeth.
King only for 15 August 1057 to 17 March 1058, he was a weak king known variously as Lulach the Unfortunate, the Simple-minded, the Fool and the Idiot.
He was assassinated and usurped by Malcolm III.
Source:
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As a teenager, Puccini stole organ pipes from his town's cathedral and sold them to buy cigarettes. As church organist, he rearranged the music to avoid playing the missing notes.
Source:
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The production of foie gras (the liver of a duck or a goose that has been specially fattened) involves the force-feeding of birds with more food than they would eat in the wild, and more than they would voluntarily eat domestically. The feed, usually corn boiled with fat (to facilitate ingestion), deposits large amounts of fat in the liver, thereby producing the fatty consistency sought by some gastronomes.
Hitler and his Nazi government banned foie gras production in 1933, shortly after coming to power, historically becoming the first nation to ban production.
Hitler, a vegetarian, and his Nazis, even used their respect for the rights of animals to justify the oppression of the Jewish people.
Source:
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ON THIS DAY
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July 9, 1960
First US nuclear submarine launched
USS Thresher (SSN-593), launched this day in 1960, was the lead boat of her class of nuclear-powered attack submarines in the United States Navy.
On 10 April 1963, Thresher sank during deep-diving tests about 350 km (220 mi) east of Cape Cod, Massachusetts, killing all 129 crew and shipyard personnel aboard. Her loss was a watershed for the U.S. Navy, leading to the implementation of a rigorous submarine safety program known as SUBSAFE.
The first nuclear submarine lost at sea, Thresher was also the third of four submarines lost with more than 100 people aboard, the others being the French Surcouf, sinking with 130 personnel in 1942, USS Argonaut, lost with 102 aboard in 1943, and Russian Kursk, which sank with 118 aboard in 2000.
Created to find and destroy Soviet submarines, Thresher was the fastest and quietest submarine of its day, matching the smaller, contemporary Skipjack class. She also had the most advanced weapons system, including launchers for the U.S. Navy's newest anti-submarine missile, the SUBROC, as well as passive and active sonar that could detect vessels at unprecedented range.
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Tuesday, July 8, 2025
FROM THE VAULT
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From Bytes, Tuesday, November 15, 2016
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"May you live in interesting times."
This expression is actually not a blerssing or commentary but a Chinese curse.
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Some comments:
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From Wikipedia:
“While seemingly a blessing, the expression is always used ironically, with the clear implication that 'uninteresting times', of peace and tranquillity, are more life-enhancing than interesting ones, which from historical perspective usually include disorder and conflict.”
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The Phrase Finder, a wonderful site on word and phrase origins, describes the meaning of the phrase as “May you experience much disorder and trouble in your life.”
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Although commonly referred to as an ancient Chinese curse, there is no equivalent expression in Chinese. Instead, it is now believed, it originated in about the beginning of the 20th century (beginning as living in “an interesting age”) and that it was mistakenly attributed as a Chinese curse by politicians using it in the mid 1930’s.
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The phrase is also reputedly the first of three Chinese curses of increasing severity:
May you live in interesting times.
May you come to the attention of those in authority.
May you find what you are looking for.
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The saying was used by Robert F. Kennedy in his Day of Affirmation Address in Cape Town, South Africa, in 1966:
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The saying was also used by Hillary Clinton in her memoirs Living History, in 2003:
There’s an old Chinese curse, “May you live in interesting times,” that became a running joke in our family. Bill and I would ask each other, “Well, are you having an interesting time yet?”
Donald Sutherland's character in the film Disclosure says during a speech to his company, "The Chinese say, 'May you live in interesting times.' Well this has been the most interesting merger since my second marriage."
ON THIS DAY
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July 8, 1949
Prohibition of mixed marriages in South Africa
The Prohibition of Mixed Marriages Act, which began this day in 1949, was an apartheid-era law in South Africa that prohibited marriages between "whites" and "non-whites".
It was among the first pieces of apartheid legislation to be passed following the National Party's rise to power in 1948. Subsequent legislation, especially the Population Registration and Immorality Acts of 1950, facilitated its implementation by requiring all individuals living in South Africa to register as a member of one of four officially defined racial groups and prohibiting extramarital sexual relationships between those classified as "white" on the one hand and those classified as "non-White" (Blacks, Coloureds, later also Asians) on the other.
The Prohibition of Mixed Marriages Act was repealed by the Immorality and Prohibition of Mixed Marriages Amendment Act, 1985, which was passed during the presidency of P. W. Botha.
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Sunday, July 6, 2025
ON THESE DAYS
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My apologies once again for not hving posted Bytes for a few days, which was due to my being unwell.
For those not aware, I have been battling throat cancer for the last 4 years (no, I stopped smoking 24 years ago) and receiving various forms of treatment - radiotherapy, chemotherapy, immuontherapy, surgery. I am currently receiving weekly doses of a different chemical as part of a clinical trial. Whilst the prognosis is hopeful, there are some side effects which can at times be somewhat brutal abd knock one around. This was one of those times.
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Rather than posting a belated Funny Friday etc and not wanting to lose the continuing thread of On This Day, below is the one missed and the current instalment.
Enjoy
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July 5, 1996
Dolly the cloned sheep born
Dolly was part of a series of experiments at The Roslin Institute that were trying to develop a better method for producing genetically modified livestock. If successful, this would mean fewer animals would need to be used in future experiments. Scientists at Roslin also wanted to learn more about how cells change during development and whether a specialised cell, such as a skin or brain cell, could be used to make a whole new animal.
Dolly was cloned from a cell taken from the mammary gland of a six-year-old Finn Dorset sheep and an egg cell taken from a Scottish Blackface sheep. She was born to her Scottish Blackface surrogate mother on 5th July 1996. Dolly’s white face was one of the first signs that she was a clone because if she was genetically related to her surrogate mother, she would have had a black face.
Because Dolly’s DNA came from a mammary gland cell, she was named after the country singer Dolly Parton. 😂
Dolly was important because she was the first mammal to be cloned from an adult cell. Her birth proved that specialised cells could be used to create an exact copy of the animal they came from. This knowledge changed what scientists thought was possible and opened up a lot of possibilities in biology and medicine, including the development of personalised stem cells.
However, Dolly was not the first ever cloned mammal. That honour belongs to another sheep which was cloned from an embryo cell and born in 1984 in Cambridge, UK. Two other sheep, Megan and Morag, had also been cloned from embryonic cells grown in the lab at The Roslin Institute in 1995 and six other sheep, cloned from embryonic and foetal cells, were born at Roslin at the same time as Dolly.
What made Dolly so special was that she had been made from an adult cell, which no-one at the time thought was possible.
Dolly and her surrogate mother
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July 6, 1942
Anne Frank and family go into hiding
Annelies Marie Frank (12 June 1929 – c. February or March 1945) was a German-born Jewish girl and diarist. She gained worldwide fame posthumously for keeping a diary documenting her life in hiding during the German occupation of the Netherlands. In the diary, she regularly described her family's everyday life in their hiding place in an Amsterdam attic from 1942 until their arrest in 1944.
Their going into hiding occurred on this day in 1942.
Following detection and arrest, Anne Frank died at the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp in February or March 1945. Although the specific cause is unknown, there is evidence to suggest that she died from a typhus epidemic that spread through the camp, killing 17,000 prisoners. Gena Turgel, a survivor of Bergen-Belsen who knew Anne at the camp, told the British newspaper The Sun: "Her bed was around the corner from me. She was delirious, terrible, burning up." She also mentioned that she had brought Anne water with which to wash. Turgel, who worked in the camp hospital, added that the epidemic took a terrible toll on the inmates: "The people were dying like flies—in the hundreds. Reports used to come in—500 people who died. Three hundred? We said, 'Thank God, only 300.'"
“In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.”― Anne Frank, from her diary
Frank in May 1942, two months before she and her family went into hiding
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Friday, July 4, 2025
FUNNY FRIDAY
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Hello Byters and readers.
An emphasis on Rabbinic humour today, only because I find it funny. Hope you do as well, that is why some have been repeated by being brought out of the vault.
Enjoy.
Caution: risqué content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"
The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."
The rabbi asked, "And then?"
The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."
The rabbi again asked, "And then?"
The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!"
The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?"
The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?"
The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"
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Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....
What do I do next?
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A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.
The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.
The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."
"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"
The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."
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A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favourite with humans.
The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us, the canine. Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”
The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”
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An oldie which I have repeated numerous times but still funny . . .
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
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On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.
A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him.
The young man was excited and decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his wife.
"I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20 dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!"
"In the next race, there was a horse named 'Stetson' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!"
"So did you bring the money home?" asked his wife.
"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favourite so I bet everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing."
"You fool!" said the wife. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!'" Exasperated, his wifer then asked, "So who won the race?"
"A real long shot," said the man. "Some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulke'!"
__________
A man received a notice from the tax office that he was being audited.
He asked his accountant what he should wear to the meeting with the tax office representative. The accountant said, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor."
The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer said “No. No. Show them you're a successful professional. Wear your best suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi and asked for advice.
"Let me tell you a story," the rabbi said.
"Last week I was to marry a young woman. She came to me and asked what she should wear to bed on her wedding night. Her mother had told her 'Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. Make him realise how virtuous you are.' But her best friend said, 'Wear a sexy negligee.' My son, I am going to give you the same advice that I gave to her: ‘It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get fucked.’ “
__________
A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”
---- 😊😊😊 -----
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
From the vault:
A rabbi from far-off Peru
Was desperately trying to screw.
His wife said, “Oy vey!
If you keep on this way
The Messiah will come before you.”
---- 😊😊😊 -----
GALLERY:
---- 😊😊😊 -----
CORN CORNER:
_________
A photographer was injured when a huge chunk of cheddar fell on him.
All the people in the picture were trying to warn him.
__________
I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf
__________
I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand.
I'm ambi-dextrose.
__________
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
---- 😊😊😊 ----
ON THIS DAY
----------ooOoo----------
July 4, 1865:
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland published
Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland was published on this day.
However, illustrator John Tenniel was displeased with the printing of his illustrations - smudges, bleeding through on the pages and blotting on the illustrations. Lewis Carroll therefore decided to recall this first edition. Currently only 22 known copies remain, of which only 10 are in their original bindings, worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.
----------ooOoo----------
Thursday, July 3, 2025
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