FUNNY FRIDAY

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Good morning, Byters.

Son Elliot is marrying his sweetheart Helen next week, a lovely lass of Scottish origin, and people have been arriving from overseas for that event. So today’s theme is . . .  travel.

Caution: risqué content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:

__________

A traveler enters a pub.

The barkeep says, "Welcome! What are you drinking?" The traveler, weary from her long journey, responds simply, "Your finest ale, please." The barkeep tells her, "Brilliant." As he pours her a pint of his finest ale, he makes her an offer.

"Since you are a first time customer, I will offer you a gift I offer all of my first time customers." The traveler blushed and nodded at the bartender, who was easy on her eyes.

"You may choose either this first pint of ale is free or instead you may pay for the beer and I will give you a piece of valuable advice." The traveler pondered this for a moment, knowing her coin purse is light.

"Though my purse is light, barkeep, I am intrigued by your offer. I will pay for my ale, now please share the valuable advice." The barkeep grinned, counting the coins she had given him, looked her in the eye and said, "You should've taken the free pint."

__________

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

__________

An overweight time traveler goes back in time to ancient Rome. He realizes he needs clothes to blend in to he goes to the nearest shop and asks the owner, "Do you have XL togas?" The owner relies "Yes but why so many?"

__________

A man was speeding down an Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"

__________

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

__________

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.

He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair.

Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

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A man is traveling in Scotland...

He stops one night in a small village and goes into the pub for a drink. He notices that one of the patrons is looking at him and is clearly drunk, after a few minutes he gets up and walk over to the traveler and in an angry voice says...

"Do you see the furniture in this pub? I crafted it all by hand, shaped and finished it to perfection but do they call me Colin the furniture maker? NO!" and he wanders back to his table and resumes drinking.

A few minutes later he walks up to the traveler again and in an even angrier voice says...

"Do you see that boat at the dock on the lake? I built that boat using planks from trees I cut down myself, I sawed and planed them with my own hands and used them to build a beautiful boat that has sailed this lake for years but, do they call me Colin the boatwright? NO!" and again he wanders back to his table.

Again, after few more minutes he walks over to the traveler and in a voice filled with rage he yells "Do you see that painting on the wall, I spent months getting all the colours and lighting just right so it's the most beautiful painting of our lake ever created by man, but do they call me Colin the artist? NO!... but you fuck just one sheep..."

__________

A traveling salesman is driving past a farmhouse when he sees a pig with a wooden leg.

This piques his curiosity, so he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.

"What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman.

"Let me tell you about that pig," says the farmer. "That is no ordinary pig."

"One night about six months ago my house caught on fire. That pig came into the house, nudged me awake, and led me through the smoke to safety. That pig saved my life!"

"That really is some pig," the salesman agrees. "But why does he have a wooden leg?"

"Well," says the farmer, "a pig like that you don't eat all at once."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A crossword compiler named Moss

Who found himself quite at a loss

When asked, 'Why so blue?'

Said, 'I haven't a clue

I'm 2 Down to put 1 Across.'

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GALLERY:

 

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RELIGION SPOT:

God decides to take a vacation...

So he goes to his travel agent to get some recommendations. God asks the agent where he should go and the agent says, "How about the Moon? It's supposed to be all the rage right now."

God thinks about it and says, "No... I'd like to go somewhere with a little more atmosphere."

So the agents says, "Okay, well how about Mars? It's really nice this time of year."

God considers it for a second and then says, "No... I'd really like to go somewhere with water."

The agent goes, "Oh well I've got the perfect place, how about Earth? It's got beautiful water and lots of atmosphere!"

God thinks about it again before saying, "No... I went there a couple thousand years ago and knocked up some Jewish girl and they've been talking about it ever since."

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CORN CORNER:

__________

In the Old West, cowboys travelling home in the dark used to tie a lantern to their horse's saddle to help them find their way.

It was an early form of saddle-light navigation.

__________

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

__________

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

__________

A Jewish Optimist and a Jewish Pessimist read a newspaper.

The Jewish Pessimist says “things can’t possibly get worse.” The Jewish Optimist responds: “of course they can!”

__________

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

__________

I’ve told my friend that I’ve spent only $98 at IKEA

He complimented me for my great self-restraint.

To be honest, I couldn’t have eaten another hot dog.

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WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE

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Continuing a look at the events and people in Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire.

Each two lines represent a year.

Relevant verse:

Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac

Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, "Bridge on the River Kwai"

Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball

Starkweather homicide, children of thalidomide

Buddy Holly, "Ben Hur", space monkey, Mafia

Hula hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go

U-2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy

Chubby Checker, "Psycho", Belgians in the Congo

1959:

Ben-Hur

The 1959 flick Ben-Hur collected 11 Oscars, including the biggies: Best Pic, Best Director and Best Actor.

Some facts and trivia . . .

(Sorry people, I have not converted the imperial figures to metric)

At $15m, it was the most expensive film made to that date.

MGM first announced it was planning a remake of the 1925 silent classic "Ben-Hur" (based, in turn, on Lew Wallace's best-selling 1880 novel) in late 1952. Over the next few years, the studio continued to float possible versions of the project but development didn't kick into gear until 1956, when Paramount's "The Ten Commandments" proved the profitability of a massive Biblical epic.

It is the only Hollywood production to be included in the list of films approved by the Vatican in the category of religion.

During the filming, director William Wyler noticed that one of the extras was missing a hand. He made a request to the makeup department to build him a prosthesis that has a false bone sticking out to cover the man's stump for the scene in which a pirate ship. He did the same thing with another actor who was missing a foot.

Paul Newman was offered the role of Ben-Hur, but he turned it down because he had already made a biblical film, The Silver Chalice (1954), and he hated the experience. He also said that he “did not have legs to wear a tunic”.

The 300 sets that were built for the film required five years of research and 14 months of work.

Out of reverence, the face of Jesus Christ is never shown on screen during "Ben-Hur," and the actor playing him is not credited in the film. It was opera singer Claude Heater, an American tenor the filmmakers had discovered during a concert in Rome.

At first, director William Wyler (pictured, far right) turned down "Ben-Hur" because he didn't think much of the script, but he ultimately decided that the story was interesting enough, and the Biblical epic genre offered him a chance to one-up "Ten Commandments" director Cecil B. DeMille. (Apparently, the two Hollywood titans hated each other.) Plus, MGM offered him the biggest payday a Hollywood director had ever earned up to that time: $350,000 plus 8 percent of the gross or 3 percent of the net profits, whichever was greater.

With 2 hours, 1 minute and 23 seconds, the protagonist's performance in this film is the longest ever to win an Academy Award for Best Actor and the second longest to win in any category.

Actor Stephen Boyd (Messala, Roman tribune) used platforms on his shoes to make his height more like that of Charlton Heston.

Originally, the film was intended to be made in 1956 with Marlon Brando in the title role.

The chariot race required 15,000 extras on a set constructed on 18 acres of backlot at Cinecitta Studios outside Rome. Tour buses visited the set every hour. Eighteen chariots were built, with half being used for practice. The race took five weeks to film.

During the 18-day auction of MGM props, costumes and memorabilia that took place in May 1970 when new studio owner Kirk Kerkorian was liquidating the studio's assets, a Sacramento restaurateur paid $4,000 for a chariot used in the film. Three years later, during the energy crisis, he was arrested for driving the chariot on the highway.

The chariot race has a 263-to-1 cutting ratio (263 feet of film for every one foot used), probably the highest for any 65mm sequence ever filmed.

Kirk Douglas was offered the role of Messala but turned it down, because he didn't want to play a "second-rate baddie". Douglas wanted to play Judah Ben-Hur, whose Jewishness appealed to him, but he was too old and Charlton Heston had already been cast. The experience motivated Douglas to develop his own epic, Spartacus (1960), which was partially designed to compete against this film.

Wyler had been thinking of Heston to play the villain Messala. But when he moved into the lead, and Kirk Douglas and Stewart Granger turned down the role of Judah's Roman friend-turned-rival, it fell to Irish actor Stephen Boyd, then all-but-unknown in Hollywood. Since both stars had blue eyes, Wyler had Boyd wear brown contact lenses for the sake of contrast.

Burt Lancaster turned the part of Judah Ben-Hur down because he found the script dull and disparaging toward Christianity.

Gore Vidal, one of several high-profile script doctors who revised Karl Tunberg's screenplay, claimed he'd inserted a homoerotic subtext into the friendship between Judah and Messala, and that Messala's motivation when he turns against Judah is that of a spurned lover. Vidal claimed he broached the idea to Wyler, who thought about it a while and then agreed but told Vidal not to mention it to Heston because "Chuck will fall apart."

In his memoir, Heston disputed Vidal's claims about the possible homoerotic feelings of Messala towards Judah and dismissed his contributions to the script. Vidal's response to Heston's denial was, more or less, "He would, wouldn't he?" (MDRA – Mandy Rice Davies applies). Scholars continue to argue over the claims, but watch Boyd and Heston's scenes together and decide for yourself.

The production design included 1 million props, 100,000 costumes, and 300 sets that were built out of 1 million pounds of plaster and 40,000 cubic feet of lumber.

For the movie's centerpiece sequence, the chariot race, the producers built what was then the biggest movie set ever constructed. The arena, an accurate duplicate of an actual Roman stadium outside Jerusalem, was five stories tall and big enough to enclose a track 2000 feet long and 65 feet wide. There were actually two such tracks, one built outside of camera range for the horses and riders to train and rehearse. For the track surface, some 40,000 tons of white sand were imported from Mexico. The arena cost $1 million to build and spanned 18 acres on the Cinecittà lot.

Heston and Boyd spent weeks training to steer the four-horse chariot teams; in most of the shots, that's really the two stars at the reins. In the Roman summer heat, the horses could complete only about eight laps per day, and the sequence took five weeks to shoot over the course of three months.

Wyler left oversight of the chariot race sequence to second unit director Andrew Marton and legendary stuntman Yakima Canutt. (An assistant director on the sequence was future spaghetti-western maestro Sergio Leone.) Joe Canutt, the stunt coordinator's son, was Heston's double. During a notorious, heart-stopping moment, Joe was thrown forward out of the chariot, onto its lip. Yakima was certain that his son had been killed, but Joe managed to climb back into the chariot and retake the reins, suffering only a deep cut on his chin. The footage remains in the completed film.

During the shoot, Boyd married Italian-born studio executive Mariella Di Sarzana. But they separated after three weeks and divorced in early 1959.

The filmmakers felt the usual roaring-lion opening that preceded all MGM movies didn't fit the reverent tone of the nativity scene that begins "Ben-Hur." Studio brass agreed and permitted Leo to roar silently for the first time.

The epic proved an instant hit, grossing an incredible $147 million worldwide during its initial run. At the time, that made it the second-highest grossing film ever, behind only "Gone With the Wind." It was also more than profitable enough to rescue the troubled MGM from looming bankruptcy.

"Ben-Hur" generated another $20 million from merchandising, including books, toys, candy, perfume, neckties, jewellery, gowns, chariot-shaped tricycles, and "Ben-Her" and "Ben-His" bathroom towels. Apparently, the reverence that hid Jesus's face and hushed Leo's roar went only so far.

Executive producer Sam Zimbalist died in Rome of a heart attack during the shoot. He was 54. He is the only producer ever to win Oscar's top prize posthumously.

No film has ever won more Oscars than "Ben-Hur," though "Titanic" and "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" have tied it.

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some Friday humour with a religious bent, but as usual a caution that there is some risque content included.

Enjoy, Byters.

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SOME HUMOUR:

__________

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.

For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.

And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

__________

A wise man once said . . .

“Suck my tongue”

__________

When my wife starts to sing, I always go outside and do some garden work....

so our neighbours can see there's no domestic violence going on.

__________

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and... OH, MY GOD1 A scream then silence followed, Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!".

One Irish passenger yelled... "For Christ's sake you should see the back of mine!!!"

__________

Did you hear about that weird religious leader going around French kissing alpacas?

You know, the Dalai Llama

__________

The Dalai Lama walked into a pizzeria. . .

He asked them to make him one with everything.

__________

How does the Dalai Lama send emails?

With no attachments.

__________

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day you can find the answer to put the duck into the bottle without harming it, you will find true enlightenment. I will come visit you in one week's time and check on your progress."

One week later, the man is visited again by the Dalai Lama. The man has had no luck, just is staring at the two. Bags are forming under his eyes.

"Sir, I cannot do this."

The Dalai Lama laughs and says,

"I will give you two weeks more."

Then he leaves.

Two weeks later, the man is exhausted. Charts and chalkboards are filled out and thrown around the room. He has textbooks littered everywhere from him researching physics, chemistry, any other subject he can think of that might give a hint to an answer. Alas, the man finds none.

The Dalai Lama laughs and tells the man that in one month, he will return again.

Another month passes, the Dalai Lama is walking to the house when he sees the man on his porch, smoking a cigar, drinking a scotch, and chuckling when he sees the man who gave him the duck and bottle close to two months prior.

The Dalai Lama looks at him and smiles.

"I see you found the answer, my child?"

The man grins and yells,

"Not my duck, not my bottle, not my fucking problem!"

(True enlightenment, readers).

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Taking a wee break from the golf course, a famous golfer was on tour in Scotland where he wasn't well known and stopped with his Mercedes at a petrol station.

An attendant greets him with typical Scottish hospitality, unaware who the golf pro is: "Top o' the mornin to ya."

As the golfer gets out of the car two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies the golfer.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Scotsman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies the golf pro.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A concert conductor in Rio

Fell in love with a lady called Cleo;

As she took down her panties,

He said: "No andantes!

I want it allegro con brio!"

Andante: a musical term meaning moderately slow

Allegro con brio: a musical term meaning fast tempo and with spirit

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

__________

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.

Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.

As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.

It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.

With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.

As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."

Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."

__________

Wife: Okay. Here’s what’s got to change. I’m sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!

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HALLOWEEN

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Halloween Facts and Trivia

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The White House was first decorated for Halloween in 1958.

Mamie Eisenhower decorated the White House for Halloween for the first time. She decked out the State Dining Room in twinkle lights, shocks of dried corn, jack-o'-lanterns and autumnal flower arrangements for a lunch for wives of staff members. Things took a spooky turn outside the dining room, though: Black cats, owls, witch heads and goblins hung from chandeliers in the foyer.

__________

Halloween colours.

In the first few years of the 20th century, there were party guides being published that called yellow and brown Halloween’s colours, thanks to the holiday’s association with the fall harvest. Yellow was for corn/maize and brown was for hay and dried husks.

Orange is in honour of the jack-o’-lantern, which made its way into Halloween culture around 1910. It became “undisputed king of Halloween” because of the jack-o’-lantern’s prominence on postcards and in advertising.

Black likely comes from black cats, although bats contributed to that as well.

__________

Americans spend more than $100 on Halloween.

In 2022, the National Retail Federation estimated that Americans would spend an average of $100 on costumes, candy, decorations and greeting cards — just short of last year's estimate of $103.

Spending is expected to increase across the board, except spending on greeting cards is taking a slight dip this year. It appears that people are going more digital this Halloween.

__________

William Shakespeare wrote the "Song of Witches".

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and caldron bubble” is from William Shakespeare’s “Macbeth.” A trio of witches recite the poem as they scheme over a bubbling cauldron and it's been associated with witches ever since.

__________

People used to carve turnips, not pumpkins.

Initially, the Irish and Scottish carved turnips as a way to remember deceased souls. When they immigrated to the U.S., they realised that pumpkins were much easier to carve.

__________

The most popular children’s Halloween costumes in 2022 (in order), according to Google:

Witch

Spiderman

Dinosaur

"Stranger Things"

Fairy

Pirate

Rabbit

Cheerleader

Cowboy

Harley Quinn

Clown

__________

Halloween was once known as "Black Halloween".

Before costumes and trick-or-treating, Halloween was a night for pranking. The pranks eventually got out of control and in 1933, vandals caused millions of dollars of damage across the U.S., leading many people to refer to it as “Black Halloween.”

__________

Trick-or-treating began in Canada (possibly).

The origins of trick-or-treating are still up for debate. Although some believe trick-or-treating dates back to medieval times, Henry Ansgar Kelly, a research professor specializing in medieval and renaissance studies at UCLA, said it may have started in Canada during the early 1900s as a way to deter pranksters from wreaking havoc.

__________

Halloween isn't Day of the Dead (and vice versa).

While the Day of the Dead (Día de los Muertos) is often associated with Halloween, it shouldn't be. The Mexican holiday dates back more than 3,000 years and is a time to honour deceased loved ones. It isn’t associated with costumes, candy and other Halloween traditions.

__________

Halloween generates billions of dollars.

Around $10 billion, to be exact. The most recent survey from the National Retail Federation predicted that Halloween would generate $10.6 billion in 2022, up from 10.14 billion in 2021. Costumes account for most of that, with kids and adult costumes expected to exceed $2.9 billion.

__________

All Saints Day is not All Souls Day

Celebrated on November 1, All Saints Day honours the death of Catholic saints and loved ones. All Souls Day, on November 2, is observed to pray for souls of the faithfully departed that remain trapped in purgatory in hopes they'll be admitted to heaven.

__________

Halloween may have started in 600 A.D.

Many experts believe that Halloween stems from Samhain, a Gaelic festival to celebrate the end of summer. The first known celebrations of Samhain are said to have occurred around 600 A.D., making Halloween more than 3,500 years old.

__________

Retailers made Halloween popular.

From 1909 to the 1940s, the Dennison Manufacturing Co., a paper goods manufacturer located in Framingham, Mass., was one of the leading producers of Halloween costumes, invitations and decorations in the U.S. The rise in available Halloween-related goods spurred the popularity of the holiday.

__________

Trick-or-treating took off in the 1930s.

Lisa Morten, author of “Trick of Treat: The History of Halloween,” said the first official mention of trick-or-treating as a Halloween activity in the U.S. was published in the November 1939 issue of "American Home" magazine.

__________

Europe doesn't celebrate Halloween like the U.S.

Even though Halloween was brought to the U.S. from Irish and Scottish immigrants, the rest of Europe didn’t begin celebrating the holiday until decades later. Although many European countries now celebrate the holiday, it hasn't been quite as commercialized as the U.S.

__________

It wasn't always called "Halloween".

There are several theories about the origin of the word “Halloween.” According to the Oxford English Dictionary, "Halloween" stems from “All Hallow’s Eve.” However, in 1773, the Scottish began calling it, “Hallow-e’-en.”

Then, a few years later, poet Robert Burns put the words together in the poem titled “Halloween” and we’ve been writing it that way ever since.

__________

Halloween postcards used to be a thing.

From 1905 to 1920, more than 3,000 Halloween postcards were mass-produced. For years, people popped Halloween greetings in the mail until the telephone became the preferred method of communication.

__________

In 2022, the National Retail Foundation said that passing out candy was the most popular way to spend Halloween. Other common ways that people celebrate include:

Decorating their home or yard

Dressing up in costume

Carving pumpkins

Throwing or attending a party

__________

People used to carve other fruits.

U.S. magazines and Halloween guides from the late 1800s offered tips on how to carve apples and cucumbers in addition to jack-o’-lanterns.

__________

Candied apples were a total mistake.

The beloved Halloween treat is said to have been invented by William W. Kolb, a New Jersey confectioner, in 1908. The candy maker supposedly dipped an apple into a cinnamon glaze as an experiment and discovered that patrons loved them.

__________

Rhode Island is home to 6,000 jack-o'-lanterns.

The annual Jack-O-Lantern Spectacular held at the Roger Williams Park Zoo in Providence, Rhode Island displays more than 6,000 jack-o’-lanterns during their annual festival. It's one of the largest displays in the country, drawing roughly 115,000 to 140,000 visitors each year.

__________

Black cats get a bum rap.

Black cats are undeservedly associated with bad luck. Their reputation dates way back to the Middle Ages when people considered them a sign of the devil. Hundreds of years later, black cats became the object of fear and scorn after being linked to witches and black magic.

__________

Transylvania is located in the U.S.

If you love vampires and want to visit Transylvania, you need only book a trip to North Carolina. Known as the “Land of Waterfalls,” (not vampires, who knew?), Transylvania County is located in western North Carolina and is home to roughly 34,000 residents. The official Bram Stoker version is in Romania.

__________

Halloween isn't just for kids anymore.

Once upon a time, Halloween was all about kids and while that's still true, adult participation is growing year over year. According to the NRF, roughly 55% of households without children planned to celebrate Halloween in 2021 (up from 49% back in 2020).

Annual spending on adult Halloween costumes was also predicted to be around $1.5 billion.

__________

The most popular Halloween candy is ...

According to research by YouGov, the most popular Halloween candy is M&Ms!

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups come in a close second.

Here is the most popular Halloween candy for adults, ranked:

M&Ms (original)

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

Kit Kat

Peanut M&Ms

Butterfinger

Snickers

Twix

Milky Way

Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar

Reese's Pieces

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INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

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Arrr!!! Ahoy, shipmates.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day be a parody holiday created in 1995 by John Baur (Ol' Chumbucket) and Mark Summers (Cap'n Slappy), of Albany, Oregon, who proclaimed September 19 each year as the day when everyone in the world should talk like a pirate.

"Cap'n Slappy" and "Ol' Chumbucket", the founders of Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Here are some origins of pirate words and phrases.  (Why are pirates called pirates? Because they just arrrr!!)

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Modern day pirates now operate largely off the coast of Somalia and in the Gulf of Aden. They are thugs, kidnappers and murderers but then again so were the 18th century pirates, the golden age of piracy being 1650-1720. The olden day pirates have been romanticised by books and films, the image owing much to Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island and Disney’s 1950 film of the book.

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The word “pirate” comes originally from the Indo-European “per”, meaning to try, to risk. From there it went into Greek as “pieran”, meaning attempt, attack, and into Latin as “pirata”, meaning attacker, robber. Later it came to mean specifically sea attacker. It then evolved into an attacker/plunderer at sea.

In English, “pirate” appeared in the late 14th century with the meaning of “a person who robs ships at sea”. The use as a robber on land and sea developed about 100 years later.

Some other Hollywood pirates . . .

Errol Flynn in Captain Blood (1935)

Cary Elwes as Dread Pirate Roberts in The Princess Bride (1987) 

(love that movie)

Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow

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In the 1960s in the UK, pirate radio stations were unlicensed and broadcast offshore from anchored ships and marine platforms.

There is a good film set in the 1960’s against a backdrop of the operation of an English offshore pirate radio station. The 2009 flick is called The Boat That Rocked ( Pirate Radio in North America) and it stars Philip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy (one of his best), Rhys Ifans, Nick Frost and Kenneth Branagh.

Arrr, this be well worth watching, maties.

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How pirates get eye patches . . .

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The Jolly Roger is the traditional English name for the flags flown to identify a pirate ship before or during an attack. The flag most commonly identified as the Jolly Roger today is the skull and crossbones symbol on a black flag. This was used during the 1710s by a number of pirate captains and went on to become the most commonly used pirate flag during the 1720s, although other designs were also in use.

The raising of pirate flags, usually only hoisted at the last minute, signalled that the ship under approach should immediately surrender or face not only attack and boarding but the execution of all on board.

The threat that no quarter was to be given was often reinforced by raising an additional flag, an all-red one.

Pirates flew many other types of flags to signal their terrible purpose in approaching a ship, usually with gruesome such as skeletons, swords, and bleeding hearts.

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Recycled, but a goodie . . .

A pirate captain goes to a bar on returning from sea. in a bar. The barman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. He asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“What about your hook?” asks the bartender.

“Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” says the bartender. “How did you get the eye patch”?

“A seagull shat in my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull pooping?” the barkeep asked incredulously.

“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”

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Some possible origins of the term Jolly Roger:

• It may derive from the word ‘Roger’ which in that period signified the Devil, a figure often referred to as ‘Old Roger’.

• A group of pirates hanged in Newport, Rhode Island in 1723 had called their flag showing a skeleton holding an hourglass and a bleeding heart as ‘Old Roger’.

• The term ‘roger’ was also applied to wandering beggars or vagrants and privateers were sometimes referred to as ‘Sea Beggars’, particularly in the Netherlands.

• An alternative origin is the French term le jolie rouge (the “pretty red”), which was applied to the red flag commonly flown by privateers for centuries.

• The Welsh pirate Black Bart Roberts (1682-1722) was famous for wearing bright red silks in battle, causing the French to nickname him le jolie rouge. Roberts was known to fly the skull and crossbones flag, amongst others on his fleet of ships and so this flag became the ‘Jolly Roger’ by association.

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Q: What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

A: 8 pirates.

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A buccaneer is a pirate, but the word derives from a method of barbeque used by the Indigenous people of the Caribbean region. A boucan was a grill used for roasting meat and vegetables, and the term buccaneer was first applied to hunters in Hispaniola who killed and smoked wild cattle on boucans. That was a rough lifestyle, and when the term was borrowed into English, the sense became that of a pirate, either because the hunters of Hispaniola had turned to piracy, or that piracy was a similarly rough profession.

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FUNNY FRIDAY

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And a cheery hello from waterlogged Sydney, still, most of us are not as badly off as those who have lost homes and treasured possessions. Also the farmers who have been battling and are now hit by floods; the food establishments, hospitality industry workers, travel businesses, all knocked by Covid and now by rain such that no one is venturing out. Sympathies to them all.

For the rest of us complaining about the rain, here are some moments of humour to brighten the day.

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SOME HUMOUR:

A man asked his daughter to give him the newspaper. "Newspapers are old" she said, and gave him her ipad instead. The fly never knew what hit him.

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”

She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.

That was when I uttered those three magic words.

“Gary and I”

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I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, “How many potatoes would you like?”

I said “I’ll just have the one please”

She said “It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite”

“Alright” I said, “I’ll just have one then, you stupid bitch.”

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Man says to his friend Mike “I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?”

Mike doesn't like it but, being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."

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A blonde calls Emergency and says "Help, help, my house is on fire" ...operator says "Stay calm ma'am, we'll send the fire department. How do we get to your house?"

Blonde: "duh...big red truck"

                        

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A woman walks into a shop, picks up a can of fly spray and asks 'Is this any good for flies?'

'Not really' says the assistant 'It kills them'

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A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”.

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.

The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, “Muchas gracias, señor!”

 

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A variation that predates the Falklands War:

Back in the 1970s a middle-aged man got upset with his neighbour and spilled a flowerpot full of water out his window onto her. She got very upset and pressed charges against him. So the man had to go and get a lawyer to represent him, and the lawyer asked the judge for leniency, arguing that the man was an Army veteran and had never been in any trouble with the law.

The judge, having heard the lawyer’s submissions, granted leniency and dismissed the charge.

Aware of the man's age, the judge thought to ask him, "Did you serve during World War II?"

"Yes, your honour," he said.

"Did you see any action?"

"Yes, I fought in the Battle of the Bulge, and I even saw General Patton once!"

"And did you kill many of the enemy?"

"Oh yes, your honour, dozens of them!"

"I fought in the Bulge too," the judge said. "Tell me, what unit were you with?"

The man drew himself up and said very proudly, "The Fifth Panzer, your honour!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

For Steve and Diane, who have a boisterous new puppy . . .

There once was a fiesty young terrier

Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.

He'd yip and he'd yap,

Then leap up and snap;

And the fairer the derriere the merrier.

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GALLERY:

From friend John P, thanks John . . .

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CORN CORNER:

I don't understand why people don't like lazy people.

They didn't do anything.

I always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He wasn't a millionaire, he just wanted to be one.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is pretty heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.

Hey, there was a pirate selling corn down at the farmers market.

‘Twas a buck-an-ear!

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