Friday, November 22, 2019

Quote for the Day

Funny Friday


Hello Byters . . .

Today’s Funny Friday contains an item from the Netflix series The Crown, so that also sets the theme for today:  Royalty. 

A warning, however, there are risquΓ© items ahead so read no further if you might be offended.



An adaptation of an oldie:

On his last visit to England, President Donald Trump was very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty.

So, while having dinner seated next to the Queen. he announced boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"

The Queen shook her head and said somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".

A bit defeated and a bit petulantly Trump retried... "Then I want the USA to be called the Principality of the Americas!"

Queen Elizabeth rolled her eyes and tsked pitifully, saying, "but Donald... you are not a Prince."

"A Monarchy?" Donald asked pleadingly, now rather dejected and a tear forming in his eye.

"Not a Monarch", the Queen snaps now more than a little exasperated...

"Then what can I call it?" Donald whined.

After a few moments the Queen replied, somewhat smugly... "I think you should stick to calling it a Country".


Princess Diana and the Queen were driving in a limousine when they were set upon by robbers.  Just in the nick of time, they were able to conceal most of their jewellery internally.  When they inventoried their small losses while standing on the sidewalk, after the robbers drove off in their Rolls Royce, the Queen said, "What a shame Fergie wasn't with us.  We'd have been able to save the Roller too."



On one occasion when Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor, Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn’t that quite hot and uncomfortable?”

The Prince replied “Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy’s idea.”

“I’m sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" asked the Mayor.

“Oh, yes,” replied Charles. “I spoke to her by telephone this morning. She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga. She said ‘Wear the fox hat.’ “


Also from the vault:

A true story . . . 

Australian cinematographer Dean Semler, who won an Oscar for "Dances With Wolves," was one of the Hollywood fraternity invited to meet the Queen on her visit to the United States.

Semler's account was reported in the International Express and quoted by Chuck Conconi of the Washington Post: 
"I said I was director of photography, to which she replied, 'Oh, how terribly interesting. Actually, I have a brother-in-law who is a photographer.' "I replied, 'Oh, how terribly coincidental. I have a brother-in-law who's a queen.'
 She moved on without saying another word."


Kate (my wife, not Middleton) and I have been watching Season 3 of The Crown,  Episode 2 features a meeting of the unconventional and somewhat wild Princess Margaret and the down to earth President Lyndon Johnson.  Whilst the meeting was real:

. . .  aspects of that meeting as depicted in The Crown are not.  It was not the first time that they met (they had chatted in Jamaica a few years earlier), and although it was a late and wild night, there was no limerick contest between the Princess and the President.

Nonetheless it makes for entertaining television, in The Crown Prime Minister Harold Wilson reporting to Her Maj how the meeting went down

PRIME MINISTER HAROL WILSON:  This then led to a drinking contest.
PRINCESS MARGARET:  Last man standing - is the winner.
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: Challenge accepted!
WILSON: Which, in turn, led to a limerick contest.
ELIZABETH: Limericks?
WILSON:  Yes, ma'am. Some of them, I'm afraid to say, a little off-colour.
ELIZABETH:  Hmm. Well, go on then.
WILSON: Oh, right Um [CLEARS THROAT.]  Well, the first one went a little "There was a young woman from Delaware "
MARGARET:  Who liked to make love, liked to make love - Delaware! Delaware! - in her underwear.
WILSON:  A terrible prude
MARGARET: "She would never go nude, And her bum, hips, and tits she would never bare.
ELIZABETH: What else?
WILSON: The President countered with, "There was a young man from Wisconsin Who was blessed with an enormously large "
MARGARET: Johnson!
ELIZABETH: Where's the rest of it?
WILSON: I believe everyone thought that was long enough.  As it were.
ELIZABETH: Any more?
WILSON:  Princess Margaret won the evening with this one
There was a young lady from Dallas,
Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
 They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.



A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black colour, but colour turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Colour when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown colour."

The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change colour. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.


Thursday, November 21, 2019

Thought for the Day

Poetry Spot and Some Wordplay


by James A. Lindon

Entering the lonely house with my wife
I saw him for the first time
Peering furtively from behind a bush --
Blackness that moved,
A shape amid the shadows,
A momentary glimpse of gleaming eyes
Revealed in the ragged moon.
A closer look (he seemed to turn) might have
Put him to flight forever --
I dared not
(For reasons that I failed to understand),
Though I knew I should act at once.

I puzzled over it, hiding alone,
Watching the woman as she neared the gate.
He came, and I saw him crouching
Night after night.
Night after night
He came, and I saw him crouching,
Watching the woman as she neared the gate.

I puzzled over it, hiding alone --
Though I knew I should act at once,
For reasons that I failed to understand
I dared not
Put him to flight forever.       

A closer look (he seemed to turn) might have
Revealed in the ragged moon.
A momentary glimpse of gleaming eyes
A shape amid the shadows,
Blackness that moved.

Peering furtively from behind a bush,
I saw him for the first time,
Entering the lonely house with my wife.

James Albert Lindon (1914 – 1979) was an English puzzle enthusiast and poet specializing in light verse, constrained writing, and children's poetry.

Lindon has been described as the greatest English writer of comic verse and his skill at wordplay has been similarly acclaimed.

In addition to being a poet, Lindon was an accomplished writer and solver of puzzles, especially those in recreational mathematics.

By the way, the above poem, which is quite scary, is a line palindrome, one that reads the same from the botoom line up as from the top line down.

Tuesday, November 19, 2019

Quote for the Day

Poetry Spot: Father William

Readers will know that I am fond of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass.  There have been quite a few quotations in Bytes in the past and today there is an extended one, a poem, Father William, which appears in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (1865). 

The poem is a parody of Robert Southey's poem The Old Man's Comforts and How He Gained Them, originally published in 1799. Like the other poems parodied by Lewis Carroll in Alice, this original poem is now mostly forgotten, and only the parody is remembered.  It has been called "one of the undisputed masterpieces of nonsense verse".

The poem is structured as a dialogue between a “father” and “his son”. The theme involves generation gaps—specifically how different generations can fail to understand one another.

The Old Man's Comforts and How He Gained Them
by Robert Southey

You are old, Father William, the young man cried,
⁠The few locks which are left you are grey;
You are hale, Father William, a hearty old man,
⁠Now tell me the reason I pray.

In the days of my youth, Father William replied,
⁠I remember'd that youth would fly fast,
And abused not my health and my vigour at first
⁠That I never might need them at last.

You are old, Father William, the young man cried,
⁠And pleasures with youth pass away,
And yet you lament not the days that are gone,
⁠Now tell me the reason I pray.

In the days of my youth, Father William replied,
⁠I remember'd that youth could not last;
I thought of the future whatever I did,
⁠That I never might grieve for the past.

You are old, Father William, the young man cried,
⁠And life must be hastening away;
You are chearful, and love to converse upon death!
⁠Now tell me the reason I pray.

I am chearful, young man, Father William replied,
⁠Let the cause thy attention engage;
In the days of my youth I remember'd my God!
And He hath not forgotten my age.

You Are Old, Father William
Lewis carroll

  "You are old, father William," the young man said,
    "And your hair has become very white;
  And yet you incessantly stand on your head —
    Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

   "In my youth," father William replied to his son,
    "I feared it would injure the brain;
  But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
    Why, I do it again and again."

  "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
    And have grown most uncommonly fat;
  Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door —
    Pray, what is the reason of that?"

  "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
    "I kept all my limbs very supple
  By the use of this ointment — one shilling the box —
    Allow me to sell you a couple."

  "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
    For anything tougher than suet;
  Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak —
    Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

  "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
    And argued each case with my wife;
  And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
    Has lasted the rest of my life."

  "You are old," said the youth; one would hardly suppose
    That your eye was as steady as ever;
  Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose —
    What made you so awfully clever?"

  "I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
    Said his father; "don't give yourself airs!
  Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
    Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"

Love how Father William obtained the strength of his jaw.