Saturday, August 17, 2019
By Roald Dahl
I guess you think you know this story.
You don't. The real one's much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.
She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'
'All right?' cried Cindy .'Can't you see
'I feel as rotten as can be!'
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!
'There is a Disco at the Palace!
'The rest have gone and I am jealous!
'I want a dress! I want a coach!
'And earrings and a diamond brooch!
'And silver slippers, two of those!
'And lovely nylon panty hose!
'Done up like that I'll guarantee
'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'
The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball!
It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
herself against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She shouted, 'Heck!
I've got to run to save my neck!'
The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'
He grabbed her dres to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'
The dress was ripped from head to toe.
She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,
'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
I'll visit every house in town
'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.
Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'
But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
'So now you've got to marry me!'
The Prince went white from ear to ear.
He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'
'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!
'There's no way you can back out now!'
'Off with her head!' The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
'She's prettier without her head.'
Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'
'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.
'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?
The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?
'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!
'Wish anything and have no doubt
'That I will make it come about!'
Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,
'This time I shall be more wary.
'No more Princes, no more money.
'I have had my taste of honey.
I'm wishing for a decent man.
'They're hard to find. D'you think you can?'
Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.
Friday, August 16, 2019
Yep, it's time for Funny Friday but there is some risque content ahead, so be warned.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.
Okay, I’ll you what the joke is. H20 is water. Had the second chemist said “I’ll have some H2O too” – H2O2 – he would have been given hydrogen peroxide.
How do I know China has Free Speech?
No one says otherwise.
A woman is shopping in the produce department. She approaches the clerk. “Excuse me, but where is the broccoli?” she asks. He says, “Sorry, we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow.”
The woman continues shopping, but approaches the clerk again a few minutes later. “I need broccoli. Where is it?” “Ma’am,” the clerk says, “we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow.” The woman seems to understand. But ten minutes go by and she is back. “Where is the broccoli?” Once again, the clerk tells her that they are fresh out of broccoli and to come back in the morning.
The clerk continues stocking the shelves, but soon the woman is back. “ I can’t find the broccoli,” she says. The clerk asks the woman “Excuse me, but could you tell me how to spell dog, like dogmatic?” “D O G”, the woman says. “What about cat, like catastrophe?” “ You spell it C A T.” “Very good,” the clerk says. “What about fuck, like in broccoli?” “There is no fuck in broccoli,” the woman says.
“Exactly,” says the clerk.
Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk
Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would always just grin and go about his morning ritual.
One year for Thanksgiving, Ethel had to get up early to prep the turkey. As she was removing the bird's giblets, she had a wonderful idea for a practical joke. She quietly tiptoed into their bedroom while Harold was still asleep, and gently slipped some of the lumpier gibs into his boxer briefs and snuck back to the kitchen giggling to herself.
About a half hour or so later, she heard the usual morning trumpeting but this time accompanied by a blood-curdling scream, followed by loud footsteps and the slamming of their bathroom door. Ethel laughed to herself and went on with the meal prep.
About 10 minutes later Harold emerged from the bathroom with a triumphant smile on his face. "Ethel, you were right, my morning methane had such a powerful follow through that I went and shit my guts right out. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, everything's gonna be alright."
From the vault:
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The cowboy approaches the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
Limerick of the Week:
A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"
Andante: moderately slow
Allegro con brio: lively, with spirit, with energy
To whoever stole my shoes and hi-vis vest . . .
You can run but you can't hide.
So what if I don't know what the apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world.
If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,
is it a speech impediment or an accent?
During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...
...but they don't know from what period.
How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?
They bless the reins down in Africa.
Thursday, August 15, 2019
WOODSTOCK MUSICAL FESTIVAL
AUGUST 15-18, 1969
From Wikipedia at:
Woodstock was a music festival held between August 15–18, 1969, which attracted an audience of more than 400,000. Billed as "An Aquarian Exposition: 3 Days of Peace & Music", it was held at Max Yasgur's 600-acre dairy farm near White Lake in Bethel, New York, 43 miles (70 km) southwest of Woodstock. It was also referred to alternatively, on occasion, as the "Bethel Rock Festival" given its location in the Town of Bethel, New York, or the "Aquarian Music Festival".
Over the sometimes rainy weekend, 32 acts performed outdoors. It is widely regarded as a pivotal moment in popular music history, as well as the definitive nexus for the larger counterculture generation. Rolling Stone listed it as number 19 of the 50 Moments That Changed the History of Rock and Roll.
The event was captured in the Academy Award-winning 1970 documentary film Woodstock, an accompanying soundtrack album, and Joni Mitchell's song "Woodstock", which commemorated the event and became a major hit for both Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young and Matthews Southern Comfort. Joni Mitchell said, "Woodstock was a spark of beauty" where half-a-million kids "saw that they were part of a greater organism". In 2017, the festival site was listed on the National Register of Historic Places.
Readers wanting to have a look at the behind the scenes activity of Woodstock should view the 2009 Ang Lee film Taking Woodstock. A good and interesting look at the events, based on Elliot Tiber’s memoir Taking Woodstock: A True Story of a Riot, a Concert, and a Life.
20 Things You May Not Know About the Woodstock Music Festival
The festival was organized in six months by Michael Lang, John Roberts, Joel Rosenman, and Artie Kornfield.
There was a total of 32 bands who performed under the sun, beneath the stars, and in the rain.
The festival was originally scheduled to take place in Woodstock, NY but since there weren't any suitable ground sites, it was moved to a town called Wallkill.
Wallkill then decided they didn't want a sea of drugged-out hippies in their town, so they enforced a law that banned the festival from happening.
In mid-July, only a month before the festival, Max Yasgur offered his dairy farm in Bethel, NY to be the official location for the Woodstock Music & Arts Fair.
The Woodstock Festival was released as a documentary in 1970 and was a great commercial success. It won the Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature.
A live album of the concert was also released in 1970.
The couple featured on Woodstock's live album cover, Nick and Bobbi Ercoline, are married.
I have previously posted about this couple, read that post at:
An estimated number of 400,000 people attended the Woodstock Music & Arts Fair.
The thousands of flower children who flooded Bethel created a huge traffic jam.
Arlo Guthrie announced during his set that the New York State Thruway was officially closed.
Richie Havens wasn't supposed to be the opening act, but the bands that were initially scheduled were late because of traffic. Richie improvised a song that would be forever associated with the Woodstock Festival: "Freedom."
Tickets for the three day event were sold for $18 in advance and $24 at the site. But due to the unexpected invasion of flower children, the festival became free.
A Jewish Community made 200 sandwiches for the attendees.
90% of concert-goers smoked marijuana.
These groovy signs were made so attendees wouldn't get lost.
Neil Young refused to be filmed for the movie while performing with Crosby, Stills & Nash.
Jefferson Airplane demanded $12,000 for their set, and The Who, Janis Joplin, and the Grateful Dead also wouldn't perform until they were paid.
Joni Mitchell was set to perform at the festival, but her manager advised her to stay back and appear on The Dick Cavett Show the next day.
Don't worry though -- she made up for it by writing the major Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young hit, "Woodstock."
John Lennon had an interest in performing at Woodstock, but he told organizers his entry into the U.S. was denied by President Nixon.
There was a total of 80 lawsuits against Michael Lang and the organizers, which were eventually paid off from the Woodstock film.
There was a notorious thunderstorm toward the middle of the weekend, in which attendees chanted "No rain, no rain" to stop the rain fall.
Jimi Hendrix closed the event on Monday morning, performing a two-hour set. By then there were only 30,000 attendees because of the rain.
Only a small chunk of hippies witnessed the greatest moment in rock history: Hendrix's version of "The Star-Spangled Banner."
By the way:
From Bytes March 3, 2012:
Those who recall Jimi Hendrix’s closing of Woodstock by playing the Star Spangled Banner, complete with explosions and distortion, may be surprised to learn that he was not the original act chosen to close the festival. Woodstock organiser Michael Lang revealed in 2006 that he originally asked cowboy star and crooner Roy Rogers to close the event. Roy realised that Woodstock was not his type of gig.
Michael Lang: "I had this inner dream I grew up listening to Roy Rogers sing Happy Trails on the radio and I thought, `What a perfect way to end the show ' He was the only artist who turned us down. He didn't get it at all "
Roy Rogers: "I would've been booed off the stage by all those goddamn hippies."
From Wikipedia at:
Max Yasgur refused to rent out his farm for a 1970 revival of the festival, saying, "As far as I know, I'm going back to running a dairy farm." Yasgur died in 1973.
Bethel voters did not re-elect Supervisor Amatucci in an election held in November 1969 because of his role in bringing the festival to the town, and the upset attributed to some residents. Although accounts vary, the loss was only by a very small margin of between six and fifty votes. New York State and the Town of Bethel also passed mass gathering laws designed to prevent any more festivals from occurring.
In 1984, at the original festival site, land owners Louis Nicky and June Gelish put up a monument marker with plaques called "Peace and Music" by a local sculptor from nearby Bloomingburg, Wayne C. Saward (1957–2009).
Attempts were made to prevent people from visiting the site. Its owners spread chicken manure, and during one anniversary, tractors and state police cars formed roadblocks. Twenty thousand people gathered at the site in 1989 during an impromptu 20th anniversary celebration. In 1997 a community group put up a welcoming sign for visitors. Unlike Bethel, the town of Woodstock made several efforts to cash in on its notoriety. Bethel's stance changed in recent years, and the town now embraces the festival. Efforts have begun to forge a link between Bethel and Woodstock.
Approximately 80 lawsuits were filed against Woodstock Ventures, primarily by farmers in the area. The movie financed settlements and paid off the $1.4 million of debt (equivalent to $9.6 million today) Woodstock Ventures had incurred from the festival.
In 1984, a plaque was placed at the original site commemorating the festival. The field and the stage area remain preserved in their rural setting and the fields of the Yasgur farm are still visited by people of all generations.
In 1996, the site of the concert and 1,400 acres (2.2 sq mi; 5.7 km2) surrounding was purchased by cable television pioneer Alan Gerry for the purpose of creating the Bethel Woods Center for the Arts. The Center opened on July 1, 2006, with a performance by the New York Philharmonic. On August 13, 2006, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young performed before 16,000 fans at the new Center—37 years after their historic performance at Woodstock.
The Museum at Bethel Woods opened on June 2, 2008. The Museum contains film and interactive displays, text panels, and artifacts that explore the unique experience of the Woodstock festival, its significance as the culminating event of a decade of radical cultural transformation, and the legacy of the Sixties and Woodstock today.
Richie Havens' ashes were scattered across the site on August 18, 2013.
In late 2016 New York's State Historic Preservation Office applied to the National Park Service to have 600 acres (0.94 sq mi; 2.4 km2) including the site of the festival and adjacent areas used for campgrounds, all of which still appear mostly as they did in 1969 as they were not redeveloped when Bethel Woods was built, listed on the National Register of Historic Places.
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Another bush ballad, this one by Banjo Paterson . . .
A B 'Banjo' Paterson
Down along the Snakebite River, where the overlanders camp,
Where the serpents are in millions, all of the most deadly stamp;
Where the station-cook in terror, nearly every time he bakes,
Mixes up among the doughboys half-a-dozen poison-snakes:
Where the wily free-selector walks in armour-plated pants,
And defies the stings of scorpions, and the bites of bull-dog ants:
Where the adder and the viper tear each other by the throat,
There it was that William Johnson sought his snake-bite antidote.
Johnson was a free-selector, and his brain went rather queer,
For the constant sight of serpents filled him with a deadly fear;
So he tramped his free-selection, morning, afternoon, and night,
Seeking for some great specific that would cure the serpent’s bite.
Till King Billy, of the Mooki, chieftain of the flour-bag head,
Told him, ‘Spos’n snake bite pfeller, pfeller mostly drop down dead;
Spos’n snake bite old goanna, then you watch a while you see,
Old goanna cure himself with eating little pfeller tree.’
‘That’s the cure,’ said William Johnson, ‘point me out this plant sublime,’
But King Billy, feeling lazy, said he’d go another time.
Thus it came to pass that Johnson, having got the tale by rote,
Followed every stray goanna, seeking for the antidote.
Loafing once beside the river, while he thought his heart would break,
There he saw a big goanna fighting with a tiger-snake,
In and out they rolled and wriggled, bit each other, heart and soul,
Till the valiant old goanna swallowed his opponent whole.
Breathless, Johnson sat and watched him, saw him struggle up the bank,
Saw him nibbling at the branches of some bushes, green and rank;
Saw him, happy and contented, lick his lips, as off he crept,
While the bulging in his stomach showed where his opponent slept.
Then a cheer of exultation burst aloud from Johnson’s throat;
‘Luck at last,’ said he, ‘I’ve struck it! ’tis the famous antidote.’
‘Here it is, the Grand Elixir, greatest blessing ever known,
Twenty thousand men in India die each year of snakes alone.
Think of all the foreign nations, negro, chow, and blackamoor,
Saved from sudden expiration, by my wondrous snakebite cure.
It will bring me fame and fortune! In the happy days to be,
Men of every clime and nation will be round to gaze on me–
Scientific men in thousands, men of mark and men of note,
Rushing down the Mooki River, after Johnson’s antidote.
It will cure Delirium Tremens, when the patient’s eyeballs stare
At imaginary spiders, snakes which really are not there.
When he thinks he sees them wriggle, when he thinks he sees them bloat,
It will cure him just to think of Johnson’s Snakebite Antidote.’
Then he rushed to the museum, found a scientific man–
‘Trot me out a deadly serpent, just the deadliest you can;
I intend to let him bite me, all the risk I will endure,
Just to prove the sterling value of my wondrous snakebite cure.
Even though an adder bit me, back to life again I’d float;
Snakes are out of date, I tell you, since I’ve found the antidote.’
Said the scientific person, ‘If you really want to die,
Go ahead–but, if you’re doubtful, let your sheep-dog have a try.
Get a pair of dogs and try it, let the snake give both a nip;
Give your dog the snakebite mixture, let the other fellow rip;
If he dies and yours survives him, then it proves the thing is good.
Will you fetch your dog and try it?’ Johnson rather thought he would.
So he went and fetched his canine, hauled him forward by the throat.
‘Stump, old man,’ says he, ‘we’ll show them we’ve the genwine antidote.’
Both the dogs were duly loaded with the poison-gland’s contents;
Johnson gave his dog the mixture, then sat down to wait events.
‘Mark,’ he said, ‘in twenty minutes Stump’ll be a-rushing round,
While the other wretched creature lies a corpse upon the ground.’
But, alas for William Johnson! ere they’d watched a half-hour’s spell
Stumpy was as dead as mutton, t’other dog was live and well.
And the scientific person hurried off with utmost speed,
Tested Johnson’s drug and found it was a deadly poison-weed;
Half a tumbler killed an emu, half a spoonful killed a goat,
All the snakes on earth were harmless to that awful antidote.
Down along the Mooki River, on the overlanders’ camp,
Where the serpents are in millions, all of the most deadly stamp,
Wanders, daily, William Johnson, down among those poisonous hordes,
Shooting every stray goanna, calls them ‘black and yaller frauds’.
And King Billy, of the Mooki, cadging for the cast-off coat,
Somehow seems to dodge the subject of the snake-bite antidote.
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Rosie, aka The Chocolate Queen from her love of chocolate, sent an email to everyone in the office yesterday inviting everyone to take part in Kentucky Tuesday today for lunch. I emailed my acceptance and, later as I walked past her office, I said flippantly “You know that you can’t get chocolate Kentucky chicken”, to which she replied “I know but I’m having salad.” Now I feel guilty.
However, it gave me the topic for Bytes today: KFC . . .
KFC is the world's second-largest restaurant chain (as measured by sales) after McDonald's, with 22,621 locations globally in 136 countries as of December 2018.
The chain is a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, a restaurant company that also owns the Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and WingStreet chains.
The man behind Colonel Sanders is actually Harland Sanders, who started the fast food restaurant by selling chicken at his roadside chicken in Corbin, Kentucky, throughout the great depression. He would even allow customers to dine at his own dinner table! The title 'colonel' was honorary – a Kentucky Colonel – not the military rank. (Kentucky Colonel is the highest title of honour bestowed by the Commonwealth of Kentucky. Commissions for Kentucky colonels are given by the governor and the secretary of state to individuals in recognition of noteworthy accomplishments and outstanding service to a community, state, or the nation.)
Sanders' Original Recipe of "11 herbs and spices" is one of the most famous trade secrets in the catering industry. The recipe is not patented, because patent law requires public disclosure of an invention and provides protection only for a strictly limited term, whereas trade secrets can remain the intellectual property of their holders in perpetuity. A copy of the recipe, signed by Sanders, is held inside a safe inside a vault in KFC's Louisville headquarters, along with eleven vials containing the herbs and spices.
KFC was the first Western restaurant chain to open in China back in 1987. It was so successful that it is now the company’s single largest markets, as they have chains all over the country. You can even get KFC delivered to your door.
The KFC slogan “finger lickin’ good” was, however, a little lost in translation when they opened in China, as it translated to “eat your fingers off”.
Kentucky Fried Chicken officially became KFC in 1991 to avoid advertising the word “fried”, as the general public became increasingly health conscious.
KFC is synonymous with the big bucket of chicken, so you might be a little surprised to learn that the first bucket wasn’t sold until 1952 – 12 years after the recipe was invented by the Colonel.
PETA and other organisations regularly boycott KFC, as they believe they commit violations against chickens.
Colonel sanders and Alice Cooper, 1970s
Kentucky Fried Chicken comes to Cornwall, 1965, a converted home
Vintage KFC Kentucky Fried Chicken Employee Service Award Pin - Colonel Sanders