Friday, August 23, 2019

Funny Friday


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Yes, it's that time again, Friday and time for some fun.

But be warned, there are risque waters ahead so proceed at your own risk.

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This week's humour:

----oOo---- 

Not sure about this dodgy electrician I hired to do some work in my basement. 

I came home early and he's down there sleeping on the job, and also now wearing his hair in a full afro. 

----oOo---- 

A man goes to prison, it's his first time doing time. At night when everyone is in their cell he hears someone say "43!" and all the guys in their cells howl with laughter. A little later someone from another cell says "161" and again the cell block has a hearty laugh. The new guy asks his cell mate to explain. 

Well, says the cell mate, everyone's been here for some time, and we've only got one joke book in the library, so we have all heard all the jokes. Rather than tell the whole thing now we just rattle off the number. 

After another half hour the new guy thinks he's ready to join in, so he shouts "11!" Silence. He looks at his cell mate and says "What gives?" and the celly just groans and says "Aww man, you didn't tell it right." 

----oOo---- 

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20." "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks. "Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. 

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Fuck me, a new brothel and a new madam" "I'm not a madam and this Isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their new pet. 

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well, fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new girls, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" 

----oOo---- 

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh. 

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional Γ―¿½‚ nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." 

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, evealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. 

Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. 

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then almost fell to the floor laughing. 

A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" 

"It's swollen," Fred replied. 

Things went downhill from there. 

----oOo---- 

A German guy and his beautiful date sit down at a bar. 

He asks the bartender for a couple of martinis. 

The bartender asks "Dry?" 

The German replies, "Nein, zwei." 

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From the vault: 

Dad and Dave went to the Royal Easter Show in Sydney and were very interested in the new tractors that were on display. One salesman demonstrated his machine and then offered them a deal. 

'You can have this model for $10,000, and I'll take off 10 per cent for cash.' They went away to discuss the deal. 

'What’s he mean by take orf 10 per cent cash?' asked Dad. 'How much would he take orf?' 

'Gees, I dunno, Dad,' replied Dave. 

'Listen Dave, you're in pretty good with that barmaid at the pub where we're stayin' and she looks like a pretty smart sort of girl. How about you ask her?' So Dave approached the barmaid. 

'Tell me, Dulcie, if I gave you $10,000 less 10 per cent, how much would you take orf?' 

'Jesus, Dave!' she said, 'If you gave me $10,000 less 10 per cent, I'd take off everything bar me garters and you could use them for stirrups.’ 

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Limerick of the Week: 

There once was a sad Maitre d'HΓ΄tel 
Who said "They can all go to Hell, 
What they do to my wife - 
Why, it ruins my life, 
And the worst is, they do it so well". 

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Corn Corner: 

----oOo---- 

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane? 
The water. 
No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid. 

----oOo---- 

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards.”, 
I thought “That’s just spam.” 

----oOo---- 

I just got robbed by 6 dwarfs. 
Not Happy 

----oOo---- 

I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face. 
My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

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