Friday, January 31, 2020
Welcome to another Funny Friday, dear constant readers, on this last day of January 2020. Tempus certainly does fugit
A cheerio to Noel, my father in law who lives in Canberra. What with Canberra experiencing firstly blanketing smoke, then monster hail and now battling fires again, remember what I told you, Noel: if Lake Burley Griffin turns to blood and there’s a plague of locusts, get your first born out of there quick smart.
A callout as well to new Byters Ron and Barb in the US, inlaws on my daughter’s side, Hi guys, hope you enjoy the Funny Fridays.
SOME HUMOUR . . .
You don't need a parachute to skydive.
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says :
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
Q: If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
"You're coming home now!" she screamed.
"No, I'm not," I laughed.
She said, "I'm talking to the kids."
FROM THE VAULT . . .
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she made an appointment to see Dr Chang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "Prease to take off crose." The woman took off all her clothes as requested and was then told. "Prease face window, back to me, bend over." The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang looked at her from various angles, then said, "See probrem, prease put crose back on."
"What is the problem, Doctor?" she asked.
Dr. Chang said, "You haff Zachary Disease."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Doctor, what is Zachary Disease?"
Dr Chang replied, "Face rook Zachary rike arse."
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
Actually, this week it’s Limericks of the Week.
Some limericks about limericks . . .
Some limericks about limericks . . .
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep it in close quarantine,
Or it sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
It needn't have ribaldry's taint
Or strive to make everyone faint.
There's a type that's demure
And perfectly pure
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't.
GALLERY . . .
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
Without doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
Muffikin fingers are trapped in the door.
Thursday, January 30, 2020
A couple of days ago I posted some images of car licence plates used to make fences.
Here are some more imaginative uses for old licence plates . . .
Not all would be my choice of use or decoration but . . . to each his/her own.
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
This brings to an end Fence Week, tomorrow something different.
Today, somemmore fencing facts and trivia . . .
Barb wire fences:
According to historian James Roark, the invention of barbed wire changed America’s west by “revolution[izing] the cattle business and sounded the death knell for the open range.” That also meant the end of the traditional American cowboy.
Before barbed wire, such fencing as there was used timber and single strand wire but mostly cattlemen used the system referred to as “open range”. Cattle freely roamed and grazed, restricted only by canyons, rivers, and other natural barriers. Cowboys kept the herds within the owner's range, doctored and branded them, and protected them from predators and thieves. In spring and autumn the cattle were rounded up en masse, sorted according to brands and taken by their respective owners, to southern ranges in spring and to market in autumn.
Practical barbed wire appeared in 1868, created in New York by Michael Kelly. Because it used very sharp spikes, which often caused injuries to horses, cattle, and men, it was nicknamed "vicious" wire and by Native Americans as “the Devil’s Rope”. In 1874 Joseph Glidden patented a more marketable "obvious" barbed wire (with larger, dull-pointed, and safer barbs).
Cattlemen began using barbed wire to secure their own livestock and to keep them out of areas. As homesteaders and other settlers moved into newly opened regions, they fenced their fields with barbed wire, often resulting in conflict. Cattlemen frequently found their open range stock routes now fenced with barbed wire and blocked. This led to disputes known as the range wars between open range ranchers and farmers in the late 19th century. These were similar to the disputes which resulted from enclosure laws in England in the early 18th century.
The spread of barbed-wire fencing spelled the end of the open-range cattle industry and the roundup circuit as well.
Fencing of grazing land has facilitated the development of high-grade, registered cattle breeds, such as the Hereford and the Angus, that produce superior, more marketable beef. The open range gave way to the enclosed pasture, and "ranching" became "stock-farming."
Barbed wire is often cited by historians as the invention that truly tamed the West. Herding large numbers of cattle on open terrain required significant manpower just to catch strays, but with an inexpensive method to divide, sub-divide and allocate parcels of land to control the movement of cattle, the need for a vast labor force became unnecessary. By the beginning of the 20th century the need for significant numbers of cowboys was not necessary.
Safety barb wire ad, c 1895
Fences made of wattle have historically been a popular means of fence construction in Britain and numerous other countries, still being used to this day. The fences are made by weaving thin branches (either whole, or more usually split) or slats between upright stakes to form a woven lattice. The technique goes back to Neolithic times,
A woven wattle gate keeps animals out of the fifteenth-century cabbage patch
The Trump Wall:
The Trump wall is a proposed expansion of the Mexico–United States barrier which President Trump promised as an election promise. In January 2017, Trump signed Executive Order 13767, which formally directed the US government to begin attempting wall construction along the Mexican border using existing federal funding. In September 2019, Trump said he planned to build 450–500 miles of new wall by the end of 2020. On December 17, 2019, acting Commissioner of U.S Customs and Border Protection Mark Morgan stated that 93 miles of new wall has been built during the Trump administration; according to CBP figures, at least 90 miles of that replaced existing structures. A private organization called We Build the Wall has constructed .5 miles (0.80 km) of new wall on private property near El Paso, Texas, with Trump's encouragement.
President Donald Trump tours a section of the southern border wall on Sept. 18, 2019, in Otay Mesa, Calif.
Unveiling of the first section of the Trump Wall, October 2018