Friday, November 22, 2019

Funny Friday


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Hello Byters . . .

Today’s Funny Friday contains an item from the Netflix series The Crown, so that also sets the theme for today:  Royalty. 

A warning, however, there are risquΓ© items ahead so read no further if you might be offended.

Cheers.

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An adaptation of an oldie:

On his last visit to England, President Donald Trump was very taken with all the pomp and regalia of royalty.

So, while having dinner seated next to the Queen. he announced boldly that from here on in he would like the USA to be referred to as the "United Kingdom of America!"

The Queen shook her head and said somewhat admonishingly, "My dear Donald you can't do that - you are not a King".

A bit defeated and a bit petulantly Trump retried... "Then I want the USA to be called the Principality of the Americas!"

Queen Elizabeth rolled her eyes and tsked pitifully, saying, "but Donald... you are not a Prince."

"A Monarchy?" Donald asked pleadingly, now rather dejected and a tear forming in his eye.

"Not a Monarch", the Queen snaps now more than a little exasperated...

"Then what can I call it?" Donald whined.

After a few moments the Queen replied, somewhat smugly... "I think you should stick to calling it a Country".

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Princess Diana and the Queen were driving in a limousine when they were set upon by robbers.  Just in the nick of time, they were able to conceal most of their jewellery internally.  When they inventoried their small losses while standing on the sidewalk, after the robbers drove off in their Rolls Royce, the Queen said, "What a shame Fergie wasn't with us.  We'd have been able to save the Roller too."

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FROM THE VAULT:

On one occasion when Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor, Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusual style of headwear, a fur cap. Isn’t that quite hot and uncomfortable?”

The Prince replied “Well, yes, it is actually, but it was Mummy’s idea.”

“I’m sorry, Her Majesty told you to wear it?" asked the Mayor.

“Oh, yes,” replied Charles. “I spoke to her by telephone this morning. She asked me what I was doing today and I told her I was attending a reception at Wagga Wagga. She said ‘Wear the fox hat.’ “

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Also from the vault:

A true story . . . 

Australian cinematographer Dean Semler, who won an Oscar for "Dances With Wolves," was one of the Hollywood fraternity invited to meet the Queen on her visit to the United States.

Semler's account was reported in the International Express and quoted by Chuck Conconi of the Washington Post: 
"I said I was director of photography, to which she replied, 'Oh, how terribly interesting. Actually, I have a brother-in-law who is a photographer.' "I replied, 'Oh, how terribly coincidental. I have a brother-in-law who's a queen.'
 She moved on without saying another word."
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Kate (my wife, not Middleton) and I have been watching Season 3 of The Crown,  Episode 2 features a meeting of the unconventional and somewhat wild Princess Margaret and the down to earth President Lyndon Johnson.  Whilst the meeting was real:





. . .  aspects of that meeting as depicted in The Crown are not.  It was not the first time that they met (they had chatted in Jamaica a few years earlier), and although it was a late and wild night, there was no limerick contest between the Princess and the President.

Nonetheless it makes for entertaining television, in The Crown Prime Minister Harold Wilson reporting to Her Maj how the meeting went down

PRIME MINISTER HAROL WILSON:  This then led to a drinking contest.
QUEEN ELIZABETH:  What?
PRINCESS MARGARET:  Last man standing - is the winner.
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: Challenge accepted!
WILSON: Which, in turn, led to a limerick contest.
ELIZABETH: Limericks?
WILSON:  Yes, ma'am. Some of them, I'm afraid to say, a little off-colour.
ELIZABETH:  Hmm. Well, go on then.
WILSON: Oh, right Um [CLEARS THROAT.]  Well, the first one went a little "There was a young woman from Delaware "
MARGARET:  Who liked to make love, liked to make love - Delaware! Delaware! - in her underwear.
WILSON:  A terrible prude
MARGARET: "She would never go nude, And her bum, hips, and tits she would never bare.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
ELIZABETH: What else?
WILSON: The President countered with, "There was a young man from Wisconsin Who was blessed with an enormously large "
MARGARET: Johnson!
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]
ELIZABETH: Where's the rest of it?
WILSON: I believe everyone thought that was long enough.  As it were.
ELIZABETH: Any more?
WILSON:  Princess Margaret won the evening with this one
There was a young lady from Dallas,
Who used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
 They found her vagina in North Carolina
And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER.]

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CORN CORNER:

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black colour, but colour turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Colour when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown colour."

The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change colour. Or they will reject you," the Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

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