Funny Friday

Some miscellaneous items (the first a repeat but still funny) and a collection of Arnie humour for this week's Funny Friday.  Enjoy, I'll be back.

Some risque language, by the way . . .

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A Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location. 

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " 

The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores. 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... show him your BADGE!"

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I broke down on the moors on a stormy night.

I braved the storm to reach a farmhouse, to seek refuge for the night.

When I asked the farmer if he could accommodate me, he said, "I only have four bedrooms, I use one and the other three are occupied by my three gay sons. You will have to share!"

I thought, "Shit, I'm in the wrong fucking joke".

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

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I went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors.

The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach."

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Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger could never be president of America because he is not American.

Well... We all know what happened last time an Austrian took over a foreign country...

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Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset that his mum never got him any Easter eggs.

She said, "I thought that you didn't like Easter anymore!" 

Arnie replied, "I still love Easter baby!"

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So Arnie has confirmed he's in Terminator 5.

"I'll be back!" will be replaced with "Ow my back!"

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I challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a game of chess the other day, I said "Arnie which colour do you want to be?" He replied "I'll be black."

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Last night I saw a preview of Arnold Schwarzenegger's new low budget film where he goes on a rampage killing all Indian men in sight.

It's called 'The Turbanhater'

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When Arnold Schwarzenegger dies, will he be an ex-terminator?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger had just run the New York marathon. He was lying on his couch and his feet were killing him.

"Is there anything I can do for you Arnie?" asked his wife.

"Ya" replied Arnie. "Plasta ma blista baby"

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I just saw Arnold Schwarzenegger on the train eating a sandwich that stunk the whole carriage out.

"Fucking hell!" I said, "What have you got in there? A tuna sandwich?"

He was adamant that it was not.

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Film producers wanted to make a movie about classical music composers starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Hugh Grant and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They ask Leonardo who he wants to be and he answers "I want to be Beethoven because I've always liked him". Next they ask Hugh and he says "I want to be Mozart because I've always liked him" lastly they ask Arnold and he says "I'll be Bach!"

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Corn Corner:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has developed a condition which means that his nose is always cold.

Close friends are now calling him Chilly Konk Arnie.

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More First World Problems

Problems from living in a wealthy, industrialised nation that third worlders would probably roll their eyes at.

- Urban Dictionary

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Deaths

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Death by cow:

Joao Maria de Souza, 45, died after a cow fell though his roof and onto him whilst he was asleep in bed with his wife Leni. The cow had escaped from a nearby farm and climbed onto the roof of the couple's house in southeast Brazil, the house backing onto a steep hill. The corrugated roof (shown below) gave way and the one-and-a-half-ton animal fell 2 metres onto Mr de Souza's side of the bed. His wife and the cow both escaped unharmed. Rescuers took Mr de Souza to hospital with a fractured left leg but no other obvious injuries, reporting that he was conscious and talking normally. Hours later however he died from internal bleeding while still waiting to be seen by doctors. Mr de Souza's brother-in-law Carlos Correa told Brazil's Hoje em Dia newspaper: "Being crushed by a cow in your bed is the last way you expect to leave this earth.”

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Death by demonstration:

Clement Vallandigham (1820-1871), a US lawyer, was representing a defendant in a murder case for killing a man in a barroom brawl brawl at the Golden Lamb Inn in Lebanon, Ohio. He attempted to prove the victim, Tom Myers, had accidentally shot himself while drawing his pistol from a pocket while rising from a kneeling position. As Vallandigham conferred with fellow defense attorneys in his hotel room at the Golden Lamb, he showed them how he would demonstrate this to the jury. Selecting a pistol he believed to be unloaded, he put it in his pocket and enacted the events as they might have happened, snagging the loaded gun on his clothing and unintentionally causing it to discharge into his belly. Although he was fatally wounded, Vallandigham's demonstration proved his point, and the defendant, Thomas McGehan, was acquitted and released from custody. Surgeons probed for the pistol ball, thought to have lodged in the vicinity of his bladder, but were unable to locate it, and Vallandigham died the next day of peritonitis.. His last words expressed his faith in "that good old Presbyterian doctrine of predestination". McGehan was shot to death four years later in his saloon.

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Death by window:

Garry Hoy, 39, a lawyer with Toronto law firm Holden Day Wilson, died after crashing through a window and falling 24 floors to his death.

Hoy had a penchant for displaying to visitors the tensile strength of the windows of his office. He did this by running at the windows and shoulder charging the glass, liking the shock effect it caused. On this occasion in 1993, Hoy demonstrated the strength of the windows in the usual way to a group of visiting law students who wanted jobs with the firm. A first shoulder charge went fine, the would be interns were suitably shocked and astounded. A second charge did not go as well - the window glass popped out of its frame and fell to the ground 24 floors below. So did Hoy.

Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest'' members of the firm. 

The death was one of the contributing factors to a downhill slide of the firm which closed its doors in 1996 owing considerable debt.

According to snopes.com, which authenticated the story, the same advice applies to architecture as it does to computers: don’t ever bet on windows not crashing.

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Death the winner:

Frank Hayes (1888–1923) was a jockey who, on June 4, 1923, suffered a fatal heart attack in the midst of a steeplechase at Belmont Park in New York State, USA. 

The thirty-five-year-old Hayes was a horse trainer and longtime stableman, rather than a jockey, and had never won a race before. Riding a 20-1 outsider called Sweet Kiss, Hayes died somewhere in the middle of the race but his body remained in the saddle throughout. Sweet Kiss eventually crossed the finish line by a head with Hayes still atop her back, making him the first, and thus far only, jockey known to have won a race after death. Hayes' death was not discovered until the owner and race officials came to congratulate him shortly after the race. It was believed that the fatal heart attack was probably brought on by Hayes' extreme efforts to meet the weight requirements, possibly followed by the excitement of riding to the front of the pack. After the discovery of Hayes' death, all further post-race regulations were waived by the Jockey Club, the result being declared official without the customary formality of weighing in. Hayes, dressed in his colourful racing silks, was buried three days later. Sweet Kiss was never ridden in a race again and was known as "Sweet Kiss of Death" for the rest of her life.

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The Typewriter Art of Paul Smith

Next time you’re feeling a bit down, or that life is unfair, spare a thought for Paul Smith. Who? Paul Smith (1921 - 2007), a man with severe cerebral palsy. Instead of feeling sorry for himself, Smith (with great difficulty) used a typewriter to create amazing and beautiful works of art.

The following blurb gives a quick rundown:

Paul Smith, the man with extraordinary talent was born in Philadelphia on September 21, 1921 with severe cerebral palsy. Not only had Paul beaten the odds of a life with spastic cerebral palsy, a disability that impeded his speech & mobility but also taught himself to become a master artist as well as a terrific chess player even after being devoid of a formal education as a child. 

When typing, Paul used his left hand to steady his right one.. Since he couldn't press two keys at the same time, he almost always locked the shift key down and made his pictures using the symbols at the top of the number keys. In other words, his pictures were based on these characters ..... @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ 

Across seven decades, Paul created hundreds of pictures. He often gave the originals away. Sometimes, but not always, he kept or received a copy for his own records. 

As his mastery of the typewriter grew, he developed techniques to create shadings, colors, and textures that made his work resemble pencil or charcoal drawings." This great man passed away on June 25, 2007, but left behind a collection of his amazing artwork that will be an inspiration for many.

See him creating the artworks by clicking on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svzPm8lT36o

Some of Paul Smith’s works:

Detail of Mona Lisa 

Detail

Self Portrait

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the

way it is. The way you cope with it, is what makes

the difference.”

- Virginia Satir

By the way, I'm something of a typewriter, or rather computer, artist myself . . .

A person:

  0
/ I \  

 / \

A fish:
< 0 ) ) ) ><

A cat:
= ‘ . ‘ =

Another cat:

= ( 0 _ 0 ) =

Cat, back view:

 ^ - ^

(        )

(  o    )

I    I   I

(_ (__)

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Monday Miscellany: Some Odds, Ends and Personals

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Reader comments:

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From Arthur T, in response to the series of pics entitled Words Fail me:

“One thing is for sure, I will not be going to get a haircut with the barber that has the angle grinder. Have a nice day.”

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From Robyn T in response to the anecdote and pics of Gough Whitlam:

Hi Otto

And thank you for your story about Gough. There are so many wonderful stories featuring him and his wit and wisdom; how fortunate you are to have one of your own. I met and rubbed shoulders with him (metaphorically speaking as I'm a 164 cm minnow) when he attended our local ALP branch meeting sometime in 71. Those were the days when the party leaders were actually interested in the views of the party members. He even hung around afterwards to have coffee at the home of one of the comrades. 

Vale Gough

Robyn T 

From Charles X on the same topic:

Dear Otto

I didn’t watch much of Q & A last night, but a pertinent comment was made by Geoffrey Robertson. There was never any scandal or corruption with Gough Whitlam. He did what he thought was the right thing for the people without self- interest. Whether or not you follow his politics, I think that’s what makes the man “Great”.

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I am indebted to my father in law for the following anecdote about Rex Harrison (pictured below). Rex is best remembered as the English actor who played Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady, getting a Best Actor Oscar for his performance, and for the title role in Dr Dolittle.

The anecdote told to me by Noel also appears in the IMDB post about him and I will quote that:

He had a reputation for being very abrupt with his fans. One night, after a stage performance of "My Fair Lady", it was late, cold and pouring with rain and there was an old woman standing alone outside the Stage Door. When she saw Rex, she asked him for his autograph. Rex told her to "Sod off", and the old woman was so enraged at this that she rolled up her program and hit him with it. Stanley Holloway, who had followed Rex out in time to see this, congratulated him on not only making theatre history but, for the first time in world history, "The fan has hit the shit!"

Stanley Holloway

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Some other movie star trivia . . . 

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The phrase "In like Flynn," stems from his 1942 trial for statutory rape.

Flynn’s 1959 autobiography, "My Wicked Wicked Ways," was originally to be called "In Like Me."

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Jim Carrey’s second wife, actress Lauren Holley, once complained that her husband freaked her out because he couldn’t pass a mirror in their mansion without stopping, staring into it, and making funny expressions for at least fifteen minutes.

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Woody Allen, born Allan Stewart Konigsberg, legally changed his name to Heywood Allen. He goes by "Woody" in honour of Woody Herman (1913-1987), legendary clarinetist, composer, singer and bandleader. 

Woody Herman

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George Burns loved playing tricks on his best friend and fellow comedian Jack Benny. Once, they were getting lunch at the famed Brown Derby restaurant in Hollywood. George ordered Jack’s favourite dish, bacon and eggs, and wondered why his friend settled for cereal. Benny explained his wife Mary had been giving him a hard time at home about his diet and would kill him if he had bacon and eggs. The exasperated Burns shook his head. How pathetic! What was the point of working hard to become rich, famous and powerful if you were going to be henpecked? And Mary wasn’t even present. The inspired Benny nodded and changed his order. When they finished their hearty meals, George declared to the waiter that Jack would pick up the tab. The famous cheapskate turned red. “Why the hell should I pay it?”

“Well, if you don’t I’ll tell Mary you ate bacon and eggs.”

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When the Marx Brothers went to MGM studios to make movies in 1935, they had a hard time getting in to see producer Irving Thalberg (pictured above with Harpo, Groucho and Chico). Although they had scheduled meetings, Thalberg kept them waiting outside several times and the boys got fed up. One day, when Thalberg returned to his office, he discovered Harpo, Groucho, and Chico sitting naked on the floor of his office. The boys had started a bonfire in the middle of Thalberg's office and they sat roasting potatoes over the fire. A good sport, Thalberg told the boys to get some butter from the studio commissary, which Harpo did, and they all ate the potatoes together. After this incident, Thalberg never kept them waiting again.

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