Funny Friday

Friends Wayne and Carol have just returned from a cruise. Friend Graham has just left on one. There you have the theme for this week’s Funny Friday.

Cruise ships.

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A magician was working on a cruise ship. There was a different audience each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat". "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table". "Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After about a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

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From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. The cruise ship captain replied, "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

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A passenger was furious when his steak arrived too rare. “Waiter,” he shouted, “Didn’t you hear me say ‘Well done’?” “I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “We hardly ever get compliments here.”

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A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine* and three condoms. Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, “I’ll take it,” and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?

* Dramamine is a medicine for prevention and treatment of nausea, vomiting and dizziness associated with motion sickness.

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An oldie revised for cruise ships . . . 

A Filipino sailor rings the Captain, “Me no work, I sick.”

Captain says, “When I’m sick, I make love to my wife. Try that.”

Two hours later the Filipino sailor rings back, “Me better, you got nice cabin.”

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Steve was in his early 50’s, retired and had started a second career. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk.

‘Steven, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you’re being late so often is quite a worry.’

‘Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it,’ replied Steve.

‘I’m pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from a cruise ship. What did they say if you came in late there?’

‘They said, “Good morning, Captain.” ‘

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

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Gallery:

Corn Corner:

A software engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. Just as he was beginning to have fun, a hurricane roared in upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. 

One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But, where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the engineer. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," the engineer said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a palm tree. 

There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the engineer. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the engineer replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Wel, if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. 

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me," she asked, "We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too...isn't here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now! "Yes, there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, anymore," the woman said. The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out a way we can check our e-mails??!!!"

Quote for the Day

Famous Walls, Part 1

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The Great Wall of China

Stretching for 8.850 kilometres, the Great Wall of China, built in the 14h century, is the greatest man made barrier ever constructed. The Wall is a series of fortifications made of stone, brick, tamped earth, wood, and other materials, generally built along the northern borders of China to protect the Chinese states and empires against the raids and invasions of various nomadic groups. The Great Wall has on and off been rebuilt, maintained, and enhanced; the majority of the existing wall is from the Ming Dynasty (1368–1644).

Other purposes of the Great Wall have included border controls, allowing the imposition of duties on goods transported along the Silk Road, regulation or encouragement of trade and the control of immigration and emigration. The defensive characteristics of the Great Wall were enhanced by the construction of watch towers, troop barracks, garrison stations, signalling capabilities through the means of smoke or fire, and the fact that the path of the Great Wall also served as a transportation corridor.

It is a myth that it can be seen from space.

It is also not true that it was built to keep the rabbits out. For overseas readers, click on the following link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvlWQyvEI38

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The Western Wall, Israel, aka The Wailing Wall

The Western Wall in Jerusalem is the holiest of Jewish sites, sacred because it is a remnant of the Herodian retaining wall that once enclosed and supported the Second Temple. It has also been called the "Wailing Wall" by European observers because for centuries Jews have gathered here to lament the loss of their temple. The Western Wall Plaza, the large open area that faces the Western Wall, functions as an open-air synagogue that can accommodate tens of thousands of worshipers. Prayers take place here day and night, and special services are held here as well. The Western Wall was built by King Herod in 20 BC during his expansion of the Temple enclosure, and is part of a retaining wall that enclosed the western part of Temple Mount. In 70 AD, the Romans destroyed Jerusalem and its Temple. During the Ottoman Period (beginning in the 16th century), the wall became the Jews' chief place of pilgrimage, where they came to lament the destruction of the Temple. In 1967, immediately after the Six Day War, Israelis leveled the neighboring Arab district to create the Western Wall Plaza, which can accommodate tens of thousands of pilgrims.

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The Berlin Wall

The Berlin Wall was constructed in 1961 to separate West Berlin from surrounding East Germany and from East Berlin. Constructed without prior warning or notice, it divided families, friends and neighbourhoods. Imagine that your spouse is visiting family in North Sydney, or that you work in North Sydney, but live in South Sydney. Then a wall goes up that keeps you apart from 1961 until 1989, on pain of death. 

Erected by the East Germans, its official purpose was stated to be to protect the population from fascists. In reality the purpose was to prevent people fleeing to the West, prompting President Kennedy to declare in his 1963 “Ich bin ein Berliner’ speech: “Freedom has many difficulties and democracy is not perfect, but we have never had to put a wall up to keep our people in, to prevent them from leaving us.” It also prompted President Reagan, in his 1987 speech in Berlin, to demand “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”

Liberalization within the Eastern bloc and the breakdown of Soviet power in the Russian satellite countries saw the wall opened in 1989 and its dismantling in 1990, but not before 139 people lost their lives trying to get to the West and families lost loved ones.

Construction of the Berlin Wall

Berlin Wall Victims’ Memorial

Quote for the Day

“All the fat is the LORD’S.”

- Leviticus 3:16

One of the pics below of funny protest signs purports to quote Leviticus 3:12 as stating that God hates Times New Roman. I looked up that reference and found that it related to offering a killed goat to God, burning it and as to what bits belong to God. I also came across the Biblical edict that all fat belongs to the Lord.

In future, if anyone mentions weight, I will simply say “All fat is the Lord’s, Leviticus 3:16”.

I will tell the lycra clad gym junkies, “Don’t you know you are doing Satan’s work? All fat is the Lord’s. Leviticus 3:16.”

20 Funny Protest Signs

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Following on from the post of a couple of days ago of funny Trump protest signs (I especially liked the sign version of Kelly Rowlands' comment: "Blink twice Melania if you need help"), following are twenty funny protest signs of a general nature. More funny protest signs in future Bytes.

Caution:

The final pic contains risque language.

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Bonus sign pic . . 

(I have seen the same pic with other sign content so it may be photoshopped).

Quote for the Day

Mending Wall, a poem by Robert Frost

There have been famous walls throughout history, designed to keep people in, or keep people out, or both: the walls of Jericho, the Great Wall of China, Hadrian’s Wall, the Berlin Wall, Israel’s West Bank Wall . . . 

One of the early poems of Robert Frost (1874-1963) is called “Mending Wall” and was published in 1914.

The narrator of the poem describes how each year in Spring he and his neighbor meet to walk the wall separating their properties to inspect and make repairs. The speaker sees no reason for a wall when there is no stock to be confined, when there are only apple and pine trees, but his neighbour simply replies “Good fences make good neighbors”. 

Some interesting images and themes:

• Each Spring they repair the wall from damage caused by hunters and nature. The wall keeps falling, they keep putting the rocks back, much like Sisyphus, the mythological figure who was condemned to push a boulder to the top of a high hill, only to have it roll down each time he gets it to the top, and force him to do it all again.

• The speaker envisages two types of people: wall builders and wall breakers, those who want walls and the barriers they create and those who feel that such barriers should be assessed in terms of need: “… I’d ask to know / What I was walling in or walling out, / And to whom I was like to give offense.”

• Yet it is the speaker who initiates the contact each Spring, acknowledging that the speaker may well feel that the wall makes good neighbors.

• On a broader symbolic level, the wall represents order out of chaos, boundaries, orderliness.

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Mending Wall

Robert Frost, 1874 - 1963

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,

That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it,

And spills the upper boulders in the sun;

And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.

The work of hunters is another thing:

I have come after them and made repair

Where they have left not one stone on a stone,

But they would have the rabbit out of hiding,

To please the yelping dogs. The gaps I mean,

No one has seen them made or heard them made,

But at spring mending-time we find them there.

I let my neighbor know beyond the hill;

And on a day we meet to walk the line

And set the wall between us once again.

We keep the wall between us as we go.

To each the boulders that have fallen to each.

And some are loaves and some so nearly balls

We have to use a spell to make them balance:

‘Stay where you are until our backs are turned!'

We wear our fingers rough with handling them.

Oh, just another kind of outdoor game,

One on a side. It comes to little more:

There where it is we do not need the wall:

He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.'

Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder

If I could put a notion in his head:

'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn’t it

Where there are cows? But here there are no cows.

Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,

That wants it down.' I could say ‘Elves’ to him,

But it’s not elves exactly, and I’d rather

He said it for himself. I see him there

Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top

In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.

He moves in darkness as it seems to me,

Not of woods only and the shade of trees.

He will not go behind his father’s saying,

And he likes having thought of it so well

He says again, ‘Good fences make good neighbors.'

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Quote for the Day

“This is an adult person and a person who has spent many years organising beauty contests. He spent time with the most beautiful women in the world. I find it hard to imagine that he ran to a hotel to meet with our girls ‘of low social responsibility’. They are without question the best in the world but I doubt Trump took the bait.”

- Russian President Vladimir Putin brags that Russian prostitutes are “the best in the world” but said that he doubted that Donald Trump had succumbed to their temptations by engaging in a 2013 hotel sex party.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/01/17/russia-calls-british-author-donald-trump-dossier-runaway-swindler/

The quote is from a news item dated 17 January but I missed seeing it at the time.

Questions:

How does he know?

Will President Trump now defend American sex workers and dispute the claim?