Funny Friday

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Firstly, I don’t know whether my computer glitch is yet cleared up. It appears that when I checked with some of my office people, who are subscribers, as to whether they had received their Bytes, they said no. Hence I reposted the item about Milton Berle’s appendage, only to have some people say they had now received it twice. A giant cock-up is how Byter Steve M referred to it as in an email to me. I had the computer geek we use look at it and it might be that the office anti-virus had somehow “got itself in a big knot” (as he put it) and may have stopped those emails coming in. Let’s hope it is working properly now. In nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti. 

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Secondly, something quite different for today’s Funny Friday. 

Son Elliot put me onto a marvellous Facebook site called “Rate My Plate” where people post photographs of what they have cooked and invite reviews from members of the public. It is the comments that are a treasure. 

So today’s Bytes has a selection of those pics and comments . . . 

plus a couple of wotrd items to keep everyone happy.

Caution: some risque items ahead.

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Rate My Plate. . . 

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Full English by Alex J 

Nae Sika: Did you toast that bread with a warm hug? 

Dave Rogers: Did you start cooking the sausages last Tuesday? 

Jamie Durkin: How did you cook your toast? Breathing on it? 

Gillian Hamilton: Where is egg, black pudding, square sausage, beans, cuppa t? Full breakfast my hole. 

Emma Goswell: I’ve seen used tampons look more appetising than those tomatoes. Sake. 

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Beef Stew by Keane O 

Jordan Kaye: I needed a new PC password. I put in "BeefStew". It said the password is not stroganoff. 

Stuart McIlroy: That looks fucking epic. 10/10 definitely would bang 

Jeffrey Rogers: Why have you served it in a plant pot? 

Gregski Majchrzak: Did you chop your veggies with an axe? It’s a fucking choking hazard. 

Shawn Mitchell: Hi Mr butcher, can I have 20ps worth of beef please. 

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Tonight's Tea: Sosig with Beans and Pees by Rachel D 

(People on this site often use the spelling "sosig" for “sausage”) 

Phil King: Beans and peas? God will judge you and he'll find you guilty!! 

Robert Wallace Jr: . Beans and peas on the same plate is worthy of going on the register 

Martin Butters: Here's one i made earlier. . . 

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Lentils & Pork by Jim W 

Hayley Louise Smith: Hello! Is it me you're looking for? 

Beverly Avery: Looks like a fecking squashed hedgehog 

Jay Smith: Tito, the least handsome of the Jackson 5, was so self-conscious that he often had to be forced onstage with a fork. 

Adam Humphrey: When you forget to clean out the rabbit hutch for 3 weeks. 

John Walsh: Looks like Leo Sayer... 

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Fried Egg, Cheese and Bacun with Jalapeños by Thomas H 

Barry Schofield: Thomas, Thomas, Thomas... plastic cheese and jalapenos with an egg n bacon muffin... classic mistake, of an overly confident Estate Agent. 

Craig Carling: It's called a bacon and egg butty... The clue is in the name.... What in the name of christ on a bike is a sliver of plastic cheese and the devil's clinkers doing in there? 

Vanessa Tipper: I once told a waitress I didn’t want JAL OP IN OHs on my burger...how the fk was I to know it’s pronounced “Hala pee nose...” 

Bob Townsend: You can spell jalapeños but not bacon??? 

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Pulled Pork and Pancakes by Terrie W 

Adam Harvey: If I’m not mistaken this appears to be somewhere around the 4th and 5th circles of hell. 

Alex J Sebbinger-Sparks: What’s that poured over it? Castrol GTX?! 

Bruce Tannock: Whats for dessert? Ice cream served on a bed of boiled mince? 

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BBQ Ribs, Pulled Pork and Mash by Warren L 

Jack Dawson: This is amazing. Are you a dog Warren? Is this what your owners have left you? Good boy. 

Simon Russell: Where have you pulled the pork from? My great aunties underwear? 

Kate Victoria Fleet Who’s ribs did you bbq? A hamsters? 

Clare Denvir: I’ve pulled more meat out of my teeth. 

Curtis Johnson Even your pulled pork is doing a runner... 

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Roast Lamb with all the trimmings by Paul C 

Andy Cohen-Wray: Your donation of just £2 will help Paul C purchase some gravy granules so he can make some gravy for his dinner. 

Barri Corps: This little guy looks happy to be a part of it. 

Jessica Vandever: Is this goose shit on your lamb, Paul? 

Les Moon: Can anyone else see an owl on that plate? 

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A joke . . . 

A young Rabbi went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year-old Temple member. She graciously welcomed him into the parlour. 

While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a latex condom was floating on top of the water. 

The rabbi gulped, but decided he dare not say anything about it. However, after tea, curiousity got the best of him. "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but that bowl of water..." 

"Oh, yes," she said, smiling sweetly. "When I was in town I found a little foil package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said, ‘Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease,’ and you know, I think it works. I haven’t had a cold all winter." 

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Limerick of the Week: 

There was a young girl named Sapphire 

Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 

She said, "It's a sin, 

But now that it's in, 

Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 

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Corn Corner: 

Why did Hank Marvin never become an A-list music icon? 

He preferred to remain in the Shadows. 

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite......... one jar. 

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

Repeat Posts

Dear Readers

Due to some computer glitches, there have been no posts sent in the last two days. I believe that those problems are now rectified.

I am reposting last Tuesday's items, which did't get sent to subscribers.

Hopefully you will raise a smile, perhaps even a laugh.

Regards

Otto

Thought for the Day

Sinatra, Berle & Capote

Caution: risqué content follows. 

Yesterday I read again the Ava Gardner anecdote about former husband Frank Sinatra being anatomically blessed. Apparently she was asked what she had seen in Sinatra, who was short and weighed only 120 pounds. There are various versions of her response but all to the same effect: “He only weighs 120 but 20 pounds is cock.” 

Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner

My reason in posting this is that there was a related story I read about Milton Berle, Uncle Miltie as he was affectionately known. 

Milton Berle

Older readers will remember Milton Berle (1908 – 2002), an American comedian and actor. Berle's career as an entertainer spanned over 80 years, first in silent films and on stage as a child actor, then in radio, movies and television. As the host of NBC's Texaco Star Theater (1948–55), he was the first major American television star and was known to millions of viewers as "Uncle Miltie" and "Mr. Television" during TV's golden age. 

It has been said that when God was handing out willies, Uncle Miltie was at the head of the line, with Sinatra, Liam Neeson, Forrest Tucker, Orlando Bloom, David Beckham, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Affleck and Daniel Craig not far behind. 

Some stories about Milton Berle’s kielbasa: 

• At a memorial service for Berle at the New York Friars' Club, Freddie Roman solemnly announced, “We are here to honor Milton Berle, who passed away on March 27th. On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried.” 

• In his autobiography, Berle tells of being in a stream bath with Jackie Gleason when a man accosted him and challenged him to compare sizes. Gleason remarked, "Go ahead, Milton, just take out enough to win". 

Jackie Gleason

• Late-in-life interview with Milton Berle: “Are you talking about my endowment? I’ve had a little success with it, even recently at 88. So I guess it’s true. All I know, is that when I get an erection, I black out.” 

• Phil Silvers once told a story about standing next to Berle at a urinal, glancing down, and quipping, "You'd better feed that thing, or it's liable to turn on you!" 

Phil Silvers

• In the short story 'A Beautiful Child', Truman Capote wrote Marilyn Monroe as saying: "Christ! Everybody says Milton Berle has the biggest schlong in Hollywood." 

Bonus item: 

This one concerns the same subject matter but involves Truman Capote, an anecdote I have posted previously. 

Truman Capote

Capote was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar when he was recognised by a woman who had had a few too many drinks. She walked over to his table and drunkenly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband became angry at his wife's display of interest in another man. He also staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimidating position directly in front of Capote. He then unzipped his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. In the silence, everyone heard Capote in his soft, high-pitched voice say "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

Thought for the Day

Sinatra, Berle and Capote

Caution: risqué content follows. 

Yesterday I read again the Ava Gardner anecdote about former husband Frank Sinatra being anatomically blessed. Apparently she was asked what she had seen in Sinatra, who was short and weighed only 120 pounds. There are various versions of her response but all to the same effect: “He only weighs 120 but 20 pounds is cock.” 

Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner

My reason in posting this is that there was a related story I read about Milton Berle, Uncle Miltie as he was affectionately known. 

Milton Berle

Older readers will remember Milton Berle (1908 – 2002), an American comedian and actor. Berle's career as an entertainer spanned over 80 years, first in silent films and on stage as a child actor, then in radio, movies and television. As the host of NBC's Texaco Star Theater (1948–55), he was the first major American television star and was known to millions of viewers as "Uncle Miltie" and "Mr. Television" during TV's golden age. 

It has been said that when God was handing out willies, Uncle Miltie was at the head of the line, with Sinatra, Liam Neeson, Forrest Tucker, Orlando Bloom, David Beckham, Ralph Fiennes, Ben Affleck and Daniel Craig not far behind. 

Some stories about Milton Berle’s kielbasa: 

• At a memorial service for Berle at the New York Friars' Club, Freddie Roman solemnly announced, “We are here to honor Milton Berle, who passed away on March 27th. On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried.” 

• In his autobiography, Berle tells of being in a stream bath with Jackie Gleason when a man accosted him and challenged him to compare sizes. Gleason remarked, "Go ahead, Milton, just take out enough to win". 

Jackie Gleason

• Late-in-life interview with Milton Berle: “Are you talking about my endowment? I’ve had a little success with it, even recently at 88. So I guess it’s true. All I know, is that when I get an erection, I black out.” 

• Phil Silvers once told a story about standing next to Berle at a urinal, glancing down, and quipping, "You'd better feed that thing, or it's liable to turn on you!" 

Phil Silvers

• In the short story 'A Beautiful Child', Truman Capote wrote Marilyn Monroe as saying: "Christ! Everybody says Milton Berle has the biggest schlong in Hollywood." 

Bonus item: 

This one concerns the same subject matter but involves Truman Capote, an anecdote I have posted previously. 

Truman Capote

Capote was drinking one evening with friends in a crowded Key West bar when he was recognised by a woman who had had a few too many drinks. She walked over to his table and drunkenly asked him to autograph a paper napkin. The woman's husband became angry at his wife's display of interest in another man. He also staggered over to Capote's table and assumed an intimidating position directly in front of Capote. He then unzipped his trousers and, in Capote's own words, "hauled out his equipment." As he did this, he bellowed in a drunken slur, "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" It was a tense moment, and a hush fell over the room. In the silence, everyone heard Capote in his soft, high-pitched voice say "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can initial it."

Thought for the Day

Car Decoration

It always pays to think things through, to look at works from various angles and troubleshoot before there is trouble to shoot. Some of the following car decorations hit the mark, some are bizarre, others should have had commonsense applied beforehand . . .

(The front car is artwork on the van.  Can you imagine this overtaking you on the freeway?)

Thought for the Day