Bytes

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Divorce Cakes and More . . .

A client mentioned yesterday that he was going to throw a party when his divorce was final. I drew his attention to the numerous divorce cakes that are on display on the internet if one does a google search. There has been a previous Bytes post about divorce cakes but there are new images since then so here is a selection . . .

TV star Shanna Moakler's divorce from Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker. At Moakler's divorce party at a Bellagio nightclub in Las Vegas, guests were treated to a tiered wedding cake that featured a knife-wielding bride standing on top, while blood dripped down the side to the bottom, where a mortally wounded groom lay.

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“You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”

—Zsa Zsa Gabor

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“I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”

— Lucille Ball

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“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to.”

— Helen Rowland

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“I wanted to turn my divorce into a positive. What if I didn’t blame the other person for anything, and held myself 100 percent accountable? What if I checked my own s— at the door and put my children first? And reminded myself about the things about my ex-husband that I love, and fostered the friendship?”

— Gwyneth Paltrow

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“Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”

― Jennifer Weiner

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“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.”

— Coco Chanel

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“It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

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“Success is its own reward, but failure is a great teacher too, and not to be feared.”

— Sonia Sotomayor

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“I was a high-functioning depressive, seemingly pulled together and buttoned down. But inside deep, I was numb and mute. Now on the other side of divorce, I know that was me fragmented and doing my best to cope. But my body knew.”

— Liza Caldwell, SAS for Women Cofounder

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“It always gets worse before it can get better. But it will get better. Like everything else, and like our past struggles, at some point we win, but before that win, there’s always that loss that spurs us on.”

— Dolores Huerta

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“When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together it can be even worse.”

—Monica Bellucci

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“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”

— Toni Morrison

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“I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me.”

—Erica Jong

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“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.”

— Carol Burnett

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“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style.”

— Maya Angelou

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“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”

— Carrie Fisher

Friday, April 5, 2019

Quote for the Day

Attributed to various judges, including Judge Roy Bean:

The sentencing of Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales for murder, 1881:

"Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, in a few short weeks, it will be spring. The snows of winter will flow away, the ice will vanish, the air will become soft and balmy. In short, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, the annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass. But you won't be there.

The rivulet will run its soaring course to the sea. The timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots. The glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose. Still, you will not be here to see.

From every treetop, some wild woods songster will carol his mating song. Butterflies will sport in the sunshine. The gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, will be glad. But you will not be here to enjoy it.

Because I command the sheriff of the county to lead you away to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of some sturdy oak, and let you hang until dead. And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xaviar Gonzales, I further command that such officer retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain but bare, bleached bones of a coldblooded, bloodthirsty, throat-cutting, murdering S.O.B."

Funny Friday

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Another Friday, here are some items to bring a smaile as the weekend approaches and for Nelly to take to the Plaza , , ,

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Some humour . . .

It's the year 4020 and the ’MP’s’ are enacting an ancient ritual in ’Parliament’ of ’Downvoting the Theresa May Deal’.

They chant the holy words ”No Deal” and ”Brexit” as an effigy of ’The PM’ is burned at the stake.

No one can remember how this ancient tradition began or what it means.

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Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the neighbouring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, “Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?”

A few minutes later, Timmy returned.

“Well,” asked Mrs. Silver, “is she all right?”

“She’s fine, except that she’s angry at you.”

“At me?” the woman exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

“She said It’s none of your business how old she is.”

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Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks.

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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From the vault . . .

(This is a variation on the classic “fucker fish/dam fish” joke but a goodie nonetheless.)

The Archbishop of Canterbury is out having a meal with the Deacon of the Church of England. The waiter arrives, and asks for their orders.

"I'll have a bloody steak”, says the Deacon.

On hearing this, the Archbishop nearly fell off his seat.

"This is a high class establishment,” he says, "You can't go using language like that!"

The Deacon smiles, and says "Oh no, Archbishop. A bloody steak is the house specialty. It means extra rare."

"Ahh!" says the Archbishop, and orders the same.

Next week the Pope visits and the Archbishop takes him out to the same restrant. The waiter arrives and the Archbishop thinks he'll impress the Pope.

"I'll have the bloody steak,” he says to the waiter.

"Me too", says the Pope, "And plenty of fucking chips!"

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Gallery . . .

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Limerick of the Week . . .

Said a man to his spouse in East Sydenham,

“My best trousers! Now where have you hydenham?

It is perfectly true

They were not very new

But I foolishly left half a quidenham.”

(For the benefit of US readers, a “quid” is Brit slang (and Oz slang before we went decimal in 1966) for the pound unit of currency.)

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Corn Corner . . .

Was having dessert at a relative's house in America.

I complimented "This is good. A dessert pie filled with blueberry jam".

"Actually, it's Jell-O," she said.

"In the UK, we say jam. It's a good pie."

"You say good pie, and I say Jell-O, Jell-O, Jell-O . . . "

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So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means?

It’s not the end of the world.

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What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

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Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?

I do.

Thursday, April 4, 2019

Quote for the Day

This Be The Verse

From the vault: March 13, 2014;

This Be The Verse

Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

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Philip Arthur Larkin (1922 – 1985) was an English poet, novelist and librarian. After graduating from Oxford in 1943 Larkin became a librarian. It was during the thirty years he worked with distinction as university librarian at the University of Hull that he produced the greater part of his published work. His poems are marked by what his biographer Andrew Motion calls a very English, glum accuracy about emotions, places, and relationships, and what Donald Davie described as lowered sights and diminished expectations. Larkin himself said that deprivation for him was what daffodils were for Wordsworth.

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"This Be The Verse” was written by Larkin in 1971.

Hear him read the poem by clicking on the following link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rjRYSfCJvM

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The title of the poem, This Be The Verse, is an allusion to Robert Louis Stevenson’s 's Requiem, which contains the lines:

Under the wide and starry sky,

Dig the grave and let me lie.

Glad did I live and gladly die,

And I laid me down with a will.

This be the verse you grave for me:

Here he lies where he longed to be;

Home is the sailor, home from sea,

And the hunter home from the hill.

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In 2009 the first four lines of the poem were recited by a British appeal court judge as part of his judgement of a nasty and acrimonious divorce case involving the future custody arrangements of a nine-year-old child. Lord Justice Wall referred to the emotional damage caused to the child, saying:

'They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.'

These four lines seem to me to give a clear warning to parents who, post-separation, continue to fight the battles of the past, and show each other no respect. Separated parents, in my experience, frequently fail to understand that their children love both of them, and have loyalty to both. Such an attitude on the part of children is normally as it should be. The fact that one parent has come to hate the other, or that both hate each other, is no reason for the child not to love both and have loyalty to both. It thus poses the most enormous difficulties for the children of separated parents when each parent vilifies the other, or makes it clear that he or she has no respect for the other. . . . [the parents of the boy] have undoubtedly caused him serious harm by their ongoing mutual dislike and recriminations".

http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2009/apr/30/divorce-judge-philip-larkin

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Criminal Minds, known for well-known quotes at the end of each episode, quoted the first verse in the second episode of Criminal Minds Season 9, but changed the first line instead to "They mess you up, your mum and dad" to omit the swear word.

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It was also recited by Dennis Waterman in that wonderful Brit series New Tricks.

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Thought for the Day

Car Work

Not everyone wants to fix damage to a car, for various reasons: time, money, laziness, whatever. Still others decide that adding some sort of decoration or comment works just as well. The following pics and comments are from Bored Panda at:

https://www.boredpanda.com/creative-car-dents-scratch-fix-cover-up/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

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#1 Dent Covered With A Detailed Map Of The Region Using A Permanent Marker Pen

I want a dent in my car! So it become something like this. :-P

I love this!

Actually looks like a very expensive detailed paint job! This should become his career, either that or become a Tattoo artist. . .

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#2 If Anybody Has Thor’s Number, I Found His Hammer

It’s funny because the hammer will be there forever because only Thor can pick it up

Not entirely true. Anyone who is deemed worthy can wield Thor's hammer.

The car seems to be worthy.

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#3 That's One Way To Deal With Car Scratches

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#4 Making The Best Out Of A Bad Situation

I feel like they would fall out...anyone else???

They're probably been hot glued or stuck down somehow

Yeah a lot of these are scaring me. In the UK no way would that pass a Ministry of Transport, the vehicle would not be roadworthy due to sharp edges.

Welcome to America! As long as it passes emissions testing, and isn't actively shedding parts, it drives.

Houston. We have a problem.

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#5 This Car Scratch Cover Up

Must have been Monday.

Dammit Garfield

Where’s the lasagna!

This is why we can't have nice things!

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#6 Mailbox: 1, Honda: 0

That one hurts. Because that's how I wrecked my own car. Stupid brick mailboxes.

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#7 The Way The Owner Of This Car Dealt With His Dent

So 60s. I love it.

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#8 Nice Way To Cover Up The Dents

Did you REALLY think you could lock me in the trunk? Ha-ha-ha!

Hulk mad!!

HULK SMASH!!!

Didn't even notice the dent

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#9 My Ninja Turtles Drawing On A Bumper Dent

I bet he also uses Turtle wax

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More to come

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Quote for the Day

"In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitchhiker's Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopaedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON'T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover."

- Douglas Adams (1952-2001),

The Hitchhiker's Gide to the Galaxy

Some April Fool pranks and Brett's Monthly

Some April Fool's Day jokes yesterday:

Orange turns Pink

The city of Orange, NSW declared it would be changing its name to Pink later this year.

“We’re already known throughout the country as Orange, so it’s not a big deal to make the switch to Pink. It’s only a few shades to the right on the colour spectrum,” Orange Mayor Reg Kidd said.

Caddie Marshall, general manager from Orange 360, believes the name change will also support local food producers in the area.

“The old name was so confusing, because we don’t grow Oranges in Orange. We grow pink lady apples, so the name change will not only boost visitation to the area, it will also support our growers.”

Sportsbet Opera House deal:

Online bookmaker Sportsbet announced a three-year agreement with the newly elected NSW Government to be the official naming rights sponsor of the iconic Sydney Opera House.

The multi-million dollar agreement would see the world famous sails turn Sportsbet blue once the sun sets each day.

Brett's Monthly:

Brett, as usual, has sent me the current month's holidays and special days.

Thanks Brett.

Click on the daily items to expand the links . . .

Month: