FUNNY FRIDAY

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As lockdown continues for us here and looks like again being extended, here is another jab of jokes, japes and jocularity; a shot of smiles, snorts and snickers; a chill pill of chuckles and chortles . . . FF won’t allow you to leave your home but it will act as an anaesthetic for a few minutes. So enjoy an escape from reality for a period, dear readers, with this week’s jokes, which are mostly long ones . . .

Caution: risque content follows.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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One from Russia . . .

by the way, the Federal Security Service (FSB) replaced the KGB in 1991.

A Russian man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Putin. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades, you shouldn't joke like that here. Every room is bugged, you know..."

"Nonsense! Who would listen to us?" 

"Well, let me show you."

The man walks up to a socket and says into it: "Comrade major, can I have a cup of tea please?"

Sure enough, the staff member soon enters with a cup of tea.

"See, told you."

The three men are pale and quiet for the entire night, so the tired man finally gets some good sleep.

He wakes up the next morning alone. He walks downstairs and asks the receptionist about the fate of the three men.

"At 3 in the morning the FSB ame and arreted them. Comrade major also said that he liked your little trick, but warned you to be careful next time."

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How about this . . . an Olympics joke that incorporates the FSB as well . . .

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishmen" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest pleasure in life is going on holiday without your wife, and meeting a beautiful girl with whom you have a passionate love affair before returning home back to work".

"You are both wrong" scoffs the Russian. "The greatest pleasure in life is when you are sleeping at home and the FSB breaks your door down at 3.00am, bursts into your room and says 'Ivan Ivanovich, you are under arrest' and you can reply 'Sorry tovarisch, Ivan Ivanovich lives next door'".

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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.

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Also in homage to the Tokyo Olympics . . .

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

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The following item was sent to me by son Thomas (thanks amigo), a tweet by  legal journalist Karen Sweeney. The twitter link is at:

https://twitter.com/karenlsweeney/status/1422394668965195780

Her article, which recounts the story as well, is dated August 3, 2021 and can be read at:

https://thewest.com.au/news/crime/deportation-possible-over-hat-theft-death-c-3581551

Karen Sweeney

@karenlsweeney

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3 Aug

WORST NIGHTMARE. Someone just accidentally unmuted themselves while calling a barrister a "fuckwit" in the Supreme Court.

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Karen Sweeney

@karenlsweeney

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3 Aug

Lawyer: "Perhaps the person who said it can identify themselves. It was a male voice." Judge: "I'm not sure much is gained by that. Don't take it personally. Obviously whoever said it didn't intend it for your ears."

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Karen Sweeney

@karenlsweeney

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3 Aug

Lawyer: "It's my first time ... being called a fuckwit while I’m cross examining a witness." Judge: "It shouldn't have been said in a way that was audible to you." Lawyer: "I would appreciate an apology from the person who said it before I continue."

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Karen Sweeney

@karenlsweeney

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3 Aug

For those asking, there was no apology and the speaker hasn't been identified. In part, I suspect, because he immediately died after realising what he'd done.

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Karen Sweeney

@karenlsweeney

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3 Aug

Also, I'm sorry to disappoint the significant number of people speculating that it was the judge, but it wasn't the judge.

LAW & LAWYERS

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

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There was a young bride of Antigua,

Whose husband said: "Dear, how big you are!"

Said the girl: "What damn'd rot,

Why, you've oft felt my twot,

My legs and my arse and my figua!"

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GALLERY:

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As my son pointed out to me, the judge did not at all appear concerned at the content of what was said, only that the microphone had been unmuted,

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There was a young bride of Antigua,

Whose husband said: "Dear, how big you are!"

Said the girl: "What damn'd rot,

Why, you've oft felt my twat,

My legs and my arse and my figua!"

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GALLERY:

Sent to me by Rosie J and Leo M, thanks Rosie and Leo . . .

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CORN CORNER:

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A soldier finds a woman at the side of the road crying, and she tells him she’s left her keys in her car. The soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

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Okay, it’s not PC but dammit, it is funny. It also helps if you visualise Chico Marx telling it . . .

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '

‘Eacha da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One ‘undred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree.

So now you gotta dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

THOUGHT FOIR THE DAY

 Sent to me by RJ . . . 

SPORTING WORDS AND PHRASES, PART 1

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There was occasion yesterday when someone used the expression “jump the gun” in an email. It started me wondering as to the origin of that phrase. The first thing that came to mind is that it might have started akin to the practice in some backwoods areas of the US were, in the absence of a preacher, couples could marry by jumping over a broom three times. The actual origin was much more logical and, like a magic trick revealed, made a lot more sense and made me wonder how I had ever questioned it in the first place.

It also prompted me to look up the origins of some other sporting words and phrases, and those which have come from sports and passed into wider usage, quite appropriate at this time with the Olympics being one? Is anyone watching? I am here and there.

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Some origins . . .

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Jump the gun:

Meaning:

Start something too soon or early, especially without thinking; do something before it should be done

Origin:

This phrase originated from track and field races and was known since the early 1900s. It refers to athletes starting the race before the gun was fired (which was used to signal to start of the race). This phrase was preceded in America by “beat the gun”.

The use of 'jump' derives from the 'make a sudden, unexpected movement' meaning of the word. This usage is apparent in earlier phrases 'jump someone's claim' and 'jump ship' and the later (mid 20th century) 'jump the queue'.

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Carry the ball:

Meaning:

Take charge, advance a cause.

Origin:

This usage comes from such sports as football, where the ball-carrying player gives the team yardage or a touchdown. By the early 1900s it was being transferred to other endeavours.

The inventor of basketball, Dr. James Naismith, stands in a field carrying a ball and a basket.

By the way:

Naismith, a Canadian professor of physical education and instructor at the International Young Men's Christian Association Training School (now Springfield College) in Springfield, Massachusetts, invented the game in 1891. Trying to keep his gym class active on a rainy day, he sought a vigorous indoor game to keep his students occupied and at proper levels of fitness during the long New England winters. After rejecting other ideas as either too rough or poorly suited to walled-in gymnasiums, he invented a new game in which players would pass a ball to teammates and try to score points by tossing the ball into a basket mounted on a wall. Naismith wrote the basic rules and nailed a peach basket onto an elevated track. Naismith initially set up the peach basket with its bottom intact, which meant that the ball had to be retrieved manually after each "basket" or point scored. This quickly proved tedious, so Naismith removed the bottom of the basket to allow the balls to be poked out with a long dowel after each scored basket.

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Down and out:

Meaning:

Lacking money or prospects; penniless or destitute.

Origin:

The phrase comes from boxing. A boxer who is "down" has been knocked to the canvas, and one who is also "out" is unconscious or unable to resume the fight; thus a down-and-out boxer is utterly defeated. It dates from the 19th century. Since the early 20th century the phrase “down and out: has been used to describe a person without money, a job, or a place to live.

Once I lived the life of a millionaire, spendin' my money I didn't have a care

I carried my friends out for a good time, buying bootleg liquor, champagne and wine

When I begin to fall so low, I didn't have a friend and no place to go

So if I ever get my hand on a dollar again, I'm gonna hold on to it 'til them eagles grin

Nobody knows you, when you down and out

In my pocket not one penny, and my friends I haven't any

- Lyrics from 1929 blues standard “Nobody Knows You When You’re Down and Out” by Bessie Smith

Hear it by clicking on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zea-1Fzi9JQ

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Down for the count; out for the count:

Meaning:

To be defeated.

Origin:

This phrase is also from boxing, referring to a boxer being knocked down. The referee will count off ten seconds, the time allotted for the boxer to regain his feet or lose the fight. Down for the count may imply a temporary setback, as down does not necessarily imply out.

The earliest use in print is in the Newark Daily Advocate newspaper, 1900:

“Jack root, the undefeated middleweight of Chicago at Tattersall’s obtained the decision over Dick O’Brien of Lewiston, Maine, at the end of six rounds, after one of the fiercest battles ever witnessed in this city. O’Brien was in poor condition or probably the result would have been different, as he had Root down for the count three times in the second round.”

One of the most iconic images of a fighter down:

Muhammad Ali stands over fallen challenger Sonny Liston, shouting and gesturing shortly after dropping Liston with a short hard right to the jaw on May 25, 1965, in the first minute of the first round of the heavyweight fight. Ali died in 2016.

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Down to the wire:

Meaning:

To the very end or last minute.

Origin:

The expressions stems from horse racing and refers to the length of wire stretched across a racetrack at the finish line. It dates from about 1900. Before the days of electronic measurement and photo finishes the method adopted in the 19th century to decide the winner of a close race was to string a wire across the track above the finishing line.

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Drop the ball:

Meaning:

To make an error, to miss an opportunity.

Origin:

In games where a ball may be legally caught (e.g. baseball) or carried (e.g. American football), a player (or the player's team) may be penalized for dropping the ball; for example, an American football player who drops a ball ("fumbles") risks having the ball recovered and carried by the other team; in baseball, a player who drops a thrown or batted ball may be charged with an error. In Australia in Rugby League, dropping the ball is known as a knock on (knocked forward), resulting in what often looks like a curious bonding ritual known as a scrum.

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QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

G SPOT: ROMANOV WINTER BALL, 1903

 

As I was pondering what to post, Graham’s latest email arrived with some interesting pics and background to a 1903 costume bash thrown by the Russian Romanovs. The link Graham provided to the story on History Daily headed the article “The Winter Ball of 1903: This Obscenely Opulent Costume Party Will be the Last Hurrah for Imperialist Russia.”

Below is Graham’s post . . . 

Hi Mr O,

In 1903, the Romanovs, Russia’s last and longest-reigning royal family, held a lavish costume ball. It was to be their final blowout, and perhaps also the “last great royal ball” in Europe.

The party took place at the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, 14 years before Tsar Nicholas II’s abdication, on the 290th anniversary of Romanov rule. The Tsar invited 390 guests and the ball ranged over two days of festivities, with elaborate 17th-century boyar costumes, including “38 original royal items of the 17th century from the armoury in Moscow.”

https://historydaily.org/the-winter-ball-of-1903

The event was documented by the leading photographers of the time and those archives have been colourised by Russian Translator and amateur colourist Olga Shirnina, also known as Klimbim.

https://klimbim2014.wordpress.com/

https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/07/16/romanov-costume-ball-1903/

Group photograph

Cheers

Mr G

Thanks Graham.

Some additional pics

Tsar Nicholas 11

The Tsar’s wife Empress Alexandra Feodorovna Romanov.

Grand Duke Mikhail Alexandrovitch.

The Royal couple dressed as one of the 17th century Tsars and his consort. Tsarina Alexandra's brocade gown and crown were studded with gemstones all chosen by the court jeweller, Faberge. The modern day estimate for this outfit is 10 million euros. The event was held in sumptuous surroundings at a time when many Russians were impoverished and repressed.

Grand Duke Alexander Mikhailovitch (pictured above) recalled the occasion as "the last spectacular ball in the history of the empire ... [but] a new and hostile Russia glared through the large windows of the palace ... while we danced, the workers were striking and the clouds in the Far East were hanging dangerously low."

Mikhailovich, brother-in-law of Czar Nicholas, fled to Crimea with his family after the Russian Revolution; they were rescued by the British battleship HMS Marlborough in 1919.

Tsar Nicholas and his family were unable to escape. After months of imprisonment, the entire family met their end in the basement of a house in Ekaterinburg on July 17, 1918. The Russian Imperial Romanov family (Emperor Nicholas II, his wife Empress Alexandra and their five children: Olga, Tatiana, Maria, Anastasia, and Alexei) were shot and bayoneted to death by Bolshevik revolutionaries.

QUOTES FOR THE DAY

 

Bonus quote:

POETRY SPOT

 

2 poems + one of mine for your enjoyment today, readers , , ,

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Memories are funny things is a short poem by English poet, Ms Moem.

From her website bio:

Mrs Moem, born 1980, is a British poet, author and spoken word artist. She has been writing poetry professionally since 2008. When she isn’t writing, she favours creative pursuits such as painting, calligraphy, photography, scrap-booking and cooking. She lives on the edge of the Lake District with her family and is mum to four amazing offspring.

My own contribution:

There was a lady called Moem

Who liked to write while at hoem.

But her skills were worse

Writing limerick verse,

The ultimate test in a poem.

Memories Are Funny Things

    -  by Mrs Moem

Memories are funny things.

You hear your favourite singer sing

And all at once, that voice is stored,

Recognisable evermore.

You visit towns, you see the sights,

You feel the heat, you see the light

And that becomes a picture, saved;

A snapshot of a happy day.

And all you ever need to do

Is think about that perfect view

And all at once, you’re there once more

Seeing it as you previously saw.

A scent or sound can do the same.

A hint, and whoosh, you’re back again.

You’re in the room, you’re with the guy,

No matter how much time’s passed by.

And if you listen close enough

The voices of the ones you love

Will stay inside your clever mind

For you to recall, anytime!

So soak up life and all it brings

Cos memories are funny things.

They’re weaved from all you see or do.

Make them good. It’s up to you.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY