FUNNY FRIDAY

-------☹😊☹-------

So today is Friday 13th.

Some facts and trivia:

• According to Smithsonian Magazine "fear of the #13 costs American a billion dollars per year in absenteeism, train and plane cancellations, and reduced commerce on the 13th of the month."

• Although the doom and gloom associated with Friday the 13th is often associated with Jesus (13 at the Last Supper, crucified on Friday), the fear of Friday the 13th actually dates back to Nordic Mythology. Many of their thirteenth Gods met with violent deaths, such as Loki, the trickster. Ancient Romans also regarded the number 13 as a symbol of death, destruction and misfortune. The more modern negative association of Friday the 13th with bad luck is often attributed to the downfall of the Knights Templar, which happened on Friday 13th October 1307. This date saw the catastrophic destruction of the Knights Templar at the hands of King Philip of France and his puppet Pope Clement V, for the purpose of seizing their wealth. The Knights were burned at the stake on the 13th.

• Every month starting on a Sunday, will have a Friday the 13th in it.

• Hotels rarely have a room number 13. Usually it is called 12a or 14. Same with floors of buildings and the elevators without a #13 button.

• The US Seal has 13 stars, bars, feathers in the eagle's tail, 13 bars in one claw, 13 olive branches in the other.

• On the USA Dollar Bill, there are 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 bars on the shield, and 13 leaves on the olive branch.

• Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the Number 13.

So, dear readers, enjoy your Friday, the 13th of the month, there being a bit of Friday the 13th humour thrown into the below mix.

-------☹😊☹-------

SOME HUMOUR:

---------oOo--------

Roger left for work on Friday 13th morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet. Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that Roger could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

---------oOo--------

Happy Friday the 13th, you crazy kids. Remember if your car breaks down on a rainy night, and you can't get a cell phone signal, the best thing you can do is walk to the nearby derelict summer camp and split up to look for a landline and/or a place to have sex and/or smoke weed.

---------oOo--------

The first rule of Condescending club......

is kind of complex, and I don't think you would understand it, even if I explained it to you !

---------oOo--------

A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a pagan all walk into a Starbucks.

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead.

---------oOo--------

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome

Had a really bad start, but by the end I really liked it.

---------oOo--------

“Friday 13th” - Ooh! How quaint. You don’t scare us anymore, Friday 13th. Nothing scares us now.

-------☹😊☹-------

After having their tenth child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid. The husband went to his doctor in Hobart and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home and get a large fire cracker, light it, put it in an empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The guy said to the doctor, "I may not be a smart man, but I don't see how putting a cracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." He wanted a second opinion so he visited a doctor in Launceston.

That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Tasmania he told him to go home and get a fire cracker, light it and put it in an empty beer can. then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure of the first doctor he decided that it MUST work. So the man went home, lit the fire cracker and put it in the beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

-------☹😊☹-------

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.

"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."

After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word 'splork' were interchangeable with the word 'wish'."

“Next, I wish your initial injunction pertained only to the concept of wishing paired with the particular word 'wish' as opposed to the concept itself, which you were merely signifying with that word.”

“Aaaaand I splork for infinite splorks."

The genie sighs and says, "This is why nobody likes lawyers."

-------☹😊☹-------

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

From Bytes in 2018 . . .

The incredible Wizard of Oz,

Retired from his business becoz.

Due to up-to-date science,

To most of his clients,

He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

-------☹😊☹-------

-------☹😊☹-------

GALLERY:

Friday 13th 2021 - what could possibly go wrong?

-------☹😊☹-------

CORN CORNER:

________________

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

________________

How do you make Seven even?

Take away the S

________________

Ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently.  

Went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forward picked the bag up put it on the passenger seat and there it was again more rustling and little eyes looking out from the bag. I thought it's got to be a rat or mouse or something so I carefully pulled the bag open....And there it was ...

A peeking duck.

-------☹😊☹-------

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

HAIKU ERROR MESSAGES

From the Vault

It has been suggested that life would be a little less harsh if computer fail messages were written in haiku.

I don’t know if that’s true, see what you think when you read what some have put forward as alternative haiku error messages . . . 

(Is it just me that hears these haiku in your mind as spoken in Kwai Chen Caine's pausing, stilted delivery in the old TV series Kung Fu?  Oh, it's just me.  I was asking for a friend.)

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

Yesterday it worked,

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire,

The network is down.

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,

but the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

Rather than a beep

Or a rude error message,

These words: “File not found.”

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

The website you seek

cannot be located but

endless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

so beautifully.

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao, until

You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

Error messages

cannot completely convey.

We now know shared loss.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

TURN BACK THE CLOCK

-------☹😊☹-------

"Home from Camp", Norman Rockwell.

It may be cool to be cynical but I don't mind a dose of nostalgia and sentimentality.

Some wise words in the following poem, especially in these strange Covid days . . .

Turn Back The Clock

     - Author unknown

If I had the power to turn back the clock,

Go back to that house at the end of the block-

The house that was home when I was a kid,

I know that I'd love it more now than I did.

If I could be back there at my mother's knee,

And hear once again all the things she told me,

I'd listen as I never listened before,

For she knew so well just what life had in store.

And all the advice that my dad used to give -

His voice I'll remember as long as I live;

But it didn't seem really important then;

What I'd give to live it all over again.

And what I would give for the chance I once had

To do so much more for my mother and dad;

To give them more joy and a little less pain;

A little more sunshine - a little less rain.

But the years roll on and we cannot go back,

Whether we were born in a mansion or shack;

But we can start right now - in the hour that's here,

To do something more for the ones we hold dear.

And since time in its flight is traveling so fast,

Let's not spend it regretting that which is past;

But let's make tomorrow a happier day

By doing our "good unto others" --- today.

-------☹😊☹-------

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

MORE STREET ART . . .

It always fascinates me how some people can look at a crack in a wall, a manhole cover or a pipe and see a witty image or a satirical statement. The following will show what I mean . . .

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

SYDNEY SUBURBS: COLYTON

COLYTON -

Location:

Colyton is located 43 kilometres west of the Sydney central business district, in the local government area of the City of Penrith. It is part of the Greater Western Sydney region and is the easternmost suburb of the City of Penrith.

Name origin:

Colyton is named after Colyton in Devon, England, which had been the home town of the wife of William Cox Junior, son of the famous builder of the road across the Blue Mountains, also named William.

Digression:

William Cox Snr (1764 – 1837) was an English soldier, explorer, road builder and pioneer in the early period of British settlement of Australia.

Portrait of William Cox, 1830

Another image of William Cox

Cox sailed for New South Wales in 1799 on the Minerva, with his wife and four sons. Aboard the ship were around 160 convicts, including Joseph Holt and Henry Fulton who were among many political prisoners. Cox used his influence so that the prisoners were often allowed up on deck for fresh air, and Holt in his memoirs states that as a result "the ship was the healthiest and best regulated which had ever reached the colony". Yay for the Day for William Cox.

Upon arrival of The Minerva in Sydney, Cox purchased a 100-acre (40 ha) farm and made Holt its manager. Further land was purchased but in 1803 large liabilities led to Cox's estate being placed into the hands of trustees. He was suspended from office due to allegations that regimental accounts were involved. Cox returned to England in 1807 to answer allegations that he had misused army funds. Cox was cleared in 1808, and was promoted to Captain of 102nd Regiment of Foot, and placed in charge of Irish political prisoners. However, the London Gazette of 19 April 1808 records, "Paymaster William Cox, of the New South Wales Corps, is dismissed the Service."

In 1811 Cox returned to Australia. Once back there, he resigned his commission and became principal magistrate at Hawkesbury. He was also responsible for erecting many government buildings.

As every schoolchild in Sydney knows (or at least they did when I was a kid), Sydney settlement was hemmed in by the Blue Mountains to its West. At a time when new grazing pastures were sorely needed, every attempt to cross the Blue Mountains had ended in failure. That is, until 1813 when Blaxland, Wentworth and Lawson succeeded (again as every schoolchild can repeat by rote) by sticking to the ridges and not the valleys. No points for guessing who the Blue Mouuntains townships of Blaxland, Wentworth Falls and Lawson are named for.

In 1814, Governor Lachlan Macquarie approved Cox's offer of superintending and directing the working party that would build a road crossing the Blue Mountains, between Sydney and Bathurst. The completed dirt track was 12 feet (3.7 m) wide by 101 miles (163.3 km) long, built using five free men, 30 convict labourers and eight soldiers.

Starting at Emu Plains on 18 July 1814, in four months the team had completed a road covering a distance of 47 miles to Mount York. In six months, Cox had crossed the Blue Mountains with a road of one hundred and one miles all the way to Bathurst.

The road opened the way for new settlement although this was limited in the early years.

Macquarie surveyed the finished road in April 1815 by driving his carriage along it from Sydney to Bathurst. He commended Cox and as a reward Cox was awarded 2,000 acres (810 ha) of land near Bathurst.

The road became known as Cox's Road and over time much of it has been bypassed in favour of easier grades. The steep grades of Cox’s road made it unsuitable in places for horse-drawn vehicles. In 1832 a new road from Mount Victoria to Hartley was built by Major Thomas Mitchell. This road made it possible to travel safely via wagons and coaches, but the route was still not much travelled until the gold rushes of the 1850s.

Parts of Cox’s erection remain standing and visible - the Old Bathurst Road section of Cox's Road at Woodford is one of the most easily accessible, largely intact and still clearly recognisable surviving sections of the 1814 road within the Blue Mountains. It extends for over a kilometre beside and overlapping with an unsurfaced local road along the top of the ridge. It can be accessed either from Hepburn Road or from Old Bathurst Road and Taylor Road, Woodford.

Enough history, back to Colyton . . .

The property of 800 acres (3.2 km2) owned by William Cox Jnr had been granted to him in 1819 by Governor Macquarie. It was located on the southern side of the Western Highway opposite the present Colyton Primary School (which, despite its name, is not located in Colyton, but across the Great Western Highway in Old Mt Druitt.).

The land was only used for grazing and wheat growing.

In 1842, a notice appeared in the Sydney Herald advertising the auction sale of William Cox's estate to form the 'Village of Colyton' with surrounding farmlets. The land was described as partly forest and partly alluvial with grass on it being 'abundant and nutritious'. The timber on the land was described as being fit for 'building and farming purposes' and the water 'abundant and never failing' from nearby Ropes Creek.

Historically, the name Colyton generally referred to the area east of Ropes Creek. The present site of Colyton was originally part of St Marys.

About:

Colyton’s boundaries are Ropes Creek, the Great Western Highway, Marsden Road and the M4 Western Motorway.

It is one of the older suburbs in the St Marys area, primarily residential with large sporting fields.

There is some industrial activity along Roper Road.

According to the 2016 census:

- there were 8,439 people in Colyton.

- Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people made up 5.1% of the population.

- 66.9% of people were born in Australia. The next most common countries of birth were New Zealand 3.0%, Philippines 2.4%, England 2.1%, Fiji 2.0% and India 1.4%.

- The most common occupations included Clerical and Administrative Workers 18.3%, Machinery Operators and Drivers 16.4%, Technicians and Trades Workers 13.4%, Labourers 13.3%, and Community and Personal Service Workers 10.6%.

Gallery:

Above: The first public school in the Mt Druitt area was Colyton School on the highway. The school was there from 1864 to 1883 and is now a vacant paddock after being destroyed by fire in 1964.

Above: The Mt Druitt Hall which WW2 RAAF veteran Dick Simpson transformed into the Vogue Cinema in 1946.

AboveL Crowds of people lined up outside the Mt Druitt Hall. Date unknown.

The Sargents company, manufacturer of famous pies and sausage rolls, is located  in Roper Road at Colyton. The business is the successor to that conducted by George Sargent (1859 - 1921) and Charlotte Sargent (1856 - 1924), pastry cooks and caterers who were husband and wife.

Above: Sargents Pies were first produced by George and Charlotte Sargent at their shop in Paddington. The small pies sold for a penny each. Although this business was eventually sold, in 1901 the couple and their son Harley opened two bakeries and refreshment rooms in the city. Sargents Pies (now distributed only in frozen form) account for about half of Sydney’s pie sales.

These two classrooms of Colyton Public School were erected and furnished for 529 pounds in 1898. Mr Edgar Fuller became the first Headmaster at this school. He opened a Colyton School in 1861 and retired in 1889, after 28 years of teaching and in three different buildings at Colyton public schools.

1898 classroom, Colyton Public School

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

FROM THE VAULT

From the Vault:

From Bytes August 23, 2013

Because I’m a Man . . . 

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the NRMA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2021, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Next Tuesday we all have to file our online census form.

The following is from an article at news.com on what not to do . . .

During the 2001 census, there was a debacle as thousands of people lied about their religion for a laugh. Officials knew they were lying because, well, it was pretty obvious. They identified as being from the religious order of the Jedi – which is a Star Wars reference.

Glenn Capuano, a demographer who worked at the ABS for 10 years, wrote . . . 

“A lot of people … answered ‘Jedi’, or some other variant such as ‘Jedi Knight’, ‘Jedi Master’, ‘Sith Lord’, or ‘Padawan’,” he explained for the religious question in the census. In the 2001 Census, there were just over 73,000 Jedi in Australia, or 0.37 per cent of the population. To put in perspective, if it was allowed as an ‘official’ religion, it would’ve been larger than the Salvation Army, Seventh Day Adventists, and only slightly smaller than Judaism.”

Census was furious, and put out an official statement disavowing any legitimate religious movement to the popular Star Wars franchise.

Census 2021: ABS to fine Australians $2200 for lying

Census night is fast approaching and there are serious consequences for anyone who decides not to answer questions properly.

news.com

August 5, 2021

https://www.news.com.au/finance/money/costs/census-2021-abs-to-fine-australians-2200-for-lying/news-story/43ff44752f023145b916ce9464d2819f

So remember, next Tuesday is census night, not Jedi Knight.