THE BALLAD OF RUM

 

The Ballad Of Rum

    by Peter R Wolveridge 

A dog wandered into our garden one day,

A friendly old mutt, didn't look like a stray.

We never discovered whence he had come,

But we brushed him and fed him and the kids called him Rum.

Now as family members, even dogs must work hard,

So we put Rum on duty next door in our yard,

Bright eyed and watchful by night and by day,

But not much of a guard dog, I'm sorry to say.

He barked at the cats and he'd bark at a toad,

He barked at the cattle outside on the road,

He barked at the horses - so where did he fail?

You see, Rum liked people, and he just wagged his tail.

He liked the yard labour, an amiable bunch.

They fed our dog tidbits and scraps from their lunch.

Rum wolfed it all down, but to our dismay

He seemed to get fatter with each passing day.

Then one night when Rum was laid at his ease,

A burglar crept in just as quiet as you please.

He saw no alarms, heard no siren howling,

No guard dog for sure, there'd be barking and growling.

But Rum was awake and he'd seen him alright,

Delighted with company this time of the night,

He flew through the yard, his new friend to greet,

And his weight bowled the burglar right off of his feet.

The intruder got up and ran off with a wail

And Rum right behind him still wagging his tail.

He departed the yard he'd come in to burgle

Like a champion athlete clearing a hurdle.

But Rum couldn't jump gates, so sadly instead

He picked up the thief's wallet and went back to bed.

Next morning the evidence everyone viewed,

When Rum brought it to us, (just a little bit chewed).

Once given the wallet, the police didn't fail

To capture the burglar and put him in jail.

His confession like wildfire spread through the town,

How a big vicious guard dog had knocked the thief down.

We all howled with laughter when we heard the story,

And Rum was our hero, he was basking in glory.

There's been no attempts since to burgle our yard,

For everyone knows now that Rum is on guard.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

AN AESOP'S FABLE

Another Aesop's Fable. one that is particularly apt for those flouting the COVID  lockdown and health restrictions, and for the anti-vaxxers . . . 

-------☹😊☹-------

The Frogs Who Wished for a King

The Frogs were tired of governing themselves. They had so much freedom that it had spoiled them, and they did nothing but sit around croaking in a bored manner and wishing for a government that could entertain them with the pomp and display of royalty, and rule them in a way to make them know they were being ruled. No milk and water government for them, they declared. So they sent a petition to Jupiter asking for a king.

Jupiter saw what simple and foolish creatures they were, but to keep them quiet and make them think they had a king he threw down a huge log, which fell into the water with a great splash. The Frogs hid themselves among the reeds and grasses, thinking the new king to be some fearful giant. But they soon discovered how tame and peaceable King Log was. In a short time the younger Frogs were using him for a diving platform, while the older Frogs made him a meeting place, where they complained loudly to Jupiter about the government.

To teach the Frogs a lesson the ruler of the gods now sent a Crane to be king of Frogland. The Crane proved to be a very different sort of king from old King Log. He gobbled up the poor Frogs right and left and they soon saw what fools they had been. In mournful croaks they begged Jupiter to take away the cruel tyrant before they should all be destroyed.

"How now!" cried Jupiter "Are you not yet content? You have what you asked for and so you have only yourselves to blame for your misfortunes."

Moral:

Be sure you can better your condition before you seek to change.

-----oOo-----

From Wikipedia at:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Frogs_Who_Desired_a_King

The original context of the story, as related by Phaedrus, makes it clear that people feel the need of laws but are impatient of personal restraint. His closing advice is to be content for fear of worse. By the time of William Caxton, who published the first version in English, the lesson drawn is that 'he that hath liberty ought to kepe it wel, for nothyng is better than liberty'. In his version, it is a heron rather than a snake that is sent as king. A later commentator, the English Royalist Roger L'Estrange, sums up the situation thus: 'The mob are uneasy without a ruler. They are as restless with one; and oftner they shift, the worse they are: so that Government or no Government, a King of God’s making or of the Peoples, or none at all, the Multitude are never to be satisfied.’

Yet another view was expressed by German theologian Martin Luther in his "On Governmental Authority" (1523). There he speaks of the scarcity of good rulers, taking this lack as a punishment for human wickedness. He then alludes to this fable to illustrate how humanity deserves the rulers it gets: 'frogs must have their storks.'

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

"Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; 

an argument an exchange of ignorance."

Robert Quillen

Verni Robert Quillen (1887 – 1948) was an American journalist and humourist who for more than a quarter century was "one of the leading purveyors of village nostalgia" from his home in Fountain Inn, South Carolina. In 2012, his office and library was listed on the National Register of Historic Places.

HE AIN'T HEAVY . . .

He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.”

Most people will know of this saying from The Hollies’ hit by that name.

I heard a reference to the origin whilst watching a show (I have it on in the background while attending to paperwork) that can be accessed on Youtube. It is called Caught in Providence, a play on the word Court, and is a reality show about people appearing before Judge Frank Caprio on a variety of traffic and parking matters, as well as for criminal arraignments. Judge Caprio is the Chief Municipal Judge in Providence, Rhode Island and the cases and people are real. It is a world removed from Judge Judy and I challenge you not to be moved by the compassion and kindness of the man. Except for Steve, he will hate it.

In one episode he mentioned how his mother, an immigrant, had sent a donation to Boys Town after reading about the “He ain’t heavy . . .” quote, even though they themselves were impoverished.

Here is the background to the quotation and some inspirational words accompanying . . .

The Story Behind “He Ain’t Heavy…”

June 9th, 2017

By Father Steven Boes

President and National Executive Director of Boys Town

https://www.boystown.org/blog/Pages/story-behind-aint-heavy.aspx

Those iconic words have symbolized the spirit of Boys Town for decades. But many people don’t know how it originated.

Back in 1918, a boy named Howard Loomis was abandoned by his mother at Father Flanagan’s Home for Boys, which had opened just a year earlier. Howard had polio and wore heavy leg braces. Walking was difficult for him, especially when he had to go up or down steps.

Soon, several of the Home’s older boys were carrying Howard up and down the stairs.

One day, Father Flanagan asked Reuben Granger, one of those older boys, if carrying Howard was hard.

Reuben replied, “He ain’t heavy, Father… he’s m’ brother.”

But the story doesn’t end there.

In 1943, Father Flanagan was paging through a copy of Ideal magazine when he saw an image of an older boy carrying a younger boy on his back. The caption read, “He ain’t heavy, mister… he’s my brother.”

Immediately, the priest was reminded of a photo of Reuben carrying Howard at a Boys Town picnic many years before. Father Flanagan wrote to the magazine and requested permission to use the image and quote. The magazine agreed, and Boys Town adopted them both to define its new brand.

Nearly 75 years later, the motto is still the best description of what our boys and girls at Boys Town learn about the importance of caring for each other and having someone care about them.

(The name has been changed to “Girls and Boys Town” to reflect its co-ed enrolment. Otto)

“He ain’t heavy” is relevant beyond Boys Town, though. At some point in our lives, most of us have needed to be carried by someone, metaphorically speaking. And, at some point, we probably carried somebody else. We’re human. We stumble. And we look to each other for help when we do.

By the way:

Spencer Tracy won an Academy Award for his portrayal of Father Flanagan in the movie Boys Town. He gave the award to the real Father Flanagan and it is on display at the museum at the site of Girls and Boys Town.

That location also has the Father Flanagan house on site, which includes a desk that the boys made for him using over 250 pieces of wood.

 

 

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

MORE ABOUT DUNNIES . . .

-------☹😊-------

Yesterday I posted an item about the lost expressions of childhood. It was based on the premise that as society advances, the terminology applicable to obsolete technology and bygone society phenomena stops being used and eventually disappears altogether. I mentioned some from my own experience, including the now defunct terms milkman, breadman and dunny man, the last being the person who replaced and took away the full toilet pans with empty ones.

It is always nice to get feedback, not only to know that people are reading Bytes posts but also to find that there are shared experiences.

So it was when I received an email the next day from Byter Philip C, who I have known personally for many years and who has given me the okay to reprint his email and the attachment sent with it.

Thanks Philip.

Some notes on how my younger days were similar to Philip’s follow at the end.

-------☹😊☹-------

From Philip:

Hi Otto,

Your olden days comment about the dunny man reminded me, he got an honourable mention a few weeks ago when I did a presentation to my grandson’s 1st class group (all were online at home). The teacher had asked for grandparental volunteers to deliver some examples of verbal history and of course I could not resist.

My daughter-in-law told me later that my presentation went down well with the parents too because most of them had not grown up in Australia.

The actual presentation is attached just in case it provides some ideas for future Bytes.

-------☹😊☹-------

Philip’s presentation:

Good afternoon class 1S. I am Silas’ grandpa, Mr C (I have deleted identifying names. Otto). I am 70 years old which means I was born in 1951 and I’m here to talk about the olden days.

Where we lived

I grew up in Greenacre which is suburb of Sydney and I have lived in Sydney all my life. My mother and father and brother and sister and I started living in Greenacre when it was mostly paddocks and bushland.

This photo was taken from a plane about 80 years ago and the red dot is where our house was built in 1950. There were not many buildings 80 years ago but later we will see that changed a lot.

My family lived in a shed for about 3 years, while my father built the house in his spare time. He had to learn about carpentry and brick laying and many other skills to build our home. In those days there was no Internet or phones or televisions where he could find out information, so he read books and spoke to people and did a great job.

Hands up if you have a toilet inside your house. When I was little, our toilet was in the backyard and looked like this …

Every few days the “dunny” man came in a truck to replace the big bucket in the toilet, which was called a toilet pan.

(Notice that he has a cigarette in his mouth and no gloves? Otto)

When I was a little older, sewer pipes were laid in the ground and all the houses including ours had a toilet inside.

Some Special Memories

When I was growing up, many of my 18 uncles and aunties and 22 cousins lived close by. We could climb over the back fence and visit Uncle Jim and our 5 cousins or climb diagonally across the fences to visit Auntie Gracie and another 4 cousins from a different family. Next door again were my grandparents.

We used to build and race billycarts down the street since there were not many cars

Speaking of streets … here is an old photo of a street near where I lived. It is called Roberts Road and it had no tar surface and no road markings and no traffic lights and there were only a few cars.

This is a photo of the same place on Roberts Road today. It has 6 lanes and many cars and trucks. I don’t think we could race our billy carts there today.

School

I went to Chullora Primary School, and this is a photo of my class in 1957, when I was 6 years old. That’s me in the top right with a big white line down my face.

(Compare with my 1957 class photo at the end of this post. Otto)

My teacher was Mrs B. Do you think you will remember Mrs S when you are 70 years old?

We used to walk past a pig farm to go to school and could race paddle pop sticks in the water drains (when it was raining). Yes, we arrived at school wet and yes, our teacher was not pleased.

Two more photos before I go today, boys and girls. Do you remember the old photo of where I lived taken from the plane? This one …

Well, the same area looks like this today using a photo taken from a Google satellite.

Over the past 70 years hundreds of dwellings and many more factories have been built. In 1990 (over 30 years ago) my father’s house was replaced with a new one (which probably has lots of inside toilets).

Thank you for listening so well this afternoon class 1S.

Goodbye boys and girls.

-------☹😊☹-------

And thank you for your presentation, Philip, no doubt after hearing about the toilet situation, the children were all thoroughly thankful that they had not been living at that time.

-------☹😊☹-------

Here are some quick reminiscences by me.

We arrived from Holland and settled in Blacktown, my mother, father, 2 brothers and myself.

Blacktown was nearly all bush in those days and we grew up playing in the bush (yes, there were snakes and lizards), swimming and fishing in the creek.

We went everywhere barefoot, except to school or on outings.

Me: “Mum, I stepped on a nail.”

Mum: “Was it rusty?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mum: “Off to the doctor for a tetanus shot.”:

We soon learned to say no, it wasn’t rusty (even if it was), whereupon Mum’s response was “Okay, you know what to do.” Knowing what to do consisted of putting on a bandage with lots of Black Ointment.

I well remember the trip to the dunny at night on wet grass, stepping on snails and slugs, using the light of the moon to do one’s business. The dunnies did not have electric light.

We also lived in a shed whilst a house was later built (it had a blessed inside toilet), using kerosene lamps and water from a single cold outside tap whilst living in the shed.

My brothers and I in De Hague, Holland, before we left for Australia. Me on the left, Hans in the middle and Rudy (Rudolph) on the right.  You have probably gathered they are twins.

1957, Blacktown. Mum (Antoinette), Dad (Otto), Rudy, Hans and myself. That’s me with the fireman helmet on. My mother still dressed us in European style clothing, which we hated. We stood out markedly at school.

As the sign says, First Class, 1957.

That's me in the corner, top left, but not losing my religion.

Primary School sports team photo, me without the guernsey, they had run out.

Doonside High School, Year 4 (today Year 10) class photo, 1967 - me front row, 2nd from left

Stay safe, readers, and remember that despite the lockdown and Covid restrictions, at least the dunny is inside.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

Remembered . . .

Sent to me by Vince C, thanks Vince . . .

Lost  Words From Our Childhood

Mergatroyd!       Do you  remember that word?  Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize  the word Mergatroyd?

Heavens to Mergatroyd! Wonder where this one came from?

The  other day a lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy;      and he  looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?"  He had  never heard of the word jalopy!  She knew she was old ... But not that  old. 

Well, I  hope you are    Hunky  Dory  after  you read this and chuckle. 

About a  month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because  of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included:       Don't touch  that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to  dry. 

Back in  the olden days we put on our best  bib and tucker. 

Heavens  to Betsy!      Gee  whillikers!          Jumping  Jehoshaphat!         Holy  Moley! 

We  were in like  Flynn  and  living the  life of Riley; and  even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a  knucklehead,  a nincompoop or a pill.    Not for all  the tea in China! 

We wake  up from a short nap, and before we can say,  "Well, I'll  be a monkey's uncle!" Or,  "This is a  fine kettle of fish!"       

Poof, go the  words of our youth, the words we've left behind.  Where have all those  great phrases gone? 

Long gone:  Pshaw, The  milkman did it.  Don't  forget to pull the chain.  Knee high  to a grasshopper. Well,  Fiddlesticks!     I'll  see you in the funny farm. Wake up  and smell the roses. 

Leaves  us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth... 

See ya  later, alligator!      Okidoki. 

You'll  notice they left out        "Monkey  Business"!!! 

WE ARE  THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 40’s and 50'S ... NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT  OPPORTUNITY AGAIN .. WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS:  LIVING  IN THE PEACEFUL AND COMFORTABLE TIMES, CREATED FOR US BY THE "GREATEST  GENERATION!" 

Some contributions by me to Lost Words of Childhood --

"Go outside and play but be home before dark."

"Have the photos come back from the chemist yet?"

"Go outside and play and get brown."

"Can I have sixpence worth of mixed lollies please?"

Slang money terms: quid, two bob (two shillings), one bob (one shilling), zac (sixpence)

"What did you get?"

"Four cuts." (strokes of the cane at school as punishment - one, two, four or six, on the hand. Six was the max allowed).

"In like Flynn".

Milkman, breadman, dunny man (the dunny was the toilet, the dunny man exchanged the full pans with empty ones from his dunny truck).

Polio

Not all the disappearances are to be regretted.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Yesterday I posted an anecdote by Michael Caine from his 2018 book Blowing the Bloody Doors Off (that title being a reference to a line from the film The Italian Job).

Here are some other quotes by him concerning two sentences which shaped his acting career:

"The first little theatre I was in as a stage actor, I was playing a drunk. We were rehearsing, and a producer said, 'Wait a minute, Michael. What are you doing?' I said, 'Well, I'm a drunk in this scene.' He said, 'No, you're not a proper drunk. A drunk is a man who is trying to speak clearly and walk straight. You are an actor who's trying to mumble and walk crooked.' And the other one, he said to me a little later, I had a scene in a play where I had to cry, and so I was crying. And then again, he stopped me, he said, 'What are you doing?' And I said, 'Well, I'm crying in this scene.' He said, 'You're supposed to be a man crying. When a man cries, he would do anything not to cry. You are an actor who's doing anything to try and cry.' So he taught me movie acting in two sentences.

Continuing: My Third Top 10 + 2

Continuing my third list of Top Ten Films + 2, based on the Otto Watchability and Repeated Watching Index © . . .

The list so far:

1. Breakfast Club

2. The Enemy Below

3. The Searchers

4. The Quiet Man

5. Forrest Gump

6. Midnight Sting

7. Once Upon a Time in the West

8. Shawshank Redemption

9. Kill Bill

10. A Night at the Opera

Before looking at No 11, let me raise something from a previous post . . .

Stephen Grellet once famously said:

'I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again."

Maurice Bowra (1898-1971) paraphrased Grellet’s quote:

“I expect to pass through this world but once and therefore if there is anybody that I want to kick in the crutch I had better kick them in the crutch now, for I do not expect to pass this way again.”

Here is my paraphrase of the paraphrase:

I expect to post my Third Top 10 + 2 but once and therefore, if I have the chance to piss Steve M off again with my choices, let me do it now, for I do not expect to pass this way again.”

So, Stevie Boy, here is No 11 . . .

11. Casablanca (1942):

Another oldie and goodie. What can I say? Great script, great cast, great moments, great film, which is not bad considering that although Casablanca was an A-list film with established stars and first-rate writers, no one involved with its production expected it to be anything other than one of the hundreds of ordinary pictures produced by Hollywood that year. It was even rushed into release to take advantage of the publicity from the Allied invasion of North Africa a few weeks earlier. A surprise to Warner Brothers, it received the Oscar nod for best pic and best director for Michael Curtiz. I still get goosebumps each time I watch the "La Marseillaise" scene (but if you tell anyone, I will need to kill you).

By the way:

Some anecdotes about this wonderful film:

• Many of the actors who played the Nazis were in fact German Jews who had escaped from Nazi Germany.

• During the scene in which the "La Marseillaise" is sung over the German song "Die Wacht am Rhein" ("The Watch on the Rhine"), many of the extras had real tears in their eyes as a large number were also actual refugees from Nazi persecution in Germany and elsewhere in Europe and were overcome by the emotions the scene brought out.

• The iconic "La Marsaillaise" sequence was intended to have been even more pointed against the Nazis. The original song Maj. Strasser and the other Germans were to sing was not "Die Wacht am Rhein", a patriotic song written in 1840 and extensively used in the Franco-German War and in World War I, but instead "Das Horst-Wessel-Lied", the Nazi Party anthem and unofficial second national anthem of Nazi Germany. However, Warner Bros. changed it when it realized that the song was under copyright, which wouldn't have been a problem if the film were only being distributed in Allied territory. However, as the film was going to be released in neutral countries as well, it could have caused major diplomatic headaches and even opened Warner Bros. to the absurd possibility of being sued by the Nazis for copyright infringement. Or having to pay them royalties.

• Because the film was made during WWII the production was not allowed to film at an airport after dark for security reasons. Instead, it used a sound stage with a small cardboard cutout airplane and forced perspective. To give the illusion that the plane was full-sized, they used little people to portray the crew preparing the plane for take-off.

• Conrad Veidt, who played Maj. Strasser, was well known in the theatrical community in Germany for his hatred of the Nazis, and his friendship with Jews. (His wife, Ilona "Lily" Prager", was Jewish.) He was forced to flee his own country when he learned the SS had sent a death squad after him. Veidt only played film villains during WWII as he was convinced that playing suave Nazi baddies would help the war effort.

• Humphrey Bogart's then-wife, actress Mayo Methot, continually accused him of having an affair with Ingrid Bergman, often confronting him in his dressing room before a scene was to be shot. Bogart would come onto the set in a rage. In fact, despite the undeniable on-screen chemistry between Bogart and Bergman, they hardly spoke.

• Back in the mid-2000s, Madonna wanted to remake the film with her as IIsa Lund and Ashton Kutcher as Rick. She pitched the idea to every studio but was unanimously rejected by every studio with one studio executive telling her the "film is deemed untouchable". She eventually scrapped the proposed project.

• Rick never says "Play it again, Sam." He says: "You played it for her, you can play it for me. If she can stand it, I can. Play it!" The incorrect line has become the basis for spoofs in movies such as A Night in Casablanca (1946) and Play It Again, Sam (1972).

• Director Michael Curtiz's Hungarian accent often caused confusion on the set. He asked a prop man for a "poodle" to appear in one scene. The prop man searched high and low for a poodle while the entire crew waited. He found one and presented it to Curtiz, who screamed, "A poodle! A poodle of water!"

• The letters of transit that motivate so many characters in the film did not exist in Vichy-controlled France--they are purely a plot device invented by the screenwriters. Playwright Joan Alison always expected somebody to challenge her about the letters, but nobody ever did.

• How many iconic movie quotes from this film . . .

Here's looking at you, kid.

Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By.'

Round up the usual suspects.

We'll always have Paris.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

• In Peter Biskind's book, 'My Lunches with Orson', Orson Welles recounted a conversation he had had with Humphrey Bogart during the filming of 'Casablanca', in which Bogart reportedly stated, "I'm in the worst picture I've ever been in."

(Funnily enough, as I was writing this with the TV on in the background, Casablanca came on the TV).

So what is your opinion, Steve?

-------☹😊☹-------

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

From Michael Caine's 2018 book Blowing The Bloody Doors Off:

I just made Alfie and I was in Hollywood in the Beverly Hills Hotel with nothing to do. ... I used to sit in the lobby looking for movie stars and I spotted John Wayne.

He was registering in the hotel, and he looked at me, and said to me, 'What's your name kid?' I said, 'Michael Caine.' He said, 'You in that movie Alfie? You're going to be a star kid. But let me give you some advice. Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much.' And he looked down at my shoes, and I was wearing suede shoes, and he said, 'And never wear suede shoes.' I said, 'Why not?' He said, 'Because I just told you, you're going to be famous. And you're going to be taking a pee in the gent's toilet and the man next to you is going to recognize you, and turn, and he's going to pee all over your shoes, so don't wear suede shoes."

FUNNY FRIDAY

-------☹😊☹-------

It was my wedding anniversary 2 days ago but it's hard to buy a gift when in lockdown. As a surprise for Kate I ordered a fancy gourmet food hamper with all sorts of top of the range delicacies, plus I asked for a bottle of wine to be added. Yesterday morning the package was delivered and left on the front doorstep, with the wine bottle smashed and the wine leaked over all. Fortunately everything other than the bottle was sealed so was not contaminated. When I contacted the supplier they very nicely said that they would immediately send a replacement. I said that I would give the the rest to the delivery person when the replacement was delivered but they said to keep it with their compliments. How is that for great when in lockdown.

Anyway, I have put a couple of anniversary items in the following collection but, as always, there is a caution of risqué content ahead.

Enjoy and stay safe, readers . . .

-------☹😊☹-------

SOME HUMOUR:

________________

A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice. The waiter, who is smiling, nods and says “Ah, yes, flied lice.”

The Greek man thought this was hilarious and he ordered fried rice whenever he came in just to hear the waiter say, “flied lice”. He would always laugh loudly after hearing the poor waiter's mispronunciation. He started bringing his friends in so that they could hear the waiter, and laugh with him, and eventually the waiter realised he was the butt of their laughter.

The waiter was angry, so using some of his savings, he enrolled in a course on public speaking and language, and he learned how to correctly say ‘fried rice’.

One day, the Greek man arrived with several of his mates, and of course, they all ordered fried rice. The waiter said ‘Ah, yes, fr-r-ried r-r-rice.”

And as the Greek man sat there, stunned, the waiter cried out in triumph, “How you like that, you Gleek plick?”

________________

Imagine this in a strong French accent . . .

An American husband and wife are visiting a small town in France for their anniversary.

They decide to get brunch at a cute little cafe near their hotel.

After being seated and deliberating the short menu, the waiter arrives and asks in a thick French accent, "Allo, ca va?"

The man stops him, "Ah, sorry, we don't speak French. Do you--"

"--Ah, oui, not a problem. I speak enough English."

The man, relieved, "Wonderful. Friendly little cafe you've got here."

"Oui, eet is quite nice. We are always 'appy to serve Morons. Now, what can I get for you?"

Taken aback, the man replies, "I'm sorry... Did you just call us Morons?..."

"Ah, apologies! Eet is a local vernacular. Ze local children refer to tourists as 'Les Morons'."

The man is astonished, "Do you think the local children might just be insulting tourists...?"

After a pause, a look of grave realisation washes over the waiter's face. "Oh, my... I am so sorry, I do not know what to say. Please, let me bring you brunch, no charge. Again, I cannot express--"

"--No problem. Mistakes happen." The man says amusedly. "I'll have an espresso and a croissant."

"Wonderful choice, monsieur." The waiter says, smiling. He turns to the woman, "And for ze Cunt?"

-------☹😊☹-------

#1:

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor.

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, physically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be something you can do to help me..."

"Well, it's not very ethical, but there's this experimental drug we need to test" the doctor takes a vial from a drawer "this is a very potent aphrodisiac. Just one drop in a glass of water is enough to awaken the libido of a dying man. When you feel it's a special night and you want to have sex with your husband, try and pour one drop in his glass, and I can guarantee that you will see a new life in him"

"Oh thank you doctor, thank you so much. Tomorrow is our anniversary, what better night to try it out?"

Two days pass. The morning after the fated night, the woman goes back to the doctor. She appears disheveled, barely being able to walk.

"Wh-what happened?" asks the doctor, visibly worried

"Oh, doctor, I feel so sad... Yesterday, while we were having dinner, I waited for him to go to the toilet and, as you suggested, I hastily poured one drop of the drug in his water glass. But then I thought: what if this is not enough? It's been a LONG time since he's shown any passion towards me. So I poured another drop."

"Wait, two drops?? But it's dangerous, we don't know what can happen if more than one drop is used!"

"But then I felt so insecure, what if he doesn't like my body anymore? Is two drops really enough? I panicked, and I emptied the whole vial in the glass of water."

"You did what???”

"He came back from the toilet, sat down and took a good sip from the glass. He froze, eyes wide. The glass fell from his hand. He stared at me like a predator stares at its prey. Then it happened. He violently threw away everything that was on the table, snorting and roaring. Grabbed me, slammed me on the bare table, tore off my clothes as well as his and proceeded to have his way with me, making animal sounds I had never heard him make."

"I'm so sorry for you, it must have been terrible"

"Oh no, doctor. It was the best sex I've ever had in 30 years of marriage. I orgasmed multiple times in a matter of minutes, I saw a rough, untamed side of my husband that I thought didn't exist."

"Wait, you enjoyed it? Then why did you say you were sad?"

"Well, it was our favourite restaurant, I doubt we'll be able to show our faces there again . . . "

#2:

A group of old friends made an arrangement to meet each 10 years for an anniversary reunion lunch and get together.

They were all aged about 40 and discussed where they should meet.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

-------☹😊☹-------

An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!"

This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"

"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"

-------☹😊☹-------

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

You'll have to work this one out. I had to . . . 

There once was a boring young Rev.

Who preached till it seemed he would nev.

His hearers, en masse,

Got a pain in the ass

And prayed for relief of their neth.

-------☹😊☹-------

RELIGION SPOT:

-------☹😊☹-------

CORN CORNER:

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize.

________________

A theology professor at a rural community college started the class by asking the students, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said one student. "And the opposite of depression?" "Elation," said another. "And how about the opposite of woe?"

A redneck in the back of the class stood up from his seat and said, "I reckon that would be giddy up, mister."

________________

How did communists light their homes before candles?

With electricity.

________________

Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

-------☹😊☹-------

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

THE KING'S ENGLISH

The King’s English

       Anonymous

I take it you already know

Of tough and bough and cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but not you,

On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,

That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead --

For goodness’ sake, don’t call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat…

They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not the moth in mother,

Nor both in bother, nor broth in brother.

And here is not a match for there,

Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,

And then there’s dose and rose and lose --

Just look them up -- and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward,

And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart,

Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start!

A dreadful language? Why, sakes alive!

I’d learned to speak it when I was five.

And yet, to write it, the more I tried,

I hadn’t learned it at fifty-five.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY