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News report March 30, 2023:
The sun has developed a massive “hole” 20 times larger than Earth, marking the second such occurrence in a week. The coronal hole is unleashing solar winds of 2.9 million km/h towards the Earth, which will hit our planet on Friday. Scientists are carefully monitoring the situation to assess if the winds will impact our planet’s magnetic field and satellites - with the potential for knock-on effects on the internet, mobile phone networks and GPS.
Not very funny, I agree, so let’s let some sunshine in and have some humour . . .
As usual though, a caution that there is some risque content ahead (although I do rather suspect that some of you look forward to the content more when there is a risque caution).
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SOME HUMOUR:
__________
I don’t get why people are bothered by the sun while driving.
I just close my eyes and it’s not a problem.
__________
A solar eclipse is when the moon is between the Earth and the Sun. A lunar eclipse is when the earth is between the Moon and the Sun. What’s it called when the sun is between the moon and the earth?
The apocalypse…
__________
An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find out the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful lady.
“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model.”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.
“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, grandpa.”
Goes to show…. Never mess with the elderly!
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A lengthy item but it made me laugh again on re-reading it, and again on watching the video . . .
Byter David H emailed me a video of Dustin Hoffman telling a story on the Graham Norton show when they were both a lot younger. The story is one that I had heard previously in a different setting but this version is better, plus it is delivered superbly by Hoffman, an excellent story teller.
Thanks, David.
At the beginning of the video Hoffman explains that he is keeping the celebrity names to do homage to the story. Those celebrities, for the benefit of younger readers, are:
Ringo Starr, one of the Beatles
Omar Sharif, actor and 1960s sex symbol
Brigitte Bardot, actress and 1960s sex symbol
Click on the following link to watch the video:
For those who prefer the written version . . .
A flea goes into a travel agency and says “I’ve been working so hard for the last few years, i really need a holiday.”
The travel agent asks “What kind of holiday are you in the market for?”
The flea says “i want to go somewhere bright and sunny, somewhere that i can just relax and enjoy myself, don’t want to worry about anything.”
The travel agent says “Okay” and starts flipping through his catalogue book. After some research, the travel agent announces proudly “Okay, i can give you one week in Nice, in Ringo Starr‘s hair.”
So off the flea goes.
After 4 days the flea comes back to the travel agent.
The travel agent asks “What are you doing back here? Aren’t you supposed to be on holiday?”
The flea says “Oh, that was an awful holiday! He spends all his time indoors, he’s always banging on the drums, he never goes out, it’s noisy and smelly. He’s always shaking his head from side to head, i got a terrible migraine! I just want a nice relaxing holiday, you know, out in the sun. i want to relax!”
So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some flipping through. Suddenly he announces “Okay, i can give you one week in Monte Carlo, in Omar Sharif‘s moustache.”
So off the flea goes.
After 4 days, the flea comes back to the travel agent.
The travel agent asks “You’re back so soon? What was wrong with that holiday?”
The flea says “That holiday was even worse! He spends all his time in the casino gambling. And what’s worse, he smokes so much, all the smoke went up into his moustache, i got burnt from a bit of ash and cinders, it was smelly and ugh! it was no good, no good! i just want to relax! i want sunshine and sand and blue skies!”
So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some research. After a long period, he finally announces “Okay, we’ve had a cancellation, and this is perfect for you. i can give you one week in St Tropez, in Brigitte Bardot‘s muff.”
So off the flea goes.
After 4 days, the flea returns to the travel agent.
“What!!” the travel agent exclaims, completely flabbergasted. “What are you doing here?! What was wrong with that holiday?!”
“Oh nothing!” replies the flea. “It was lovely, she’s so lovely. She just lays out all day long in the beautiful sand, on the beach, she soaks up a lot of sun, she had this radio next to her playing this delightfully relaxing music… I had a wonderful time there, it was the best holiday i’ve had.”
Puzzled, the travel agent asks “Well if it was so great, what are you doing back here so early?”
The flea replies “You tell me! After 3 days, I found myself back in Omar Sharif’s moustache.”
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Okay, I will give you the alternative version, which was posted in Funny Friday on December 13, 2013 at:
A flea walking down the street met his friend, who he hadn’t seen in a while, coming in the opposite direction. The first flea says “Erik, what is the matter with you? You look so gaunt, haggard and tired.” Erik says “Leif, I live in a Viking’s beard. I’m always out in the cold and wind aboard ship on the North Sea. There’s ice and freezing temperatures, I’m always wet and if we’re not on the water we’re on land fighting and pillaging. How do you remain looking so sleek and fat?”
Leif replies “I live in a maiden’s crotch where it’s always comfortable and warm. You should find yourself a place like that, you wouldn’t know yourself after a couple of weeks.”
“I will,” said Erik.
A few months later Leif meets Erik again and is shocked that Erik looks even more gaunt and haggard than the last time. “What has happened?” he asks. “I thought you were going to find a nice warm spot in a female crotch.”
“I did,” replies Erik. “I found myself an attractive young woman and made my way there and went to sleep. I really needed that sleep, so warm, so relaxing. Then I woke up and I was back in the Viking’s beard.”
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Byter Rob T sent me an email about a limerick that has previously been in Bytes but is definitely worth another airing.
Thanks Rob.
Rob's email:
Dear Otto,
As you enjoy Limericks, did you see this in respect of Boris Johnson lying in Parliament ? . . .
Significantly, the unpardonable crime of Conservative ex-Secretary of State for War John Profumo (1963) was not that he was indiscreet and a potential security risk, but that he lied to the House of Commons in initially denying any relationship with Christine Keeler. Moreover, he lied stupidly, since he might have saved his dignity and his seat as an M.P. by admitting his misstep. As a limerick that made the rounds of Westminster last week had it:
"What on earth have you done?" said Christine,
"You have wrecked the whole party machine.
"To lie in the nude
"Is not at all rude,
"But to lie in the House is obscene."
With best regards,
Rob T
Bonus limerick:
A conductor, with a voice like a hatchet
Observed to a cellist from Datchet,
"You have 'twixt your thighs,
My dear, a great prize,
And yet you just sit there and scratch it!"
Observed to a cellist from Datchet,
"You have 'twixt your thighs,
My dear, a great prize,
And yet you just sit there and scratch it!"
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RELIGION SPOT:
An atheist wakes up in Hell.
He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen. People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.
Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a glass of champagne, welcoming him to Hell.
The atheist sputters, "But, but, but, where's the fire and brimstone and suffering and torture for all eternity?" The devil stops for a second, then grins. "Come with me," he said.
He leads the atheist to a giant wall stretching from horizon to horizon hundreds of metres in height with a little peephole at eye-level and gestures for the atheist to have a look.
Stunned, the atheist shudders at the sight of the infernal damnation, the wailing and gnashing of teeth, disgusting scenes of depravity and torment, enough to give Dante nightmares, on the other side.
"What is this?" the atheist stammered.
The devil shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't know but the Christians seem to prefer it this way."
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CORN CORNER:
__________
I once stayed up all night wondering where The Sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
__________
Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third world countries
__________
My wife apologised, first time ever. . .
She said she was sorry she married me.
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