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Time for some more Fave Funnies, ones that have been posted previously but worth re-telling because they are some of my favourites.
There’s also a couple of new ones thrown in.
Enjoy Byters.
There are asome risque items (which will delightLiz, who says she always sends the rude ones to her mother).
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SOME HUMOUR:
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Roy Rogers is riding back to his ranch when he is met by an Army Captain and troop of cavalry.
The Captain says “Roy, the Indians hit your place last night, killed Dale and your hands, killed your cattle, burned the ranch and stole your horses.”
“Oh, my God,” says Roy, I have to go there,” and starts moving away with Trigger.
The Captain says “Roy, before you go, how about a song for the boys?”
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Another Roy Rogers one . . .
Roy Rogers bought himself a pair of custom made, hand tooled, ornate boots.
That night, as he was drifting off to sleep, a cat outside his window began to yowl loudly. As much as he tried, Roy couldn’t get to sleep, so he threw one of his boots at it. The cate kept mewling and Roy threw the other boot.
The next morning, Roy went outside to retrieve his new boots and was dismayed to discover that the cat had clawed, eaten and generally made a total mess of both.
An angry Roy put an ad in Variety offering a reward to whoever could deliver him the offending cate.
The next morning the doorbell rang and Bing Crosby stood there, holding a cat by the scruff of its neck. Bing sang “Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
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Two female friends are in a bar and one of them says to another:
"See those two crazy old ladies laughing? In 20 years we'll be like them!"
The friend replies: "You can't drink that much Mary! That's a mirror! "
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This is better told, rather than written, in that telling allows a Northern English accent to be used. I have written some of the words phonetically to preserve that feature...
A man takes his young son to the London Zoo to see the monkeys.
Alas, when they get to the monkey enclosure, there is not a monkey to be seen, so he calls over the attendant and asks”
“’Ere, where’s all the moonkeys then?”
“They’re all in the ‘uts,” says the keeper. “It’s the matin’ season, they’re all ‘avin’ sex.”
“Do you think they’d come out if I threw a peanut?” asks the father.
“Would you?” asks the keeper
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"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "
"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include The Nun's Priest's Tale"
"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.
"Because," she answered, "The Nun's Priest's Tale is lascivious, licentious, and utterly improper, especially for people your age. Now please open your copies to the General Prologue, and we will begin with that."
Next lesson, the teacher said, "Please open your 'Canterbury Tales' to The Nun's Priest's Tale, which I am assuming you have all read by now...?"
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
One of my faves . . .
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired “Send two punts, one canoe.”
The answer next day
Said “Girls on the way,
But what the Hell’s a panoe?”
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GALLERY:
More favourites . . .
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LAW & LAWYERS
A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.
The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALISES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.
Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”
Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”
His brother apologised.
“…and they didn’t include the phone number!”
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CORN CORNER:
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A dear friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day. Sadly, he couldn't swim, so he quickly drowned.
At the funeral service, I gifted his family a life preserver. It's what he would have wanted.
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I bought this sweet car online
Turns out it used to be owned by Neil Diamond
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
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And from John P . . .
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