A somewhat lengthy read today, Byters, but like Topsy. it just growed. Consider it some weekend reading.
Caution, however, there is risque content ahead, don't continue if you might be offended.
Enjoy Funny Friday and the weekend, Byters.
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SOME HUMOUR:
__________
"There are three crows sitting on a branch, you shoot one, how many are left?" the teacher asks little Jack.
"None, Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot."
"The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think."
"Well, Mrs. Parker, I have a question for you too. There are three ladies sitting on a bench eating a lollipop. The first one licks the lollipop, the second one sucks on it, and the third one bites it. Which one of them is married?
The teacher starts blushing and answers: "The one that's sucking on it."
"The correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
__________
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are chased by a band of renegade Indians. Eventually they are surrounded
The Lone Ranger says to Tonto: "Looks like we’ve had it now old friend."
Tonto replies: “What’s this ‘we’ shit, paleface?”
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The Lone Ranger happens upon Tonto with his ear pressed to the ground.
"Wagon train, ten maybe twelve horses" says Tonto.
"Come from east / south east, heading west.”
The Lone Range joins Tonto on the ground to listen for himself.
Tonto continues - "One rider has red shirt and blue bandana..."
The Lone Ranger asks "How in the heck do you know that?"
"Run over me ten minutes ago," says Tonto.
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A man had recently become assistant to the pastor at a church in a large city. On his first day of work he reported to the pastor's office. "Today, I would like you to go to the poor areas in our city and pray with the less fortunate there," the pastor tells him.
So, the man sets out to the south part of their city and prays with many people that day. One of the people he speaks with the most is a woman of the night. "I've done a lot of bad things in my life. I don't think the Lord would ever want to talk to me" says the woman. "Nonsense, the Lord loves all people. What is your name, dear?" "Fanny Greene" she replies. "Please, miss Greene, come to our church this Sunday and you will see there is a spot for you in the Lord's house."
The woman agrees, and the man goes back to the pastor the next day to report his day. "There was one woman, Fanny Greene, who I invited to join us for this Sunday's sermon...I must warn you though, sir, she is a woman of the night and has done unthinkable acts." "No matter, all are welcome in our church" the pastor replies.
That Sunday the assistant pastor joins the pastor on stage while people pour in the doors to fill the pews. Just as things are quieting down a woman comes through the door wearing a mini skirt that is quite revealing. The woman walks down the aisle and plops down right in the front pew with her legs spread apart. The pastor leans over to the assistant pastor and asks "Is that Fanny Greene?" The assistant pastor glances over and says "No, sir, I think that's just the way the stained glass is shining on it."
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A Glasgow laddie went to get his first kilt made, from a kiltmakers in the high street.
As he was getting measured, he asked the kiltmaker, "Could ye dae me a favour and mek' me a wee pair ae boxers along wi' the kilt? It gets awfy drafty doon ther when yir swinging it a' aboot".
"Aye, nae bother at a'!" says the kiltmaker and gets to work. When the lad comes back to collect his kilt, the kiltmaker says, "Right, here's yer kilt, and here's yer wee tartan underpants, and here's an full 5 yards extra I had spare in case ye need repairs or somethin'."
The lad tried on his kilt and it fit perfectly - so snug he totally forgot to put on the tartan underwear. He tucked the extra 5 yards into his kilt sock for safe keeping, and ran over his lass's house and when she answered the door, he shouted "Look at mah new kilt!" and swished it around.
"Aye, it's a beauty" his girlfriend said admiringly.
"Ye 'hink that's good hen, check oot whit's unnerneath it!" he shouted, still forgetting he didn't have the tartan underwear on, and lifted up his kilt.
"Mah god, that's quite somethin'!" she replied, staring at it.
"Ye 'hink that's all hen - ah've goat anither 5 yerds o' it tucked intae mah sock!"
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At a revival meeting the preacher is promoting faith healing. “If you believe, you will be healed. All it takes is faith. Believe that the Lord Jesus Christ will cure you and His love will make you whole. Is there anyone here who wants to be healed?”
A little old lady in the front row raises her hand and he calls her on stage. She makes her way slowly on her crutches. He asks her name and she says “Mrs Smith.” He asks whether she has faith and she replies “Yes”. The preacher says “Then go behind the curtain, Mrs Smith, and you will be healed.”
He asks again if anyone else wants healing. Bily Bloggs raises his hand and says “Neth.” He too is called onstage and asked his name. It is obvious that he has a speech defect resulting from a cleft palate when he says “Nilly Noggs.” Again the preacher asks “Do you have faith?” and receives an answer from Billy Bloggs, “Neth.” “Then go behind the curtain and you too will be healed.”
“Mrs Smith, throw out your left crutch.”
A crutch is thrown over the curtain.
“Mrs Smith, throw out your right crutch.”
As the congregation chants and praises the Lord, with many Hallelujahs, the other crutch came over the curtain.
“Now, Billy Bloggs, have faith, speak to me.”
From behind the curtain comes Billy Bloggs' voice, “Mithith Nith juth fallen on ner narth.”
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Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie.
Then Tonto got down from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"
Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"
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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was very attracted to him. During her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.
"What that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Tarzan use hole in tree!"
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and pointed to her privates.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"
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LIMERICKS OF THE WEEK:
At Harvard a randy old Dean
Said: 'The funniest jokes are obscene.
To bowdlerize wit.
Takes the shit out of it –
Who wants a limerick clean?'
The limerick’s callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It’s not worth the reading
By persons of breeding -
It’s designed for us vulgar and rude.
It needn’t have ribaldry’s taint
Or strive to make everyone faint.
There’s a type that’s demure
And perfectly pure,
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain’t.
But, to disprove the above . . .
A man hired by John Smith and Co.
Loudly declared that he'd tho.
Men that he saw
Dumping dirt near his door
The drivers, therefore, didn't do.
Even one by a Prime Minister. Clement Attlee (about himself):
