FUNNY FRIDAY

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Friend and colleague Leo M sent me the following item:

Thanks Leo.

Here is another version:

Can’t go past that for a theme for this Funny Friday: barbecues.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A preamble to the first joke:

- Canadians are renowned for being polite, happy, courteous and cheerful.

- The Toronto Maple Leafs (officially the Toronto Maple Leaf Hockey Club and often referred to as the Leafs) are a professional ice hockey team based in Toronto. Winning their last championship in the 1966–67 season, the Maple Leafs' 57-season drought between championships is the longest drought in league history.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realises he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

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Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motorcycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

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You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot."

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".

* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.

* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.

* If you hear … "Billy Bob, I am your father … AND your uncle!"

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A skydiver jumps from a plane but nothing happens when he pulls his rip-cord. He pulls the cord on his secondary chute, but this too is broken. As he is hurdling toward the earth, he sees a man coming straight up toward him. ‘Hey!’ shouts the skydiver. ‘Know anything about parachutes?!’ ‘No!’ shouts the man. ‘Know anything about gas barbecues?!’

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I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

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This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.

As the devil is receiving him, he asks:'Why are you sad?'

The guy replies: 'Because now I'll suffer for eternity.'

'Relax!' the devil says, 'this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alcohol?'

'Yes! I love drinking.'

'So you are going to love mondays. We have top quality beer and whiskey! Do you like drugs?'

'Yeah, I did some in college.'

'So Tuesdays are going to be great. We have weed, molly, coke, heroin, you name it! Do you enjoy gambling?'

'Of course!' said the man, with a smile on his face.

'On wednesdays we turn this place into a cassino! High stakes poker, blackjack and anything you can think of. What about food? You're not vegan, are you?'

'Hell no! I love meat and fatty food!'

'Great! We have a big barbecue on thursdays! Erhm... are you gay?'

'No! I'm straight!'

'Oh, then you're going to hate Fridays...'

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A preoccupied vegan named Hugh
picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.
He took a big bite
before spitting, in fright,
"OMG, WTF, BBQ!"

(The beauty of the above limerick is that the last line works as letters or the words that the letters stand for.)

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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A couple of cannibals meet one day and the first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and barbecued them. I've tried every sort of marinade and I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibals asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replies, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

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What do you call a Jewish minister who barbecues?

A Ribeye.

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George Takei, George Clooney, George Lucas, and George R.R. Martin decided to have a barbecue.

They named their little get-together the "George" Four-Man Grill.

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At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

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People in Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones...

But people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!!!!!

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Dallas: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Ripley: "In space no-one can, here use cream"

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QUOTE FOR THE DAY

Love the background as well as the message . . .

Or expressed differently . . .

MORE LIFE ADVICE

Makes sense to me . . .

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

SOME TRUISMS IN THE FOLLOWING . . .

Sent to me by friend John P - thanks John . . .

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

FROM THE VAULT

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From:

Bytes, Sunday, December 9, 2012

Great Moments in Court

In 1979 defendants Arno and Steer appealed to the California Court of Appeals against their conviction on charges of possession of obscene films with intent to distribute. The evidence against them consisted of surveillance observations through their office windows by police using 10x binoculars. 

The majority decision by Justices Thompson and Lillie was that the evidence should be suppressed as having been illegally obtained, that observations of defendants by police officers made through binoculars without a search warrant violated the defendants' reasonable expectation of privacy.

Justice Hanson was of a different opinion. He stated that the majority opinion was unclear, contained contradictory statements and departed from precedent. He declared that the majority were seeking to make new law by introducing a new formula for the use of binoculars by police officers. “In my opinion the new formula advanced is unwise and not in the best interest of sound public policy in that it unduly restricts law enforcement officers' use of a vital tool (binoculars) in their war against the expanding organised crime and vice problem.”

These comments criticising the majority judgment did not go down well with the majority. They added a footnote to the case as follows:

"Footnote 2:

We feel compelled by the nature of the attack in the dissenting opinion to spell out a response:

1. Some answer is required to the dissent's charge.

2. Certainly we do not endorse "victimless crime."

3. How that question is involved escapes us.

4. Moreover, the constitutional issue is significant.

5. Ultimately it must be addressed in light of precedent.

6. Certainly the course of precedent is clear.

7. Knowing that, our result is compelled. (See Funk & Wagnall's The New Cassell's German Dict., p. 408, in conjunction with fn. 6 of dis. opn. of Douglas, J., in Ginsberg v. New York (1967) 390 U.S. 629, 655-656 [20 L.Ed.2d 195, 212-213, 88 S.Ct. 1274].)"

The key to the footnote is to read the initial letters of the 7 points, which spells out the word SCHMUCK.

Justice Hanson responded to that comment in his own footnote:

"Footnote 14:

I have heretofore eschewed responding to footnote 2 of the majority opinion in kind since it would be beneath the dignity of this office. Although I still will not respond in kind, with the filing of a modification to footnote 2 on March 20, 1979, some comment is compelled.

I decry the lack of propriety, collegiality and judicial temperament displayed in footnote 2. I abhor the loss of public respect for the legal profession and the judiciary footnote 2 has engendered by reason of the report in the Los Angeles Times on March 13, 1979 (circulation 1,034,329). One certainly cannot fault the Los Angeles Times for using an English dictionary (Webster's) since California published opinions for over 125 years have been written in English and our jurisdiction obviously does not extend seven thousand miles to the Rhine in Germany.

I construe the Ginsberg reference in footnote 2 within the context of the case at bench as a personal affront to every California citizen and their duly elected representatives in the California State Legislature who have deemed it a wise public policy to enact our criminal obscenity laws and to all public servants charged with the responsibility of enforcing those laws. It is no wonder that California has the odious distinction of being the porno capital of the world."

People v. Arno (1979) 90 CA3d 505 [Crim. 33155 Second Dist, Div One Mar., 7, 1979]

http://jweinsteinlaw.com/pdfs/People%20v_%20Arno%20(1979)%2090%20CA3d%20505.htm

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

SONG SPOT

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FIVE FEET HIGH AND RISING - JOHNNY CASH

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About the song:

"Five Feet High and Rising" is a song written and originally recorded by Johnny Cash.

The song was recorded by Cash on March 12, 1959] for his third Columbia album and released as a single on July 6, 1959.

The song is a first person account of the 1937 flood that Cash, then aged four years and 11 months, endured with his family. They had to leave their home and flee.

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Audio link:

Hear the song by clicking on:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BK7P4Sgomtw

Video link, early Johnny Cash performance with his telling the background to the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5mf-BIZumaA

I like the comment by one listener/viewer:

How many views momma? She said “ One million views and counting” How many views Poppa?

(Now over 1.5m views).

See Johnny Cash sing and play the song with Biff on the Muppet Show:

https://au.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?fr=mcafee&ei=UTF-8&p=five+feet+high+cash+muppets+youube&type=E210AU739G91802#id=1&vid=b07d6d0c84bebd82aed9cfe9932fda8d&action=click

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Lyrics:

How high's the water, Mama?

Two feet high and risin'

How high's the water, Papa?

She said it's two feet high and risin'

We can make it to the road in a homemade boat

That's the only thing we got left that'll float

It's already over all the wheat and the oats

Two feet high and risin'

How high's the water, Mama?

Three feet high and risin'

How high's the water, Papa?

She said it's three feet high and risin'

Well, the hives are gone

I've lost my bees

The chickens are sleepin'

In the willow trees

Cow's in water up past her knees

Three feet high and risin'

How high's the water, Mama?

Four feet high and risin'

How high's the water, Papa?

She said it's Four feet high and risin'

Hey, come look through the window pane

The bus is comin', gonna take us to the train

Looks like we'll be blessed with a little more rain

Four feet high and risin'

How high's the water, Mama?

Five feet high and risin'

How high's the water, Papa?

She said it's five feet high and risin'

Well, the rails are washed out north of town

We gotta head for higher ground

We can't come back till the water goes down

Five feet high and risin'

Well, it's five feet high and risin'

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About the flood:

The Ohio River flood of 1937 took place in late January and February 1937. With damage stretching from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, to Cairo, Illinois, 385 people died, one million people were left homeless and property losses reached $500 million ($10.2 billion when adjusted for inflation as of September 2022). Federal and state resources were strained to aid recovery as the disaster occurred during the depths of the Great Depression and a few years after the beginning of the Dust Bowl.

The flood came about as the result of several inches of snow followed by warm weather and heavy rainfall over a matter of a few days.

Flood levels:

January 23–24: Martial law was declared in Evansville, Indiana, where the water level was at 54 feet (16 m).

January 26: River gauge levels reached 80 feet (24 m) in Cincinnati, the highest level in the city's history.

January 27: River gauge reached 57 feet (17 m) in the Louisville area, setting a new record. Seventy percent of the city was under water at that time.

February 2: River gauge surpassed 60 feet (18 m) in Paducah, Kentucky.

February 5: Water levels fell below the flood stage for the first time in nearly three weeks in several regions.

Ruth Martin remembers how bad things were, “I was 15 and we lived on the hillside so we had a great view of the whole city. The thing I remember very most is darkness, -- we’d look out over the city and you’d just see darkness.” Power was out. “We would go out every night and see how far up the water had come and talk to the National Guard. And then at the library, they were giving out free inoculations to keep from getting disease.”

Gallery:

Downtown Huntington, West Virginia, during the Great Flood of 1937

Members of a refugee family left homeless by the flood in Shawneetown, Illinois

An upturned farmhouse in Posey County, Indiana

Louisvile Main Street

Tent city set up in the aftermath of the 1937 flood along Algonquin Parkway for the storm victims.

“Refugee camps” and emergency stations were set up in the upper floors of many factories and downtown buildings, such as this one in a City Hall.

Many people’s only option was to climb to the attic or even roof to await rescue. There were no cell phones or 911 to notify anyone of your location.

This man built a makeshift boat made from four metal washtubs and some wooden slats.

During the Great Ohio River Flood of 1937, men and women in Louisville, Kentucky, line up seeking food and clothing from a relief station, in front of a billboard proclaiming, "World's Highest Standard of Living."

African Americans in Louisville, Kentucky, seek food and clothing from a relief station in the aftermath of flooding that devastated the city in 1937. The billboard in Margaret Bourke-White's famous "American Way" photograph is visible in the background.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

As you ramble on through life, Brother,

Whatever be your goal,

Keep your eye upon the doughnut,

And not upon the hole.

― Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin