Hello Byters and readers.
An emphasis on Rabbinic humour today, only because I find it funny. Hope you do as well, that is why some have been repeated by being brought out of the vault.
Enjoy.
Caution: risqué content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"
The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."
The rabbi asked, "And then?"
The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."
The rabbi again asked, "And then?"
The priest again pondered the question before responding "Then I would become Pope!"
The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked "And then?"
The priest, exasperated, cried "What else could I become? God Himself!?"
The rabbi quietly responded "One of our boys made it"
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Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....
What do I do next?
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A rabbi, a priest, and an atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.
The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.
The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."
"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"
The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."
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A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favourite with humans.
The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us, the canine. Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”
The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”
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An oldie which I have repeated numerous times but still funny . . .
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 roubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
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On a very windy day, a rabbi was walking along when a strong gust of wind blew his hat off his head. The rabbi ran after the hat, but the wind was too strong. It kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.
A non-Jewish young man, seeing what had happened, ran after the hat, caught it and gave it back to the rabbi. The rabbi was so grateful that he gave the young man 20 dollars and blessed him.
The young man was excited and decided to go the race track and with the rabbi's blessing, he decided to check the program and place the entire 20 dollars on a horse. After the races he went home and recounted his very exciting day to his wife.
"I arrived at the fifth race and looked at the program. I saw this horse named 'Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1 but since I received the rabbi's blessing I bet the entire 20 dollars on 'Top Hat' and guess what? He won!"
"In the next race, there was a horse named 'Stetson' at 30 to 1 so I bet the entire amount of my winnings on him, and guess what ... I won again!"
"So did you bring the money home?" asked his wife.
"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the last race. There was a horse named 'Chateau' that was a heavy favourite so I bet everything on him, and since 'Chateau' means 'hat' in French I figured he was a sure thing."
"You fool!" said the wife. "Hat in French is 'chapeau' not 'chateau!'" Exasperated, his wifer then asked, "So who won the race?"
"A real long shot," said the man. "Some Japanese horse named 'Yarmulke'!"
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A man received a notice from the tax office that he was being audited.
He asked his accountant what he should wear to the meeting with the tax office representative. The accountant said, "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor."
The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer said “No. No. Show them you're a successful professional. Wear your best suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi and asked for advice.
"Let me tell you a story," the rabbi said.
"Last week I was to marry a young woman. She came to me and asked what she should wear to bed on her wedding night. Her mother had told her 'Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck. Make him realise how virtuous you are.' But her best friend said, 'Wear a sexy negligee.' My son, I am going to give you the same advice that I gave to her: ‘It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re going to get fucked.’ “
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A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.
“What did he say?” asked the man.
He said, “Funny you should come to me...”
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
From the vault:
A rabbi from far-off Peru
Was desperately trying to screw.
His wife said, “Oy vey!
If you keep on this way
The Messiah will come before you.”
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
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A photographer was injured when a huge chunk of cheddar fell on him.
All the people in the picture were trying to warn him.
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I visited the doctor today and he said my sugar was too high
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf
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I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand.
I'm ambi-dextrose.
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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.......
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
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