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Welcome to another Funny Friday, readers.
There is an old joke about a fellow who is out hunting and has an encounter with a bear. The joke is risque and I have avoided including it in Funny Friday, but then I saw part of it told in a TV series, ‘Killer’ on Netflix.
I subsequently read that a young Charles and Camilla jointly tell a version of this joke at a party in ‘The Crown’.
So that’s enough reason to tell it as the staring item, it also makes this week’s theme bears.
Enjoy.
Risque content ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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A hunter is walking in the woods searching for the biggest bear he can find when he stumbles across a giant brown bear. He pulls out his shotgun, steadily aims, and fires at the bear. The bear seemingly falls into a nearby ditch and appears to be dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, until he feels a tap on his shoulder. The man turns around, and just as he does, the bear asks: "Did you shoot me with that shotgun?" The man replies "Yes", and the bear throws down the man and starts having his way with him.
In a few weeks, the hunter devises a plan for revenge on the bear. He brings his double-barrel shotgun and is really ready to get even. He walks through the woods and sees the bear, so he steadies his aim, shoots the bear, and the bear falls into the ditch, seemingly dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, and just as he does, he feels a tap on his shoulder. When the man turns around he sees none other than the very same bear standing above him. The bear asks the man, "Did you just shoot me with that double-barrel shotgun? To this the man replies "Yes", and the bear has his way with him again.
After a month has passed, the man has recovered and is very eager for revenge. He brings an elephant tranquilizer this time and is sure he will have enough firepower to take down the bear for good. Just as before, the man is walking through the woods when he sees the very same brown bear. He steadies his aim and fires. The bear falls into the ditch, and the man slowly walks over to him.
After searching for a while, the man is tapped on the shoulder once again. He turns around slowly to face the brown bear. The bear then asks him, "You really don't come here to hunt, do you?"
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Here is the Charles and Camilla script for the same tale:
CHARLES: Does anyone know the story of the Russian bear hunter? I'm afraid I've already told Mrs. Parker Bowles. Perhaps she could help me tell it.
CAMILLA: All right, sir.
CHARLES: A bear hunter goes deep into the Siberian woods. Suddenly, he sees...
CAMILLA: ...an enormous bear.
CHARLES: The hunter raises his gun, and, bang, he shoots. The bear disappears from view. "Got him!" he thinks. But then he feels a tap on the shoulder. He looks up to see the bear, who says...
CAMILLA: "No one takes a shot at me and gets away with it! You have a choice. Either I can tear you to pieces and devour you now, or..."
CHARLES: "...or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and let me have my way with you." The hunter pulls down his trousers, and the bear does his worst. Afterwards, the hunter hobbles into town...
CAMILLA: ...somewhat bow-legged.
CHARLES: Yes! And he buys a much bigger gun and goes back into the woods.
CAMILLA: And it isn't long before he sees the bear again. He raises his gun, bang, fires. But when the smoke clears...
CHARLES: ...the bear's nowhere to be seen. "Got him," the hunter thinks. But a moment later, he feels another tap on his shoulder, and the bear says...
CAMILLA: You know what to do.
CHARLES: Now, after the bear's done his worst, the hunter heads back in town again and buys an even bigger gun.
CAMILLA: A bazooka.
CHARLES: Yes! He goes back into the woods, he sees the bear, he takes aim and fires.
BOTH: Boom!
CAMILLA: But when the smoke clears, the hunter looks up to see the bear standing over him, and the bear says:
CHARLES: "You're not in this for the hunting, are you?"
Watch the clip by clicking on:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGUGH27fDYA
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and... cola"
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?
"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.
"So mama bear?" asks the Judge.
"Oh no she beats me even worse than papa bear," says baby bear.
"So who would you like to live with?" the Judge asks curiously.
"My grandma bear in Chicago," says baby bear.
"Your grandma bear doesn't beat you?" asks the Judge?
"Oh no, the Chicago Bears don't beat anyone."
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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At dinner, my frustrated date said, “so napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!”
“No, no,” I corrected, “I said that I was into resting.”
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I went on a job interview. The interviewer asked “What is your greatest weakness “
I replied “I am too honest”
The interviewer said “I don’t think honesty is a weakness “
I said “I don’t give a fuck what you think”.
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In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear confrontations, the Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field. …We advise that outdoorsmen should wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them, and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
A cheerful old bear at the Zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him, you know,
To walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.
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GALLERY:
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LAW & LAWYERS:
A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.
Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?
Smith: Yes, I can. He said...
Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.
This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the judge regarding the admissibility of Smith's testimony. After a couple of hours of deliberation, the judge calls for a recess while he consults his legal books.
It takes the judge several hours to search through his legal text, so much so that court gets adjourned for the day. Unfortunately, this exchange happened on a Friday with Monday being a public holiday. On Tuesday, everyone reconvenes in the courtroom, where the judge rules that Smith's testimony will be admissible.
Jones proceeds to begin questioning Smith again.
Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?
Smith: Yes, I can. He said "Ugh!" and died.
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A politician goes on trial
Before he goes to the stand, his lawyer tells him, "remember, if you get asked a question you don't know how to answer, plead the fifth."
The bailiff asks "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
The politician pauses for a moment and says "Uh, I plead the fifth."
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