Friday, July 1, 2022
Q: How far can you go into a forest?
A: Halfway, then you're going out of it.
We're halfway through the year today, readers, on the approach to Christmas and 2023.
Enjoy EOFY end and Funny Friday.
Caution, as usual: risque content ahead.
What are the magic words you say to get what you want?
Size of matter in descending order.
x on a mobile ad
I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed... "Anyone know CPR?"
I said hell, I know the entire alphabet.
Everyone laughed... Well everyone except this one guy.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing! " he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $146.50. "
Two clowns are eating a cannibal...
One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'Have you farted yet?'
'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '
A wife sent a message to her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Priscilla says hi to you.”
Husband: Who is Priscilla?
Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.
Husband: But I’m with Priscilla right now, so which Priscilla are you talking about?
Wife: Where are you??
Husband: Near the vegetable market.
Wife: Wait I’m coming there right now...
After 10 minutes she texts her husband, “Where are you?”
Husband: I’m at the office. Now that you are at the market, buy whatever vegetables you need.
(Reposted for Tom C, who quoted the punchline back at me in a text message conversation to make a point) . . .
Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
My good lady does not appreciate the quality and mirth inherent in a bawdy limerick, although she does smile at the witty and clever ones.
I was going to include the limerick below in a previous Funny Friday but fell foul of Kate’s disapproval, so if you see my wife, don’t recite the limerick to her or tell her that I posted it. . .
When Lady Penelope swoons,
Her tits pop out like balloons.
Parker stands by,
With a gleam in his eye,
And pops them back in with warm spoons.
Kate’s particular objection was to the vulgarism for breasts, but that segues into a posting of another limerick, a well-known classic . . .
On a maiden a man once begat
Triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat.
'Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding.
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.
The above Vault joke gives rise to another . . .
A woman goes into see her doctor and says to him “Ever since my husband had an accident and lost all of his toes on his left foot I feel sick when I am around him ". “Ahh,” said the doctor, “I know what the problem is, you are lack toes intolerant.”
Getting a sex change isn't that complicated.
Little bit of snipping.
Little bit of stitching.
And Bob's your aunt.
A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"
The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"
One night I had a vision that I was on stage with REM performing “Losing My Religion”
But that was just a dream. Just a dream…
Thursday, June 30, 2022
Two items came to my attention within the last couple of days concerning the Nazis and persons aged 101 years.
Now an anvil does not need to fall on my head to draw my attention to something that is somewhat unusual. I don’t know what the significance is or why two such stories within a couple of days of each other happened but it is worthy of a Bytes post . . .
The first is a story from the Smithsonian Magazine, the link to that article being:
An article about the story can also be found in the Daily Mail at:
The following is the Daily Mail article:
101-year-old former Dutch resistance fighter is reunited with £50,000 painting... 78 years after it was looted from her father by the Nazis in WWII
A 101-year-old woman has been reunited with a painting that was looted from her father by the Nazis during the Second World War – but is now selling it so her family can benefit. Charlotte Bischoff van Heemskerck, who was a member of the Dutch resistance during the war, had given up hope of ever seeing the 1683 painting again.
By Dutch master Caspar Netscher, it depicts seated man Steven Wolters and had hung in Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck's home in Arnhem in the Netherlands.
Her father, Joan Hendrik Smidt van Gelder, a doctor who was in charge of the city's children's hospital, went into hiding after refusing to follow the orders of the Nazis.He stored the painting, along with 13 others, in a bank vault in Arnhem, believing it would be safe from the Nazis' clutches. The paintings remained hidden for four years after the Nazis' invasion of the Netherlands in 1940. But in 1944, after the failed Operation Market Garden attempt by Britain and Allied forces to re-take Arnhem, the Nazis looted the city and stole the paintings.
Detective work by the London-based Commission for Looted Art in Europe tracked the Netscher painting down at the end of last year and returned it to Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck. She is now selling the painting so her 'heirs' can enjoy the proceeds. It has been given an upper estimate of £50,000 by auction house Sotheby's, with whom it is being sold on July 7.
Ms Charlotte Bischoff van Heemskerck points to the art work in her home.
By Dutch master Caspar Netscher, the painting depicts seated man Steven Wolters and had hung in Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck's home in Arnhem in the Netherlands
The Commission for Looted Art found that the painting had surfaced at a Düsseldorf gallery in the mid-1950s. It was then auctioned in Amsterdam in 1969 and bought by a private Germany-based collector. The collector agreed to return the painting to Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck last year. Her father died in 1969 with no knowledge of what had happened to the painting. Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck was reunited with the painting last November and, after six months with the painting back in her hands, she is selling it. Speaking on BBC Radio 4 about the rediscovery, Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck said: 'I was flabbergasted to have it back, you can understand.' She added: 'I really felt moved because it was such a beautiful painting… I was very happy when I saw it back.
Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck on her wedding day
The painting was returned to Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck last year. Above: The moment she saw the painting for the first time in more than 80 years
Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck joined the Dutch resistance after the family's paintings had been taken, whilst her father went into hiding. The family's other paintings were also sold off. Previous detective work by Anne Webber, the founder of the Commission for Looted Art, discovered one – Jacob Oschtervelt's The Oyster Meal – in 2017. It had ended up in the collection of the lord mayor of London at Mansion House. It was returned to Ms Bischoff van Heemskerck in 2017.
The other item is from news.com at:
101-year-old ex-Nazi guard sentenced for aiding 3,500 murders
June 28, 2022
A 101-year-old former Nazi concentration camp guard was convicted in Germany Tuesday of more than 3,500 counts of accessory to murder — becoming the oldest person to date to be held accountable for crimes related to the Holocaust. The Neuruppin Regional Court sentenced Josef Schütz to five years in prison, although he is unlikely to serve any time behind bars because of his poor health, advanced age and a lengthy appeals process.
Schütz had denied working as a Schutzstaffel guard at the Sachsenhausen camp and aiding and abetting the murder of 3,518 prisoners. In the trial, which opened in October, the centenarian said that he had worked as a farm laborer near Pasewalk in northeastern Germany during the period in question and never wore a German uniform. However, the court considered it proven that starting at age 21, he worked at the camp on the outskirts of Berlin between 1942 and 1945 as an enlisted member of the Nazi Party’s paramilitary wing, the German news agency dpa reported.
“The court has come to the conclusion that, contrary to what you claim, you worked in the concentration camp as a guard for about three years,” presiding Judge Udo Lechtermann said, according to dpa. He added that, in doing so, the defendant had assisted in the Nazis’ terror and murder mechanism. “You willingly supported this mass extermination with your activity,” Lechtermann said. “You watched deported people being cruelly tortured and murdered there every day for three years.”
And it’s a very important thing because it gives closure to the relatives of the victims,” Zuroff added. “The fact that these people all of a sudden feel that their loss is being addressed and the suffering of their family who they lost in the camps is being addressed … is a very important thing.”
Sachsenhausen was established in 1936 just north of Berlin as the first new site after Adolf Hitler gave the SS full control of the Nazi concentration camp system. More than 200,000 people were held there between 1936 and 1945. Tens of thousands of inmates died of starvation, disease, forced labor and other causes, as well as through medical experiments and systematic SS extermination operations including shootings, hangings and gassing with Zyklon-B. Exact numbers on those killed vary, with upper estimates of some 100,000, though scholars suggest figures of 40,000 to 50,000 are likely more accurate.
In its early years, most inmates were either political prisoners or criminal convicts, but they also included some Jehovah’s Witnesses and homosexuals. The first large group of Jewish prisoners was brought there in 1938 after the so-called Night of Broken Glass, or Kristallnacht, an anti-Semitic pogrom. During the war, Sachsenhausen was expanded to include Soviet prisoners of war — who were shot by the thousands — as well as others. As in other camps, Jewish prisoners were singled out at Sachsenhausen for particularly harsh treatment, and most who remained alive by 1942 were sent to the Auschwitz death camp.
Former Nazi concentration camp guard Josef Schütz, 101, hides his face behind a folder in a German court Tuesday, before he was convicted of more than 3,500 counts of accessory to murder.
Wednesday, June 29, 2022
Some interesting facts and trivia, facts from QII and extra comment from myself . . .
In the 1600s, a gay brothel may have occupied the location where Buckingham Palace, home of Queen Elizabeth 11, now stands, according to some historians.
Historian Norton Rictor wrote in 2013 that gay cruising spots and brothels may have started operating in London around the start of the 17th century. His essay notes that Clement Walker, an English politician, wrote in 1649 about brothels and gay male sex workers that there were “new-erected sodoms and spintries at the Mulberry Garden at S. James’s.”
“Sodoms referred to the brothels and “sprintries” to the gay sex workers, according to the outlet.
The Mulberry Garden is now the northwest corner of Buckingham Palace.
The Louvre has a naked version of the Mona Lisa painted by Da Vinci or perhaps by one of Da Vinci’s pupils.
Art experts may have solved a riddle that has been baffling them for years: whether a drawing of a nude woman, bearing a striking resemblance to the Mona Lisa, is a Leonardo da Vinci original.
Following extensive testing, investigators from the Centre for Research and Restoration of the Museums of France (C2RMF) say the charcoal drawing, known as the "Monna Vanna" or "Nude Mona Lisa," was completed in da Vinci's studio and may have been the work of the master himself.
The drawing was previously thought to have been completed by da Vinci's students.
Experts at the centre found that much of the work was completed by a left-handed artist, supporting theories that da Vinci was the creator.
Btw, here is the real Mona Lisa for comparison:
When Queen Victoria arrived in 1837, there were no bathrooms in Buckingham Palace.
Originally commissioned as a large townhouse for the Duke of Buckingham, the house which would become Buckingham Palace was acquired by the crown in 1761 when King George III purchased it as a private residence for Queen Charlotte. The palace then took on a more official role as the London residence of the British monarch when Queen Victoria ascended the throne in 1837.
The palace Queen Victoria inherited in 1837 was in dire need of repair. The kitchen’s faced floods of sewage, lamp gas had dangerously built up and the building was constantly cold due to poor ventilation, plus there were no bathrooms. The design flaws were soon seen to, however, by a team led by Prince Albert, who also oversaw major additions to the palace such as the iconic balcony.
The palace c. 1837, depicting Marble Arch, a ceremonial entrance. It was moved to make way for the east wing in 1847.
Whoopi Goldberg got her name from her childhood flatulence.
From an article in The Guardian:
Goldberg, born Caryn Elaine Johnson, was nicknamed Whoopi after joke shop fart cushions. She explained: "If you get a little gassy, you've got to let it go. So people used to say to me: 'You're like a whoopee cushion'".
From an article in the New York Times:
You were born Caryn Johnson. How did you wind up with the name Whoopi?Here’s the thing. When you’re performing on stage, you never really have time to go into the bathroom and close the door. So if you get a little gassy, you’ve got to let it go. So people used to say to me, You are like a whoopee cushion. And that’s where the name came from.If you find it rude to comb your hair in public, as you’ve said on your show, how can you possibly justify public acts of flatulence?Is it bad manners if you say, I really have to cut this?
Tuesday, June 28, 2022
From the Vault:
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Laws of the Universe: Murphy's and Other Laws
Murphy’s Law, the adage that “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”, became known in those terms about 1950 although similar expressions dated back to the 1800’s.
The above wording and the name Murphy’s Law are generally attributed to Captain Edward Murphy, an engineer working on Edwards Air Force Base in 1949. Murphy said of one technician “If there is any way to do it wrong, he’ll find it.” Shortly afterwards the base MD, Dr Stapp, said at a press conference that the base safety record was due to a firm belief in Murphy's Law and in the need to try and circumvent it. From there it was quoted and became more widely known, eventually worldwide.
Murphy’s Law, and laws like Murphy’s, help to explain and make sense of both minor occurrences and the structure of the universe. More importantly, they do so in practical ways we all understand and relate to. Quote Newton’s Third Law of Motion – “To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” – and you will have people scratching their heads and wondering of what practical benefit in any event.
Quote Aigner’s Axiom – “No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results” – and people will nod knowingly. Not only do they know it’s true, either from experience or because it intuitively feels true, it also a practical tool to deal with expectation and for not becoming discouraged.
These laws of the universe are descriptive and identifying, not causative. Thus we know that as soon as you wash your car, it will rain, but you cannot deliberately make it rain by washing your car.
Today I present to you the original Murphy’s Law and corollaries. Future posts will feature other such laws and their application to specific situations.
If anything can go wrong, it will
At the most inopportune time
It will be all your fault, and everyone will know it.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the FIRST to go wrong
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop
It will be impossible to fix the fifth fault, without breaking the fix on one or more of the others
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Some other examples of laws of the universe . . .
Monday, June 27, 2022
Sent to me by friend John P . . .
Things I will NOT do before I die!
NEVER EVER !!!!!
Extreme skiing in Wyoming.
Sky walking in the Alps.
Sitting on the Trolltunga rock in Norway
Jumping on the Trolltunga rock in Norway
Ice climbing a frozen waterfall.
And why would you want to do this?
Sky walking on Mount Nimbus in Canada.
Just having a look around.
Extreme kayaking at Victoria Falls.
Diving 30 meters through a rock monolith in Portugal.
Climbing Mt. Wellington.
Standing on the Edgewalk in Toronto.
Cycling in Norway.
Walking over a crevice.
Glacier boarding anywhere.
Biking on the Cliffs of Moher.
I am ALREADY old.
I didn't get here by being stupid!
Thanks for sending John.
A couple of more comments and thoughts . . .