Friday, October 7, 2022





In these wet and windy weather days, enjoy a little humour, people . . . 


A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologises for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”

“I accept, thanks!” she answers.

He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.

Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says:

“My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”


Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. My, said the census taker, that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means? Sure! Three thousand bucks, and that doesn’t even include the anesthesiologist!


A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest. The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man of the cloth, as are you! I assure you, there is nothing inappropriate going on between us!"

After the visiting priest leaves, the housekeeper says to the priest, "Father, I don't know how to say this, but our silver gravy ladle is missing, and it's been missing since your cousin's visit. I don't know what to do! I'm sure I didn't misplace it!"

The priest tells the housekeeper that he'll handle it. He writes his cousin:

"Dear Cousin. A matter of some delicacy has arisen. Our silver gravy ladle is missing. Now I'm not saying you stole it, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact is that it's missing. If you have anything to tell me about this, please do so."

The answer:

"Dear Cousin. Regarding your letter, I'm not saying you're sleeping with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you're not, but if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found your silver gravy ladle."


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. But when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"


An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house!

Catching the man in the act of burglarising her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.")

When the burglar heard this, he stopped dead in his tracks, blanched and raised two shaking hands. The woman quickly called the police and told them exactly what happened. They arrived minutes later with sirens blaring. Several officers strode in and took the unresisting man into custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse."

"Scripture? What scripture??" replied the confused burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"


Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'



There was a young lady from Putney
Who was given to sexual gluttony.
Warned a pious old duffer
“Your morals will suffer.”
“That’s what you think,” she said, “I ain’t got any.”





What’s the difference between your granny and your granary?
One is your born kin and the other is your corn bin.


"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.


My dad farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels


Thursday, October 6, 2022




I relate to this (as my wife and kids will attest) . . .

Eating Habits

     by Alan Balter

Tomato sauce I'm at a loss
I simply don't know why
Hardly ever, really never
Spots a worn out tie

But wear a new one, a costly blue one
A fancy silken job
If you're like me; I guarantee
With gravy, you're a slob

Spicy mustard, chocolate custard
Everybody knows
Never spill and never will
When you're wearing your old clothes

But brand new pants don't have a chance
Hanging on your hips
Melted cheese, with shocking ease
Drips right off your lips

So let's suppose food really knows
When you're dressed up fancy
I'd still conclude that eating nude
Would be very chancy.

Wednesday, October 5, 2022







The Fables:

Aesop's Fables, or the Aesopica, is a collection of fables credited to Aesop, a slave and storyteller believed to have lived in ancient Greece between 620 and 564 BCE. Of diverse origins, the stories associated with his name have descended to modern times through a number of sources and continue to be reinterpreted in different verbal registers and in popular as well as artistic media. The fables originally belonged to the oral tradition and were not collected for some three centuries after Aesop's death. By that time a variety of other stories, jokes and proverbs were being ascribed to him.


The Fable:

A Dove saw an Ant fall into a brook. The Ant struggled in vain to reach the bank, and in pity, the Dove dropped a blade of straw close beside it. Clinging to the straw like a shipwrecked sailor to a broken spar, the Ant floated safely to shore.

Soon after, the Ant saw a man getting ready to kill the Dove with an arrow. But just as he drew the arrow, the Ant stung him in the heel, so that the pain made him miss his aim, and the startled Dove flew to safety in a distant wood.


The Moral:

A kindness is never wasted.

Alternative version:

If you do good, good will come to you


The Application (by Thomas Beswick):

We ought ever with a ready zeal to extend our arm to relieve a sinking friend from distress and danger, or endeavour to forewarn him against the wicked plots of his enemies. The benevolent man, from the most disinterested motives, will always be disposed to do good offices to all, and the grateful man will never forget to return them in kind, if it be possible; and there is not one good man in the world who may not on some occasion stand in need of the help of another.

But gratitude is not very common among mankind. It is a heavenly spark, from which many virtues spring; and the source of pleasures which never enter the breast of the vile ingrate. The favours and kindnesses bestowed upon the grateful man, he cannot forget; those which are conferred upon the ungrateful, are lost: he concludes he would not have had them, if he had not deserved them.



Some thoughts:

I don't agree with the moral that if you do good, good comes back to you. Certainly a smile is more likely to result in a smile from another than will a scowl, but there is no law of the universe that good comes back to someone doing good. Nor will doing good to make good happen in return. It's a bit like the Murphy's Law that says that when you wash your car it will invariably rain, but washing your car to make it rain won't work.

Ultimately, the doing of good should have no expectation of reward, that is what it is.

Stephen Gellert once famously said: 'I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again."

If that is too saccharine or preachy, the paraphrase (quoted previously in Bytes) by Maurice Bowra (1898-1971), pictured below, may be more to your liking: “I expect to pass through this world but once and therefore if there is anybody that I want to kick in the crutch I had better kick them in the crutch now, for I do not expect to pass this way again.”


Tuesday, October 4, 2022





Byter Sue P, a regular provider of items and links, sent me an email as follows:

Hi Otto
Thought you might enjoy these
Regards, Sue

Sue’s links are set out below, I post the items and the pics without further comment, apart from saying thank you Sue and that I believe readers will find the art both quirky and lovely . . .


Sue’s first link:

Snail shells decorated with gorgeous patterns by American artist Lisa Orlans

West Palm Beach, Florida-based craftswoman Lisa Orlans, aka Rocky Road Art Studio, decorates snail shells with absolutely stunning patterns, full of colorful details.

“These are apple snail shells, they are discarded by the birds, I collect them and sanitize them before painting. Ethically sourced. Although it would be so cool, I do not recommend any painted shells for Hermit crabs. Unfortunately, it just isn’t healthy for them.”
- Lisa Orlans


Sue’s second link:

Spotlight Artist: Lisa Orlans

Lisa Orlans is a beachcomber and artist from Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. Lisa says beachcombing has always been a favorite activity of hers, ever since her early childhood in Jupiter, Florida. When she was little, she’d collect anything interesting that she came across while walking the coast. Now, many years later, her family enjoys finding treasures in nature just as much as she does, whether it’s sea glass on the beach or shark teeth hidden in the Peace River.

A passionate antique dealer as well as a lover of nature, Lisa has a massive collection of everything from sea glass and shells to paperweights and miniature Italian art glass vases. Lisa admits she’s got quite a cluttered life, with beachcombing collections everywhere. She jokes, “I guess I do not subscribe to the Marie Kondo lifestyle. Or maybe it’s just that a lot of things ‘spark joy’ for me!”

Some may find Lisa’s dream beachcombing find to be somewhat unconventional: a Spanish gold or silver coin. Lisa explains that the Jupiter Inlet is and has historically been notoriously difficult to navigate. Because of this, there have been many shipwrecks just off the coast from as far back as the 1600s. Lisa says, “After a hurricane or large swell, finding a washed up Spanish coin would be just incredible.”

Lisa has also turned her love for collecting and nature into an artistic passion. Lisa explains that she and her kids used to love to search for painted rocks at local parks and would paint their own rocks and hide them for lucky strangers to find. In fact, they had so much fun doing it, Lisa says she got carried away and found herself in a house full of art supplies.

Lisa has also turned her love for collecting and nature into an artistic passion. Lisa explains that she and her kids used to love to search for painted rocks at local parks and would paint their own rocks and hide them for lucky strangers to find. In 2017, the Kindness Rocks project really took off and they all enjoyed painting and hiding rocks. In fact, they had so much fun doing it, Lisa says she got carried away and found herself in a house full of art supplies.

Painting rocks attracted Lisa because of how uniquely low-pressure the artistic process is. “For me, it is so much less serious and intimidating than staring at a blank canvas. It allows you to get creative, be whimsical, and just have fun with it.”

It wasn’t until more recently that Lisa’s art became intertwined with beachcombing. “When the pandemic started, I would run in the woods or wetlands instead of hitting the gym,” she says. While there, she started collecting empty apple snail shells along the banks of the rivers and lakes. And, with the snail shells piling up, it did not take long before Lisa started painting on them.

For some time, Lisa just gave away whatever she made. “Eventually, because so many people were interested, and because I was spending so much on supplies, making my hobby a business became a necessity,” Lisa explains. She now has an Etsy shop where she sells her pieces. Lisa is constantly amazed at how much easier it is for artists to connect with buyers than it used to be. “Social media can be a virtual art show and provide artists a wonderful way to connect with art lovers.” The ability to sell online has given her and her husband the flexibility to travel to antique shows for their antique business.

Living close to the beach has instilled in Lisa a deep love and connection with the ocean and all things nautical. She hopes that this love and her love for antiques is reflected in the pieces of art that she creates. “I would love it if someday people were to look at my painted shells and find something timeless in them.”

When she’s not making art or working, Lisa loves to get outside, run, bike, travel, and most importantly, spend time with her family. “Kids grow up fast, so my husband and I try to spend as much time with them as possible.”

Lisa’s process starts with collecting the empty shells, boiling them clean, and scrubbing them with soap. Painting them takes about six hours, after which she seals them with resin for glossiness and strength. Finally she adds pearls, studs, or rhinestones. When people ask what goes into her artistic process, Lisa responds, “A lot of time and a lot of love.”

“Nature always inspires my creations. The graceful lines and colors that can be found in a sunset, a shell, a butterfly wing, or the leaf of a fern… those are the things that amaze me most,” Lisa says. “In the relative isolation of the past year, I have come to realize just how much getting out in nature grounds me and keeps me sane.”

“Jupiter, Florida, is an amazing place to beachcomb,” says Lisa. “The area has undergone a massive beach restoration project recently, so the shells are amazing.” Lucky and thorough beachcombers may even find a shark tooth.

If you’re in the area, you’ll probably go to sightsee on Palm Beach, but Lisa says there’s a lot more to do. She recommends climbing the Jupiter Inlet Lighthouse for an amazing view and a wonderful sense of history—the light’s been shining since 1860. “Visit Jonathan Dickinson State Park and take a canoe trip up the Loxahatchee River to visit Trapper Nelson’s,” she adds. She also recommends visits to The Loggerhead Marinelife Center, Busch Wildl

“For great food, tropical vibes, and live music, go to Guanabanas restaurant,” Lisa says. Lisa also likes Little Moir’s Food Shack and Captain Charlie’s Reef Grill for excellent seafood. If you want a great view and a couple drinks, head to The Square Grouper Tiki Bar.

Find Lisa on Instagram and Etsy at @rockyroadartstudio.

Monday, October 3, 2022





The first British coins to feature the image of King Charles have been unveiled by the Royal Mint.

The new image will appear on 50 pence coins, which will begin circulating in the coming months, and also on a commemorative five-pound coin, which also features two new portraits of Elizabeth on its reverse side.

Charles appears on the new 50 pence coin and the new Stg5 commemorative coin.

Charles’ image is surrounded by a Latin inscription which translates as "King Charles III, by the Grace of God, Defender of the Faith".


Charles’ portrait faces the opposite direction to his late mother Queen Elizabeth in keeping with tradition.

Since the monarchy was restored in 1660 following the 10-year republic of Oliver Cromwell, it has become traditional for the monarch to face in the opposite direction to their predecessor on coins.


Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II, Australian coins will soon start to bear the new monarch's face. The Royal Australian Mint has confirmed it will begin minting coins with the effigy of King Charles III next year and coins will come into circulation with King Charles III's effigy from 2023.

All earlier coins will still remain accepted as legal tender.

According to a regulation of the 1965 Currency Act, the face of Queen Elizabeth II must be on all Australian coins.

The protocol of switching the direction of the effigy faces will also apply in Australia. However, because our coins depict Queen Elizabeth II facing to the right, King Charles III will face to the left.

The Royal Australian Mint has said minting will begin as soon as an effigy, endorsed by Buckingham Palace, has been received and tested.

A special coin released in 2018 by the Royal Mint in the United Kingdom to mark Prince Charles's 70th birthday. As King, he will face the other way on Australian coins.


From the TV series House:

Dr House: “I’m assuming that ‘minimalist at best’ is your British stiff upper lip way of saying ‘no chance in hell.’ “

Dr Chase: “I’m Australian.”

Dr House: “You put the Queen on your money, you’re British.”


As with previous British kings, and unlike the Queen, King Charles III wears no crown on the new coins that feature his portrait.

That's because it is tradition that only female monarchs wear a crown on their coins.

Queen Elizabeth II wore a crown on her coins, but her father King George VI didn't. Similarly, coins featuring Queen Victoria showed her wearing a crown whilst her predecessor, King William IV, wore no crown on his coins.


It’s a shame that Oz won’t take the opportunity, and indeed Buck Palace would not approve, a more casual image with Charlie's headdress for the new coins. There are plenty of images to choose from . . . 

Charlie, age 2

. . .  and my personal favourite for the new Australian coins . . . 

. . . wearing the fox hat.