Friday, November 30, 2018
Is it just me or is time passing more quickly as we approach Christmas? Or maybe things are just busier. Whichever, take a moment out with a cup of tea, coffee or whatever is your pleasure to read some funnies . . .
So apparently RSVPing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.
A German midget jumped into the river yesterday to save my precious little dog who was drowning...
...After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "Here is ze dog, keep him varm, dry him off and he vil be vine"...
...I said to him "Are you a little vet?"
He replied "A little vet?"..... "I am fucking soaked"
A lady who lived by herself came home one day and found her house was being robbed with the robber still in the house. The lady was very well versed in the Bible and shouted at the robber, “Acts 2:38!” The robber stopped dead in his tracks and sat calmly while the lady called the police.
The police arrived and proceeded to arrest the robber. The policeman noted that the robber was somewhat of a burly guy and the lady was a small, petite thing. This intrigued the policeman so much that he finally asked the robber, “Why didn’t you just run or something? She is so much smaller than you. All she did was yell a Bible verse at you.”
The robber looked up at the policeman with a look of shock. “A Bible verse? What?” The policeman says “Yeah, a Bible verse. . . ‘repent and be baptized for the forgiveness of your sins…’ ” The robber tells the policeman… “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Finest of Funny Friday . . .
A man from the city bought himself a farm.
On his first day at the farm he was walking his acres, discovering the creeks, hills and other features when he came upon a large hole in the ground. He looked inside but he could see only blackness. He picked up a small stone and dropped it into the hole, waiting to hear it strike the bottom to ascertain its depth, but he heard nothing.
He then dropped in a larger stone, with his ear held over the hole, but again he heard nothing.
Looking around he noticed a railway sleeper. With some effort he managed to push it into the hole. As he waited to hear the sound of it striking the bottom, a goat ran out from some nearby bushes and charged staright at him. He managed to get out of its way at the last moment but the goat continued straight on, into the hole.
A short while later a man came by and said to him “’Scuse me, mate, but you haven’t seen a goat around here anywhere, have you?”
”Well, as a matter of fact I have,” he replied. “A goat came out of those bushes, charged at me and dived into this hole.”
“Nahh, that wouldn’t be my goat,” he replied, “mine’s tied to a railway sleeper.”
Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…the other's got a dodgy tikka!
A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collide in the middle of the ocean......
Both crews were marooned.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Thursday, November 29, 2018
Whilst wondering what I would post tonight (as I have previously noted, I post my Bytes items at night; the blog determines the time it is sent to subscribers), an email arrived from Leo M called Today’s Reality – Sad But True. Not sure I agree with all of it and some of it does have a nostalgia aspect that always paints the past as a better, warmer and kinder place that ignores a lot of the crap we had then, but there is still food for thought.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Risque content and language ahead . . .
From David B, who hails from Derbyshire, England, in respect of my posting a limerick that used the place name Aberystwyth, which I described as being in England:
Prepare for much Celtic wrath,, Otto. The English town of Aberystwyth is actually in Wales.
Thanks, David. All I can say is . . .
My description of English Aberystwyth
Was soundly by David dismissed with
“It’s actually in Wales”,
Yep, one of my fails
But limericks I will persist with.
By the way, the original Abeystwyth limerick, posted yesterday, was written by none other than Algernon Charles Swinburne (1837 – 1909), an English poet, playwright, novelist, and critic.
Btw, a favourite limerick:
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said, ‘Girls on the way,
But what in the hell’s a panoe?’
I received an email from friend Steve M in response to the limerick about the man from Devizes (now that one is in England) who had balls of two different sizes:
Ahhhh the English language! Another terrific Bytes today, thanks Otto.
I know the market town of Devizes well – it is not far from the many scenes of my mis-spent youth (mentioned in a previous note from yours truly). Will check my balls now..................... nope, they are both fucking huge as I thought!
Such a shy, reserved chap.
A couple of more limericks from famous people, from a past Bytes ;
Even noted writers have turned their hands and minds to limericks. This is one by Mark Twain.
(To assist in working it out, I will give the hint that "Co" would normally be read in full as "Company").
A man hired by John Smith and Co.
Loudly declared that he'd tho.
Men that he saw
Dumping dirt near his door
The drivers, therefore, didn't do.
* * * * * * * * * *
There was a young belle of old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patchez.
When comments arose
On the state of her clothes,
She replied, “When Ah itchez, Ah scratchez.”
- Ogden Nash
* * * * * * * * * *
And one by William Shakespeare, Othello, Act 2, Scene 3:
And let me the canakin clink, clink;
And let me the canakin clink
A soldier’s a man;
A life’s but a span;
Why, then, let a soldier drink.
(Okay, so it's not as good as the Man from Nantucket and the Helen Keller limericks...)
* * * * * * * * * *
Even a Brit Prime Minister has dabbled:
Few thought he was even a starter.
There were many in life who were smarter.
But he finished PM,
A CH, an OM,
An earl and a Knight of the Garter.
- Clement Attlee (about himself)
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
Caution: risque content ahead.
Whilst watching an episode of Escape to the Country, the town of Devizes was mentioned. It is a market town in the centre of Wiltshire in England. The name reminded me of a limerick. More of that in a moment.
I remember that on an earlier occasion whilst watching Escape to the Country I was moved to quote poetry to my wife, Kate, upon hearing the English town of Aberystwyth mentioned:
There once was a girl from Aberystwyth
Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
The miller's son Jack
Laid her flat on her back
And united the organs they pissed with.
John Keating said in Dead Poets Society that “Language was developed for one endeavour, and that is... to woo women” but not all women are moved by having poetry recited to them, I have learned.
Here is the Devizes limerick:
There once was a man from Devizes,
Who had balls of two different sizes,
One ball was small,
And of no use at all,
The other so large it won prizes.
Some more limericks that utilise odd pronunciations of English place names, a reprint from a 2015 Bytes post:
* * * * *
"Gloucester" is pronounced "Gloster", “Leicester” is pronounced “Lester”:
An old couple living in Gloucester
Had a beautiful girl, but they loucester;
She fell from a yacht,
And never the spacht
Could be found where the cold waves had toucester.
A young man of Gloucester named Foucester,
Had a wife who ran off with a coucester.
He traced her to Leicester,
And tried to arreicester,
But in spite of these efforts he loucester.
* * * * *
"Worcester" is prounounced "Wooster":
There was a young lady of Worcester,
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But 'twas only a dream,
A lump in the mattress had gorcester.
* * * * *
As noted above, "Leicester" is pronounced "Lester":
At the bar in the old inn at Leicester
Was a beautiful bar-maid named Heicester;
She gave to each guest
Only what was the buest,
And they all, with one accord, bleicester.
* * * * *
"Salisbury" is also called "Sarem", the way that many people pronounce “Salisbury.” “Hants” is to the Brits a familiar abbreviation of "Hampshire":
There was a young vicar from Salisbury
Whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury.
He went around Hampshire
without any pampshire
'til his bishop compelled him to walisbury.
* * * * *
"Beauchamp" is pronounced "Beacham" in its English pronunciation:
A youthful schoolmistress named Beauchamp
Said: These awful boys, how shall I teauchamp?
For they will not behave
Although I look grave
And with tears in my eyes I beseauchamp.
* * * * * * * * * *
Bonus Limerick #1, a Belgian place name:
"Bruges" is pronounced to rhyme with "huge".
There once was a duchess from Bruges
Whose vag was amazingly huge.
Said the King to this dame
As he thunderously came,
“Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!”
The phrase “Après moi, le déluge” (“After me, the deluge" or "After me, the flood!") is attributed to the King of France Louis XV (1710-1774).
There are two interpretations as to its meaning:
- “After me the deluge will come”, meaning “After my reign, the nation will be plunged into chaos and destruction.”
- “After me, let the deluge come (it can come, but it makes no difference to me).” In this second case, the speaker asserts that nothing that happens after his disappearance matters to him.
Classical scholars favour the second interpretation.
Fifteen years after the King’s death, the French Revolution (1789-1799) took place, which cost the life of his grandson and successor, Louis XVI.
* * * * * * * * * *
Bonus limerick #2, no place name:
There once was a soldier named Fisk
Who said, when the fighting got brisk,
"I'm sorry to say
That I cannot stay.
I've got only one * "
(Okay, it took me a bit to work it out so I will explain it –
“I’ve got only one asterisk.” - Ass to risk).
Monday, November 26, 2018
An item sent to me by Sue P:
"How a woman made history racing Big Ben's chimes in 1934"
To save you having to look it up, dear Constant Reader, I will post the story, which is by one Scott Pack, and the pics . . .
How a woman made history racing Big Ben's chimes in 1934
By Scott Pack:
I want to tell you about a remarkable woman that you almost certainly haven't heard of. Her name is Florence Ilott and, in 1934, she became the first person to run across Westminster Bridge within the twelve chimes of Big Ben at noon.
As a teenager, in the early 1930s, she started working at the House of Commons. She was one of the tea room staff and lived on the premises. She cried all through her first night as the chimes of Big Ben meant she was unable to sleep. Her roommates told her not to worry and that she'd get used to the noise in no time. Sure enough, the next evening she slept like a log and never noticed the chimes at night again.
Here she is on a works trip in 1931.
Although the origins are unknown there was a long-standing tradition for staff at the Commons, including MPs, to occasionally attempt to run across Westminster Bridge at noon before Big Ben struck twelve. Florence was an amateur sprinter and one of the MPs suggested she give it a go. So just before noon on April 14th 1934 she donned her running gear and awaited the first chime.
The event was recorded by reporters and photographers from the Associated Press, Daily Sketch and Evening Standard who saw her make it across the bridge by the tenth chime, becoming the first person to achieve the feat.
Here are some of the cuttings and pictures that were published at the time.
She had a successful career as a sprinter, particularly at the 220-yard dash. These were back in the amateur days when runners were awarded prizes such as clocks, crockery and canteens of cutlery instead of money. In later life her home was full of the prizes she had won. Florence Ilott was born on 20th September 1913 and died on 31st May 2002, at the age of 88.
She was my grandmother.
To help me research this thread, my dad unearthed all the pictures and clippings he could find. We thought we had copies of everything but I did a quick Google search to see if there was anything else out there. This is what we found. We had no idea this existed and we both watched it for the first time today.
[Click on the following link . . .Otto]
Scott Pack's site has reader contributions which include newspaper reports and photographs from places as far afield as Australia, Holland and Indonesia. Withpout wanting to derogate from Florence Ilot's achievement, I wonder whether the fascination was not only with the sporting feat but also that she was an attractive, young female at a time, 1934, of lesser involvement of women in athletic events than today. Would a male athlete have achieved the same coverage?
What do readers think?
Also, did this remind anyone else of the scene early in Chariots of Fire where Harold Abrahams is the first to complete the Trinity Great Court Run, running around the college courtyard in the time it takes for the clock to strike 12.