Sunday, August 7, 2022

SOME CHANGES

Readers will have noticed that emailed posts have been erratic and in some cases have not been sent at all.

The body which administers the site, Feedburner, has been mostly decommissioned by Google and is about to be stopped altogether.

I am trying to find an alternative service and to transfer all subscribers.

Stay patient, Byters.

Friday, August 5, 2022

SOME THOUGHTS

 

Hilary Hinton "Zig" Ziglar (1926 – 2012) was an American author, salesman, and motivational speaker.

Ziglar dropped out of college in 1947 and moved to Lancaster, South Carolina, where he took up a job as a salesman with the WearEver Cookware company. Ziglar was promoted to field manager and eventually divisional supervisor in 1950.

While working at the company, Ziglar became interested in self-help and motivational speaking and began giving speeches of his own.

Ziglar was a charter member in the establishment of American Salesmasters in 1963. The company's objective was to raise the image of salespeople in America by providing seminars. They booked an auditorium, put together a slate of speakers and contacted local businesses to sell tickets. Audiences included insurance agents, car salesmen, financial advisors, entrepreneurs, small business owners and curiosity seekers.

Eventually Ziglar spoke extensively as a motivational speaker and wrote over 30 books. His first book, See You at the Top, was rejected 39 times before it was published. It is still in print.

Ziglar died of pneumonia in 2012 aged 86.



QUOTE FOIR THE DAY

 


FUNNY FRIDAY

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Welcome again to Funny Friday, Byters.

I was reminded during the week of a joke about suppositories (not, I hasten to add, because of personal use), and I recalled that I had posted this in Bytes previously. I located it in a Funny Friday on 6 January, 2012, as part of a doctors theme.

I didn’t recall most of the items in that post, which is like reading (and hearing) them for the first time.

I am therefore reposting the whole of that post, in its original format, in From the Vault below.

Enjoy.


Caution: some risquΓ© content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR:
__________

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
__________

Paddy coming back from holiday was at the airport going through Customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick. He told me that he was starting up a jazz band, and could I bring him back two saxophones.
__________

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him,

-“Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

- “John,” the new seaman replied.

- “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

- “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

- “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed.

- “Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief.”

- “Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do ….”

-------☹😊☹-------


Repost:

Bytes
Friday, January 6, 2012.
Funny Friday


Today’s Funny Friday is dedicated to my doc, David, who is also a personal friend and a subscriber to Bytes. He is, to use an expression that in the Australian vernacular is the ultimate accolade, “a good bloke”. If someone is described by another as a good bloke, nothing more needs to be said.

By the way, does anyone know why doctors are colloquially referred to as quacks? It doesn't happen as much these days, it was more common when I was younger. . .

“Gees I’m feeling crook."

“Then go see the quack and take a sickie.”

The description of doctors as “quacks” dates from about 1570 and comes from the Dutch kwakzalver, a hawker of salve (kwak – peddle; salve – ointment), and from the Middle Dutch quacken, meaning to brag, boast, to croak. It referred to a peddler who sold fraudulent medicinal ointments in the street and who made claims of cure-all properties for such items. The word was also used in England and was translated to quacksalver, having the same meaning but later referring more generally to a fake or unethical doctor. It was eventually shortened to quack and over time became a colloquial term for all doctors, but still retaining an element of not being genuine.

Caution: there are some risque items in the following.


A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"


A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."


A man goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.

“That looks nasty,” says the doctor.

“Yes,” replies the man. “And that’s just the tip of the iceberg!”


A doctor gave an elderly patient suffering from haemorrhoids a script for suppositories.

When he met the old man in the street he asked whether the suppositories had had any effect.

“Nahh,” said the old man. "For all the good they did, I might as well have shoved them up my arse.”


An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom. A week after arriving home, he finds his willy is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Days later the doctor calls and says, 'I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate.' The man isnistes on getting a second opinion and sees another specialist who confirms the diagnosis and the treatment. In desperation the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongowian VD.' 'What can you do?' asks the man. 'My American doctors want to amputate!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, 'Stupid American doctors aways want to opewate. Make more money that way. No need to opewate!' 'Oh, thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes!' says the Chinese doctor. 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self!'

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

An anonymous woman we knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in
As soon as the service is through."

-------☹😊☹-------

From Tony Z, thanks Tony . . .

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"And finally, I pray that everyone will be happy."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall!"

-------☹😊☹-------



CORN CORNER:
__________

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

Some reader comments in response to the above, where it was posted:

Havarti told you how much I liked this?

Gouda one!

A Muenster punchline, indeed.

Cheesy jokes like this remind me of my youth - when I first heard them.

Emal
__________

Studying History makes you numb

but studying Mathematics makes you number.
__________

Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays.

But in the medieval times, they were called Lance a lot.

Some reader comments in response to the above, where it was posted:

Guinevere sure got lanced a lot.

Then I'll bet she cam a lot!

-------☹😊☹-------

Thursday, August 4, 2022

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


 

I READ THE NEWS TODAY, OH BOY !


The following article is a reprint from the Daily Mail Australia, followed by reader comments.

You can access the article by clicking on:

I am in 2 minds, it is a hoot, like a scene from CSI, but I can imagine it creeping out whoever comes across it in the future . . .

'So cruel': Mum seals a terrifying object inside her kitchen bench that won't be found until new owners renovate the home in '50 years' time

A DIY mum has shown off her dark sense of humour after hiding a human skeleton in her newly installed island bench. The mum-of-two posted photos of the life-like skeleton 'crouching in the dead space' and joked about the idea of him scaring the next people who renovate the property.


'50 years from today someone will tear out this kitchen and this cabinet will get the whole neighbourhood on their feet,' she wrote. 'I wish I could travel in time to see the face expression of that poor guy that will pull the countertop off of that cabinet,' she added.

The mum dressed her skeleton in a tradie t-shirt, cargo pants and a cap - and put a red pen in his hand.


And while thousands of home renovators found it 'hilarious' others said the mum didn't take the joke far enough. 'Have him holding a note and tell them they were isolating during a Covid bout. Then they can have a history lesson as well,' one woman said. Another said he should be wearing a facemask and holding a positive RAT test.

Some said the joke was simply cruel. 'I think you'll give them a heart attack and surviving that, a bloody good laugh,' one woman said.

Others couldn't understand why the mum chose to have dead space in the island bench at all. 'Why is it an empty space and not storage? The skeleton is taking up valuable real estate. Seriously, one can never have enough storage,' one woman said.

One woman said she once oversaw a renovation where a child's coffin was uncovered. Her staff put the casket on her desk and said as the boss she had to open it. 'No way was I going to open it! I would have resigned first. Turned out it was a prankster with the same sense of humour as these guys doing something similar to this. It was a time capsule. Not very amusing at the time but made for a good story after the event,' she said. The woman pities the people who find the skeleton. 'I didn't take too much notice of the actual contents as I was too shaken from the experience. I was traumatized,' she said.

Others said the woman's fifty-year renovation estimate was generous adding it will probably be remodeled in ten.

Reader comments

What a silly waste of space.

OMGosh...lighten up. Thanks to those people who still have ability to laugh. Perspective...it really doesn't matter what next owner thinks, this owner is having a good laugh.

I can already imagine reading the article on here in 50 years when the new owners find it

What a stupid, time-wasting, thoughtless and idiotic thing to do. I hope the publicity finds her out. Imagine having her as your mother.

Not half as funny as hiding raw seafood in really inaccessible places before moving out if your landlord/buyer has shafted you, or tried to. Prawns in curtain rails and raw oysters under floorboards are two of my favourites for a landlord who jacked up the rent.

That's small-time. A water pipe with a slow leak is more costly.

The sad sacks are already here. Too bad the Adelaide representation are mainly of the snowflake variety. Personally, I think it's hilarious!

Detest pranks ...what are they good for?

50 years? Not these days. It's likely to be 15 years.....so she'll still be around to sue when the next owner has a heart attack.

Oh dear, there will be a craze of similar pranks over here now. What a waste of space!

Be nice and leave a bottle of wine saying "cheers".

Could give an older person a heart attack or trigger a war veteran with ptsd. Such a selfish nasty thoughtless act.

Great waste of police resources when it's eventually found! What a POS

Its obviously made from plastic. Pretty sure even the new home-owners will see it. Wouldn't you wonder where all the remains are, apart from bones? No maggots, no oozing liquid lol. Just a clean skeleton with new clothes on. Yep looks real to me.

But why??

Give him a medal saying 2022 Hide and Seek Champion.

"Others couldn't understand why the mum chose to have dead space in the island bench at all." I thought exactly the same thing. Why not put a wine rack or more drawers?

Again..stupid and not newsworthy!

Nasty

We can do with a bit of fun in these trying times !

I'm sorry but that's stupid and nasty and actually quite funny....

Good fun. I wish I could live long enough to see the reaction.

Yeah or it could LITERALLY give someone a heart attack and create a real death

I see nothing wrong with this at all. Sure it'll shock people, but just like a cake needs sprinkles, it needs something else like a self-isolating Covid note as suggested, or some end of the world prepper with a gasmask and calendar from the 1960s.

To be fair, its a very ordinary looking kitchen, it won't last the decade before its re-done...

Hilarious! I left a message on my renos that we built it during Covid 19 lockdowns & when we pulled out our kitchen we found a note from the previous owners. It's a bit of fun & history

Excellent prank! Unfortunately, an army of snowflakes are waiting to be told why this is offensive, and the moment they're convinced this is insensitive they will come here to howl.

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 


POETRY SPOT: MY WAGE

My Wage

by Jessie B. Rittenhouse

I bargained with Life for a penny,
And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store;

For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.

I worked for a menial's hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have paid.

(This poem is alerting us to the belief of "ask, and ye shall receive". If we were to ask for a low wage because we believed that we don't deserve more, life will very surely pay us a low wage. However, if we dare to ask for bigger things and are willing to shoulder the responsibilities, then just as likely we'll get what we've asked for.)