Friday, March 4, 2016
Funny Friday
It's
so that means it's time for a bit of
Today, some more items about different countries.
Caution: risque humour included.
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France:
* * * * * * * * * *
In a French restaurant, a tourist notices the waiter has his thumb in his plate:
Man: “Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup?”
Waiter: “So sorry sir, but I have a boil and the doctor told me to keep it warm.”
Man: “Well why don’t you just stick it up your ass?”
Waiter: “I do sir, but I’ve got to serve customers occasionally…”
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Australia:
Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'
Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".'
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
* * * * * * * * * *
Noprm decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Norm replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.'
* * * * * * * * * *
Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.
'You'll get your chance in court,' Desk Sergeant Kelly told him.
'I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,' pleaded Bruce. 'I've been trying to do that for years.'
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Canada:
* * * * * * * * * *
A Canadian couple was strolling through Hyde Park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton.
The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said, 'Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians.'
'Indeed we are,' replied the Canadian gentleman.
'I hope you won't mind my asking,' said the Brit, 'but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?'
'Well,' replied the Canadian gentleman, 'one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known.'
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, 'And what's that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?'
'Oh, that's to remind us of the six words of our national motto,' the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit then asked, 'And what are those six words?'
The Canadian smiled and replied, 'They are 'Don't blame us - we're not Americans.'
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Ireland:
The following is not a joke, it is a humorous true story, from the BBC News website 19 February 2009 at:
The Mystery of Ireland’s Worst Driver
Details of how police in the Irish Republic finally caught up with the country's most reckless driver have emerged, the Irish Times reports.
He had been wanted from counties Cork to Cavan after racking up scores of speeding tickets and parking fines.
However, each time the serial offender was stopped he managed to evade justice by giving a different address.
But then his cover was blown.
It was discovered that the man every member of the Irish police's rank and file had been looking for - a Mr Prawo Jazdy - wasn't exactly the sort of prized villain whose apprehension leads to an officer winning an award.
In fact he wasn't even human.
"Prawo Jazdy is actually the Polish for driving licence and not the first and surname on the licence," read a letter from June 2007 from an officer working within the Garda's traffic division.
"Having noticed this, I decided to check and see how many times officers have made this mistake.
"It is quite embarrassing to see that the system has created Prawo Jazdy as a person with over 50 identities."
The officer added that the "mistake" needed to be rectified immediately and asked that a memo be circulated throughout the force.
In a bid to avoid similar mistakes being made in future relevant guidelines were also amended.
And if nothing else is learnt from this driving-related debacle, Irish police officers should now know at least two words of Polish.
As for the seemingly elusive Mr Prawo Jazdy, he has presumably become a cult hero among Ireland's second largest immigrant population
* * * * * * * * * *
A Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman were chatting about their children.
The Scotsman says' meet my son Andrew, we called him Andrew because he was born on 30th of November'.
The Welshman says' That's a coincidence, meet my son David. He was born on St David's day'.
The Irishman said, fancy that, would you believe that's amazing. Paddy calls over to his son:
'Oi Pancake! come over here..'
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Scotland:
Angus, talking to his friend Jock in a bar:
"See this bar here lad? I built this bar with me bare hands. I planed the wood, sanded, stained it, nailed it, put me sweat and blood into it. But do they call be Angus the bar-builder? No... See that fence outside? Aye, I built that too. I shaped the wood, dug the holes, measured and planted the posts meself. But do they call be Angus the fence-builder? NO! That boat outside lad, aye, built that meself too! I chopped down the trees, dried and warped the wood, nailed it and tarred it with me bare hands! But do they call me Angus the boat-builder? No! But you fuck one sheep laddie....
Corn Corner:
* * * * * * * * * *
A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.
Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them.
One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Some Roald Dahl
Roald Dahl, Revolting Rhymes
As soon as Wolf began to feel
That he would like a decent meal,
He went and knocked on Grandma's door.
When Grandma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
And Wolfie said, "May I come in?''
Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
"He's going to eat me up!'' she cried.
As soon as Wolf began to feel
That he would like a decent meal,
He went and knocked on Grandma's door.
When Grandma opened it, she saw
The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,
And Wolfie said, "May I come in?''
Poor Grandmamma was terrified,
"He's going to eat me up!'' she cried.
And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up in one big bite.
But Grandmamma was small and tough,
And Wolfie wailed, "That's not enough!
I haven't yet begun to feel
That I have had a decent meal!''
He ran around the kitchen yelping,
"I've got to have a second helping!''
Then added with a frightful leer,
"I'm therefore going to wait right here
Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
Comes home from walking in the wood.''
He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,
(Of course he hadn't eaten those).
He dressed himself in coat and hat.
He put on shoes, and after that
He even brushed and curled his hair,
Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.
In came the little girl in red.
She stopped. She stared. And then she said,
"What great big ears you have, Grandma.''
"All the better to hear you with,'' the Wolf replied.
"What great big eyes you have, Grandma.''
said Little Red Riding Hood.
"All the better to see you with,'' the Wolf replied.
He sat there watching her and smiled.
He thought, I'm going to eat this child.
Compared with her old Grandmamma
She's going to taste like caviar.
Then Little Red Riding Hood said, "But Grandma,
what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.''
"That's wrong!'' cried Wolf. "Have you forgot
To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
Ah well, no matter what you say,
I'm going to eat you anyway.''
The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
She aims it at the creature's head
And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.
A few weeks later, in the wood,
I came across Miss Riding Hood.
But what a change! No cloak of red,
He ate her up in one big bite.
But Grandmamma was small and tough,
And Wolfie wailed, "That's not enough!
I haven't yet begun to feel
That I have had a decent meal!''
He ran around the kitchen yelping,
"I've got to have a second helping!''
Then added with a frightful leer,
"I'm therefore going to wait right here
Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood
Comes home from walking in the wood.''
He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,
(Of course he hadn't eaten those).
He dressed himself in coat and hat.
He put on shoes, and after that
He even brushed and curled his hair,
Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.
In came the little girl in red.
She stopped. She stared. And then she said,
"What great big ears you have, Grandma.''
"All the better to hear you with,'' the Wolf replied.
"What great big eyes you have, Grandma.''
said Little Red Riding Hood.
"All the better to see you with,'' the Wolf replied.
He sat there watching her and smiled.
He thought, I'm going to eat this child.
Compared with her old Grandmamma
She's going to taste like caviar.
Then Little Red Riding Hood said, "But Grandma,
what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.''
"That's wrong!'' cried Wolf. "Have you forgot
To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?
Ah well, no matter what you say,
I'm going to eat you anyway.''
The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
She aims it at the creature's head
And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.
A few weeks later, in the wood,
I came across Miss Riding Hood.
But what a change! No cloak of red,
No silly hood upon her head.
She said, ""Hello, and do please note
My lovely furry wolfskin coat.''
She said, ""Hello, and do please note
My lovely furry wolfskin coat.''
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
March Days and More Oz Facts
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From Brett R, thanks Brett
(Click on the items to expand)
March dates:
Month:
From Brett R, thanks Brett
(Click on the items to expand)
March dates:
Month:
- Irish
American Month
- Music
in Our Schools Month
- National
Craft Month
- National
Frozen Food Month
- National
Irish American Heritage Month- designated by Congress in 1995.
- National
Nutrition Month
- National
Peanut Month
- National
Women's History Month
- Red
Cross Month
- Social
Workers Month
Did you Know? March was named for the Roman God "Mars"
Week Celebrations:
- 2nd
Week National Bubble Week
- 2nd
Week Crochet Week
March, 2016 Daily Holidays, Special and Wacky Days:
4 Employee
Appreciation Day first Friday in March
4 National
Salesperson Day - first Friday in the month
10 Popcorn
Lover's Day second Thursday
11 Worship
of Tools Day - guys, you can relate
13 Ear
Muff Day
13 Jewel Day
14 National Pi
Day- Why today? Because today is 3.14, the value of Pi.
15 Incredible
Kid Day - date varies
15 National
Agriculture Day - date varies
17 Submarine
Day - the hero sandwich or the boat??
18 National
Agriculture Day (date varies)
19 National
Quilting Day - third Saturday of month
19 Poultry
Day
20 Proposal
Day
25 Good Friday -
date varies
25 Pecan Day
25 Waffle
Day
27 Easter
Date varies
28 Dyngus
Day always the Monday after Easter
Fun Facts and History continued,
sent to me by Graham:
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Anzac digger writes Christmas letter home on a biscuit
Perhaps unable to find an actual card on which to write a Christmas card home, one World War I digger resorted to penning his message on both sides of a hard biscuit. His name couldn't have been more appropriate: Cecil Robert Christmas, a sergeant who wrote this message in 1915 while taking part in the Gallipoli campaign. The biscuit, kept by the Australian War Memorial, is broken and almost illegible. It reads: "Merry Christmas ... Prosperous New Year from Old friends Anzac, Gallipoli 1915". During WWI, these English-made Huntley and Palmers biscuits were an essential part of the Allied army ration. Described as "very hard but highly nutritious", the biscuits were commonly fashioned into messages to home.
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Hordes of children swarm Santa at 1936 party
Radio station 2CH hosted its children's Christmas party at the newly opened Sydney Trocadero concert hall on Tuesday, December 22, 1936. Kids were encouraged to attend in plain or fancy dress, and enticed by the prospect of meeting radio personalities, the Hello Man (A.S. Cochrane) and the Fairy Godmother (Margaret Herd). Of course, it would not be a Christmas party without Santa Claus, and he arrived with a mountain of boxed presents to distribute to all the children, be they naughty or nice. Tickets cost one shilling and sixpence for adults and children over six, and nine pence for children under six
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A camera for Christmas
While digital cameras and mobile phones have revolutionised the way we take and store photographs, there was a time in the not-too-distant past when capturing a moment with stand-alone cameras and film was considered novel. George Eastman popularised photography with the first simple camera, the Kodak, in 1888. Over the next half-century, these cameras became more practical. This Australian advertisement, circa 1938, pitches the latest Kodaks as more than Christmas gifts. They are the "happy promise of a thousand delightful snapshots", and the Kodak film they use, essential.
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The 100 year old cat who arrived on the First Fleet
There were 11 ships in the First Fleet: two Royal Navy Escorts, six convict transports, and three supply ships. One of these was the Golden Grove, "the Noah's Ark of Australia": it carried cows, horses, sheep, goats, pigs, dogs and seven cats. Incredibly (in the literal sense of the word), one of these cats went on to live for more than 100 years, eventually winding up in the NSW town of Gundagai. According to a Tasmanian newspaper's 1876 yarn, "this wonderful cat has subsisted on pork sausages, and will not touch any other diet." Fifty years later, a Gundagai paper denied any local knowledge of such a cat, sniffily dubbing it "a mare's nest" — that is, an astounding-but-fraudulent discovery. The local disdain for felines is hardly surprising. Gundagai is, after all, a dog town.
BTW:
For overseas readers not familiar with the Oz town of Gundagai and the town's tourism feature of a dog sitting on a tucker box (food box), see a previous Bytes story at:
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
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