Funny Friday

Another Funny Friday to start the countdown to the weekend.

Caution: risque content.

To paraphrase a limerick about limericks . . . 

A good joke packs laughs astronomical

Into a form that is quite economical,

But the good ones I've seen

So seldom are clean

And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

A chap goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. 

The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything"? He replies, "Yes caffeine." 

"Have you ever worked for the public service before." "Yes I was in the Army,” he says “I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. 

Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The chap says "Yes, a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am- and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." 

The man is puzzled and asks "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point coming in for that."

A skinny little white guy gets off work and walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

Corn Corner:

The rest of today's funnies are all so weak that I am putting them all into Corn Corner.

I can almost hear the collective readers' groans . . .

An English boat was sinking off the German coast.

The captain contacts the German Coastguard and says: "Mayday, mayday, this is the UK69 and we are sinking. I repeat, we are sinking."

The German coastguard replies: "Vot are you sinking about?"

A man named Jimmy walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.

Jimmy asks the bartender "What are those people standing over there for?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can't pay their tabs. He really enjoys causing others pain, so if you stand in the first line you can get kicked by the owner and he lets you go free. In the second, the owner gets to twist your nipples as hard as he wants, but again, you get to go for free."

Jimmy responds "Wow, what an interesting system. You know what would make it a lot better?"

"What's that?" asks the bartender

"If there was a punchline."

A man from out of town walks into a bar.

He sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" 

The man looks up at the meat. "Nah," he says. "The steaks are too high.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

“Aye, matey.”

Quote for the Day

Thought for the Day

Olympic Spot

Most athletes have some sort of good luck charm they carry or ritual that they follow, some more seriously than others.

One of the stranger ones to emerge from the Rio Olympics is that of Canadian swimmer Santo Condorelli.

The back story goes that when he was 8 years old and small for his age, he was intimidated by the other competitors in swimming events. His father counselled him that he should put everything and everyone out of his mind and focus only on the swim. When young Santo asked how he should do that, his father sagely advised him to say “Fuck it!” Furthermore, according to Santo, Dad advised “Every time you're behind the blocks, give me the finger and I'll give it back to you.''' Santos followed the advice and, just prior to the start of the next race, he flipped the bird to his father, who responded in kind.

Saanto began winning races and, ever since then, he and his father have flipped the bird at each other prior to the start of a race.

Some examples:

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This reminds me of another classic Olympic incident when the whole arm, not just the finger, was offered to the crowd.

Here is a reprint of a past Bytes item (25 February 2010) about that moment . . . 

Władysław Kozakiewicz's Arm of Honour (1953 - )

Watching some of the ice hockey at the Winter Olympics on the TV brought to mind an iconic moment at the Summer Olympics in 1980. That year the Olympics were held in Moscow. The US and various other countries had withdrawn from the games as a protest against Russia’s involvement in Afghanistan, so that tensions were high. The Russians felt that their plans and efforts for a spectacular Olympics had been deliberately sabotaged and that they had been humiliated in the eyes of the world. 

In the pole vault, the battle for gold had come down to the Russian competitor, Konstantin Volkov, and the Pole Władysław Kozakiewicz (pronounced Vlad-is-lav Ko-za-kev-ich). To understand what happens next, know that the Poles are a fierce nationalistic and independent-minded people. At the time Poland was under the domination of the Soviet bloc, in effect Poland was run and controlled by Russia, a fact which the Poles hated with a vengeance.

The battle had come down to Kozakiewicz’s vault. A success would see him take gold, a fail would result in Volkov taking the gold and the Pole the silver.

As he readied himself and psyched for the jump, the Russian crowd in the Moscow stadium booed, jeered, whistled and yelled at Kozakiewicz, who maintained his concentration on the vault. He appeared not to hear them or to be aware of the noise directed towards him.

He made the jump, it was good, at 5.75m, and he secured gold. 

As he rose to his feet after landing, he turned to the hostile Russian crowd and delivered his salute to them:

I was never previously aware, until looking up the story for this item, that such a mannerism had an official title: Bras d’honneur, French for “arm of honour”. As does the middle finger extended, the Doigt d'honneur, “finger of honour”. The finger gesture dates back to Ancient Rome, where it was known as the digitus impudicus (impudent finger). It has also been referred in ancient Greek comedy for insulting another person. The use in other countries is probably due to Roman and Greek influence.

In Poland, Kozakiewicz’s bras d’honneur became known as “Kozakiewicz’s gesture” and photos showed it worldwide, except in the Soviet Union and its satellites.

After the 1980 Olympics ended, the Soviet ambassador to Poland demanded that Kozakiewicz be stripped of his medal over his "insult to the Soviet people". The Polish government replied that, having investigated the alleged insult, it was clear that the gesture had been an involuntary muscle spasm caused by his exertion.

Quote for the Day

Fate whispers to the warrior 

"You cannot withstand the storm" 

and the warrior whispers back

"I am the storm."

- Anonymous

Olympic Spot

"It's not a big deal to us. In many serious essays written by Westerners, Australia is mentioned as a country at the fringes of civilisation. In some cases, they refer to the country's early history as Britain's offshore prison. This suggests that no one should be surprised at uncivilised acts emanating from the country."

Letter to the editor, Global Times, China, in reference to Australian Olympic swimmer (and gold medal winner) Mack Horton referring to the top Chinese swimmer Sun Yang as a “drug cheat”.

The Frequency Illusion

If I were to tell you a joke about one legged weighlifters, the odds are you would suddenly read stories about one legged weightlifters, see them in the street and meet one.

It turns out that this phenomenon - when the thing you've just noticed, experienced or been told about suddenly crops up constantly - has a name. I came across it a few days ago, it is known as the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon, aka the frequency illusion.

Some facts:

• The Baader-Meinhoff Gang, founded by Andreas Baader, Ulrike Meinhoff and 2 others in 1970, was a West German far-left militant group supported by the Stasi. A terrorist organisation, it engaged in bombings, assassinations, kidnappings, bank robberies, and shoot-outs with police over the course of three years.

Ulrike Meinhoff (1934-1976), pictured as a journalist in 1964.

Arrested in 1972 and charged with numerous murders and the formation of a criminal association she was found hanged in her prison cell in 1976 before her trial had concluded.

Andreas Baader (1943-1977), pictured in 1977.

He was found dead in his cell in 1977, having died from a gunshot wound to the neck, the bullet exiting his forehead. Two other shots had been fired that missed. Despite tests revealing it was virtually impossible for the wound to have been self-inflicted, hid death was ruled a suicide.

• The frequency illusion was named after the Baader-Meinhoff Gang by the St. Paul Minnesota Pioneer Press online. In 1994 a commenter referred to it as "the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon" after randomly hearing two references to Baader-Meinhof within 24 hours. 

• There really isn’t some giant force sending you one legged weightlifters after hearing about them, nor is it God playing tricks on you. One legged weightlifters have been there as much before hearing the joke as after, the difference is that it’s been brought to your attention and now you are more receptive to seeing them, much as you will now suddenly read and see references to Baader-Meinhoff. This is also known as selective attention, your subconscious keeps an eye open for further instances and references, then when it occurs, the mind thinks of this as an amazing coincidence or even more. The second process is known as confirmation bias.

• The BMP even has its own Facebook site:

https://www.facebook.com/TheBaaderMeinhofPhenomenon

Let me know if you now hear of one legged wrestlers and Baader-Meinhoff.

Olympic Spot

This will be an additional item whilst the Olympics are on

The Chinese are up in arms that the wrong Chinese flag has been used for various events, medal presentations etc. The Chinese flag has one large star and 4 smaller stars, with the 4 smaller stars angled so that they point to the centre of the large star, like this:

Instead, the flags used have shown the 4 smaller stars all aligned north/south:

The organisers took flak for the error but the South China Morning Post noted: “ ... mainland media has since reported that all the Rio Olympics flags were, in fact, made in China.”

Quote for the Day

First Colour Photographs of Scotland, Part 2

University of Glasgow

The Sands, Dumfries

Stirling Castle

Water Bridge of Allan

Kennedy’s Pass, Girvan

The pier, Dunoon

Kirn

Kilchurn Castle

Iona Abbey

Henderson Street, West Bridge of Allan

Helensburgh

Castle Street, Aberdeen

Balmoral Castle

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/destinations/europe/united-kingdom/scotland/galleries/first-colour-photographs-of-scotland/

Quote for the Day

Readers write . . .

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From Leo M:

Mosquito Brazil . . .

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From Sue P, in respect of my comments on the coming Australian Census, one that now requires names and address, although the government says “Trust us, we won’t abuse it and we will only hold it for 4 years” . . .

Hi Otto

The information is held for a lot longer than 4 years as it is then archived. The Act precludes it being disseminated in an identified form but technically this protection only refers to the collation and the reports that are generated (rather than the raw data that might be available in electronic storage) and the information from any individual census outside official reports is protected from non-disclosure for 99 years.

http://www.austlii.edu.au/au/legis/cth/consol_act/casa1905241/s19a.html

Some of the concerns raised (as you would know and I am in no way teaching you to suck eggs!) have been future government privatisation of data and tracking of ethnic minorities. I am far less worried about that, than data linkage (combining data sets that the government already holds elsewhere including economic ones) and international hacking of the data base now that it will be increasingly electronic and will combine identities with addresses.

I support government, I like it that they have good information to support infrastructure (although they do not always appear to use it!), but being someone who also buys anti-virus software, uses a VPN and regulates what goes out on their social media, I feel uneasy putting so very much of my life into someone else's hands whose database has already been hacked several times. I'll do mine in paper format so at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that if it enters an insecure site it was not my fingers that did the loading

Regards, Sue

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From son Thomas, also in respect of the Census, a message from The Guardian at
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/picture/2016/mar/30/2016-is-census-year-but-you-can-stick-your-census-in-your-ear-you-wont-get-any-data-here

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Census taker visits a Romani family living in a caravan, Netherlands 1925

Census taker, USA, 1940

The word “census” is of Latin origin: during the Roman Republic, the census was a list that kept track of all adult males fit for military service.

Quote for the Day