Friday, September 8, 2017
Funny Friday
What with escalating international tensions and Mother Nature also unleashing, we need more than ever a bit of humour as a brief diversion. So here is a mixed bag of laughs for today's Funny Friday.
Caution: there is some risque content.
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A beautiful princess came upon a frog in a meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever be happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined on lightly sauteed frog legs, she chuckled to herself, "I don't think so."
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And on the same topic . . .
An 86 year-old man is out fishing. He was sitting in his boat when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up!"
He looked around and did not see any one. He thought he was dreaming until he heard the voice again.
"Pick me up." The old man looked in the water and there, floating on a lilly pad was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog replied, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a minute in confusion, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog screamed, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride!"
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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A woman walks into a Rolls Royce dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Rolls and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
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Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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A guy was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a wrench." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a wrench."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man at the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt of court! Now what is the problem?"
The guy at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a fucking wrench, he said he didn't have one!"
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A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"
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"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of a Triple A battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied...
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Gallery:
Corn Corner:
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Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi are in a Chinese restaurant and Luke's having trouble with the chopsticks.
Finally, Obi-Wan says, "Use the forks, Luke.
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A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, it’s Christmas time. Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having a lightsaber battle. Darth Vader says to Luke " I know what you’re getting for Christmas" Luke says "Eh?" Darth Vader says again to Luke " I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”
Luke says " How would you know that?"
Darth Vader says " I felt your presents.”
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What do you call a Deer with one-eye?
I have no idea.
('I-have-no-eye-deer')
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Oz Fun Facts and Pics, continued
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When ice-cream was a health food
Peters Ice Cream began in 1907 with American migrant Fred Peters selling family bricks from a horse and cart in Manly, Sydney. Peters expanded operations rapidly: By 1911, he had gone from manufacturing ice-cream in his backyard to opening the world's largest ice-cream factory in Redfern. The following decade saw Peters move into Victoria and Queensland. The brand's slogan, "The health food of a nation", was coined in 1923. It lasted over 50 years, until regulations about health claims forced a change to "Peters keeps the good things coming". As that slogan suggests, the company — now owned by a European food giant — has endured. Over 73 million Peters Drumsticks (created in 1963) are eaten in Australia each year.
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The walking club adventurers who mapped Tasmania
The Hobart Walking Club, pictured here atop Mount Arthur, is the oldest and largest bushwalking club in Tasmania. Founded by John "Jack" Thwaites and Evelyn Temple Emmett, the club had an initial membership of 70 bushwalking enthusiasts, and official walks were held once a fortnight. The club was an integral part of bushwalking exploration in the region, with members building and maintaining tracks, huts and safety shelters. They were the first to traverse the Western Arthur Range, naming its lakes and mountains, and they pioneered the route to Federation Peak, which the Geelong College Exploration Society first ascended in 1949.
Extra comment:
Many years ago I was an active bushwalker and a member of Sydney Bushwalkers, the earliest NSW club, as I recall. Those interested in going bushwalking, or looking at some early Sydney Buishwalkers pics, can access their website by clicking on: http://www.sbw.org.au/
First SBW swimming carnival, 1928
Canyoning Blue Mountains
Canyoning Blue Mountains (follow the rope up to find the person)
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Wild West-inspired poster warns of Australia's deadliest snakes
The rail lines that fanned out from Melbourne from the mid-1800s made it easier than ever for Victorians to travel to the Australian heartland. But it also exposed them to some deadly locals: snakes. To warn people what to look out for, Museum Victoria and the Education Department printed this eye-catching poster in 1877, to be hung in classrooms and railway stations. The heavily stylised, Wild West-inspired poster is lent credibility by the name Professor Frederick McCoy, an Irish-born, Melbourne-based zoologist who was fascinated by Australia's venomous natives. In 1879 he was the first to scientifically describe the inland taipan (Oxyuranus microlepidotus) — the most toxic snake in the world.
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Superstar police dog is the world's first radio-commanded canine
In her heyday, Zoe the police dog was one of the most famous canines in Australia — and when you read her resume, it's easy to see why. The pure white German shepherd knew 380 stunts, led numerous hunts for lost people and criminals, once piloted a tank through Sydney for charity, and was reportedly the first dog in the world to work under radio command, thanks to this backpack (advanced tech for the 1930s). Police dog trainer Constable Adam "Scotty" Denholm, who worked with Zoe her whole life, heralded her as the "Phar Lap of police dogs". When the legendary canine was found dead in her kennel at an Alexandria police garage in 1946, her death made headlines in newspapers around the nation.
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Parade float celebrates the wonder of radio
Few would marvel at radio now, but there was a time when it was as novel as smartphones. Despite broadcast radio's initial success in the United States, its local debut was less than stellar. Under a Sealed Set scheme in 1923, Australians could only purchase radio receivers that were fixed to one station. The scheme proved a failure – only 1400 listener licences were issued in the first six months, and listeners avoided the fee by building their own sets, or modifying them to receive other frequencies. This led to a two-tiered system: A-class radio stations were government subsidised, while B-class stations earned revenue by charging for advertising. This float, part of a parade down Sydney's Driver Avenue celebrating Australia's 150th anniversary, encouraged listeners to "Buy Radio Advertised Goods" to keep that second tier… afloat.
Extra comment:
Back when I was a nipper, you had to have a radio and TV licence if you owned a radio or TV. The authorities sent cars around the suburbs with some sort of equipment to detect who had the sets, which had to be operating to be able to be detected. Who remembers that?
We had a TV set like this . . .
. . . and a radio like this . . .
. . . until we went upmarket and my folks purchased a “Three in One”, a radio, TV and record player combined . . .
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Anzac military mastermind sits for his portrait
Lieutenant General John Monash is considered one of Australia's finest World War I commanders. Dux of Melbourne's Scotch College, Monash balanced military commitments with his tertiary studies and eventual career as an engineer. He landed at Gallipoli on April 26, 1915, commanding the Australian Imperial Force's 4th Infantry Brigade. He went on to become the Major General of the 3rd Division, and in May 1918, the corps commander of the Australian forces. After the war, Monash oversaw the repatriation of the AIF in London, during which time his portrait was painted by artist James Quinn, in 1919. He returned to Australia an icon, and it is after him that Monash University is named.
Extra comment:
Oz residents will be more familiar with John Monash as one of the faces on the $100 bank note:
Pictured on the reverse side is Oz opera singer Dame Nellie Melba (1861 – 1931), who became one of the most famous singers of the late Victorian era and the early 20th century. She was the first Australian to achieve international recognition as a classical musician and took the pseudonym "Melba" from Melbourne, her home town.
Speaking of money in Oz and remembering, who recalls the moneyboxes given at school when you opened a savings account and you banked money each week . . .
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
Croesus, Badgers Bums, Kate and Willy
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Twice in the last week I have heard each of the expressions “as rich as Croesus” and “rough as a badger’s arse” used. Now it doesn’t take an anvil to fall on my head for me to realise that the universe is telling me to look at those expressions in Bytes. So here we go.
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“As rich as Croesus”
Who was Croesus and how rich was he?
Croesus (595 BC – c. 546 BC) was the king of Sardis (Lydia), a region of modern Turkey. According to Greek historian Herodotus (c. 484–c. 425 BC), Croesus reigned for 14 years: from 560 BC until his defeat by the Persian king Cyrus the Great in 546 BC.
Not only was Croesus extremely wealthy, he is also credited with issuing the first gold and silver coins. Sardis had rich mineral resources during the time of Croesus, including gold and silver, with evidence of a gold refinery near Sardis. According to Herodotus, ‘They [the Lydians] were the first men whom we know who coined and used gold and silver currency; and they were the first to sell by retail.’
The earliest coins were made from electrum, an alloy of gold and silver, found naturally in the rivers of Lydia (a region in Anatolia, modern Turkey). However, the actual value of an electrum coin could vary, due to its composition, and led to problems when trading. Croesus minted gold and silver coins Some of the first gold and silver coins (known as staters), some of which have been found at Delphi, having been used as offerings. The staters had the head of a lion and a bull on one side and a punched indentation on the rear to show that they were gold and silver throughout, not lead plated in gold or silver.
An example of a gold stater, simply beautiful.
Croesus came to be regarded as the richest man on Earth, the expression “as rich as Croesus” first being used in 1577.
Croesus funded construction of the Great Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, one of the sevenb winders of the world.
Model of the Temple of Artemis, at Miniatürk Park, Istanbul, Turkey. It attempts to recreate the probable appearance of the temple.
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“Rough as a badger’s arse”:
I wrote about this expression back in 2013, the following being a reprint:
I have a friend who uses the expression “rough as a badger’s arse” to denote how that friend sometimes feels in the morning. According to the Urban Dictionary, its meaning is “very rough, either literally, as in an unshaven gentleman's chin, or figuratively, as in uncivilised of things or behaviour.” It is often used in the context of a hangover.
It is in the same vein as expressions relating to appearance such as “ugly as a hat full/box full/bucket of arseholes”, “hit with the ugly stick too many times” and “fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down.”
Not having any experience with badgers, much less with their arses, I am unable to say whether the expression is correct, although my readings indicate that:
- badgers are particularly clean animals;
- they dig and use latrines;
- the hair on their backsides can be rough.
It has been suggested that the original phrase was “as rough as a badger’s bum” and that badger was selected because of the alliteration with “bum”, the word “arse” being a later substitution. It has also been mooted that, on that reasoning, the phrase “as rough as an aardvark’s arse” might be more appropriate.
Some badger’s bum items:
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And, in honour of Kate and William’s news that Kate has another bun in the oven, being number 3 after the heir and the spare (or, as Oz Treasurer Peter Costello urged the nation in 2002, one for Mum, one for Dad and one for the country), here are some Kate and William (and related) memes . . .
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
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