Thursday, November 7, 2019
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
Great Replies, continued: 9 – 15
Caution:
The following items include material of a risqué nature, so cross the line only at your own peril . . . or perhaps enjoyment . . .
This is the line ... ↓
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Ok, you crossed it . . .
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9. Winston Churchill and Nancy Astor:
Okay, you all knew these classics had to come so let’s get them out of the way early . . .
Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965) was a British statesman, army officer, and writer, who served as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom from 1940 to 1945 and again from 1951 to 1955. As Prime Minister, Churchill led Britain to victory during the Second World War. Translated from Swedish, his citation upon receiving the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1953 reads, "for his mastery of historical and biographical description as well as for brilliant oratory in defending exalted human values". Those who have seen The King’s Speech will be aware that the great orator in fact suffered from a speech impediment that he had to work to overcome. Although some sources cite his impediment as a stutter, it has also been argued that Churchill’s speech problem was a lisp. He could not pronounce the letter “S” and never really learned to do so—so he turned it into a prop, exaggerating words like his famous “Narzzsseess” for “Nazis.” Churchill was also renowned as prodigious drinker, an image which he himself liked to promote. It is conceded by most historians that he was not an alcoholic.
Nancy Astor:
Nancy Astor (1879 – 1964) was an American citizen who moved to England at age 26. She made a second marriage to Waldorf Astor as a young woman in England. After he succeeded to the peerage and entered the House of Lords, she entered politics, in 1919 winning his former seat in Plymouth and becoming the first woman to sit as a Member of Parliament in the House of Commons, serving until 1945.
The reply:
It has been said that at a 1912 dinner party at Blenheim Palace, the Churchill family estate, Lady Astor become tired of an inebriated Winston Churchill pontificating on a subject. Finally she snapped at him: “Winston, if I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee.”
Churchill responded "Nancy, if I were your husband I would drink it."
At least one author has argued that the exchange didn’t happen and that it is an older joke recycled:
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10. Bessie Braddock and Winston Churchill:
The following exchange between Winston Churchill and Bessie Braddock has, however, been verified as accurate by Churchill's bodyguard Ron Golding, who heard his boss say it.
Bessie Braddock:
Bessie Braddock (1899 – 1970) was a British Labour Party politician who served as Member of Parliament (MP) for the Liverpool Exchange division from 1945 to 1970. Braddock gained a national reputation for her forthright campaigns in connection with housing, public health and other social issues.
The reply:
Bessie Braddock to an inebriated Winston Churchill:
“Winston, you are drunk.”
Churchill, in reply:
"Madam, you are ugly, but I will be sober in the morning."
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11. John Barrymore:
John Barrymore (1882 – 1942) was an American actor on stage, screen and radio., also the grandfather of Drew Barrymore. Known as the Great Profile, he featured in silent films and in early sound films. He struggled with alcohol abuse from the age of 14, was married and divorced four times, and declared bankruptcy later in life. The Great Profile died in 1942 from cirrhosis of the liver and kidney failure, complicated by pneumonia. Errol Flynn's memoirs claim that the film director Raoul Walsh borrowed Barrymore's body before burial to leave his corpse propped in a chair for a drunken Flynn to discover when he returned home. Gene Fowler, a close friend of Barrymore, denies the claim. MRDA
The reply:
After a long day of shooting a film in Hollywood, John Barrymore and some fellow actors stopped in at Lucy's, a popular watering hole near Paramount Studios. After one-too-many drinks, Barrymore excused himself to go to the bathroom. In his slightly inebriated condition, however, he inadvertently chose the ladies' room.
As he was relieving himself, a woman entered and was shocked to see a man urinating into one of the toilets.
"How dare you!" she exclaimed, "This is for ladies!"
The actor turned toward the woman, organ in hand, and resonantly said in full actor's voice: "And so, madam, is this."
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12. Groucho Marx:
Julius Henry Marx (1890 – 1977), known professionally as Groucho Marx, was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era. He made 13 feature films with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game show You Bet Your Life.
Btw: I have been watching full episodes of You Bet Your Life on Youtube. Well worth the watch. Google the episode "crazy eyes".
The reply:
It has been suggested that this is another of one of the great comebacks never actually said.
A woman with 12 children made a guest appearance as a contestant on Groucho Marx’s quiz show You Bet Your Life.
Woman: “I have 14 children, Groucho”.
Groucho: “You have 14 children? Why do you have so many kids?”
Woman: “Because I love my husband”.
Groucho: “I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while.”
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13. Tallulah Bankhead and Chico Marx:
Tallulah Bankhead:
Tallulah Bankhead (1902 – 1968) was an American stage and screen actress. Bankhead was known for her husky voice, outrageous personality, and devastating wit. Originating some of the 20th century theater's preeminent roles in comedy and melodrama, she gained acclaim as an actress on both sides of the Atlantic. Bankhead became an icon of the tempestuous, flamboyant actress, and her unique voice and mannerisms are often subject to imitation and parody. Bankhead hailed from a prominent Alabama political family — her grandfather and uncle were U.S. Senators and her father served as Speaker of the House of Representatives. Her support of liberal causes such as civil rights broke with the tendency of the Southern Democrats to support a more typically aligned agenda and she often opposed her own family publicly.
Chico Marx:
Leonard Marx (1887 – 1961), known professionally as Chico Marx, was an American comedian, musician, bandleader, actor and film star. He was a member of the Marx Brothers (Groucho Marx, Harpo Marx, and Zeppo Marx). His persona in the act was that of a charming, dim-witted albeit crafty con artist, seemingly of rural Italian origin, who wore shabby clothes and sported a curly-haired wig and Tyrolean hat. In virtually every film that includes the main trio of the Marx Brothers, Chico is seen working with Harpo Marx, usually as partners in crime.
The reply:
In an interview with Dick Cavett, which appeared in a 1993 television documentary “The Unknown Marx Brothers", Cavett told of Bankhead meeting Chico Marx at a party. This was before she had become famous, and when she was still prominent for being the daughter of William B Bankhead, Alabama politician, member of the US House of Representatives and Speaker of the House.
Marx had been cautioned to not display any of his typically crude comments and behaviour. The two met over the punch bowl and exchanged greetings:
Chico: “Miss Bankhead.”
Tallulah: “Mr Marx.”
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
Chico: “You know, I really want to fuck you.”
Tallulah: “And so you shall, you old fashioned boy.”
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14. Gough Whitlam:
Edward Gough Whitlam (1916 – 2014) was the 21st Prime Minister of Australia, serving from 1972 to 1975. The Leader of the Labor Party from 1967 to 1977, Whitlam led his party to power for the first time in 23 years at the 1972 election. He won the 1974 election before being controversially dismissed by the Governor-General of Australia, Sir John Kerr, at the climax of the 1975 Australian constitutional crisis. Whitlam remains the only Australian Prime Minister to have his commission terminated in that manner.
The reply:
On being repeatedly pestered by a heckler on the campaign trail wanting to know Whitlam’s stance on abortion:
“Let me make quite clear that I am for abortion and, in your case Sir, we should make it retrospective.”
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15. And some visual ones:
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
The Race That Stops a Nation
The Melbourne Cup, first held in 1861 and won by Archer after being walked to Melbourne (which he also won again in 1862) is Australia's most famous annual horse race. A 3200-metre race for three-year-olds and over, it is the richest "two-mile" handicap in the world and one of the richest turf races. It is held at 3.00pm on the first Tuesday in November each year.
Personally I couldn’t care less about it, in the past I used to wait until the announcer said “And they’re off and racing”, then I would start ringing colleagues just to piss them off - “What sort of dickhead rings now??!!” - but most of Oz goes gaga so I will contribute my two bob’s with a bit of poetry about the Cup.
Although the race is frequently referred to as "the race that stops a nation", that phrase is of recent origin, coming from the title of Sydney-born writer Vivienne McCredie's poem from 1986:
(Unfortunately for overseas readers there are a lot of local references.)
The Race That Stops a Nation
- Vivienne McCredie
But once a year at Flemington
A horse race stops us all
And we hold our breaths and listen
To the commentator’s call
For never has there been a race
That holds such fascination
Than the race they run at Flemington,
The Race that stops the nation
We Aussies are a funny lot,
The things we hold so dear –
Like Rosewall, Hoad, the Opera House,
A glass of Fosters beer
Let’s not forget the Great White Shark,
And Lillee – in full flight,
The Wallabies, the Kangaroos,
The Harbour Bridge at Night,
Of course it’s something special
When we say the name of ‘DON’,
Our Bradman was the best they’ve seen;
His legend carries on
On a Tuesday in November,
The first one to be sure,
As the winner flashes past the post,
You’ll hear the thousands roar.
For never has there been a race
To catch imagination
Than the race that’s run at Flemington
The race that stops the nation!
It’s called “the Cup” – the Melbourne Cup. Beginning naturally
When a horse called Archer walked
Into a place in history.
And since that year of ’61,
We find no explanation
As to why it is this two mile race
is the one that stops the nation
For down the years its history,
How losers come and go –
And horses who with bursting hearts
Can make the legends grow
The memories of champions
Will always linger on –
Immortalised forever by
The race at Flemington!
Some names are so familiar
It’s easy to recall – Like Rising Fast and Kiwi, and
The greatest one of all for Phar Lap is synonymous
With all that’s brave and bold –
And little men can treasure all
The stories that are told.
When Phar Lap graced the turf, and won,
We Aussies felt elation –
We loved him, – so in death, he then
Was mourned by all the nation.
A century has been, and gone,
And still the horses run,
To the cheers and acclamation
Down the straight at Flemington
Now o’er the seas, on moors and downs
Hooves pound in expectation,
Through early morning mists that veil
Their great determination.
The best will come to challenge
The antipodean horse
In the gruelling race of two miles –
On the famous Melbourne course.
The ‘Might and Power’ of thundering hooves
Defines a champion –
Whose courage and tenacity
Is shown to all the nation!
And once a year, that single race
Creates the situation –
Where we share all the nostalgia of
The race that stops the nation
That’s it, readers, enjoy your Melbourne Cup parties and boozy extended lunches; your listening to, or watching, the race and, if your phone should ring at the moment that the nation is stopped, take the time to answer it – it will probably be me.
Monday, November 4, 2019
Bytes and Pieces: Australia
Mainland Australia is the world’s largest island and also the world’s smallest continent.
The Dingo Fence of south-east Australia is the longest fence in the world, at 5,614 km (3,488 mi); it is also one of the longest structures of any kind.
Dingo Fence, Sturt National Park, CameronsCorner
Finished in 1885, the fence was originally built by State governments, initially to stop the spread of the rabbit plague across State borders. This proved to be a wasted effort and the fences fell into disrepair until the early 1900s when they were repaired in order to keep the dingoes out and protect the sheep flocks. The fence has been partly successfully over the years, though dingoes can still be found in parts of the southern states. Although the fence has helped reduce the loss of sheep to predators and save millions of dollars each year, it’s impact on the environment is hotly debated. Basically, the fence has created two ecological universes – one with dingoes and one without, contributing to the demise of some native animals and the endangerment of many more. Exclusion of dingoes has allowed for increased population of rabbits, kangaroos and emus, while native rodents, marsupials and grasses were all diminished.
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There is debate on the actual native classification of the Australian Native Dog, the Dingo. Many believe that the Dingo is not a native to Australia but was introduced some 4000 years ago from South East Asia. Therefore it is an introduced pest like the rabbit, camel, buffalo and feral pig. In fact, land managers in most States and Territories are compelled through legislation to destroy wild dogs, including dingoes, on their land.
According to Dr. Mike Letnic, of the University of Sydney, the dingo, as Australia's top predator, has an important role in maintaining the balance of nature and that reintroduced or existing dingo populations could increase biodiversity across more than 2 million square kilometers of Australia.
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Talking of dingoes, on 17 August 1980 two month old baby girl Azaria Chamberlain went missing whilst on a family camping trip to Uluru (then known as Ayers Rock) in the Northern Territory. Her body was never found. Her parents, Lindy and Michael Chamberlain, reported that she had been taken from their tent by a dingo. Lindy Chamberlain was, however, tried for murder in 1982 and convicted. She was sentenced to life imprisonment. Michael Chamberlain was convicted as an accessory after the fact and given a suspended sentence.
The media focus for the trial was unusually intense and aroused accusations of sensationalism, while the trial itself was criticised for being unprofessional and biased. Lindy Chamberlain in particuar was singled out for hostile treatment for not behaving in the manner expected of a grieving mother. Michael Chamberlan was a paster in the Seeventh Day Adventist Church, their unwillingness to cry in public being a reflection of their reliance on their faith.
The Chamberlains made several unsuccessful appeals, including the final High Court appeal. This was one of the biggest and most misunderstood cases in Australian history.
After all legal options had been exhausted, the chance discovery in 1986 of a piece of Azaria's clothing in an area with numerous dingo lairs led to Lindy Chamberlain's release from prison.
On 15 September 1988, the Northern Territory Court of Criminal Appeals unanimously overturned all convictions against Lindy and Michael Chamberlain. A third inquest was conducted in 1995, which resulted in an "open" finding. At a fourth inquest held on 12 June 2012, Coroner Elizabeth Morris delivered her findings that Azaria Chamberlain had been taken and killed by a dingo. After being released, Lindy Chamberlain was paid $1.3 million for false imprisonment and an amended death certificate was issued.
Since the Chamberlain case, there have been a large number of proven cases of attacks on humans by dingoes, in particular dingo attacks on Fraser Island (off the Queensland coast), the last refuge in Australia for isolated pure-bred wild dingoes. Most were against children, but at least two were on adults. In April 1998, a 13-month-old girl was attacked by a dingo and dragged for about one metre (3 ft) from a picnic blanket at the Waddy Point camping area. The child was dropped when her father intervened. Experts testified in the Azaria Chamberlain case that dingoes did not attack humans and that it would have been impossible for a dingo to travel with a baby in its mouth.
The Chamberlains divorced in 1991. On 20 December 1992, Lindy Chamberlain married American publisher and fellow member of Seventh-day Adventist Church. In 2007, Chamberlain-Creighton spoke out in support of the parents of Madeleine McCann, and said she would be willing to talk to the McCanns.
Michael Chamberlain stood as a Liberal candidate for the seat of Lake Macquarie in the 2003 New South Wales parliamentary election, achieving a 5.2% swing against the sitting member not enough to claim the seat. Chamberlain went on to accept a three-year teaching post at an Aboriginal high school in Brewarrina, New South Wales. He returned to Cooranbong in 2006 and taught at Gosford High School until 2008, when he retired. He died on 9 January 2017, aged 72, due to complications of acute leukemia.
The case has become part of Oz history as well as international pop culture, being part of the humour in Seinfeld, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Simpsons. Here is Gary Larson's contribution:
In April 2014, on a Royal Visit to Oz, William and Kate vsisited Uluru as Charles and Di had once done:
William and Kate left Prince George at home for their visit, prompting the following:
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