Bytes

Friday, September 4, 2020

Funny Friday

-----o😊o-----

Funny Friday

Welcome to Funny Friday in the Age of Covid.

Take a moment off, have a coffee, read the following, raise a smile and tell some friends.

Then my work will have been done.

One final comment: some risque humour ahead.

-----o😊o-----

SOME HUMOUR:

Little Johnnie was going back to school after the covid lockdown. First day of school, teacher wanted to talk about how contagious Covid-19 is so she wanted to do a class participation with her students and they had to come up with an example of the word "contagious".

"Class, can anyone here give me an example of the word contagious?" Little Johnnie puts up his hand but the teacher knows better not to ask him so she sees little Susie put up her hand.

Teacher: "Yes Susie, what is your example?" Susie: "If you are closer than one and a half metres to someone who is contagious with Covid-19, there's a good chance you too can catch it." Teacher: "Excellent example Susie. Anyone else?"

She sees once again Little Johnnie put up his hand and the teacher really doesn't want to pick him but to her amazement, no one else had their hands up so she had no choice but to pick him.

Teacher: "Ok Johnnie, what is your example?" Little Johnnie: "The other day my dad and I were at the front of our house watching 92 year old Mr. Hollstein painting his fence. My dad mumbled to himself 'It’s gonna take that contagious to finish painting that fence.”

------oOo------

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time & decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space.

Dr. Smith was a Psychiatrist & Dr. Jones was a Proctologist.

They put up a sign reading Dr Smith & Dr Jones Hysterias & Posteriors

The town council was livid and insisted they change it-

So, the docs changed it to read... Schizoids & Haemorrhoids

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to... Catatonics and High Colonics - no go

Next, they tried... Manic Depressives & Anal Retentives

Then came... Minds & Behinds -still no good.

Another attempt resulted in... Lost Souls & Butt Holes -unacceptable again!

So, they tried... Analysis & Anal Cysts -not a chance

Nuts & Butts -no way

Freaks & Cheeks -still no good

Loons & Moons -forget it!

Almost at their wits end, the docs finally came up with Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones Specializing in Odds & Ends

Everyone loved it..!

------oOo------

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

------oOo------

I just got off the phone with a researcher in China.

He says it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now as they are expecting the Covid-20 PRO to be released in September

-----o😊o-----

FROM THE VAULT:

There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had stares from people all around.

Finally at age 21 his brother turning 19 begged him to come to a bar with him and some friends. He said "you're out of school now, ppl are more accepting of your eye and you won't get made fun of I promise!" After enough convincing he decided he would go. Still a virgin he was very hopeful of meeting a nice young lady.

When they arrive at this dance bar the man with a wooden eye found a nice low lit spot in the corner. As he scanned the room he saw a girl in the opposite corner with a really big nose! He thought to himself, maybe she feels like me and is just tucking away herself. He really wanted to ask her to dance. After a few minutes he conjured up the courage to ask her to dance. He makes his way across the dance floor with his heart pounding and palms sweating he reaches her and says...

"Heyyy ahhh would.... Would... Would you like to go for a dance with me?"

The lady responds "Would’n I!"

He replies "Fuck you big nose!!"

------oOo------

A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside, middle of nowhere. After living there for few months, his nearest neighbour, a big, hairy guy living few miles away, comes to visit him for the first time.

"There will be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?", asks the neighbour. The guy, already a bit bored of his quiet living, says "Okay, why not."

"There will be some dancing and singing there", informs the neighbour.

"It's okay, I can sing", he answers.

"And know that there will be heavy drinking too."

"That's not a problem either, I haven't had a drink since I moved here."

"There will be fighting too", says the neighbour.

"Uh, okay, I think I can live with that", he says.

"And after all that's been done, there will be some wild sex."

"Now that's good, I haven't got laid in ages!", he says, getting all excited about it.

"So I can count you in?", asks the neighbour.

"You bet you can", he says enthusiastically.

"Okay, so it's a deal. Tonight at my place", says the neighbour and turns to go away.

"Wait, one last thing!", he yells after the neighbour. "How should I dress?"

"It don't matter, just gonna be the two of us."

-----o😊o-----

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

In 1914 Charles Merrill opened Charles E. Merrill & Co in Wall Street in New York City, advising on investment and wealth management. A few months later, Merrill's friend, Edmund Lynch, joined him, and in 1915 the name was officially changed to Merrill, Lynch & Co. Over the years the firm merged with others and the name changed from time to time. In 1941, Merrill Lynch, E. A. Pierce, and Cassatt merged with Fenner & Beane, a New Orleans-based investment bank and commodities company. The combined firm, which became the clear leader in securities brokerage in the U.S., was renamed Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Beane.

Which was all to the good for us limerickphiles in that it gave birth to a wonderful, and a classic. Limerick that today is still worthy posting but which has been torpedoed by the further name change of the business. In 1958 the company changed its name to Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner & Smith. Winthrop Smith had been running the company since 1940 and it became the world’s largest security firm

Here is the original limerick ruined by the name change:

In Wall Street a girl named Irene,

Made an offering somewhat obscene.

She stripped herself bare,

And offered a share,

To Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, and Beane.

Gold.

Not the same Irene as:

There once was a girl named Irene

Who lived on distilled kerosene

But she started absorbin'

A new hydrocarbon

And since then has never benzene.

Not an exact rhyme but still silver.

-----o😊o-----

GALLERY:

-----o😊o-----

CORN CORNER:

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked, and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty.

Secondly she has really awful bad breath and even her cat won't come near her.

Pleased with her lips, however, and spotting a money-making idea, she contacts a big cosmetics company and explains about the lip-enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.

After a month of testing the company buys the entire crop of cauliflowers for a phenomenal amount and requests that Mary grow some more as soon as possible.

The company proceeds to make lipstick out of them but experiences problems in the the final product manufacture. The lipstick does not gel correctly into a solid stick and ends up crumbling upon application. Quality controllers also find that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remains and have to put it down as an unfortunate side effect.

As they are nearing their production deadline and adverts for this new wonder lip enhancer have hit the streets, the cosmetics company has no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution.

Poppins' Pop-up Lip Enhancer:

SUPER CAULI, FRAGILE LIPSTICK - EXPECT-HALITOSIS

------oOo------

People treat me like a god . . .

They ignore me until they need me.

------oOo------

Two factors that cause the spread of COVID-19

1. How dense the population is

2. How dense the population is

------oOo------

A few years ago, my friends and I started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We still haven’t gotten a gig.

------oOo------

Really hate having to wait till September to drive my new car.

Shouldn't have bought an autumnobile.

------oOo------

A blonde named Edna had to appear in court as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor asked her, "Where were you the night of 5th September?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "It's irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said Edna from the witness stand. "I can answer that question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said Edna. "I don't mind giving the answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of 5th September?"

Edna replied brightly, "I don't know."

-----o😊o-----

Thursday, September 3, 2020

Quote for the Day

On March 30, 1981, United States President Ronald Reagan was shot and wounded by John Hinckley Jr. in Washington, D.C. as he was returning to his limousine after a speaking engagement at the Washington Hilton Hotel. Hinckley believed the attack would impress actress Jodie Foster, with whom he had become obsessed.

Taken into surgery where the room was filled with anxious doctors,

Reagan whispered to the lead surgeon Joseph Giordano

"Please tell me you're Republicans."

Giordano, an avowed Democrat, answered,

"Today, Mr. President, we're all Republicans."

Poetry Spot

Working From Home

I remember the days when I’d speculate
That working from home would simply be great.
No need for the car, the tie and the suit,
No need, ever again, for that daily commute.
I could work in my jammies, or wear nothing at all
And never once worry ’bout the boss down the hall.
I’d only dress up when I’d be meeting on Zoom
Then I’d just have to clean a little part of the room.
And how great it would be with no one to watch
As I took a nip, now and then, from my bottle of Scotch.
But now that it’s happened, my dream hasn’t come true
’Cuz working from home is like life at the zoo.
A big cage of monkeys couldn’t be any worse.
The noise and congestion drive me to curse.
With everyone here there’s no peace and quiet.
It’s not at all what I thought when I wanted to try it.
Alas, working from home, I get nothing done.
And what’s even worse — it’s not that much fun.
Now I yearn for the days when I went off to work.
Working from home, it turns out, was the dream of a jerk.

MICHAEL R. WHITNEY
Austin, Texas

Wednesday, September 2, 2020

Quote for the Day

Revenge Tales

#1:

From the vault, August 13, 2014 . . .

ACTIONS can speak louder than words.

A man was in a queue at a Burger King fast food restaurant in the US, when a mother and child lined up behind him.

“I hadn’t had the greatest of days and I had a headache coming on. It was a very long line and I was at the end of it, waiting patiently, when behind me comes this woman yapping on her cellphone with a little monster of a child. This kid was out of control, screaming, punching his mother throwing around a Gameboy whenever something didn’t go right in the game,” the man posted on reddit.

The mother allegedly did not pay the boy any attention as his tantrum got worse, yelling out: “I want a fucking pie”.

“After about 5 minutes of the line with these people behind me, I had gone from a headache to a full on migraine, but nothing was going to stop me from getting those burgers. I calmly turn and ask her nicely if she can please calm or quiet her child down. Immediately she gets up in my face telling me I can’t tell her nothing about raising her child and to mind my own business,” the man continued.

With his head pounding the man decided he could tell the woman something about raising her child and teach them a lesson.

“I then decide to ruin their day. I order every pie they have left in addition to my burgers,” the man continued.

“Turned out to be 23 pies in total, I take my order and walk towards the exit. Moments later I hear the woman yelling, what do you mean you don’t have any pies left, who bought them all?”

The man concludes: “I turn around and see the cashier pointing me out with the woman shooting me a death glare. I stand there and pull out a pie and slowly start eating as I stare back at her. She starts running towards me but can’t get to me because of other line-ups in the food court. I turn and slowly walk away.”

Source:

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/burger-king-customer-buys-all-apple-pies-as-child-screams-and-punches-his-mum-behind-him/story-fnixwvgh-1227020820758

#2:

"I used to work at Best Buy in Geek Squad and usually the people working the closing shifts had to clean up their departments and such. We had just gotten a new manager who was an outside hire from Circuit City. He was trying to be hard and flex his management powers by being a meticulous buttwad about cleaning during closing duties and asking stuff like, 'Did you clean UNDER the registers and Windex and dust,' about every little thing.

A buddy of mine I was working with and I started our closing duties a little early since the store was pretty dead that night in order to be able to leave at a reasonable hour. We pretty much wrapped up 15 minutes after the store closed so we got the manager to do a walkthrough so we could leave. He was looking around and everything seems to be in order until he looked behind some signage on a shelf and runs his finger through picking up some dust. He has this trash eating grin on his face and lets out a little weasley laugh and says, 'Looks like you guys still have some work to do.' My buddy and I looked at each other and we both just knew what had to be done. We cleaned the entire department top to bottom, inside and out. Every drawer was emptied, dusted, wiped down, brochures organized. Every computer in the back was moved and the shelves were dusted and wiped, floors were vacuumed twice, top stock was neatly arranged, every inch of the department was gone over with a fine tooth comb, twice in some spots just to take longer.

10pm turned into midnight, everyone else was long gone except for us three. He was looking weary and tired. Midnight turned into 2 am and we were still going at it when he finally came out of the office red-eyed and exhausted and said, 'Guys, let's go.'

'But we still haven't dusted under the counters and...'

'It's fine, let's go.' My buddy and I took our sweet time gathering our things and clocking out. We also were both off the next day and the manager had to be in early for a conference call so it made it all that much better. Every time he was the closing manager after that night, he never gave us trouble again, simply asking us if we were ready to go when the store closed. Justice prevailed."

Source:

https://www.tickld.com/outrageous/2461936/21-people-share-their-hilarious-petty-revenge-stories/

Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Quote for the Day

Bonus quote:

September and Brett's Monthly

------oOo------

It’s that time of the month again, readers, the beginning of a new month when Brett sends his list of bizarre, unique and special days. Thanks, Brett.

First, some September trivia and items, followed by Brett’s Monthly.

Stay safe in these strange times.

------oOo------

Some September items. . .

Caution, some risque humour included.

------oOo------

I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......

Whoever screwed this up should be stabbed!

------oOo------

Actually, the name of the ninth month of the year – September – comes from the old Roman word “septem”, meaning “seven”, because in the Roman calendar it was the seventh month.

------oOo------

The Romans believed that the month of September was looked after by the god of the fire and forge – Vulcan. Therefore, they expected fires, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions in this month.

Oops, wrong Vulcan. Let’s try another . . .

Yep, that’s better

------oOo------

In many parts of the world, September is the first month of autumn and it is associated with the beginning of school.

------oOo------

What happens when Winter arrives?

Autumn leaves.

------oOo------

In Oz the first day of September is also the first day of Spring.

------oOo------

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the stuff from my last couple jobs.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

The next week, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie

------oOo------

The zodiac signs for September are Virgo (August 23 – September 22) and Libra (September 23 – October 22).

------oOo------

The birthstone for September is the sapphire, which is said to reduce inflammation, treat fever and act as a lucky charm for the person wearing it. The sapphire, present in almost every colour (rich blue, pink, yellow, green etc.), symbolizes intuition, clarity of thought, peacefulness, as well as loyalty and trust.

------oOo------

A sapphire joke . . .

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman Sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in.

Last week, we played for the German Kaiser, and he also liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with gold. Cello got 2000 coins in, drum got 4000 coins in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in.

Yesterday, we played for the Russian Czar, he said we are playing out of tune and ordered us to shove our instruments up our arses. The drum didn't get in, the cello didn't get in, this piece of trash went in all the way to B Flat!"

------oOo------

Brett's Monthly . . .

Click on the daily items to expand.

Month: