FUNNY FRIDAY

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Today is Friday 13th, which happens at least once a year but can happen up to three times.

How did the association with bad luck originate? Some explanations:

• The concept of Friday 13th being cursed has been traced back to Norse mythology, when Loki, the god of mischief, gate-crashed a banquet in Valhalla, bringing the number of gods in attendance to 13. Deceived by Loki, the blind god Hodr was tricked into shooting his brother Balder, the god of light, joy and goodness, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow, killing him instantly.

• From Scandinavia the superstition then spread south throughout Europe, becoming well established along the Mediterranean by the start of the Christian era. The number 13 then became with the story of the Last Supper, which was attended by Jesus Christ and his disciples on Maundy Thursday. The 13th guest to arrive, Judas Iscariot, was the disciple who betrayed Jesus, leading to his crucifixion on Good Friday.

• In Biblical tradition, the concept of unlucky Fridays, stretches back even further than the crucifixion: Friday is said to be the day that Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge; the day Cain murdered his brother, Abel; the day the Temple of Solomon was toppled; and the day Noah’s ark set sail in the Great Flood.

• The combination of Friday and the number 13 is a Victorian invention. In 1907, the publication of Thomas W. Lawson’s popular novel “Friday, the Thirteenth” captured the imagination with its tale of an unscrupulous broker who took advantage of the superstitions around the date to deliberately crash the stock market.

So today let’s bring some humour and light to Friday 13th.

The following Friday 13th jokes are from the vault.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Roger left for work on Friday 13th morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet. Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that Roger could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Happy Friday the 13th, you crazy kids. Remember if your car breaks down on a rainy night, and you can't get a cell phone signal, the best thing you can do is walk to the nearby derelict summer camp and split up to look for a landline and/or a place to have sex and/or smoke weed.

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“Friday 13th” - Ooh! How quaint. You don’t scare us anymore, Friday 13th. Nothing scares us now.

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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

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The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ................... and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!!!

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Gougane Barra is a scenic valley and heritage site in the Shehy Mountains of County Cork, Ireland. It is at the source of the River Lee and includes a lake with an oratory built on a small island. The name comes from Saint Finnbarr (or Barra), who is said to have built a monastery on the island in the lake during the sixth century. During the times of the Penal Laws, Gougane Barra's remoteness meant that it became a popular place for the celebration of the Roman Catholic Mass. In Ireland, the penal laws were a series of legal disabilities imposed in the seventeenth, and early eighteenth, centuries on the kingdom's Roman Catholic majority and, to a lesser degree, on Protestant "Dissenters". Enacted by the Irish Parliament, they secured the Protestant Ascendancy.

Gougane Barra oratory

The first part of the name is pronounced ‘goo-gawn’.

A priest who got up with the dawn,

Saw a lass near a bush in Gougane.

‘Excuse me, dear miss,

It’s sinful to piss

On the sacred and blessed green lawn.’

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

As i get older i think a lot about all the people I've lost over the years.

Maybe trail guide wasn't the best career for me.

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Timing

What's the hardest thing about being a stand up comedian?

__________

According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura changes colour right before they die.

Cyan aura.

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The first song from my new group, The Palindromes, is called...

If I Had A Hi-Fi

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QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

AESOP’S FABLES

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Aesop's Fables, or the Aesopica, is a collection of fables credited to Aesop, a slave and storyteller believed to have lived in ancient Greece between 620 and 564 BCE. Of diverse origins, the stories associated with his name have descended to modern times through a number of sources and continue to be reinterpreted in different verbal registers and in popular as well as artistic media. The fables originally belonged to the oral tradition and were not collected for some three centuries after Aesop's death. By that time a variety of other stories, jokes and proverbs were being ascribed to him.

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Sidenote:

My son is a barrister who also raises bees. This fable should appeal to him.

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The Bees & Wasps, & the Hornet

A store of honey had been found in a hollow tree, and the Wasps declared positively that it belonged to them. The Bees were just as sure that the treasure was theirs. The argument grew very pointed, and it looked as if the affair could not be settled without a battle, when at last, with much good sense, they agreed to let a judge decide the matter. So they brought the case before the Hornet, justice of the peace in that part of the woods.

When the Judge called the case, witnesses declared that they had seen certain winged creatures in the neighborhood of the hollow tree, who hummed loudly, and whose bodies were striped, yellow and black, like Bees.

Counsel for the Wasps immediately insisted that this description fitted his clients exactly.

Such evidence did not help Judge Hornet to any decision, so he adjourned court for six weeks to give him time to think it over. When the case came up again, both sides had a large number of witnesses. An Ant was first to take the stand, and was about to be cross-examined, when a wise old Bee addressed the Court.

"Your honor," he said, "the case has now been pending for six weeks. If it is not decided soon, the honey will not be fit for anything. I move that the Bees and the Wasps be both instructed to build a honey comb. Then we shall soon see to whom the honey really belongs."

The Wasps protested loudly. Wise Judge Hornet quickly understood why they did so: They knew they could not build a honey comb and fill it with honey.

"It is clear," said the Judge, "who made the comb and who could not have made it. The honey belongs to the Bees."

Moral:

Ability proves itself by deeds.

Some further morals:

Ability proves itself by deeds.

Pretenders will be found out.

Our work demonstrates our ability.

Make your judgments about individuals based on their deeds and you won’t be deceived by their claims.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

SOME WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS, AND REFERENDA . . .

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Unless in a coma for months, people in Australia will be aware that this weekend is the date for compulsory voting in the referendum for The Voice in Parliament constitutional change.

For those overseas or who have been in comas:

• Voters will be asked to vote yes or no to recognising Indigenous people in the constitution1 by establishing a Voice to Parliament.

• The Voice to Parliament was proposed by First Nations people based on a lengthy and widespread consultation process about the best way to achieve constitutional recognition of Indigenous people in Australia.

• The Voice would be an independent advisory body. The members of the Voice would be made up of and chosen by First Nations people from communities around Australia.

• Under the constitution, the government already has the power to make laws for Indigenous people. The Voice would be a way for them to be consulted on those laws.

It has been divisive, controversial and created wars of words. No doubt it will be even more so if rejected.

For a referendum to be successful and the alteration to the constitution to be passed, a double majority vote must be achieved, which is:

• a majority of voters in a majority of states (at least four of the six states); and

• a national majority of voters (an overall YES vote of more than a 50 per cent).

Australia has had a total of 44 nation-wide referendums since 1901, some of which have been held at the same time with a number of different questions being asked. Eight of these have been successful.

The 1999 referendum to establish Australia as a republic was not passed.

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Some origins of related words . . .

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Referendum:

A referendum is a direct vote by the electorate on a proposal, law, or political issue. This is in contrast to an issue being voted on by a representative. This may result in the adoption of a new policy or specific law, or the referendum may be only advisory. In some countries, it is synonymous with and also known as plebiscite, votation, popular consultation, ballot question, ballot measure, or proposition.

The word dates from1847, in the context of "a submitting of a question to the voters as a whole", originally chiefly in reference to Switzerland, where the people have the right to decide on certain laws which have been passed by the legislature.

It comes from French or German, fin turn from Latin referendum "that which must be referred," literally "thing brought back."

General (non-Swiss) use dates from 1882.

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Vote:

As a noun, the word vote dates from the mid-15th century, a formal expression of one's wish or choice with regard to a proposal, candidate. This comes from the Latin votum "a vow, wish, promise to a god, solemn pledge, dedication.”

As a verb it is also from about the mid-15c, meaning to "give a vote to."

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Politics and politicians:

From the Greek ‘poly’, meaning many, and ticks, meaning bloodsucking parasites.

Nahh, that isn’t correct.

The English word politics has its roots in the name of Aristotle's classic work, Politiká, which introduced the Greek term politiká ('affairs of the cities'). In the mid-15th century, Aristotle's composition would be rendered in Early Modern English as Polettiques which would become Politics in Modern English.

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Indigenous:

Indigenous is used in scientific contexts to describe organisms and the habitats to which they belong, and in expressly non-scientific contexts, as in "emotions indigenous to the human spirit." Most often, however, it's used to describe the native inhabitants of a place.

Indigenous derives from the Latin noun indigena (meaning "native"), which was formed by combining Old Latin indu (meaning "in" or "within") with the verb gignere (meaning "to beget").

The word ‘indigenous’ was first used officially by the United Nations in 2002 in its political declaration of the World Summit on Sustainable Development. Prior to this time, the term was regarded as ‘still under debate’ for use in UN official documents.

The Australian Government still uses the term ‘Aborigine’ and ‘Aboriginal societies’, as well as ‘Indigenous peoples’.

The question on the referendum ballot paper will be:

“A Proposed Law: to alter the Constitution to recognise the First Peoples of Australia by establishing an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice.

Do you approve this proposed alteration?”

This the text proposed to be inserted into the Constitution:

“Chapter IX Recognition of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Peoples

129 Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice

In recognition of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the First Peoples of Australia:

there shall be a body, to be called the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice;

the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice may make representations to the Parliament and the Executive Government of the Commonwealth on matters relating to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples;

the Parliament shall, subject to this Constitution, have power to make laws with respect to matters relating to the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Voice, including its composition, functions, powers and procedures.”

 

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

It's a horror movie right there on my TV

Horror movie right there on my TV

Horror movie and it's blown a fuse

Horror movie, it's the six-thirty news

Horror movie, it's the six-thirty news

- Lyrics, Skyhooks, Horror Movie

FROM THE VAULT

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I was watching a spooky film on the weekend where one of the scenes reminded me of some Bytes posts that I had posted some years earlier. The posts consisted of 2 sentence horror stories – re-reading some of them sent chills down my spine.

For that reason they are worth re-posting, some today and some in future posts.

One word of caution: avoid reading late at night or just before going to bed. Also, check under the bed.

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From Bytes, July 27, 2019:

2 Sentence Horror Stories

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The art of telling a story in a minimum number of words is known as “flash fiction”. Aesop’s Fables are an example of the genre and shows how far back it goes. There have been noted practitioners of the art, including Walt Whitman, Somerset Maughan, Anton Chekhov, O. Henry, Franz Kafka, H.P. Lovecraft, Ernest Hemingway, Arthur C. Clarke, Ray Bradbury, Kurt Vonnegut, Jr and Philip K. Dick, although it is disputed whether (to win a bet), as alleged, Hemingway also wrote the flash fiction "For Sale, Baby Shoes, Never Worn".

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Reddit recently had readers posting two sentence horror stories, resulting in website Bored Panda posting a selection. Here is some of the Bored Panda flash fiction 2 sentence horror stories, followed by a selection from reddit.

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From Bored Panda

https://www.boredpanda.com/two-sentence-horror-stories/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

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From Reddit

https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceHorror/

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When I was a little kid and awoke from a bad dream, my grandmother would sit on the edge of my bed, rub my back and say, "There, there - ghosts aren't real."

It would have made me feel better if she hadn't died before I was born.

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Every house has that one old creaky floorboard.

It sounds even louder when you're supposed to be home alone.

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I love the sound of hearing my dog walking towards my room when I call for him.

The giddiness ceases when I realize he’s whimpering next to me and I still hear the paws approaching my room.

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The room went dark as I turned out my nightlight.

Suddenly an even darker patch on the wall started moving.

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My dog likes to crawl in bed with me in the middle of the night.

When I reached over to pet him though it wasn't my dog.

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Oh look a spider, let's catch it and put it back outside.

Wait, where did it go?

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Time flew by as I enjoyed the view.

So much so, that when I re-surfaced the boat was gone.

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I was home alone at night getting a smoke in the yard.

When someone said “You got a light?”

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After I asked the crystal ball to tell me how to escape death, I was very confused as it read "No, thanks honey, I'm full.”

However, something clicked in my head when my wife offered me cake after dinner.

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"Daddy, look, it's mommy!" my son giggled, pointing.

I don't know what was worse, seeing my dead wife's reflection in the mirror, or the word RUN etched into the glass.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

POETRY SPOT

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We live in an age where being sentimental and sensitive has become passe, where cynicism seems to be more highly regarded.

This extends to the inspirational and emotional poetry of Edgar A Guest (1881 – 1959), a British-born American poet who became known as the People's Poet.

His poetry inspired wit Dorothy Parker to comment:

“I would rather fail my Wasserman test

Then read the poetry of Edgar A Guest.”

The Wasserman test was an antibody test for syphilis.

I have previously commented that I am not a great fan but, that said, I would rather inspiration than cynicism, positive thoughts instead of negative outlooks and kindness in place of a lack of generosity of spirit.

It is in that vein that today’s post consists of another poem by Edgar a Guest, which has inspired me to verse as well . . .

His poems my not be thought of as best,

Worse than a failed Wasserman test?

For all of their faults,

Their emotion and schmaltz

There’s a place for the poems of Guest.

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Have You Earned Your Tomorrow

- Edgar A. Guest, 1916

Is anybody happier because you passed his way?

Does anyone remember that you spoke to him today?

This day is almost over, and its toiling time is through;

Is there anyone to utter now a kindly word of you?

Did you give a cheerful greeting to the friend who came along?

Or a churlish sort of "Howdy" and then vanish in the throng?

Were you selfish pure and simple as you rushed along the way,

Or is someone mighty grateful for a deed you did today?

Can you say tonight, in parting with the day that's slipping fast,

That you helped a single brother of the many that you passed?

Is a single heart rejoicing over what you did or said;

Does a man whose hopes were fading now with courage look ahead?

Did you waste the day, or lose it, was it well or sorely spent?

Did you leave a trail of kindness or a scar of discontent?

As you close your eyes in slumber do you think that God would say,

You have earned one more tomorrow by the work you did today?

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

THE GREAT VINCE SORRENTI

I recently used the word “great” a couple of time in the one sentence in conversation. It reminded me of hearing stand up Vince Sorrenti discuss the penchant of Aussies to use that word.

Here is the link, from 2001, in the context of what to name a new MCG sporting stand . . .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5o71v2VpnM

Transcript:

What are we going to call this new stand? We’ve already got the Great Southern Stand, they’ve already picked the best name, what’s it going to be – the Bloody Fantastic Other Stand? We’ve got ‘great’, great is our favourite word – great mate, the kids are great, mum’s great, I feel great, have a great night, have a great day, I made some great money, I had a great year, I feel bloody great, the country’s going great.

We’ve got the Great Barrier Reef, Great Keppel Island, The Great Dividing Range, the Great Sandy Desert, the Great Victoria Desert, the Great Artesian Basin, the Great Southern Stand, Great Ravine, Great Hall, Great North Road, Great South East, Great Eastern Highway, Great Western Highway, Great Western Champagne, Great Ocean Road, Great Australian Bight, Great White Shark, Great Aussie Outback, it’s bloody great !

We’ve got the Great White Shark. What a fantastic word – shark, a word developed in Australia, ladies and gentlemen, by the first Aussie to come into contact with a shark. He didn’t know whether to say “SHIT ! ! !” or “FUCK ! ! !” – “SHUUUUUCK ! ! !”

And we’ve got The Great Aussie Outback. How brilliant is the Australian Tourism – The Great Aussie Outback – we’re the only country in the world that promotes . . . nothing. ‘Come out and see us, mate, bugger all. And how clever is their slogan - ‘You’ll never, never know. . . ‘ – ‘cos there’s nothing bloody there. It's the Great Aussie Outback.

But the Yanks are different, their favourite word is ‘grand’, we’re ‘great’, they’re ‘grand’.

They drive a Grand Jeep Cherokee, they've got Grand Central Station, Grand Lakes, Grand Falls, Grand Haven, Grand Prairie, Grand Gorge, Grand Canyon, MGM Grand, Rio Grande, fifty grand,

Grand Theft Auto . . . that's called stealing a car in Punchbowl mate. Although we do have the Grand Prix here in Melbourne, that's nice so I come down every year for the Grand Prix, love the Grand Prix. Me and my cousins always come down, they all work on the pit crews down here and let me tell you, no one can get four wheels off a car faster than those blokes, ladies and gentlemen. Punchbowl, where you haven't got neighbours. you've got witnesses.

We're all very happy in Punchbowl, we've just won the contract for the new Outback Survivor Series. Bugger North Queensland, mate, that’s wussie shit, they’re gonna lock five Americans in a station wagon in Punchbowl with a flat battery and see who gets out of that car first.

Have a good night, folks.

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

 

SOME LIFE HACKS

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

FUNNY FRIDAY

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Another mixed bag of humour today that I believe has something to tickle most funny bones.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

__________

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest.

For I have synonymed.

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

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A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is grey (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

"Well...," said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

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I was asked if I knew any blacksmiths

Apparently "Will" and "Jada Pinkett" were incorrect answers.

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An old British gentleman returns home lane in the evening. His butler meets him at the door:

Butler: So, old fart, been out drinking and banging whores again?

The gentleman: No, John, I have been out buying myself a hearing aid.

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Lord Henry lived alone in his manor with his faithful manservant, James.

His lordship had a regular daily routine which included James assisting his lordship with his bath. Once his lordship was in his bath, it was James’ duty to fetch Lord Henry a brandy.

One day his lordship was feeling drowsy in his bath and began drifting off to sleep, just as James was about to leave to get Lord Henry his daily brandy. As James was turning the handle on the door, his lordship broke wind. James paused, looked at his lordship and left.

Some time later James came back, carrying a silver tray with the glass of brandy, a jar of Bovril, a cheap fob watch and a hot water bottle.

“What’s all this?” asked his lordship.

“The things you asked for, m’lord,” said James.

“You must be daft, my good man,” said his lordship, “I asked for nothing of the sort.”

“I’m sorry, your lordship,” replied James, “I could have sworn that as I was leaving I heard you ask for a four bob fob watch, hot water bottle and bottle of Bovril.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A lissom psychotic named Jane

Once kissed every man on a train.

Said she ‘Please don’t panic,

I’m just nymphomanic –

It wouldn’t be fun, were I sane.’

It brings to mind the quote from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland:

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GALLERY:

Some items sent by Byter John P – thanks John, quite witty.

More to come in future Bytes.

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CORN CORNER:

__________

A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone

it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”

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What’s the difference between me and a calendar?

A calendar has dates

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When the shopkeeper told me the price of the Velcro, I replied: "Well, that's just a rip off."

__________

I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day...

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.