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Last week I posted a joke about 3 people arriving at the Pearly Gates and being given an admission test by St Peter, to wit, spell LOVE, symbolising God’s love. The first 2, both spell correctly and are granted admission. The word, a woman, is told there is an admission test.
She responds: “Don’t start on me with that crap. I have had it with guys giving me a hard time. I’ve had to work twice as hard to get half as far as the men I worked with, put up with their arrogance and bullshit, I come up here and there’s some stupid test I have to pass. What is it?”
St Peter says “Spell Czechoslovakia.”
So today the theme is Pearly Gates.
By the way:
Pearly gates is an informal name for the gateway to Heaven according to some Christian denominations. It is inspired by the description of the New Jerusalem in Revelation 21:21: "The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl."
The image of the gates in popular culture is a set of large gold, white, or wrought-iron gates in the clouds, guarded by Saint Peter (the keeper of the "keys to the kingdom"). Those not fit to enter heaven are denied entrance at the gates, and descend into Hell. In some versions of this imagery, Peter looks up the deceased's name in a book, before opening the gate.
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SOME HUMOUR:
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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.’
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A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.
For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.
Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.
"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"
St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
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A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cosy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of the many trees and peering over the wall, is shocked to see a fire-filled field with people writhing in agony and screaming hopelessly. He is very disturbed by this sight and returns home. The next day, the Devil pays him a visit and asks how he is enjoying eternity. The atheist says he finds Hell to be a lovely place but is concerned about the things he saw on the other side of the wall. “Oh” the Devil says, “those are Christian sinners” “But why” the man asks, “are they suffering so much while I, who didn’t believe in God at all, am here in such comfort?” “I don’t know” the Devil replies shrugging," that’s the way the Christians want it."
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Two men die and show up at the Pearly Gates together
St Peter greets them. "Gentleman, welcome to Heaven. I've got bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that Heaven is currently full. There was some sort of screw-up in the scheduling department, and we don't have rooms for you guys. We won't have available rooms for 2 weeks. The good news is we'll send you back to Earth for those two weeks, doing whatever you want, in whatever form you want. What would you like?'
"Well," says the first man, "I've always loved majestic, breathtaking vistas, and I've always wondered what it would be like to be able to fly. So I want to be an eagle, soaring over the Rocky Mountains."
The second man hesitates. "Did you say we could do anything we want at all? And we'll still get into Heaven?"
"Yes, anything at all, and your admission to Heaven has already been approved and can't be revoked."
"Okay, then. It's been a pretty lonely life, and I've never gotten much... action, if you know what I mean. So I want to be a stud in Las Vegas."
Two weeks go by, and Peter calls over the Archangel Gabriel.
"Remember those two guys that were here a couple of weeks ago? Their rooms are ready now, so I'm going to need you to go down to Earth and bring them back."
"The first one should be easy to find. There aren't too many eagles in the Rocky Mountains. Just find the one that's soaring the highest and it will probably be him."
"The second one may be trickier. There are an awful lot of housing projects under construction in Las Vegas..."
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'
He replied, 'These are Carol’s.'
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Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."
The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found my wife naked in bed. I looked out the door to our balcony, and saw a man's hands holding onto the edge. In a fit of rage, I ran out and stomped on his fingers, and he fell. I looked over the balcony, and he had landed in some bushes and was still moving. So I unplugged our refrigerator and pushed it off the balcony, and it landed on him. Then I shot my wife and killed myself."
St. Peter thinks for a moment and says "Well, there's some bad stuff there, but given the situation, we can let it pass. You may enter."
The second man steps forward. "I was exercising on my trampoline, on my 12th floor balcony, when I jumped a little too high and accidentally fell over the railing - but luckily I caught myself a couple floors below. I'm hanging there, holding on for dear life, when I hear someone come out - I'm thinking he heard my scream and was coming to help me. But this guy, he starts stomping on my hands! I lose my grip and fall to the ground. Luckily, I landed in some thick brush, and I was hurt, but I was still alive! I'm kinda moving around, checking to see what's broken and stuff, when I look up to see this maniac push his refrigerator off the balcony! It lands on me and kills me."
St. Peter is shaking his head, "Son, that is some horrible luck. Of course you may enter and enjoy paradise."
The third man, having heard the stories of both men before him, steps forward with his head hung low and starts, "So.....I'm sitting naked in the refrigerator...."
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St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into Heaven.
The man explains, “In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn’t really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavoury characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son.”
Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, “Father?”
The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks “ Pinocchio ? "
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There once was a young man from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his dry bleached bones lie,
Under a hot Asian sky,
'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
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CORN CORNER:
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What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?
They kaleidoscope
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I was reading a history book the other day.
It turns out the good guys have won every single war. How lucky is that?!?
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Other person: They say good-looking people are not good in English.
Me: Do you sure?
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I can't get to sleep at night because when I try to count sheep I stop breathing
I have sheep apnoea.
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