Friday, January 20, 2017

Funny Friday

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Another Friday, some more fun.

Coming up with fresh humour each Friday is sometimes as difficult as Donald Trump trying to get celebrities to perform at his inauguration.

I decided upon a monkey/gorilla theme for today's Funny Friday, which means that a number of the items below have been recycled from past Bytes but, hey, goodies and classic jokes are worth a retelling.

Enjoy.
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. 

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" 

The guy says "No, what?" 

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!" 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. 

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. 

"No, what?" replies the guy. 

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first. 
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An old lady wakes up one morning to find that there's a gorilla in the tree in her back garden. She looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." She calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. 

The gorilla remover arrives with his truck which contains a ladder, a pitchfork, a shotgun, a set of manacles, a winch and suspended metal cage, and a large snarling dog with big teeth, wearing a muzzle. 

He sets up his equipment in the back yard, removes the muzzle from the dog and says to the old lady "I'm going to climb the tree using this ladder, then I work my way along the branch and give the gorilla a poke with the pitchfork. This will force the gorilla to jump down, whereupon this specially trained dog runs up and grabs him by the testicles, holding him immobile until I get down. I then put the manacles on him, drop the cage over him and take him to the zoo. They give me a donation and it doesn’t cost you anything.” 

“That would be lovely,” she says. 

“All you have to do is hold the shotgun,” he says. 

“What do I do with the shotgun?” she asks. 

“Lady,” he responds, “If I fall off the ladder, shoot the fucking dog!”
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A man takes his young son to the London Zoo to see the monkeys.

Alas, when they get to the monkey enclosure, there is not a monkey to be seen, so he calls over the attendant and asks”

“’Ere, where’s all the moonkeys then?”

“They’re all in the ‘uts,” says the keeper. “It’s the matin’ season, they’re all ‘avin’ sex.”

“Do you think they’d come out if I threw a peanut?” asks the father.

“Would you?” asks the keeper
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A three-year-old boy fell into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar, "Thanks, but we prefer fruit."
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This item is essentially visual, hence difficult to tell in written format . . 

A busload of footballers celebrating their end of season crashed, killing all on board. The only survivor was a chimpanzee.

At the coroner’s inquest, the police sergeant assisting said “Your Honour, we’ve had some difficulty working out exactly what happened, the only survivor was a chimpanzee, the club’s mascot. It seems pretty intelligent. I suggest we call the chimpanzee and ask it a few questions.”

Well, that’s most unusual,” said the Magistrate, “but if you think it will help, “I’ll allow it.”

The chimpanzee is called and takes a seat.

The sergeant says “Can you understand me?”

The chimpanzee nods its head up and down.

“What were the footballers doing?”

The chimpanzee raises an imaginary glass to his lips, head tipped back, and pretends to drink.

“They were drinking alcohol?”

The chimpanzee nods yes again.

“Were the footballers doing anything else?”

The chimpanzee nods yes and pushes the plunger on an imaginary syringe into his arm He also pretends to inhale from an imaginary cigarette held between thumb and forefinger.

“They were taking drugs?”

The chimpanzee nods yes.

“Was there anyone else on the bus?”

The chimpanzee nods yes and uses his hands to outline a curvy figure.

“There were women on the bus?”

Yes.

“What were they doing?”

The chimpanzee makes a circle with thumb and forefinger, then pushes the forefinger of his other hand in and out of the circle.

“The women were having sex with the footballers?”

The chimpanzee nods yes again.

“And what were you doing while all this was going on?”

The chimpanzee strains to look at the back of the bus over his left shoulder as he holds an imaginary steering wheel.
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London Zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her.

The zoo administrators remember that one of their zoo-keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla. 

So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred pounds?

O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions: "First, dere's to be no kissin’. Second, if dere’s any children, dey have to be raised Roman Cat'lic."

The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.

"Well," says O'Reilly, "You've got to give me some time to come up wit' de five hundred quid...."
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Corn Corner:

A student named Jacob asked the teacher "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher said "I don't know, how?" Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" 

Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a monkey in the fridge?" The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." 

Then he asked another question..."All the animals went to the lion’s birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The lion?" Then the student said "No, the monkey because he's still in the fridge." 

Then he asked her just one more question...."If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it, how would you" The teacher says "You would walk over the bridge." Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the lion’s birthday party!"
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And 2 not on a monkey theme:

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 
The cashier asks, “Do you want a bag?”
The guy says, “No. She’s not that ugly.”

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.


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