Friday, February 10, 2017

Funny Friday


As More Week continues, I tried to find some humour on the theme of "More" but the only one I could come up with was:
"Always leave them wanting more,” my dad used to say to me, which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.
So, instead, here is a collection of mixed funnies. A lot of them are groaners, worthy of Corn Corner, but funny nonetheless.

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A woman is driving toward home in northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long etc, she stops the car and the Navajo woman gets in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag" offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
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A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Get lost, ye'll no bring it back!"
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A redhead named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Eddie Maguire. 
Maguire: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" 
Pam: "Yes."
Maguire: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." 
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?" 
Maguire: "Hello Carol, it's Eddie Maguire from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..." 
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." 
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo." 
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure." 
Maguire: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" 
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo." 
Maguire: "Is that your final answer?" 
Pam: "Yes." 
Maguire: "Are you confident?" 
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart." 
Maguire: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Carol: "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
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The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"

"Yes," said the forecaster, "It will be a bad one"

So the Chief told the braves that they didn't have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts and he called the forecaster to confirm.

"It is going to be a really severe winter," replied the forecaster.

The Chief look at the wood store, decided that more was required and the braves were dispatched back into forest. The Chief called the forecaster.

"Are you sure it's going to be a really severe winter?"

"Look," said the forecaster "It’s definitely going to be the worst winter on record - the Indians are gathering wood like crazy!"
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The English Prime Minister is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, 
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race! 
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, 
Painch, tripe, or thairm: 
Weel are ye wordy of a grace 
As lang 's my arm."

The PM, being somewhat confused, grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, 
And some wad eat that want it; 
But we hae meat and we can eat, 
And sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, 
0, what a panic's in thy breastie! 
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, 
Wi bickering brattle! 
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, 
Wi murdering pattle!"

The Prime Minister turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward?

"No," replies the doctor. "It's a Burns Unit."
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After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.
"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.
Ralph looked at Lena and, with a soft trembling voice, said "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."
"37" came the weak reply from Lena.
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Gallery:









Corn Corner:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him . . . 

a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.


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