The theme for Funny Friday today is food . . .
. . . so enjoy!
Caution: risqué items
A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't drink here."
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a Fun-gi!"
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what Mummy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It’s an arsehole!”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any artichokes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of artichokes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning."
The lady looks around some more.
A few minutes later she runs back to him asking where the artichokes are.
The stockboy, confused about her mental state, simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of artichokes, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning."
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the artichokes, I need some artichokes right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answer a couple of questions and I will get you your artichokes from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe. "
She says “Ok, C A T".
"Very good!" the stockboy says. "Now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correctly.
Now the employee finally asks "Now spell Fuck, as in artichokes.”
She replies "There is no Fuck in artichokes?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?
Which cheese is made backwards?
What's long and thin,
Covered in skin, Red in parts
And goes in tarts?