Here we go again, readers . . . COVID-19 is spiking, the hoarding is happening again and restrictions look like coming back, at the same time as people seem to have become complacent and many believe that the problem is over.
Take a time out with the following items, remembering that although laughter may not necessarily be the best medicine, it takes your mind off the grim reality for a few moments.
SOME HUMOUR . . .
A connoisseur is looking for new restaurants to visit and notices one that promises to be able to serve the meat of any animal. He thinks it's a hoax but decides to give it a try anyway.
He enters the restaurant and is seated at a table with fine white tablecloth and expensive-looking silverware. The waiter hands him a menu filled with descriptions of strange and exotic dishes: elephant cutlets, lion chops, yak's tongue, anaconda brains, and the like.
The connoisseur decides to give the chef a real challenge and order off the menu. He tells the waiter, "I'd like a gnu steak, prepared in whatever manner the chef recommends." The waiter agrees and after a while returns with a sizzling slab of meat on a silver platter.
At the conclusion of his meal, the waiter asks the diner, "Was everything to your satisfaction, sir?"
"The steak was excellent," replies the connoisseur. "However, I don't know what meat that was, but it was definitely not gnu."
"That's true," the waiter confesses, "but I think you'll agree it was as good as gnu."
A man from England has been jailed for breaking lockdown while standing in for his father at work.
The Pheasant Pluckers defence team said It was one of the hardest sentences they'd come across.
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice. “I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age,” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks “What’s for dinner honey?
No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is standing right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilised and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realise that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup.” "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Trump is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”
FROM THE VAULT . . .
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at Mrs Cohen’s house, she took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she gives him a bowl of chicken soup.
When he was truly satisfied she gave him a $5 note.
He said “Mrs Cohen, you have made love to me, given me chicken soup and now you give me $5, I don’t understand.”
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you? He said, "...Fuck him .........give him five dollars. But the soup was my idea.”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
A winsome young lady of Wimleigh,
Reproached for not acting more primly,
Said “Heavens above!
I know sex isn’t love,
But it’s such an attractive facsimile!”
GALLERY . . .
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say “please”, which I think is poor for four.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless...
I was like 0mg.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?
Luckily I’m in the other 5%.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson.
The man who invented the time machine has died.
RIP Dave Jones. 1974 - 1746