Friday, March 26, 2021

FUNNY FRIDAY


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Here we are again, readers, the end of the week so time for some chortles and chuckles, grins and giggles.

Enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

Them: “Whose skull is that?”
Me: (Raising it to my lips to take a drink) “A guy named Phillip.”
Them: “What's in it?”
Me: “Vodka and orange juice.”
Them: “What?”
Me: “It's a Phillips Head Screw Driver."

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One morning when Dorothy woke up, she walked outside and realized she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

Just then, a good witch appeared. "Welcome to the land of Oz," she said. "If you want to return home, you must follow the yellow-brick road to the Emerald City and speak directly to the Wizard of Oz himself." And so, Dorothy set off down the yellow-brick road.

Dorothy walked through a farm and met a scarecrow. "Where are you off to?" asked the scarecrow. "I'm off to see the Wizard to see if he can take me back to Kansas," said Dorothy.

"Do you think he can give me a brain?" asked the scarecrow. "I suppose," replied Dorothy. And so, Dorothy and the scarecrow set off down the yellow-brick road.

Dorothy and the scarecrow walked through a forest and met a man made of tin. "Where are you off to?" asked the tin man. "I'm off to see the Wizard to see if he can take me back to Kansas," said Dorothy. "And to see if he can give me a brain," added the scarecrow.

"Do you think he can give me a heart?" asked the tin man. "I suppose," replied Dorothy. And so, Dorothy, the scarecrow, and the tin man set off down the yellow-brick road.

Dorothy, the scarecrow, and the tin man walked through a jungle and met a lion. "Where are you off to?" asked the lion. "I'm off to see the Wizard to see if he can take me back to Kansas," said Dorothy. "And to see if he can give me a brain," added the scarecrow. "And to see if he can give me a heart," added the tin man.

"Do you think he can give me courage?" asked the lion. "I suppose," replied Dorothy. And so, Dorothy, the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion set off down th yellow-brick road.

Finally, Dorothy, the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion arrived at the Emerald City and met the Wizard. "What brings you here?" asked the Wizard. "I came here to see if you can take me back to Kansas," said Dorothy. "And to see if you can give me a brain," added the scarecrow. "And to see if you can give me a heart," added the tin man. "And to see if you can give me courage," added the lion.

The Wizard transported them all back to Kansas. "Hey!" said Dorothy. "Only I wanted to go back to Kansas! What about the other three?"

The Wizard turned to the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion. "This is the United States, where you don't need a brain, a heart, or courage," he said.

And thus began three successful political careers.

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I used to work at a steakhouse, one of my duties was to make sure that the G on the neon Angus sign outside doesn't go out.

They called me the G-Spotter.

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Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to Australia as skilled workers. They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labour. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker.

‘I work in a women’s underwear factory and I cut out the underwear fabric before it’s gets stitched up.’

‘I’m sorry,’ says the embassy guy, ‘but that’s not skilled labor. We can’t give you a visa.’ A dejected Mohammed went back to the waiting room and waited for Abdul.

A few minutes later, Abdul comes out so excited. He got his work visa. He’s going to Australia. Disappointed, Mohammed asked the embassy worker why Abdul got a visa and not him.

‘Well’, said the embassy guy, ‘Abdul is a diesel fitter, which is the kind of skilled labour we need in Australia’.

‘What do you mean’, says Mohammed. ‘Abdul works at the same factory as me. I cut the underwears out, and then when the ladies come in to buy them from the shop, he holds up the underwears and says “These’ll fit her”’.

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FROM THE VAULT:

A classic oldie . . .

There had been an orgy in Vallhalla. The next morning there are prone bodies around the place and quite a bit of disarray.

As the bleary eyed God of Thunder tries to get up from a pile of people, a nearby hungover goddess raises her head and says “Who are you?”

“I’m Thor,” he replied.

“You’re thor?” she says. “I’m tho thor I can hardly pith."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A crooner who lived in Lahore
Got his privates caught in a door.
Now his mezzo-soprano
Is rather piano,
Though he was a strong basso before.

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GALLERY:

Some advertising images . . . 






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CORN CORNER:

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack....

I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

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Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

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Farts are like children.

You don’t mind your own, but you can’t stand other people’s.

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I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

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If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

They missed the rains down in Africa.

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