Last week short jokes, this week, long ones, with a short one as an entrée.
As usual, a risqué content warning.
A guy goes to the doctor and after a checkup the doctor discovers that he has three testicles.
The patient asks whether that is a problem, but the doctor assures him that it's not and that he'd wish he had three testicles.
Kind of proud the patient leaves the doctor's office and sits on a park bench next to a stranger.
He says to him: "Together we have five testicles.", to which the other replies: "Why? Do you have none?"
The Devil sat at the gates of Hell...
An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.
“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”
The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out,” he said.
The old man sighed and said:
“Well, I was minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..
And that’s when everything went crazy!
Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!
And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”
“So what did you do?” the Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.
The old man continued, “You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.
I did the only thing I could!
I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye0ight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!
The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.
But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know they’re dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”
“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.
The old man nodded.
“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.
It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”
“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.”
The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number.
“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”
The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.
The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,
“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”
The old man nodded,
“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your susp
ect, how would you recognise him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "Wht are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.
The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" Boom!
Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps are a French guy, an English guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The Englishman must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Englishman thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Frenchie again!
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
There was an old man
From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku. He
Said with a laugh "I
Cut them in half, the pay is
Much better for two."
(Introducing a new weekly item about lawyers, courts and law . . . )
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honours. Then he went home to join his father's firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!"
His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"
What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass?
Two clown cars crash in the ring at the circus.
Over 50 died.
A man walks into a bar and orders 5 whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.
The barman says "That was quick!"
"You'd drink them quickly too if you had what I had..." replies the man.
"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.
The man answers "No money."
A newly married Alan goes to the meet Father George
He greets the priest and says, 'Father, I need to talk to you.'
The Priest asks, 'Is it a confession, my son?'
Alan replies, 'No, Father! I need to clarify something.'
The Priest takes Alan to his private chamber and says, 'Tell me, Alan. What is it?'
Alan asks, 'Father, why do the kindest of girls begin their quest to change men after marriage?'
The Priest smiles and replied, 'Alan, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, her brain registers 3 stimulii. The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself
I'LL ALTER HIM