Welcome to another Funny Friday readers, let's see if we can raise some spirits and produce some smiles.
Some risque content ahead.
A married couple leaves a formal event. He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.
"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt." "Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.
They drive to an intersection. Across from them is a police car.
"He's going to see you're not wearing your seat belt," she says."Nonsense," he says.
The light turns green and the cop pulls them over. The husband hurriedly fastens on his seat belt.
'Sir, were you wearing that seat belt a moment ago?" asks the cop.
"Of course I was."
"Ma'am," the cop says, "do you recall if he was wearing his seatbelt?"
"Oh, I couldn't say," the wife replies. "It's best not to argue with him when he's been drinking."
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass. Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.' Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me! I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many shrinks, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead fellow had a twin.
A movie theatre in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise
The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/Coca Cola combos and 10 choc tops.
FROM THE VAULT:
It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.
After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”
A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.
With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening.
Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant...for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”.
The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
"Now really, young man, you're a bore,"
Said a Lady Priscilla van Blore.
"I'm covered with sweat
And you haven't come yet
And my God - it is quarter past four!"
Bonus limerick, in the same vein:
A rabbi from far-off Peru
was desperately trying to screw.
His wife said, “Oy vey!
If you keep on this way
the Messiah will come before you.”
I have a lot of jokes of unemployed people
But none of them work...
I’ve started to invest in stocks.
Beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could get drugs for $5 too.