FUNNY FRIDAY

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Hello Byters and readers.

Because I have no theme in mind, today features a random assortment of past humour and newer items.

A caution that there is risqué content included.

Enjoy

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SOME HUMOUR:

__________

An old German is going through customs at the French border. When the agent asked him “occupation?” he replied “not this time”.

__________

And one set years ago:

British Airways pilot in an exchange with the tower at Frankfurt:

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

ATC: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

ATC: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."

ATC (annoyed): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (nonchalantly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark though… and I wasn’t landing."

__________

Col and Frank were Australian drovers who had come to town for a beer. At the bar, Col got into conversation with another man and said “So what do you do for a living?” The man replied “I’m a taxidermist. I stuff animals.”

“Do you stuff sheep?” Col asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you stuff kangaroos?”

“All the time.”

“What about dogs?”

“Yes, often.”

Later, Frank asked Col “What is he then?”

Col replied “He says he’s a taxi bloke but I reckon he’s a drover like us.”

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From Bytes March 12, 2021:

Byter David H emailed me a video of Dustin Hoffman telling a story on the Graham Norton show when they were both a lot younger. The story is one that I had heard previously in a different setting but this version is better, plus it is delivered superbly by Hoffman, an excellent story teller.

Thanks, David.

At the beginning of the video Hoffman explains that he is keeping the celebrity names to do homage to the story. Those celebrities, for the benefit of younger readers, are:

Ringo Starr, one of the Beatles

Omar Sharif, actor and 1960s sex symbol

Brigitte Bardot, actress and 1960s sex symbol

Click on the following link to watch the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr4X0IbfApY

For those who prefer the written version . . .

A flea goes into a travel agency and says “I’ve been working so hard for the last few years, I really need a holiday.”

The travel agent asks “What kind of holiday are you in the market for?”

The flea says “I want to go somewhere bright and sunny, somewhere that I can just relax and enjoy myself, don’t want to worry about anything.”

The travel agent says “Okay” and starts flipping through his catalogue book. After some research, the travel agent announces proudly “Okay, I can give you one week in Nice, in Ringo Starr‘s hair.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent asks “What are you doing back here? Aren’t you supposed to be on holiday?”

The flea says “Oh, that was an awful holiday! He spends all his time indoors, he’s always banging on the drums, he never goes out, it’s noisy and smelly. He’s always shaking his head from side to head, I got a terrible migraine! I just want a nice relaxing holiday, you know, out in the sun. I want to relax!”

So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some flipping through. Suddenly he announces “Okay, I can give you one week in Monte Carlo, in Omar Sharif‘s moustache.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days, the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent asks “You’re back so soon? What was wrong with that holiday?”

The flea says “That holiday was even worse! He spends all his time in the casino gambling. And what’s worse, he smokes so much, all the smoke went up into his moustache, I got burnt from a bit of ash and cinders, it was smelly and ugh! it was no good, no good! I just want to relax! I want sunshine and sand and blue skies!”

So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some research. After a long period, he finally announces “Okay, we’ve had a cancellation, and this is perfect for you. I can give you one week in St Tropez, in Brigitte Bardot‘s muff.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days, the flea returns to the travel agent.

“What!!” the travel agent exclaims, completely flabberghasted. “What are you doing here?! What was wrong with that holiday?!”

“Oh nothing!” replies the flea. “It was lovely, she’s so lovely. She just lays out all day long in the beautiful sand, on the beach, she soaks up a lot of sun, she had this radio next to her playing this delightfully relaxing music… I had a wonderful time there, it was the best holiday I’ve had.”

Puzzled, the travel agent asks “Well if it was so great, what are you doing back here so early?”

The flea replies “You tell me! After 3 days, I found myself back in Omar Sharif’s moustache.”

__________

Here is an alternative version, which was posted in Funny Friday on December 13, 2013:

A flea walking down the street met his friend, who he hadn’t seen in a while, coming in the opposite direction. The first flea says “Erik, what is the matter with you? You look so gaunt, haggard and tired.” Erik says “Leif, I live in a Viking’s beard. I’m always out in the cold and wind aboard ship on the North Sea. There’s ice and freezing temperatures, I’m always wet and if we’re not on the water we’re on land fighting and pillaging. How do you remain looking so sleek and fat?”

Leif replies “I live in a maiden’s crotch where it’s always comfortable and warm. You should find yourself a place like that, you wouldn’t know yourself after a couple of weeks.”

“I will,” said Erik.

A few months later Leif meets Erik again and is shocked that Erik looks even more gaunt and haggard than the last time. “What has happened?” he asks. “I thought you were going to find a nice warm spot in a female crotch.”

“I did,” replies Erik. “I found myself an attractive young woman and made my way there and went to sleep. I really needed that sleep, so warm, so relaxing. Then I woke up and I was back in the Viking’s beard.”

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

There once was a man with a hernia

Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,

When you work on my middle

Be sure you don't fiddle

With things that do not concern ya."

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GALLERY:

Sent to me by Leo M. Thanks Leo.

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RELIGION SPOT

Gabriel asks God about his latest creation:

“What is this?

"It’s a human"

“What are those 2 round things?

"They’re called eyes, so they can see my other creations"

“And this thing?”

“They’re called hands, so they can create things just like I did"

“And this?”

“Toes, for the furniture"

“What furniture?”

“Trust me, it will be hilarious"

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CORN CORNER:

__________

What’s the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

__________

I always get entomology and etymology mixed up

I can't put into words how much that bugs me

__________

My wife asked me how to think the unthinkable.

I said 'with an itheberg'

__________

My computer just froze

My fault, I had too many windows open

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FUNNY FRIDAY

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News report March 30, 2023:

The sun has developed a massive “hole” 20 times larger than Earth, marking the second such occurrence in a week. The coronal hole is unleashing solar winds of 2.9 million km/h towards the Earth, which will hit our planet on Friday. Scientists are carefully monitoring the situation to assess if the winds will impact our planet’s magnetic field and satellites - with the potential for knock-on effects on the internet, mobile phone networks and GPS.

https://www.news.com.au/technology/science/space/the-sun-has-developed-a-coronal-hole-20-times-the-size-of-earth/news-story/feb9da014adcbc5541bf0c67a13d1a20

Not very funny, I agree, so let’s let some sunshine in and have some humour . . .

As usual though, a caution that there is some risque content ahead (although I do rather suspect that some of you look forward to the content more when there is a risque caution).

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SOME HUMOUR:

__________

I don’t get why people are bothered by the sun while driving.

I just close my eyes and it’s not a problem.

__________

A solar eclipse is when the moon is between the Earth and the Sun. A lunar eclipse is when the earth is between the Moon and the Sun. What’s it called when the sun is between the moon and the earth?

The apocalypse…

__________

An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find out the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful lady. 

“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man. “Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model.” 

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.

 “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.  See you later, grandpa.”

Goes to show…. Never mess with the elderly!

-------☹😊☹-------

A lengthy item but it made me laugh again on re-reading it, and again on watching the video . . . 

Byter David H emailed me a video of Dustin Hoffman telling a story on the Graham Norton show when they were both a lot younger. The story is one that I had heard previously in a different setting but this version is better, plus it is delivered superbly by Hoffman, an excellent story teller.

Thanks, David.

At the beginning of the video Hoffman explains that he is keeping the celebrity names to do homage to the story. Those celebrities, for the benefit of younger readers, are:

Ringo Starr, one of the Beatles

Omar Sharif, actor and 1960s sex symbol

Brigitte Bardot, actress and 1960s sex symbol

Click on the following link to watch the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr4X0IbfApY

For those who prefer the written version . . .

A flea goes into a travel agency and says “I’ve been working so hard for the last few years, i really need a holiday.”

The travel agent asks “What kind of holiday are you in the market for?”

The flea says “i want to go somewhere bright and sunny, somewhere that i can just relax and enjoy myself, don’t want to worry about anything.”

The travel agent says “Okay” and starts flipping through his catalogue book. After some research, the travel agent announces proudly “Okay, i can give you one week in Nice, in Ringo Starr‘s hair.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent asks “What are you doing back here? Aren’t you supposed to be on holiday?”

The flea says “Oh, that was an awful holiday! He spends all his time indoors, he’s always banging on the drums, he never goes out, it’s noisy and smelly. He’s always shaking his head from side to head, i got a terrible migraine! I just want a nice relaxing holiday, you know, out in the sun. i want to relax!”

So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some flipping through. Suddenly he announces “Okay, i can give you one week in Monte Carlo, in Omar Sharif‘s moustache.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days, the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent asks “You’re back so soon? What was wrong with that holiday?”

The flea says “That holiday was even worse! He spends all his time in the casino gambling. And what’s worse, he smokes so much, all the smoke went up into his moustache, i got burnt from a bit of ash and cinders, it was smelly and ugh! it was no good, no good! i just want to relax! i want sunshine and sand and blue skies!”

So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some research. After a long period, he finally announces “Okay, we’ve had a cancellation, and this is perfect for you. i can give you one week in St Tropez, in Brigitte Bardot‘s muff.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days, the flea returns to the travel agent.

“What!!” the travel agent exclaims, completely flabbergasted. “What are you doing here?! What was wrong with that holiday?!”

“Oh nothing!” replies the flea. “It was lovely, she’s so lovely. She just lays out all day long in the beautiful sand, on the beach, she soaks up a lot of sun, she had this radio next to her playing this delightfully relaxing music… I had a wonderful time there, it was the best holiday i’ve had.”

Puzzled, the travel agent asks “Well if it was so great, what are you doing back here so early?”

The flea replies “You tell me! After 3 days, I found myself back in Omar Sharif’s moustache.”

----------oOo--------

Okay, I will give you the alternative version, which was posted in Funny Friday on December 13, 2013 at:

http://bytesdaily.blogspot.com/search?q=viking%27s+beard

A flea walking down the street met his friend, who he hadn’t seen in a while, coming in the opposite direction. The first flea says “Erik, what is the matter with you? You look so gaunt, haggard and tired.” Erik says “Leif, I live in a Viking’s beard. I’m always out in the cold and wind aboard ship on the North Sea. There’s ice and freezing temperatures, I’m always wet and if we’re not on the water we’re on land fighting and pillaging. How do you remain looking so sleek and fat?”

Leif replies “I live in a maiden’s crotch where it’s always comfortable and warm. You should find yourself a place like that, you wouldn’t know yourself after a couple of weeks.”

“I will,” said Erik.

A few months later Leif meets Erik again and is shocked that Erik looks even more gaunt and haggard than the last time. “What has happened?” he asks. “I thought you were going to find a nice warm spot in a female crotch.”

“I did,” replies Erik. “I found myself an attractive young woman and made my way there and went to sleep. I really needed that sleep, so warm, so relaxing. Then I woke up and I was back in the Viking’s beard.”

-------☹😊☹-------

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Byter Rob T sent me an email about a limerick that has previously been in Bytes but is definitely worth another airing.

Thanks Rob.

Rob's email:

Dear Otto,

As you enjoy Limericks, did you see this in respect of Boris Johnson lying in Parliament ? . . . 

Significantly, the unpardonable crime of Conservative ex-Secretary of State for War John Profumo (1963) was not that he was indiscreet and a potential security risk, but that he lied to the House of Commons in initially denying any relationship with Christine Keeler. Moreover, he lied stupidly, since he might have saved his dignity and his seat as an M.P. by admitting his misstep. As a limerick that made the rounds of Westminster last week had it:

"What on earth have you done?" said Christine,

"You have wrecked the whole party machine.

"To lie in the nude

"Is not at all rude,

"But to lie in the House is obscene."

With best regards,

Rob T

Bonus limerick:

A conductor, with a voice like a hatchet
Observed to a cellist from Datchet,
"You have 'twixt your thighs,
My dear, a great prize,
And yet you just sit there and scratch it!"

-------☹😊☹-------

RELIGION SPOT:

An atheist wakes up in Hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen. People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a glass of champagne, welcoming him to Hell.

The atheist sputters, "But, but, but, where's the fire and brimstone and suffering and torture for all eternity?" The devil stops for a second, then grins. "Come with me," he said.

He leads the atheist to a giant wall stretching from horizon to horizon hundreds of metres in height with a little peephole at eye-level and gestures for the atheist to have a look.

Stunned, the atheist shudders at the sight of the infernal damnation, the wailing and gnashing of teeth, disgusting scenes of depravity and torment, enough to give Dante nightmares, on the other side.

"What is this?" the atheist stammered.

The devil shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't know but the Christians seem to prefer it this way."

-------☹😊☹-------

CORN CORNER:

__________

I once stayed up all night wondering where The Sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

__________

Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third world countries

__________

My wife apologised, first time ever. . .

She said she was sorry she married me.

-------☹😊☹-------

FUNNY FRIDAY

-----o😊o-----

Good morning, good afternoon or good evening, readers, depending on where you might be located or domiciled.

Some good chucklers today, a couple of long ones so quality rather than quantity.

Enjoy but, as usual, a warning . . . risqué content follows. Extremely risque.

-----o😊o-----

SOME HUMOUR:

Byter David H emailed me a video of Dustin Hoffman telling a story on the Graham Norton show when they were both a lot younger. The story is one that I had heard previously in a different setting but this version is better, plus it is delivered superbly by Hoffman, an excellent story teller.

Thanks, David.

At the beginning of the video Hoffman explains that he is keeping the celebrity names to do homage to the story. Those celebrities, for the benefit of younger readers, are:

Ringo Starr, one of the Beatles

Omar Sharif, actor and 1960s sex symbol

Brigitte Bardot, actress and 1960s sex symbol

Click on the following link to watch the video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr4X0IbfApY

For those who prefer the written version . . .

A flea goes into a travel agency and says “i’ve been working so hard for the last few years, i really need a holiday.”

The travel agent asks “What kind of holiday are you in the market for?”

The flea says “i want to go somewhere bright and sunny, somewhere that i can just relax and enjoy myself, don’t want to worry about anything.”

The travel agent says “Okay” and starts flipping through his catalogue book. After some research, the travel agent announces proudly “Okay, i can give you one week in Nice, in Ringo Starr‘s hair.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent asks “What are you doing back here? Aren’t you supposed to be on holiday?”

The flea says “Oh, that was an awful holiday! He spends all his time indoors, he’s always banging on the drums, he never goes out, it’s noisy and smelly. He’s always shaking his head from side to head, i got a terrible migraine! I just want a nice relaxing holiday, you know, out in the sun. i want to relax!”

So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some flipping through. Suddenly he announces “Okay, i can give you one week in Monte Carlo, in Omar Sharif‘s moustache.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days, the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent asks “You’re back so soon? What was wrong with that holiday?”

The flea says “That holiday was even worse! He spends all his time in the casino gambling. And what’s worse, he smokes so much, all the smoke went up into his moustache, i got burnt from a bit of ash and cinders, it was smelly and ugh! it was no good, no good! i just want to relax! i want sunshine and sand and blue skies!”

So the travel agent picks up another catalogue and does some research. After a long period, he finally announces “Okay, we’ve had a cancellation, and this is perfect for you. i can give you one week in St Tropez, in Brigitte Bardot‘s muff.”

So off the flea goes.

After 4 days, the flea returns to the travel agent.

“What!!” the travel agent exclaims, completely flabberghasted. “What are you doing here?! What was wrong with that holiday?!”

“Oh nothing!” replies the flea. “It was lovely, she’s so lovely. She just lays out all day long in the beautiful sand, on the beach, she soaks up a lot of sun, she had this radio next to her playing this delightfully relaxing music… I had a wonderful time there, it was the best holiday i’ve had.”

Puzzled, the travel agent asks “Well if it was so great, what are you doing back here so early?”

The flea replies “You tell me! After 3 days, i found myself back in Omar Sharif’s moustache.”

----------oOo--------

Okay, I will give you the alternative version, which was posted in Funny Friday on December 13, 2013 at:

http://bytesdaily.blogspot.com/search?q=viking%27s+beard

A flea walking down the street met his friend, who he hadn’t seen in a while, coming in the opposite direction. The first flea says “Erik, what is the matter with you? You look so gaunt, haggard and tired.” Erik says “Leif, I live in a Viking’s beard. I’m always out in the cold and wind aboard ship on the North Sea. There’s ice and freezing temperatures, I’m always wet and if we’re not on the water we’re on land fighting and pillaging. How do you remain looking so sleek and fat?”

Leif replies “I live in a maiden’s crotch where it’s always comfortable and warm. You should find yourself a place like that, you wouldn’t know yourself after a couple of weeks.”

“I will,” said Erik.

A few months later Leif meets Erik again and is shocked that Erik looks even more gaunt and haggard than the last time. “What has happened?” he asks. “I thought you were going to find a nice warm spot in a female crotch.”

“I did,” replies Erik. “I found myself an attractive young woman and made my way there and went to sleep. I really needed that sleep, so warm, so relaxing. Then I woke up and I was back in the Viking’s beard.”

----------oOo--------

Another lengthy one, sent by Vince C. Thanks Vince.

Men Are Just Happier People!

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAME

If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild man.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS.

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed

Women somehow deteriorate during the night

OFFSPRING.

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

-----o😊o-----

FROM THE VAULT:

One of my favourites:

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

-----o😊o-----

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Something different this week.

Last week I posted this cartoon:

There are variations on those opening lines as shown in the cartoon but here are some of the more common ones (some previously posted in Bytes) . . .

________________

Old man from Nantucket:

The earliest published version of that opening line is from 1902:

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who kept all his cash in a bucket.

But his daughter, named Nan,

Ran away with a man

And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

It has given rise to many ribald versions because of the potential rhymes with Nantucket, perhaps the most famous (but crude) one being:

There was a young man from Nantucket

Whose dick was so long he could suck it.

He said with a grin

As he wiped off his chin,

"If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it."

________________

Young maiden from Kent:

There was a young maiden of Kent,

Who admitted she knew what it meant

When men asked her to dine,

And plied her with wine,

She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!

________________

Young fellow named Drew:

There was a young fellow named Drew

Who found an old shoe in his stew.

The waiter said, “Lout,

Don’t wave it about,

Or the others will want a shoe, too.”

An alternate version is:

A lady, while dining in Crewe,

Found an elephant's wang in her stew.

Said the waiter, "Don't shout

Or wave it about

Or the others will be wanting one, too."

________________

Old lady from Cork:

There was an old lady from Cork

Who liked to eat shit with a fork.

Her son said, 'You goon!

'You eat shit with a spoon!

‘It’s pork that you eat with a fork!’

-----o😊o-----

GALLERY:

The not so royal family deciding if Archie will get a title or not:

-----o😊o-----

CORN CORNER:

Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets.

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.

________________

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

________________

Before the surgery, the anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

________________

From John P:

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best:

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength; none in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

-----o😊o-----

Funny Friday

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Some risque items this week, venture on at your own risk. . . 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 

“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 

“Why, that's amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?” 

The Irishman nodded... “I'll tell you though, by Jaesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat tird day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor. 

“No, from the foukin' skippin.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A flea walking down the street met his friend, who he hadn’t seen in a while, coming in the opposite direction. The first flea says “Erik, what is the matter with you? You look so gaunt, haggard and tired.” Erik says “Leif, I live in a Viking’s beard. I’m always out in the cold and wind aboard ship on the North Sea. There’s ice and freezing temperatures, I’m always wet and if we’re not on the water we’re on land fighting and pillaging. How do you remain looking so sleek and fat?”

Leif replies “I live in a maiden’s crotch where it’s always comfortable and warm. You should find yourself a place like that, you wouldn’t know yourself after a couple of weeks.”

“I will,” said Erik.

A few months later Leif meets Erik again and is shocked that Erik looks even more gaunt and haggard than the last time. “What has happened?” he asks. “I thought you were going to find a nice warm spot in a female crotch.”

“I did,” replies Erik. “I found myself an attractive young woman and made my way there and went to sleep. I really needed that sleep, so warm, so relaxing. Then I woke up and I was back in the Viking’s beard.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man went to his Rabbi and told the Rabbi that he thought his wife was trying to poison him.

The Rabbi said, "Don't worry. I'll go to your house tomorrow, spend the day with your wife, and then I'll know if she is trying to poison you.

Sure enough, the Rabbi spent the next day with the man's wife and the day after that the man went back to the Rabbi and asked, "Well?"

The Rabbi responded, "Take the poison."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Limerick Spot:

There was a man from Mich.

Who used to wish and wich.

That spring would come

So he could bum

Around and go fich.

* * * * * * * * *