Quote for the Day

Funny Friday

Yep, it's Friday again, the entree for the main course weekend.

Yesterday's Bytes item concerned ironic deaths, so the theme for today's Funny Friday is . . .

. . . death.

Psychologists have suggested that by making jokes about death we make it less scary and easier to accept.  If so, today's Funny Friday should be considered a public service.

A warning, it does contain swearing.

Enjoy the weekend.

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A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 5 metres behind the first. 

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn’t stand his curiosity. 

He approached the man walking with the dog, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it? 

” The man replied, “Well, that first coffin is for my wife. ” What happened to her? ” 

The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her. ” 

He inquired further, “Well, who is in the second coffin? ” 

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. ” 

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.Then the first one asks in excitement “Can I borrow the dog? ” 

The man replied “Join the queue.”

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I went to the newsagent today and said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?"

She said, "Yes, sir."

So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?"

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It was my mate's funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh right to the end. Silly fucker had the coffin rigged somehow so that when it was being lowered into the ground, a tape of him saying, "Ha! Fooled you... I'm alive!" started playing. It was followed by things like, "Lads... Really. I'm not dead, let me out!"

We were all in stitches. Even the Vicar was pissing himself.

RIP Dave... Fucking legend.

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My father strongly believes that you should live every day like it is your last.

That is why for the past 17 years he has been in the intensive care unit with an oxygen mask and a tube up his arse.

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My mate drowned in a half empty bath tub yesterday...

and he was normally so optimistic.

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I'd just like to thank all those people who have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of flowers by the side of the road. 

It really brightens up my drive to work.

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I said to my wife, "Do you hear that? No one whining, moaning or complaining. The sound of silence. It's beautiful isn't it?"

And placed her urn back on the mantelpiece.

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I slipped a whoopie cushion under my mother in law just before she had sat down and it let out a massive fart, it was hilarious!

Although no one else at the grave side thought it was very funny.

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Gallery:

Corn Corner:

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Why did the Angel of Death smite the firstborn of the Egyptians, but pass over the homes of the Jews? 

They were in the Non-Smoting Section!

Quote for the Day

Time's up

What's worse than dying?  Going in such a manner that you are remembered for how you went and having people shake their heads.  Some examples below, more in future Bytes.

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Gerard Hommel ( - 1993)

Hommel was a French mountaineer who had scaled Mount Everest six times.

He died after falling off a stepladder while changing a kitchen light bulb.

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Cynthia Jean Gillig-Stone (1954-2011)

Cynthia was better known as Echo Valley, an American porn actress and adult model. In 2008, she played the bit character "Tits Hemingway" in the mainstream comedy Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay.

On the night of May 21, 2011, less than a week away from her 57th birthday, Echo was rear-ended by a pickup truck. Because she was not wearing a seatbelt, the collision caused her to be ejected from her car and she died at the scene. According to a friend, she did not wear seatbelts while driving because of her large breasts.

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Michael Anderson Sloan (1969 – 1989)

In 1980 21-year-old South Carolina man, Michael Anderson Sloan, was charged with the murder of Mary Elizabeth Royem, 24. Miss Royem’s body was found in her West Columbia apartment. She had been sexually assaulted and beaten to death with an electric iron. Sloan, who was on work release from prison (for robbing a woman at knifepoint in 1977) was charged with the assault and murder. Found guilty, he was sentenced to die in South Carolina’s electric chair. 

Sloan’s death sentence was commuted to life imprisonment in 1983, after a retrial cleared him of the sexual assault.

In 1989, Sloan was sitting naked on a metal toilet in his cell and was trying to repair earphones to a television set. When he bit into the electrical cord he was electrocuted. (Does this seem like a Final Destination moment to anyone else as well?)

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Hans Steininger ( - 1567)

Steininger was famous for having the world’s longest beard, nearly 1.4m (4.5 feet) long)=.

In 1567 there was a fire in town and, in his haste, Hans forgot to roll up his beard. 

He accidentally stepped on his beard, lost balance, stumbled, broke his neck and died.

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Jimi Heselden (1948 -2010)

James"Jimi" Heselden was a British entrepreneur and former coal miner, Heselden made his fortune manufacturing the Hesco bastion barrier system, those wire baskets with rocks in them that you see used as retaining walls alongside roads to support cliffs.

In 2010, he bought Segway Inc, maker of the Segway self balancing scooters.

That same year he lost control of the Segway he was riding (driving?), went over a cliff and died from his injuries.

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David Grundman (1955-1982)

David Grundman was out in the Arizona desert with his friend shooting cacti with shotguns. After destroying smaller ones, they went after a much larger saguaro cactus. The close range shotgun blast knocked off a 4-foot limb, which fell and crushed Grundman to death. 

Vandalizing a cactus (known as cactus plugging) is actually illegal, but this time the cactus got its revenge.

This will give an idea of the size and height of such cacti.

Quote for the Day

Street Art Quotes

". . . the sign said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls' . . ."

- Simon and Garfunkel, Sounds of Silence

Some words of the prophets:

Quote for the Day

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

- Rose Kennedy (1890-1995)

Rose Elizabeth Fitzgerald Kennedy was an American philanthropist and socialite, the wife of Jopseph Kennedy Snr and the mother of President John F. Kennedy, Senator Robert F. Kennedy and Senator Ted Kennedy. Most of her social activities consisted of involvement in charities and women’s groups. 

After suffering a stroke in 1984, she used a wheelchair for the remaining eleven years of her life. Kennedy died at the Kennedy family compound in Hyannis Port from complications from pneumonia at the age of 104, having outlived her husband by a quarter of a century. She was survived by five children, 26 grandchildren, and 42 great-grandchildren. 

Bonus quotes . . .

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?

Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments.

"Wasn't there a book about Michelangelo called 'The Agony and the Ecstasy'? That's what my life has been."

- Rose Kennedy

The Door

How many of us are wary of change, unwilling to take chances, with the result that we are denied the possible benefits of change? How many are held back by barriers of comfort, fear of risk, unwilling to chance the unknown, even though there may be experiences, benefits, or just something small but still different? That is the theme of the poem The Door by Czech scientist and poet Misoslav Holub. For him the door is a symbol, both of entry into new possibilities of opportunity and change, and of leaving existing known worlds and comfort zones.

The Door

Go and open the door.
    Maybe outside there’s
    a tree, or a wood,
    a garden,
    or a magic city.

Go and open the door.
    Maybe a dog’s rummaging.
    Maybe you’ll see a face,
or an eye,
or the picture
    of a picture.

Go and open the door.
    If there’s a fog
    it will clear.

Go and open the door.
    Even if there’s only
    the darkness ticking,
    even if there’s only
    the hollow wind,
    even if
        nothing
            is there,
go and open the door.

At least
there’ll be
a draught.

  -  Miroslav Holub

Quote for the Day

"I have a conviction that it's only when you are put at full stretch that you can realise your full potential."

- Sir Ernest Edward "Weary" Dunlop (1907 - 1993)

"Weary" Dunlop was an Australian surgeon who was renowned for his leadership while being held prisoner by the Japanese during World War II. The nickname "Weary" was a reference to his last name — "tired" like a Dunlop tyre – and was given to him at university.

Weary will be the subject of a future Bytes

Monday Miscellany

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Good Monday morning Byters.

Ready for another week's work?

Perhaps a reader contribution to get the day started, an item from Leo . . .
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know but you know deserves it. 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. 

I found the number and dialled it. 

A man answered, saying 'Hello.' 

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' 

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me. 

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. 

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. 

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an arsehole!'  and hung up. 

I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it, And put it in my desk drawer. 

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an arsehole!' 

It always cheered me up. 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. 

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' 

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. 

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an arsehole!' And hung up. 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. 

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. 

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. 

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. 

A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too. 

I said 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' 

He said 'Yes, it is.' 

I then asked 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' 

He said 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.' 

I asked 'What's your name?' 

He said 'My name is Don Hansen.' 

I asked 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' 

He said 'I'm home every evening after five.' 

I said 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' 

He said 'Yes?' 

I said 'Don, you're an arsehole!' 

Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. 

Then I came up with an idea .... 

I called arsehole #1. 

He said 'Hello' 

I said 'You're an arsehole!' (But I didn't hang up.) 

He asked 'Are you still there?' 

I said 'Yeah!' 

He screamed 'Stop calling me' 

I said 'Make me.' 

He asked 'Who are you?' 

I said 'My name is Don Hansen.' 

He said 'Yeah? Where do you live?' 

I said 'Arsehole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' 

He said 'I'm coming over right now, Don, and you had better start saying your prayers.' 

I said 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole,' and hung up. 

Then I called Arsehole #2. 

He said 'Hello?' 

I said 'Hello, arsehole,' 

He yelled 'If I ever find out who you are ....' 

I said 'You'll what?' 

He exclaimed 'I'll kick your arse' 

I answered 'Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. 

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. 

I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. 

NOW I feel much better. 

Anger management really does work.

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